I felt every muscle in my body tighten as Jake climbed inside the car. His hair dripped onto his shoulders, then onto my car seat. It mingled with his aftershave, intensifying the delectable smell. His shirt was soaked through, and I could see his defined chest beneath the thin layer.

I made a conscious effort not to look at him. Jake's good looks wouldn't help him out of the mess he had created this time.

I was uneasy about my proximity to the man who had reduced me to the size of an ant just a few hours ago. I had never felt as belittled or as betrayed as what Jake had made me feel the previous day. I could still hear him screaming at me, forcing me from his home when he knew that I had nowhere else to go.  

"I'm drenched," he murmured, his teeth chattering as he shook off some of the cold rain.

"Well, then let me offer you a blanket. It'll be no trouble at all. I won't even have to move, since all of my possessions are in the backseat of my car," I muttered cynically, reaching into the garbage bag he had so kindly slung at me a few hours before.

Jake had the good graces to look contrite as he accepted the blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders.

"I owe you an apology for that. For a lot of things, actually," he said, his eyebrows furrowed. "I may have overreacted a little."

"You think?" I mumbled. 

I could feel Jake's eyes on me, gauging my reaction, but I refused to meet them. I was afraid that doing so would make sustaining my bitterness that much more difficult. Jake was my kryptonite. I knew one glance in his direction would cause me to come crawling back into his arms.

I knew that I couldn't do that. I refused to become his collateral damage just because he couldn't cope with his warring emotions. Regardless of the reasons behind it, Jake's behavior had been unacceptable, and he needed to know that.

Jake picked up on my sour mood, and his face contorted with sorrow.

"I really am sorry, Cat. My outburst was unwarranted, and I'm ashamed of myself for it. It wasn't my finest moment." He sighed. "My anger was caused by things that are completely unrelated to you. You just happened to be on the receiving end of an explosion that was long in the making.

"Nevertheless, that doesn't excuse my bad behavior. Kicking you out of the house like that, causing you to sleep in this car- I can never apologize enough for that."

The sincerity in his voice was tangible. It almost made me want to forgive him- almost. I was too angry with Jake to let things slide this time. He had been unnecessarily cruel, and I wasn't sure I could pardon him for that. No matter my feelings for Jake, I would be doing myself a disservice if I came running back to him.

"I would like to make it up to you, Cat," Jake continued when I didn't reply. "I don't deserve your trust, but I'll do whatever it takes to help you restore it if you give me the chance. Please, come home."

"Home?" I said the word incredulously. "I don't have a home with you, Jake. You made that abundantly clear as you were throwing my belongings into a garbage bag."

Jake glanced at the large Hefty bag piled high in the backseat. He slumped his shoulders, a sense of shame consuming him.

"My actions were inexcusable. The things I said... I didn't mean them the way that they came out."

"Then how did you mean them?" I asked. My sadness had been replaced by irritation now. "You've got to make up your mind, already. I'm not a toy; you can't pick and choose when you want to play with me. I'm a grown woman with feelings, Jake, feelings that you've hurt. You were malicious to me for no reason."

I could feel my face heating with anger.

"As much as I disagree with the things that you said, perhaps you were right about one thing- maybe some time apart is just what we need," I said.

Jake's eyes widened. "You don't mean that."

I glanced out the window at the pouring rain, concealing the pain on my face.

"Yes, I do."

The words felt wrong in my mouth. Even as I said them, I knew that they weren't true. There wasn't enough conviction in my deadened and angry voice to persuade anyone that I was better off without Jake in my life.

From the moment that we had met, leaving Jake had been the last thing that I wanted. I was drawn to him like a moth to the flame. Being away from him, even for a short amount of time, was always difficult for me. The idea of leaving him permanently would cause severe emotional damage.

Before I realized what was happening, Jake grabbed my face between his hands, forcing me to look at him.

"Please." His voice was nearly inaudible as he closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. The words were barely discernible. "Please don't leave me."

There was so much pain and desperation in his plea that it caused knots to form in my stomach. This was what I had always wanted, wasn't it? For Jake to break down the barriers and show me his vulnerable side? But if this was what I had always longed for, why did seeing his pain feel so wrong?

I had tried to suppress my feelings for Jake for a long time now. I had lied to myself because of our agreement, afraid that telling Jake the truth would ruin everything we had built together. But living that way was exhausting, and I couldn't do it any longer.

I loved Jake, and I enjoyed having him in my life, but it hurt to feel so intensely about someone and know they couldn't reciprocate those feelings. It wasn't Jake's fault, but I needed more, just as he predicted that I would. I couldn't spend the rest of my life pining for a man who would always be in love with a ghost.

"I can't come home with you, Jake," I forced the words out, gently removing his hands from my face.

"Please?" he said again, moisture gathering in his eyes.

I sighed. I wasn't sure whether to listen to my head, which was telling me to get out before I got hurt even further, or my heart, which was begging me to follow him home. I was torn.

Regardless, I knew that I couldn't even consider giving Jake another chance until I told him how I felt. I needed to know if this was worth pursuing or not, and the only way to do that would be to give him an ultimatum.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the words that I had held back for far too long, the words that would make or break us.

"I like you, Jake. For more than just sex. I've tried so hard to fight it, but these feelings are stronger than I am. In spite of your words of warning, I have fallen in love with you."

Jake's eyes widened in alarm at hearing the word.

There was a long pause. The only sound that of the heavy rain hammering against the roof of my black SUV. I didn't break the silence; I had already said enough. The feelings I had bottled up for so long were finally out in the open. If things between us were to continue, it would be up to Jake to make that decision. The ball was in his court now. 

Jake ran his hands nervously through his dark hair. "No. I can't," he murmured to himself. An internal battle was waging in his deep brown irises. I saw the all too familiar walls forming again, fighting to keep me out. "I just don't feel that way about you, Cat," he murmured. 

"Oh..." I whispered, a longing ache in my heart. I had known what his answer would be, even before I revealed my feelings for him, but that didn't lessen the sting of his rejection.

"That's why I can't move back in with you. It would hurt too much to be with you, Jake, because I know you can't feel that way about me. Me coming back home wouldn't be fair to either of us," I mumbled.

"I guess I have my answer then," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

As silence fell between us, my mind wandered back to our late-night conversations, and the way Jake's gaze would soften when we made eye contact. I thought of the loads of laughter that we had shared, and the way that he mumbled my name as I pleased him.

Before I realized it, my pain was replaced by frustration. Jake was lying. No matter what he said, I knew that he had feelings for me. I could see it every time he looked at me, but I wasn't sure why he wouldn't just admit it.

The worst part about the entire situation was that he wasn't even willing to try to make our relationship work.

Just as Jake was reaching for the door handle to leave, I grabbed his arm.

"I don't believe you," I blurted, squaring my shoulders stubbornly.

Jake's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He shut the door and turned to look at me. "What?"

"I think you like me too. You're just too afraid to acknowledge the truth, even to yourself," I mumbled nervously, hoping I wasn't reading the situation wrong and making a fool of myself.

I could tell by the blush in his cheeks that I was right. 

"Why, Jake?" I asked, stomping my foot like an intolerant child. "Can't you see that you have someone right in front of you who cares deeply about you? Are you so jaded that you can't accept that? Well, I won't apologize for how I feel. I love you, Jake Lucero, and I think that you love me too."

"Dammit, Cat, stop this!" Jake snapped, hitting my passenger side dash with his fist. I jumped, caught off guard by the sudden commotion. "Why are you doing this to me?" he mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "We had such a good thing going. Why would you spoil it this way?"

I grabbed his hand in my own, causing his eyebrows to furrow in confusion.

"Because I want to be with you, Jake. I want to know that after a long, hard day on the job, we will have each other to make it better. I want to fall asleep in your bed after hours of tender lovemaking, and wake up cradled in your arms. I want to be your lover and your partner, for as long as you will have me," I said, looking earnestly into his eyes. "All you have to do is let me."

I stared at Jake for a while, waiting for a response, but he said nothing. I was shocked to see his eyes filling with tears. In the three months that I'd known Jake, I had never seen him show emotions this way. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I told you this would happen," he whispered, his voice so quiet that I had to lean in to hear. "You swore to me that you were okay just being friends; that you could be with me without the commitment.

"You said you could handle it if we kept things casual. Yet, here you are, asking for more, just as I suspected you would." Jake let out a sigh of defeat. "I shouldn't have let you talk me into this ridiculous arrangement. Now you're wanting something that I cannot give to you, Cat."

I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. This was not the answer I had been hoping for. I knew why Jake wasn't able to commit to me, and I couldn't fault him for it. But I deserved an explanation. After a few deep breaths to steady myself, I finally mustered up the courage to ask the million-dollar question.

"Why?" I asked, unmistakable hurt in my voice. "Is it because of your wife and kids?" 

I stared at my feet as I asked the question, unable to look into the face of the man who was so upset that his face was turning purple.

Jake yanked his hand out of mine as if I burned him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please don't lie to me, Jake," I murmured. "I already know what happened to them."

"Don't," he spit, fire dancing in his eyes. "Don't talk about them."

"I'm sorry," I said.

I put my hands up in a defensive stance, hoping he wouldn't get angry with me again. A repeat of the previous night was the last thing that I wanted.

"How do you even know about... Mariana," he answered his own question, rolling his eyes in frustration. "Well if you knew the truth, why didn't you say anything?"

"It wasn't my place. Besides, I just found out yesterday before... you know," I said, remembering Jake's outburst. "Tell me what happened, Jake."

His eyes widened with fright, and his shoulders tensed. He recoiled from me as if my request had physically hurt him. I knew I was asking a lot of him, but to understand why we couldn't be together, I needed to hear it straight from him.

"The least you can do is tell me the truth," I pressed.

Jake let out a deep sigh. "What happened to my family... it's not something I like to talk about. But, after everything that I've put you through the last couple of days, I guess you're entitled to that much. Let me warn you, though, it isn't a pretty story. It could very well change how you feel about me."

I snorted. "I doubt that."

Jake shook his head."You don't understand, Cat. I'm not the hero of this recollection, or even some innocent bystander. In this story, I'm the villain."

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© Dawn Norwell