chapter eighteen

─── poor ideas 

Warning: there is some talk of struggling to eat, not having eaten anything, insomnia and talk of abuse

          "𝔖omething is off with you." I paused, looking away from the training Darkbringers and back at Firoh. Despite not training as much with them, I still turned up on occasions to make sure that the women and men were working together and that we were continuing to keep our levels of training up.

"It is...?"

"When did you last sleep?" Firoh stepped closer, holding his hands out just in case, like he thought I would fall over. "Mother above, Maiya, you look like shit."

"Thanks."

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Today's the anniversary." Firoh nodded, not stepping closer as I rolled my shoulders out "It's just worse this week, that's all."

"I see." Firoh murmured, understanding what this week would be like. "When did you last eat? Can I do anything to help, or do you want to stay with someone else? I don't want to leave you alone, not at this time."

"I appreciate it." I forced a smile, before standing up straight once more and rubbing my temples. "Az was here the past few nights, but he can't come now. They have the new meeting with the queens over the coming days."

"Fuck, Isaak and I aren't here tonight either. We've got that business meeting with the Pharon family." Firoh shook his head, before kissing his teeth. "I'll talk to Aralya, see if she's around. Does she know what this week is?"

"No, I never said anything." I shook my head. "She wasn't my advisor when it was truly bad, so I never said. Even when Az wasn't here, I had you and Isaak. Look, it's fine. I'm alright."

"Maiya, this is still bad." Firoh pointed out.

"I don't know why it's bothering me so much." I protested, shaking my head.

"Probably because Rhysand turned up." Firoh sighed, before giving me a gentle nudge. "Let's get going then, because you need to eat and sleep."

"Why do I feel like Azriel put you up to babysitting me?"

"He never said to babysit you," Firoh shrugged, before grinning. "He just said that if you looked not so good, I could lend a helping hand so consider my helping hand lended."

I shot him an unamused expression, before turning away so that I could shake my head. 

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"Firoh said to keep you away from sharp knives." Aralya called through my house, as she appeared beside me. "Something about you sharpening them for hours on end."

"I only sharpen them as much as he looks in the mirror." I called back, opening the tin to eat a grybai that Azriel had left me.

"Firoh does look in the mirror a lot. I think he wants to make sure that his beard line is even and that it connects." Aralya and I both laughed, before she began to pull things from my cabinets. "What do you want to eat? He said that I've got to make sure you eat and go to bed."

"He is an overbearing brother," I muttered, before shrugging. "I do not mind too much."

"I'll do something quick then." Aralya began to pull food from my fridge, chopping up vegetable and meat as I watched her. My stomach began to fall, thinking of my mate and how he did the same thing.

There was a tug on the bond, before a wave of warmth and love washed over me, causing me to relax slightly. Aralya was watching this, I knew she was. She was far too observant not to pick up on my uncomfortable state.

"Do you wish to talk about it?"

"It is stupid, so not particularly."

"If it is making you so upset, then it is not stupid." Aralya protested. 

"Take it from me, it is pretty stupid on my behalf at least. It was over 500 years ago, so I should be over it by now." I shot her a small grin, before reaching for my hunting knife. Azriel had its pair strapped to his leg, so I was left with the older of the two, twirling it around on the countertop.

"I used to hate cooking when I was younger." Aralya spoke as she opened the drawer to locate the spices. After having spent so much time in my house, she knew where most things were in my kitchen. "It reminded me of my husband. But, after I killed him, I took back cooking. I made it my own thing that was just for me to share with the people that I care about. But still, sometimes, if I burn a dish, I think he might appear. I still haven't lost that response and that was 450 years ago."

"I was going to be in an arranged marriage." I told her. Out of all of my advisors, Aralya was the only one that I would feel most comfortable speaking about this with. She was in an arranged marriage, sold off to a man thrice her age like prized cattle though she had been forced to marry, had a child with this man before eventually killing him once he began to shift the target of his abuse from her to their daughter. "Multiple arranged marriages, but I got out of them."

"How did you do that?"

"I killed everyone I was betrothed to starting from the age of fifteen. I was the daughter of the High Lord. What could they do about it?" I shot her a cold grin, but Aralya's eyes held no judgement. She just nodded and motioned for me to continue. "The one person who I thought would stop it, never did. I wasn't the favourite child."

"I'm sorry for that."

"It was a long time ago." I waved it off, handing her some plates as I filled a glass with water and took a sip. "A long, long time ago. Hence, I should be over it."

The scars on my back ached, reminding me of the deepest betrayal of my life, but I brushed it off.

"So, what did you make?"

"Beef stew." Aralya dished it out, not asking any more questions which I was thankful for. She did not put a lot on my plate, only filling it up part way and then placing it in front of me as if I was a child, but I didn't truly mind. She chewed on her own food as I tried to force some down. 

It took a few tries, but I managed all the same, eating as much as I could. She didn't watch over me, like Isaak used to do in a worried sort of way, and she talked of things that held no relevance to the weeks significance.

As the night drew on, she began to regale me about funny stories of her daughter when she was young. It made me laugh, drawing my mind off of things before I found myself starting to yawn.

"Bed time?"

"Yeah." I nodded, before sending her a wave and heading up the stairs. One of Azriel's shirts, that he had left here, was over his side of the bed and I pulled it on, relishing in my mate's scent. My shadow curled around my pinky finger, reminding me that he was there and alive, before I burrowed into his pillow and pulled the covers around me, trying to mimic him being there as sleep eluded me.

∘☽༓☾∘

I could not sleep for hours, until finally my eyes grew so heavy that they closed. It took mere moments before I felt mud in my mouth, choking the breath from my lungs as red crossed my eyes. 

I sat upright, reaching for the dagger beneath my pillow and turning around. Someone was here. Tamlin was back to finish the job.

"Maiya-" That was his voice, I knew it was him. "Maiya, what are you-"

I turned, leaping forward and slamming the assailant into the ground, pressing my dagger to their neck.

"Maiya, it's me!" The voice called, but when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded my trees in the Night Court. Tamlin was beneath me, eyes wide with fear, but there was no weapon in his hand. I tugged down the bond, but there was no response.

Azriel wasn't here. He wasn't coming. What happens if Tamlin had killed him too?

"What did you do?" I growled, pressing the dagger further.

"Maiya!" I turned, as an object slammed into me, sending me flying across the room and into the wall. I groaned, hissing as I reached up to touch the back of my head before opening my eyes to see Keir standing over Aralya's form. The woman was gasping for air, eyes wide in fear.

"No." I shook my head, looking at the dagger in my hand and flinging it away from me. I'd done it again. Fuck, it hadn't been this bad in a while.

Maiya? I trembled, hearing Azriel's voice down the bond. Maiya, are you alright? What's going on, Darling?

I-

Maiya? His voice was more concerned now.

It's fine. I just woke up. I cut the bond off, before turning back to Keir, who was helping Aralya up, checking her over carefully. "I'm sorry."

"Maiya, it's-" Aralya stopped as Keir held his hand up. The elder man set his sword down, quickly reaching down to take the dagger away from me. "I'm alright, Maiya. I promise you."

"I knew Firoh shouldn't have called you. I knew this was going to happen." I hissed, shaking my head as Keir crouched down in front of me.

"Maiya." I didn't look up at his voice. "I need you to let go of the glass."

"What glass?" I looked at my hand, before opening my fist at the sight of a crushed glass in my hand. It was the same hand that I had hurt years earlier, cutting my scar open once more. "Shit."

"Arayla," Keir turned to the woman, who nodded. "Do you know healing runes?"

"Yes, I know a few."

"Walk me through them."

"I can do them." Keir shot her a glare. "I can. She will not hurt me."

"No." I shook my head. "I can't run that risk. I've just pressed a knife to your throat. Keir can detain me until Firoh arrives if I lose my mind again."

"Maiya-"

"Keir can do it!" I snapped, looking at Aralya. "Tell him the healing runes."

She fell silent at that, before turning to Keir and taking him through the healing process for my hand. I remained silent as he pulled the glass free, took the blood away and then began to knit the skin back together. 

Keir remained silent as he finished sewing the wounds back together, before turning to Aralya.

"Are you hurt? Did she managed to stab you?"

"No. Not at all."

"I wouldn't have." I found my voice, staring at the obsidian tiles of the floor. "I was envisioning Tamlin. I didn't stab him. I carved liar into his cheek and took two fingers but you got to me before I could."

"What? Tamlin. High Lord of Spring Court, what did he do?" Aralya looked between me and Keir, her eyebrows furrowing. "What are you keeping from me? There is some secret-"

"Aralya, do you think that you can wait downstairs?" Keir cut her off, sending her a semi-apologetic look. "Or get Firoh and Isaak from the Pharon estate."

"But-"

"Aralya, please." She took a final look between me and Keir, before nodding and walking off. Keir sighed, before sitting down beside me on the floor, looking out across Hewn. It was late at night, only the green glow of lanterns lighting up the cobbled streets and most of the houses were just dark blobs. "I did not think that you would appreciate me talking about your trauma to her."

"No, I wouldn't have."

"But you should talk to her. She's worried for you." Keir stated, folding his legs as I did. "Do you need anything?"

"There's grybai in the jar in the kitchen. Az made them last time he was here, it'll help me calm down." 

Keir nodded, standing up and walking away to go and get them before pausing in the door. He looked back at me, before turning to shout down the stairs. "Aralya, do you think we could have the jar of grybai?"

"You butchered that pronunciation." I joked, causing Keir to roll his eyes.

"I'm not your maid, old man." Aralya's voice thundered up the stairs, the nickname thrown in there despite her being only a hundred or so years younger than Keir.

"I never said you were." Keir sighed.

"Then ask nicely."

"Fine, Aralya, please may we have the jar of grybai from the kitchen?" There was a grumble, before someone stomped up the stairs and shoved the jar into Keir's arms, before turning away. "Thank you."

He set the jar down beside me, allowing me to open it up and take the mushroom shaped biscuit from inside. I began to chew on it, allowing the mixture of spices to explode in my mouth as I thought of Azriel. I missed him.

"Your mother was killed today."

"Yes."

Keir nodded, taking a biscuit and nibbling on it.

"Do you normally attempt to kill people because of it?"

"No. Not for a while at least." I shook my head, reaching for a dagger to fiddle with, but there wasn't one present. Keir had taken them away. "Normally, it is not this bad. Rhysand has just aggravated it, that's all."

"Yes, I suppose he would do that. It was rather an overdramatic meeting." Keir pulled his legs beneath him, resting his hands on his knees as he watched the city.

"You know, Rhysand was right. I could have left, got help, saved her." I don't know what prompted me to speak, but I did because I knew, out of all of my advisors, Keir was the least likely person to become horrified. The others had, mainly, had decent relationships with their parents or were parental figures themselves but Keir was neither. 

"Is that so?" 

"Yeah, I could have winnowed the both of us away and she would have lived but I didn't. Some part of me did not want her to survive." I stared at the streets below me, sighing. It was the truth, a horrible truth, but the truth all the same. "Some part of me felt like it was payback."

"For what?"

"She allowed my father to cut my wings from my back." I reached up, absentmindedly, to scratch the scars on my back. "Tried to force me into an arranged marriage with Mendax and let my father tell me that Mendax was given full permission to rape me. It was fair."

"Then it sounds like the punishment fit the crime." Keir muttered. "You always told me that was the way of it."

"Aye," I nodded because Keir knew my punishment better than most. When I first became lady of Hewn, I tracked him down, tortured him, put three nails through his stomach and dropped him at the border line just as he had done to Morrigan. He was forced to crawl back to Hewn to then serve jail time. "But, I think it makes it worse when you wish those things upon your own mother and father."

"From the sounds of it, they deserved it." Keir leant back against a wall. "I think it's time to let go of the guilt that you feel for wishing it upon them. They seemed to have had it coming."

"If only it was that easy."

"Talk to Aralya." Keir suggested. "You know better than anyone how helpful she is to women who suffered in arranged marriages, or were almost in arranged marriages. I do not think she will judge you as you think she will."

There was a clawing at my mate bond, and I opened it up once more as Azriel's panicked voice sounded.

-iya, Maiya please. Are you okay? Come on, answer me

Az, I'm fine. I'm talking with Keir. A wave of relief washed down the bond, and I could practically imagine him pacing around in the Archeron sisters home. 

I'm coming back.

No, stay there. I'm okay. I have people around me.

You promised that you wouldn't tell me to stay away if you were hurting, you swore to me. His voice was angrier now and I sighed. Do not make me stay away from you.

You have business there that could help with the war. I swear, I will be alright.

Maiya. Please.

Azriel, I love you, but you have to stay there. If you do not, I will ask Rhysand to keep you there. The bond went silent. I love you, but unfortunately, there are bigger things at play. Please stay there.

Do not ask me to do this

Azriel. Stay there. That is not me asking.

The bond shut off and I sighed.

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Hiya,

So, now things get interesting. Rhysand blaming Maiya for their mother's death is completely valid, because Maiya actually did want her mother dead. Keir is an interesting case, Aralya killed her husband, Az is pissed at Maiya and Firoh is very worried.

Let me know what you think,

Love Li xx