Mariana excused herself from the room, completely oblivious to the bombshell she had suddenly dropped on my world. I sat alone in the living room for a long time, staring at the wall in disbelief. The winter wonderland I had spent hours creating looked bleak now.

The news Mariana had given me weighed heavy on my heart. Of all the things I suspected Jake was hiding from me, his family's deaths were not one of them.

Knowing what truly happened to Jake's wife and children was gut-wrenching. I immediately regretted my frustrations about Jake's inability to commit. It was no wonder that he couldn't open up his heart to me; he had suffered such an unspeakable loss.

At the same time, it was a relief to know what Jake had been hiding for so long. Mariana's information allowed me to put together the missing piece as to why Jake was the way that he was. But it hurt that he didn't think he could trust me with that secret, that Jake had lied to me for so long.

Well, he never really lied, my subconscious reminded me.

I thought back to how wary Jake was when mentioning his wife and children. He was careful with the truth, leaving out certain details so I couldn't put two and two together. He always used words like 'left' or 'gone' when referring to his family's disappearance. It was as though Jake didn't want to admit that they had died, because doing so would make it feel more real. Regardless of the reasoning behind his choice, it didn't ease the sting of betrayal that I felt. 

My chipper and energetic mood was long gone. My lack of sleep and the new, heart-rending insight into Jake's past made me more fatigued than I'd ever been in my life. But at the same time, how could I rest when the world as I knew it was caving in around me?

Despite my exasperation at learning Jake's secrets, I tried to think about things from his perspective. What hurt he must be feeling, encumbered with an ache that would never really go away. To lose the love of your life would be difficult for anyone to overcome. And to have to bury your children, too? That's a burden that no parent should ever have to endure.

Tears formed in my eyes as I stared at Anna and Lucas' empty stockings. I picked them up and held them gently, as if they were fragile objects that might crumble in the palm of my hand. I ran my index finger along the soft surface of the cuffs, my heart melting at the realization that the children whose names were embossed here had perished in one of the worst possible ways.

It was no wonder that Jake was adamant about doing his job and doing it well. He fought fires for a living, clashing day in and day out with the very thing that snuffed out the people he cared for the most.

But the truth was, no matter how many people Jake saved, it would never bring Elena and the kids back. He would forever be haunted by the memories he'd had with them, and would always be left to wonder what could have been. For that reason, he would never be able to give me what I needed in life.

For months now, Jake had attempted to warn me. He tried time and time again to convince me to move on, to find a man more suitable for me, someone who could love me and give me their whole self. But I didn't listen. I continued this rendezvous with him, convinced that I could keep things casual. In the end, I fell for him with my whole heart, just as he feared that I would, and now I had to pay the price of my unrequited love.  

As if I had summoned him, Jake stumbled into the living room, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He had barely taken two steps into the room, before stopping in his tracks. It took him a full minute of gaping before he could take in the Christmas decorations that had been strewn about his home.

I immediately regretted my holiday festivity as I watched his emotions change before my eyes. Sadness, annoyance, resentment... it was all prevalent on his face. His face turned scarlet, and his teeth snapped together. He was filled with a deep-seated anger, unlike anything I had seen before. For the first time since I had met Jake, I felt truly frightened of him.

"Put it back," Jake said, his words so quiet that I barely heard them.

"Jake, I'm sorry," I stuttered, getting awkwardly to my feet. My knees began to shake under his glare. "I just wanted to..."

He interrupted me. "I don't care what you hoped to accomplish here. Put it back," he repeated through clenched teeth. "The tree, the figurines, all of the decorations, just put them back where you found them." 

I wanted to argue, to ask him what was up with the sudden mood swing. He was in such a great mood last night, and now he was filled with anger. I couldn't keep up with his crazy back and forth temperament.

But I knew his frustrations weren't directed toward me. Not really. This was something else entirely, an anger meant for someone who was no longer here to receive it. I was just the target of his pain by default. I kept my mouth shut and focused on putting the decorations back in the boxes as he'd requested.

An uncomfortable silence stretched over the room. I could feel Jake's eyes on me as I packed up the holiday decor. My willingness to comply with his ridiculous demand still didn't seem to appease him, as he continued glowering at me in disdain. 

"This is the problem with you, Cat," he started, his breath shaky as if he was barely holding in his fury. "You just help yourself to whatever you want, the consequences be damned. Did it ever once occur to you why this stuff would be in storage? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I wanted to keep it there?"

I started to answer, but he interrupted me.

"No, you didn't," he snapped. "You have no regard for anyone else's feelings but your own."

As the words left his mouth, I stopped cleaning up and stared at him, trying to figure out who the hell this alter ego was that had taken Jake over. Because the Jake I knew would never speak to me so disrespectfully, no matter the circumstances.

I took a deep breath, suppressing my irritation. I didn't respond to Jake's cruel words, knowing that my retort would only intensify his aggravation. But it didn't matter if I kept my mouth shut or not, because the end result would have been the same. Jake was determined to be pissed at me, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

"Do you need help cleaning up?" he spit, narrowing his eyes at me as I continued to stare at him. "Fine."

In a tantrum that would make a two year old proud, Jake began flinging the Christmas decorations around the room. He threw hanging wreaths off of doors and ripped holly from the archways, fraying the delicate leaves. He knocked over the nativity scenes in a rage, not caring when the small figurines crashed to the ground and cracked into pieces.

All of the feelings and emotions that he had repressed for so long had come pouring out and resulted in his continual rampage through the living room. My hours of hard work and care was ruined in a matter of seconds.

But I no longer cared about the holiday decorations or Jake's hatred of them, for I knew they weren't the root of Jake's outburst. At that moment, Mariana's words came back to me. Christmas was Elena's favorite holiday. These were her decorations, decorations that Jake probably hadn't seen since she was alive. Of course seeing them after so long would make him think of his family.

I wanted to go back in time and undo what I had thought was a kind gesture. I wished that I had asked Jake before venturing into the garage and bringing the totes inside, instead of trying to surprise him. But it was too late to put the gift back in the box at this point.

"Fuck, Cat!" Jake bellowed.

In an outburst, he pulled tinsel off of the Christmas tree so aggressively that the entire structure came tumbling down, breaking ornaments and lights along the way.

I flinched away from the falling tree, and from the anger in Jake's voice. My heart hammered, and I felt the adrenaline rushing through my body. I racked my brain, trying to figure out how I could remedy a situation that had gone so bad, so quickly.

But my thoughts were jumbled. All I could focus on was Jake and how terrified I was. He was clawing at his face with his fingernails until his eyes were red and bloodshot. He looked like a crazy man. I had never seen him this way, and it honestly scared me.

"Jake," I said softly, working to keep my voice calm and defuse things before they got any worse. "I said that I was sorry. I'm going to put the decorations up, just like you asked, but I need you to calm down before I can do that. You're upset, and I get that. But please, just take a breath."

"Don't fucking tell me what to do, Cat. You're not my wife!" he snarled.

"I know that!" I choked. "You've made that pretty clear," I mumbled.

Jake's berating had gone on long enough. I had tried to be patient and understanding, but I couldn't sit back any longer. My own anger burned deep inside me, forcing its way out against my mental pleas.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jake asked.

"It means that every time we start to get close, you find a way to push me away," I admitted. "I know you warned me from the beginning that you had commitment issues, but I didn't realize just how hurt you really were.

"I want to be with you, Jake. I want to be the shoulder that you lean on and the friend that you confide in, but no matter how hard I try, you won't let me. It's like you're determined to be alone because of what happened to your family."

A hard glint formed in his brown eyes, and I worked to soften my voice.

"You miss your family, and that's okay. I would be more worried if you didn't feel that way. But you can't live your life pining for them. I can't help but think that Elena, Ana, and Lucas wouldn't want you to be this way. They would want you to move forward in life, rather than wallowing in misery, and feeling guilty for something you had no control over."

I knew right away that I had taken things too far. Jake's face was as red as a tomato, and his breathing intensified as he stared at me. I could see the dangerous fire dancing in his eyes, waiting to explode.

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FUCKING FAMILY!"

His bellow echoed through the house, causing me to jump. My hand automatically grabbed at my throat as if his words were strangling me. His body was visibly shaking, and his jaw was clenched so tightly, I worried that it might dislocate. I was seeing a new side to Jake, one that I didn't like.

He took a step toward me, and I took a step away, more afraid than I had ever been in my life. For a moment, I worried that he might hit me, but his hands remained at his sides, balled into fists. My heart was pounding so violently the only thing I could focus on was trying to calm it.

Jake's eyes never left mine as he continued to glare at me, so full of loathing and hatred that I felt my eyes welling with tears. I didn't want to cry, to let Jake get the upper hand here, but I couldn't prevent the tears from coming.

I was acutely aware of Mariana's arrival as she came bursting into the room. Her eyes widened with alarm when she saw Jake, red-faced and fuming mad, and me, shaking with fright as tears poured down my cheeks.

"What's going on?" she asked cautiously.

"Nothing is going on," Jake said, his voice eerily calm for someone so full of rage. "Cat was just leaving."

Jake walked into the kitchen, grabbed a large garbage bag, and began putting anything that belonged to me in a five-foot radius into the sack.  

"W-what?" I stuttered, hoping I had heard him incorrectly.

"I said, get the fuck out of my house!" he thundered.

"Jake," Mariana hissed, grabbing his arm. "Stop this!"

Jake shook her off roughly. "Stay out of it, Mariana."

"I will not! You're being an idiot!" she retorted.

Jake whipped around to glare at her with anger etched into his facial features, and his eyes narrowed into menacing slits.

"For once in your life, Mariana, mind your own fucking business," he spit at her.

She took a step back from her big brother as if his words were poison, her lips tightly sealed.

Jake continued throwing my belongings around the house in anger as Mariana and I watched in shock, both at a loss for words. Harley whined and hid behind a kitchen chair, terrified of the sudden commotion.

Jake threw in the last bit of my clothing and turned to toss the bag at me, along with my jacket and shoes. His brown eyes stared daggers at me, his chest heaving from the exertion of packing my stuff.

"So that's it, then?" I asked, my shoulders slumped forward in defeat. It seemed like someone else asking that question, someone else whose voice was devoid of emotion. "After all the time we've spent together, after everything that happened last night, this is really how we're going to say goodbye?"

Jake shrugged nonchalantly.

"Good riddance," he muttered, turning his back to me.

His cruel words shoved the invisible knife deeper into my heart. There was no sentiment in his face. He truly didn't care if I left and never came back.

Harley's head was low, and his ears flattened as I pulled him from behind the kitchen table and put his harness on. I knew that he loved Jake and didn't like to see him upset. Being forced to leave was causing him as much emotional pain as it did for me.

I was still in a daze as I attached the leash to Harley and headed for the door. Just before I walked over the threshold, Mariana grabbed my arm.

"Cat..." she said, tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's gotten into him. Please don't go."

"Its okay, Mariana," I said, my voice thick with unshed tears. I was barely holding it together as it was, and seeing the hurt in Mariana's eyes wasn't helping matters. "I think this is for the best."

Mariana nodded, and we embraced in a heartfelt hug. I clung to her, overcome with emotion at realizing that this could be the last time I saw her. She had become a great friend in her short stay with us, and the idea of losing her hurt almost as much as it hurt to lose Jake.

Over Mariana's shoulder, I could see that Jake was still glowering from the living room. His features had softened a little, but his lips were still pursed in a hard line, and his eyes tight. It was peculiar, seeing Jake with such a cold and hard exterior, while surrounded by the remnants of the winter wonderland.

"Goodbye, Jake," I muttered in his direction. He gave one swift nod and left the room.

With a sigh, I grabbed my purse in one hand, tightened my grip on Harley with the other, and walked out the door of the place I'd come to call home.

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© Dawn Norwell