i'm finding myself because i've forgotten who i am. i am the person who showed up to school freshman year with a black eye that i was too tired to cover up, the person who starved myself until i couldn't breathe. i let my mom berate me until the thought of swallowing food made me cry. i have scars on my thighs and stomach and arms thick like paintbrush strokes from where you ruined me and ribs that never healed right, that stick out from a baseball bat in eighth grade i am the person who stole pills from the medicine cabinet and downed them like candy hoping to god that they fucking killed me i am all my dads drunken rages and angry hands angry feet, i am the person on new year's eve with my wrists pinned down to the carpet by hands that didn't stop even when i screamed. i am my own hands clawing at my skin i am three hour showers long after the water has gone cold because i'm too afraid of the place outside of the locked door and the food that never stays down.

how dare i forget who i am.

i won't make that mistake again

i ruin everything i touch and i feel like i'm going to vomit but i won't i will just lie in this bed and pull at my hair and keep my eyes peeled back so the nightmares can't find me and tomorrow i will do the same thing, the same thing until i die because i've been finding myself, and i found it. i found me.

and i'm pathetic.