Silence stretched through the car as we waited. Jake ran his hands through his hair for a few minutes, contemplating. His eyes were troubled. Part of me felt guilty that I was making him relive the worst moments of his life, but a bigger part was eager to hear the story for myself.

Jake took a long time to work up to talking about it, but I didn't rush him. The fact that he was willing to confide his secrets to me was more than he had given me thus far. I didn't want to push him too quickly, for fear he would withdraw from me again. So I sat in silence, listening to the rain as it continued it's torrent outside, waiting patiently until he was ready.

"My family didn't leave me," he finally said, his voice tormented. "Not in the way that I implied, anyway. Five years ago, before I moved to Chico, I lost my wife and kids in a fire."

He glanced at me from his peripherals, measuring my reaction. I kept my facial expression under control, giving nothing away. 

"We lived in San Diego at the time. My wife got a promotion and was being transferred to a position near Chico, so I came up a few weeks early to look for a place for us to live. I found a beautiful home right away. It had a fenced backyard for the kids, and a sunroom for Elena to read in. Ana and Lucas would finally have their own rooms. There was even a large tree for a tire swing or treehouse. It was perfect.

But Elena and the kids never made it here to see it in person."

The idea that the house I had been staying in for months, was bought in hopes of Elena, Ana, and Lucas coming to live there made my stomach churn. I thought of the elaborate stair rail that Jake had designed for her, and the furniture and décor that was meant for them to enjoy together. I considered the memories that would have been made in that home if they hadn't been snuffed out like they meant nothing.

I had to bite my inner jaw to keep from becoming emotional. 

"I had just finished moving the last of our unessential boxes to the new house and was on my way back to San Diego when the fire began. The fire department said there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. The house was old and had faulty wiring. Even though we had put Christmas lights up every year, this time, it was just too much for the circuit.

"Elena and I had argued about the lights before I left. Though she loved Christmas, she wanted to wait until we were settled in our new home to put them up. But I told her we had to put them up one last time, to commiserate our final holiday in our family's first home- one last hoorah.

"As usual, Elena was right. The outdoor lights had shorted a fuse during the night, while everyone was sound asleep. The fire spread quickly. The house had disintegrated before anything could be done. By the time I arrived, the entire place was devoured in flames."

I stared at Jake in shock. No wonder the Christmas decorations set him off yesterday. Sure, the house was old, and the wiring questionable, but the lights were the main cause of the fire. He would probably never be able to enjoy this time of year again because it would forever remind him of his family. My heart ached for him.

"I remember pulling into the driveway and seeing Elena standing in the yard, screaming in a crazed frenzy. I looked up just in time to see Ana and Lucas looking out their bedroom window, beating against the glass as they tried, and failed, to force the window open.

"I tried to get to my children. Truly, I did. But the staircase had burned away, and I had no other way to get to the second floor. I begged Ana and Lucas to find a way to pry the window open, to jump into my waiting arms, but they couldn't hear me. The sheer terror on their faces will be forever etched into my mind. They were dying, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it," Jake said, a single tear falling down his cheek.

My lip trembled as I tried to hold back my own tears. It hurt me to see Jake in so much pain.

"The firemen finally arrived and rushed me out of the way as they worked to get through the rubble. I dropped to my knees and begged them to save my children, but it was too late. I watched as the flames engulfed my home with my children inside, their cries of pain resonating to my core.

Jake paused to compose himself. His tears were now flowing as freely as the rain that poured outside. I could feel my own eyes welling at the thought of these young children, these babies, dying before they ever even got to live. My heart ached for them, and for Jake; no parent should have to bury their children. 

"My wife escaped the fire, but she was hospitalized," Jake continued. "The doctor said she inhaled too much smoke. The official cause of death was cardiac arrest, but I knew Elena. The smoke was nothing compared to the trauma of watching her children burn alive. She went into a coma a little while after the fire, and she never came out of it. Less than twelve hours after the fire began, I was planning three funerals, three deaths that would forever be on my hands," he said, burying his face in his fists.

I grabbed his hands gently, pulling his face free and forcing him to look at me. His brown eyes were pained as tears continued streaking down his cheeks.

"How are their deaths on your hands, Jake?" I asked incredulously. "There was nothing you could have done to prevent the fire. You couldn't have known what would happen. It was a fluke accident." 

He sniffled and wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket.

"That's where you're wrong. I should have pushed the Christmas light issue. That was the started the fire. If I had listened to Elena about the Christmas lights, the fire never would have started in the first place.

"Now I will forever be thinking about what I could have done differently, or wondering if I had arrived just a few minutes sooner, would they have stood a chance? If it wasn't for me and my need to control everything, Elena and the kids would still be alive," he said, his face solemn.

"To know that the family you loved more than anything in the world died and that you could have prevented it from happening, it's almost unbearable," Jake admitted. "After I lost them, I couldn't deal with it. I withdrew from everyone in my life, even going as far as moving to Chico, just so I could be left alone. It was subconscious at the time, but now I can see that I isolated myself because I didn't want to experience that kind of hurt again. Still, there are times when I wish I had died in the fire with them, just so I didn't have to feel this pain," he confessed. 

I leaned forward and caressed his arm consolingly. I wasn't sure what to say, but I hoped to provide him some comfort to ease his pain. His muscles tensed, but he didn't pull away from my touch.

"You can't think that way, Jake. You have to consider all of the other families who would be burying their children if you had not been there to save them. You couldn't save your family, and no one blames you for that. It was beyond your control. But you've rescued countless other people from the flames since then. Hell, you even rescued me from them. I would be dead right now if it wasn't for you, as would so many others."

"That's why I became a fireman," he sniffled. "Nothing can ever make up for the loss of my wife and kids, but maybe I can prevent that grief from happening to another family. I have dedicated my life to fighting the flames that stole so much from me. I'll do whatever it takes to prevent another soul from being lost in a fire, even if it means losing my own life is lost in the process."

His face was determined. Hearing him speak this way scared me. Mariana had been right when she said that he had developed a self-destructive attitude. He felt the need to single-handedly fight every fire without thinking about the ramifications. It was like he was punishing himself for not saving his own family.  

"What happened to your family is a tragedy, Jake, but it wasn't your fault. It was an accident, something beyond your control. You can't punish yourself forever. Your family wouldn't want that for you. They'd want you to be happy."

Jake shook his head. "You sound so much like Elena, it's eerie." Jake smiled, then he let out a sigh. "I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive myself for what happened that night. But you're right about one thing- my family would want to see me happy. And you make me happy, Cat."

Jake startled me by grabbing my hand and looking longingly into my eyes.

"I know that I haven't been fair to you, stringing you along the way I have. I've lied to both of us by saying that I don't have feelings for you. But you have to understand that I don't know how to be in a relationship anymore. I've spent the last five years pushing people away. It's been so long since I've tried to get close to someone else that I'm worried I can't do it now."

I placed my hand gently on his cheek, and he leaned into my palm.

"I never claimed to be a pro at this either, Jake. I have issues of my own, remember? There will always be times when things are difficult, but I'm willing to try if you are. If this is something that we both want, and I mean really want, then we can find a way to make it work."

Jake looked at me, his eyes fervent. "It terrifies me to be near you, but staying away is almost impossible. You've stirred something inside of me, something that I haven't felt in a very long time. You make me want to be a better man, Cat, a better man for you. You burn brightly, kindling a fire inside of me that makes me want you more and more."

"You know, Cat," he continued. "This thing between us reminds me a little of the wildfires- it's unpredictable and terrifying, just as they are. It's something that can be calm and mesmerizing, fleeting swiftly, but leaving a sense of beauty in its wake. Or it can be something that is raging out of control, powerful enough to destroy both of us if we don't contain it.

I felt a flutter in my heart at his words.

"I know I said I couldn't give you what you need, and it could turn out to be the truth in the end, but I would still like to try to be the man that you deserve. If you'll have me, that is."

Jake stared at me with pleading brown eyes. His face was vulnerable, cringed with pain as though bracing for the rejection he was certain I would give. It was hard to witness, but I couldn't look away.

I bit my lip anxiously. I should be happy. Jake was willing to give me everything I had been asking for. So, then why was I hesitant to trust him and to believe that this wasn't too good to be true?

I thought about his words for a moment. I wanted Jake, that much was true. But could I handle the baggage that came with being his girlfriend? He could very well wake up tomorrow morning and change his mind, leaving me to grieve losing him all over again. Was it worth taking that chance?

One look at Jake's intent brown eyes and I knew the answer. As hard as it was to admit, I couldn't stay away from him. We were brought together for a reason. Our fates had become perpetually intertwined the moment he ran into a burning building to save my life.

"Okay." I murmured.

Jake smiled, and I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Enthusiastic butterflies danced in my stomach at the prospect of what could be.

"But if we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. A relationship without honesty will always fail. Regardless of the intensity of my feelings for you, Jake, this thing between you and I will go nowhere if we aren't willing to open up to one another. From now on, no more secrets."

"Deal," he said, a relieved smile on his face. "I will be honest with you from this point forward, Cat. I promise. And there will be no more hiding our relationship, or trying to convince myself that this isn't what it is."

He took my hand in his and looked at me attentively, brown eyes staring into brown eyes.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I murmured, looking at the floorboard. He had been fighting our relationship for so long, it was hard for me to believe he was willing to give us a try now.

"I've never been more sure about anything," he said, lifting my chin gently. "I have spent my entire adult life fighting wildfires, Cat, but I'm done trying to fight the fire that you've ignited in me."

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© Dawn Norwell