~You make me weak~

Jungkook's pov

Mingyu started to become a real pain.
I sighed as I adjusted the black mask on my face. I became quite tired of his insistence. He just couldn't understand that a no is, in fact, a no. I was sick and tired to talk about my condition and my damaged brain. Just for a while, I wanted to forget about everything. Just for a moment to feel like a normal person. Why did he have to remind me all the time that it's not my case?

I had to leave that place. It was like I couldn't breathe in there. It got worse when she came. But for different reasons. Reasons, I, myself couldn't figure it out.

It was dark already. The sun disappeared a while ago and all I did was take a walk as far as possible from that place.
The feeling of the fresh air on my face and the wind blowing through my hair was something I couldn't have for so many years locked up in that place. It was nice. Indeed, this was the reality... I was free. No more chains, no more straitjacket, medication, and experiments.

No more unwanted touches.

I could finally breathe. I can't remember when I was able to do that.

But why did a feel so tired? My did body feel light and strong. Regarding my mind was entirely another story.
I came to a halt, closing my eyes for a few seconds as I took a deep breath. Then I lifted my head, I stared at the dark sky above me as Mingyu's words came into my mind.
"I have to examine you. Since you awakened, I have no idea in what state your mind is right now. And maybe later, when you feel ready, you will allow me to hypnotize you. You must stop running from your past. "

Everything seems so easy for that annoying man. Why didn't I kill him already? No idea.

For your own good, Mingyu, stop sneaking into my business. If you don't want to not be able to wake up because of a hole in your head.

They will never understand how I feel. If they would take a look inside my mind, they would definitely feel disgusted and terrified. They would hate me for sure. What to feel about them hating me, I was clueless. Did I even care how they would see me?

And what was there to say? That I want to kill everyone? That I feel like choking them with my dick?

Every time I see a woman, I can't control myself from wanting to hurt her. To beat the crap out of her as I fuck her violently in every hole my dick can enter.

I could barely control myself from not killing Mingyu. Every time I would see a guy older than me, I would feel pain and anger. I would feel the need to fuck him as I would insert a knife in his neck and cut his throat slowly, then leave him bleeding to death.

I smirked. That'll be fun.

Everyone is the same. There wasn't a single person to say no to me. To actually refuse my touch. Disgusting people.
Well- I smiled- apart from you, of course. Maybe that's why I still want you so much.

I felt how my eyes softened at the thought of you. Ah, you are really something else, aren't you? You knew exactly how to sneak under my skin and reach my heart. Such a snake.

When will you stop being a part of my heart?

I sighed as my eyes landed on a couple that was standing not far from where I was. It seemed that they were quarreling. After a few minutes, one of them turned around and left the other one alone with his pain.

I smirked. Well, why not. Just what I needed. They looked attractive enough for a fuck.

As I approached the lonely figure, my gaze stopped on a blonde hair. I bit my lip as I tried to see their features. The dark didn't help whatsoever. So, I had to walk straight to them. I was confident. No one ever refused me.
That person was shaking and crying.

I felt bad.

Nah. Not really.

I placed a hand on their shoulder and when our eyes locked, my lips curled up at the corners in recognition.

"Well well well. Who do we have here? "

Their eyes widened at the sight of me.

"So", I traced the smooth, delicate cheek with my finger. "What would your reaction be if I would say to you that... I want to fuck you really bad right now?... "

Your pov

I sighed as I ended the call with Jinyoung. It has already been three weeks since I left Incheon and my job. I promised Jinyoung that I will come back as quickly as possible but I couldn't keep my promise with all that has happened.

"It's ok. Take your time. After all, you never took a vacation in the four years you have been working for us. "

He was sweet. He just called me to be sure I was alright and not even once he had mentioned his grandmother or that he needs me. I was sure it was hard for him, with his job and his grandmother who needed to be taken care of. But he was too kind to say something. I felt bad. I didn't know what to do or if it would have been better to go back. After all, regarding Jungkook, everything was going in an even worse direction.

Glancing down at my watch, I sighed once again at the late hour. I changed into a red tank top and a pair of white sweatpants, slid under the sheet, and closed my eyes slowly, praying that the door will open as soon as possible and that he will appear safe and unharmed.
Yes, I was in his bedroom. I couldn't sleep on my own. I missed his scent too much and here I could bury my face in his pillow and breath in his heavenly scent as long as I wanted.

I kinda got used to the idea of knowing him spending hours with someone else. Kinda. But I was sure that in the end, no matter where he would be, he would still come back home, into my arms. It was painful, of course, but I felt a weird relief as well. Deep in my heart, I felt that he would not leave me again. Maybe I was stupid and naive. I don't know. But that was how I felt.

Holding his pillow tightly, those frustrated tears started to make their way out one by one. I tried so hard. I still do. I will never be able to fully understand him. Because of that, I felt powerless and weak. I wanted to hold him and comfort him. To take his pain away and the hate he felt towards himself and people. To release him from all those insecurities and sick ideas, his father implanted in his mind, and heal his heart and mind with my love for him.
No, I will not blame him for the mistakes he makes. I will not hold a grudge against something he says or does in those moments when he feels lost. Because I know that somehow, he cares a little about me, in his own way. Because I felt how much he needed me, only by the way he held me, so tight, so I wouldn't leave. How can I leave him all alone? My heart would die. I would die. My heart adores him too much.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I got woken up by the sound of the bathroom door closing. The bathroom was placed next to his bedroom, so I could hear the slightest noise from there.

I quickly stood up and left the bedroom, without thinking opening the bathroom door just to see him standing there in front of the sink, eyes closed like he was deep in thoughts.
Every time he stood in front of a mirror, he would never look at himself. I wanted to know what he was feeling. I wanted to know everything about him.

He was only dressed in a pair of black ripped jeans and I took a deep breath at the sight of his bare, broad back, my gaze catching a few drops of water rolling down his skin. His hair was messy and wet, his lips reddish as I was analysing his face through the mirror placed above the sink.

Who was it this time?
I could see hickeys on his collarbone as well. My heart ached.

"What do you want? Go to your own bedroom, Y/N."

His voice startled me even if it was soft and low. Then his eyes opened slowly and looking into the mirror, our gazes locked.
He knew that I slept in his bedroom. Probably he entered and saw me before going back into the bathroom.

"How can you leave like this and come back so late? Didn't you think that I would worry? "

"But you were here when I left the house", Jungkook closed his eyes and sighed. "Stop acting like you are my mother because you're not. Sometimes, it can be really annoying. I am not a kid, Y/N."

"I am not acting like a mother", you stated annoyed.

"Then? What are you even to me? What am I to you, so you could worry? "

My eyes widened under his scrutiny. Then he placed his hands on the sink and traced his bottom lip with his tongue, aware of how my eyes traveled from his piercing, dark eyes down to his lips. His eyes watched me playfully.

"Are you sure you don't regret now that I am awake? I am sure you do. "

"Never. No matter what you would do or how much would you disappoint me, anything would be better than seeing you like that, not being aware of your existence", I smiled sadly as I closed the door behind me and approached him, watching his chest rise and fall.

"You feel better now? " I asked as we still stared at one another through the mirror. I couldn't read him. His expression wouldn't betray any of his feelings.

"Leave Y/N. What do you even want? Stop asking stupid questions. I already said to you that I don't feel anything for them. "

"Please stop this. Please... " My voice trailed off. I couldn't do it anymore. Seeing him just after he had sex with another, was too much. I felt how I was breaking.

"Why would I? What is it to you? "

"I thought you care about me. You said that you love me and want me. "

"I do. If what I feel is love, then I do love you. "

"Love isn't only sex. "

"I know. But for me, it's a way of expressing your feelings. The way you push me away all the time became annoying and frustrating. What do you want? To wait for you, just like you did? To fight for you and prove you something? " Jungkook chuckled.

"Please, baby, this isn't me. And I think I gave you more than I am capable of. I can't do more.
Now, leave me alone. I really don't feel like talking about it or looking at you right now. " He closed his eyes and took a big breath.

"Because you feel guilty? "

"Leave." He breathed out, his eyes still closed, his hands grabbed the edge of the sink tightly.

I bit my lip as I stared at his broad back. Then I made a few steps and wrapped my arms around his waist. I leaned in and buried my face into the back of his neck. He smelled like soap and shampoo and I couldn't stop breathing him in. I became aware of my heavy breathing. All I was breathing in was him and his masculine scent. He was like a drug. Aware of how crazy I was becoming around him, I still couldn't get enough of him.

"It hurts every time you leave me and go to another. Do you know that? "

"How would you feel if I would do the same thing? "

"It's different. "

"Yes, I know. Because you don't feel anything while doing it, and I would. What if I would go to Jinyoung and sleep with him? There aren't feelings involved, maybe just feeling horny. How would you feel about it? Wouldn't it still hurt? "

"I would not let you. I would kill him first. You can't understand me. You will never be able to."

"Really? Then how do you think I feel seeing you like this, after you...? "

I grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. My heartbeat increased as his eyes stopped in mine. So close. He was so close. I could actually feel his body heat radiating off him. But we were so far away at the same time. How could I reach his mind?

"Can you at least try? For me? "

Jungkook's eyes saddened before slowly closing them, this way breaking eye contact. He couldn't look in your eyes after he had touched someone else. Why wasn't he able to get rid of those sick and disgusting habits? Those moments when anger and frustration clouded his judgment, he couldn't control his need of hurting them. But after he's done, he feels sick, disgusted, and guilty.

"Do you think that I don't want you as much as you do? I do want you. Even more maybe. After all... I am so in love with you. " You whispered as your arms moved up from his lower back to the back of his neck and tangled your fingers into his hair. You grabbed him tightly and brought his lips close to your mouth.

Your breath hitched the moment his eyes opened and stopped on your lips. His hands came in contact with your waist as he placed a little force there, so he could release himself from you, but you stubbornly didn't let him go. "What is it? Are you gonna run away? Isn't this what you wanted? "

Flashback

Mingyu: How do you feel about your real parents?

Jungkook: Should I feel something for someone who abandoned me and left me unprotected?

Mingyu: You were four. Do you remember them?

Jungkook's eyes saddened.
"Yes... The only thing I remember is that... they didn't want me."

"No one does. Not for real. "

End of flashback

"Do you know how scared I was to approach you? When we ran together, you weren't like this. I couldn't be like this with you. I couldn't touch you. I couldn't say words of love to you. All because you were terrified of being touched and having a relationship with someone. And I was so afraid that you would come to hate me and see me just like you see them. Those who destroyed your life. So, I had to keep my distance even if it was so hard and painful to do so.
They were still there inside your mind, my bad boy and that annoying playboy who I couldn't get rid of at all, it seemed. He continues to give me headaches", you smiled warmly.

"They were there, but now you and they became one. And it's so hard to understand you. I have no idea how to be with you. How to talk to you. Or if I am allowed to touch you every time I want to. Because I have no idea what we are and what I am to you.
So yes, I refused your closeness. I pushed you away. I, as well, can feel fear. I, as well, can feel insecure and scared of the unknown. You can have me and then leave and act as if nothing happened. Then what will I do? I will completely be destroyed."

"I, as well, can feel hurt and weak. "

"You make me weak."

"And I am waiting for you to choose me. But only because you are feeling it.

Jungkook's eyes widened. His heart fluttered at the way you looked at him and held him. His hands trembled against your waist.

Your eyes softened as you leaned in and kissed his cheek, your eyes never leaving his. Then before searching for his mouth, you whispered the words you always wanted to say.
"I want you to be mine only. "