Brothers, Boyfriends, and Bathrooms

I turn my face to Raiden because his words come out all weird and scrambled, and it suddenly dawns on me. "Are you drunk?" I sniffle around him, and I look away instantly. "God. Raiden. What's wrong with you people? It's three in the afternoon." I stand up, freeing myself from his heavy arm curled around me.

"Sister...Sssister. Don't be a pooper party."

"A party pooper, you mean?"

"Whatever. Skyler broke up with me and I blame Lukah here." He pokes Luka's shoulder bone rather hard. "And today." His index finger presses hard against the wooden surface in an overdone gesture. "Today is that day, remember Lukah?" He turns his face dramatically towards him.

"What do you mean?" I ask with a puzzled look on my face. "Is Skyler okay? What did you do to her?"

"Oh, she's fine!" He trails the last word for a long beat. "She dumped me." He throws me an indignant look with his palm spread on his chest. His other arm remains draped around Lukah. "Huh. Imagine. I'm the one you should be concerned about, not her!" He now throws his whole body over the bar counter. His hands start fumbling around, looking for something below. "She just came..." he grunts, struggling to speak, "...to the evident conclusion that I have done really shitty things in the past, here with my pal Lukah." He finally straightens up with a bottle of some brownish liquid in his right hand. As soon as he opens it, he starts gulping it down. Lukah and I share a worried look.

"Okay, that's enough." Lukah snatches the bottle away from Raiden's grasp.

"Just a bit more." He manages to snatch it back, then he gulps down a huge drink, and a grimace appears on his face when he is done. "Skyler found out, Lukah. She found out that we screwed up," he claims, anguish lacing his tone.

"What is he talking about?" I question Lukah.

Lukah nods his head, concentrating on holding Raiden in place since he can't stand right now.

"Oh God," Raiden whines, holding his stomach. "I'm- I'm gonna puke all over the new furniture. Can't we go back in time?" He gags visibly, his shoulders slouching forward.

"Quickly, let's take him to the bathroom!" Lukah urges me.

He drapes Raiden's arm over his shoulder and I mirror his actions. We carry him until we find the bathroom door. Lukah kicks it open with his foot and we rush inside.

The second we enter, Raiden goes on his knees and starts puking his insides out. I kneel next to him with my hand pressed against his back.

"How can I help?"

"Just get away," he whispers.

"I'm not leaving you." My arm curls around him.

"I just can't let my past in the past, it keeps coming back," he sobs.

What is he talking about?

Lukah appears next to Raiden, opposite of me with a wet towel that he presses against the nape of his neck.

His actions take me back to that time when he did this for me. I wonder why he cares so much about people who are in this situation.

"It will be okay, Raiden," Lukah speaks in a soothing voice. "We can't change the past, you just have to focus on the present mate."

Raiden cries in utter agony. What is all this about? What has he done?

"Mom would know what to tell me, you know Sunset?" He looks up at me, his face drenched with tears. "She would know exactly what to tell me. She was an expert in words after all."

"Let's just get you home," I offer and gesture at him to stand up.

"No," he snaps. "I don't want to go to that apartment. Just let me lay down here." He curls up on the floor, his fragility making my heartache. "This is why I told you to stay away from Lukah, Sunset. You will get hurt, just like we hurt her."

My eyes shoot up to Lukah. Who are they talking about?

"He is not making any sense. Just sleep. Sunset is safe, you don't have to worry about that," Lukah claims, brushing some hair off of Raiden's face.

🔸🔸🔸

Twenty minutes later, Raiden is snoring softly on the bathroom floor, curled up like a ball. Dean found us some minutes ago, and he brought us some water while we gave my brother some time to recover. But he still hasn't woken up. I didn't question Lukah about my brother's sayings. I don't think I'm brave enough to find out yet. In fact I think neither of us is brave enough to have the conversation that we know that follows.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I hear Lukah shuffling in his place. He is sitting on the floor towards my brother's head. His right knee is pent up, while the other one lies stretched ahead of him. His back is against the white tiles of the wall.

The water bathes my hands, and I close my eyes as I press my wet palms against my face, and then the nape of my neck.

"You and I locked up in a bathroom again?" he asks, forcing me to open my eyes. I turn around to look at him, leaning against the sink.

"I'm glad I'm not the one throwing up this time." I smile faintly.

"I wish our second date would take place in a different place, though," he states nonchalantly.

"Second? Was I invited to the first?"

"The first one was in that bathroom. At Josh's party." His green eyes lock on mine. Though, they look kind of grey today. But hey, this is the right twin, I swear.

I scoff, red tinting my cheeks. "You kidding me? I was pretending that day never happened-"

"I fell in love with you that day, so that's what I consider our first date," he states and then looks down at my brother.

"You fell in love with a girl hugging a toilet seat for dear life? Lukah, please." I fold my arms, not allowing myself to believe what he is saying.

"I fell in love with the girl who refuses to repeat the story." He looks up at me.

My brother stirs, mumbling something about Skyler and then he goes back to sleep. My eyes lock with Lukah's for a brief second, and I quickly break the trance.

What if my brother hears any of this?

"Then when I kissed you, hell." He pauses for a long second. "I fell even harder."

"This is not the right time for this. He could hear us," I say, rubbing my forehead.

"He won't. But-" He stands up and steps over Raiden, dodging his spread body effectively until he is standing in front of me. "But we need to have this conversation, even if nothing ever happens between us because I'm-"

"You wanna talk?" I frown deeply. "Okay, let's talk because this is a big question for me."

"Fire," he says, folding his arms and towering over me.

"Do you go around life kissing your brother's girlfriends?"

He scoffs and looks to a side, then his blazing green eyes return to me. They turned clear green now.

"I can't believe you are mad at me because of a hypothetical situation. You are not dating my brother, or so you guys tell me." His eyes roll ever-so-slightly.

"But you thought I was. And that's how high my standards are when it comes to men," I fire.

"You'll be single for a long time, then."

"Excuse me? I can turn around right now and find at least three guys that would date me." I raise my chin, mustering confidence I do not possess.

He chuckles, his dimples showing. "Sunset. Come on. Are you for real right now?"

"Just answer my damn question Lukah," I hiss. God, how hard can it be?

"I was not thinking for starters." He runs his hands through his hazelnut hair. "You were wearing a damn sports bra, and-"

"That's such a relief, so you just go around kissing people who wear sports bras?"

"Sunset. For God's sake. Stop," he snaps, raising his voice. We both flash a look towards my brother to check that he is still asleep. "This is silly." He returns his attention to me, lowering his voice, and placing his arms at either side of the sink. "I kissed you. I wanted to kiss you, not only that day but ever since I met you that day in the parking lot."

"Are we done talking?" I look down, and the tips of my vans roam around the worn corner of the white tile.

"No. Look at me, Sun." He pulls my chin up with his curled, index finger.

"I would never hurt my brother like that. I was not thinking straight, but I promise that's not my standard behavior. The fact that you two could be dating dawned on me later." His hands land at either side of my arms, and he slides them up and down.

I lean my forehead against his chest, his breathing palpable. His hands transition to my waist and he pulls me against him, hugging me tightly. I inhale deeply, taking in his fresh, faint cologne scent.

My eyes look up and I find his lips right there for me. The mere distance of air separating us. Time dissolves around me, and he is all I want, even with my brother unconscious on the floor.

He gulps visibly.

I stand on the tips of my Vans and bridge the gap between us and I part my lips on his.

He remains still for a second. Another second goes by, but I swear it's an eternity. My cheeks heat with embarrassment, so I slowly detach myself from him and I go back on the soles of my feet, my eyes nailed to the floor.

I just hate myself so much for allowing me to think he may ever reciprocate my feelings.

"I'm so sorry, Sunset. But before we do that I need to tell you something."

"I hate you so much," I sob pathetically, completely aware that I do not hate him at all, and that's why it hurts so much.

"Things have changed now. I was not expecting this from your brother. We can't tell him now. We need to wait." He searches my eyes but I avoid them.

He has a point. But, ugh! This sucks.

"Still I had to tell you all of this because I'm leaving on an internship for a month. I was going to turn it down, but I think it's best if I take some distance," he ends, taking a step back.

"Great. You're leaving me too."

"It's not like I will disappear like those fictional characters you met. It's just a month."

"They were not fictional! That's why they are important to me!"

"Sunset, they are gone. I'll only leave for a few days...your brother needs time. This is what drags you into your anxiety, see?. You are so focused on the negative stuff. Thank God, and Dean that the books didn't catch fire and fucking move on for once!"

This feels like a deja vu of that conversation I had with Jason when we broke up. And I hate that Lukah is the one telling me to move on.

I know he's right. I know my brother needs time. I know they are gone. I know I should be just thankful because the outcome for the books could have been worse. But it hurts me to hear him say it like that and I refuse to acknowledge he is right.

"You'll never be like them," I spit.

"Luckily! Because I'm not a damn stereotype made of someone else's words and ideas. I am my own. I am real."

"Oh, shut up, you wouldn't stand a chance with me if Hardin or Peeta were real!"

"Again with the hypothetical situations. I honestly have no idea who these guys are. My favorite books are limited to eolic science and statistics, because it just doesn't make sense to waste time reading bullshit and filling your mind with standards you will never meet in real life!"

"You're totally right. You'll never meet their standards."

"Sun, baby-"

"You'll never be like Hardin, even less like Peeta." I hump. The audacity he has.

"I honestly don't know them so I would never know. And, frankly, I don't care because they are fictional and they are gone!" he shout-whispers, stressing the last word.

His words bump violently against my chest. "Right." I fight the tears biting my quivering bottom lip. "You have no idea who they are. How could you? You've never even met them."

We run out of words to say.

And it hurts so much, and I feel so cold even when we are inside. Damn Canadian weather.

I honeslty have nothing to say to him. And it seems he feels the same way.

For a few minutes, nothing is audible except for my random pathetic sobs, and his continuous sighs.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out. "I don't mean to play with your feelings. But, I think you, me, and Raiden need time before we jump into this. He is not okay right now, I can't do this to him." His hand cradles the side of my face, and I snatch it away.

"You're-"

"I need you to know, that I want to be with you in every possible way." He tries to grab my face, but I dodge him. "I came into this place willing to speak to your brother, your dad, and any character you may have hidden under your bed. But right now, considering the state of your brother...he needs time before I break into him that I fell in love with his sister. And even when I do, I think he is gonna kick my ass because...believe me when I say that I don't possess the cleanest record when it comes to dating, and he is well aware of that."

"Honestly, sometimes I wish people would stop leaving me behind."

"Even if I stay I can't do that to your brother now..."

"Cool. Friends, then," I speak stoically.

"Sun...Sunset"

"F*ck you." I turn around and grab the doorknob. The door starts opening, but I feel his hand clutching around my arm and jolting me back inside until I'm flushed against him.

"You're crying," he states the obvious.

I slide the pads of my fingers under my eyes. "Yeah, you psychic?" I look up to meet his gaze, his fingers clutching my arm.

His hand travels to the side of my neck, and there I see the struggle-or rather war in his eyes.

"I just- I, I hate that you always find reasons to-"

My words die on my lips when his mouth clashes against mine. As if it were magic, all is forgotten, and he is all I care about.

I kiss him with anger and madness. My hands pull at the ends of his hair as he forces me to walk back until he pins me harshly against the door.

"My brother." My voice comes out muffled since his mouth is obsessively ravishing mine. "My brother is right there," I pant when he gives my lips a break.

"I know." He gasps for air and continues to kiss me. His hand slides under my sweater, his palm spreads against my back, brushing the hem of my bra.

My brother groans and Lukah detaches his mouth from mine. His chest heaves up and down, and his eyes are wildly set on mine. My hands are still attached to his shoulders, but I drop them when my brother mumbles something again.

I break the spell he has me under with his magnetizing eyes and his undecided behavior, and I crawl down to help my brother. Lukah soon follows, kneeling next to him as well.

"I- I, I think I'm ready to go home," Raiden mutters, completely unaware of everything that has just happened.

🔸🔸🔸

My brother was safely put to bed, with dad and Lukah's help. The whole adventure of bringing my drunk brother to our apartment helped us cool down from our heated...argument.

Now we are downstairs, right outside the hall of my building, on the busy street. The cold winter air burns my skin through my clothes, as we awkwardly stand, facing each other.

"When are you leaving?" I ask, folding a pale pink, woolen scarf around my neck.

"Next week." He shoves his hands deep into his black jeans.

"What's the internship about?" I rub my gloved hands together.

"It's in Texas. I'm gonna work for an Eolic power enterprise. It'll look good on my resume and I love that as much as you love books." He flashes me a lop-sided smile.

"So...you are happy about it?" My teeth chatter against each other.

"So...you are happy about it?" My teeth chatter against each other.

"I have been applying to do that since forever, so yes I have my reasons to go over there."

"Great. I'm happy for you," I return, and I mean it even if I'm mad at the whole situation.

He steps closer to me and tucks an escaping, golden tendril of my hair behind my ear. His intentions to kiss me are clear in his troubled green eyes.

Strands of his brown hair slick forward as he leans in to kiss me, but I press my fist lightly against his firm abdomen, stopping his actions. I hear him sighing and then he hugs me and places a long kiss on the top of my head.

We remain like that, frozen, not because of the blazing cold weather of November in Toronto, but because time seems to hold still when he holds me like this.

That is until I'm brave enough to let go of him. I slowly slide my arms away from him, the cold air hitting me fully as I break free from his embrace.

"I can't let you kiss me again-"

"Yeah, no- I mean," he stammers but I silence him.

"No. Let me talk now." My hand lands on his shoulder bone. "You have reasons to leave. You have reasons to not date me yet. You have reasons everywhere for everything, but you don't have one single reason to stay with me."

"Sun-"

"No. Let me finish." I frown at him, my voice defeated. "Next time you ever consider kissing me, that is if there ever is a next time, make sure you have one really good reason to be with me and for good. Until then, don't touch me again. Don't kiss me again. Don't call me again." My voice breaks.

"Baby, please I have reasons to-"

"Well, none of them are enough." My voice sounds louder than I intended it to be.

I get everything he says. I get all of his reasons. I just wish I was enough for him to tell everyone to f*ck themselves, and let us be happy.

"I get it. I just-" He looks up, sighing heavily. "I just don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad." I cradle his face and then I quickly remove my hand from there.

He winces briefly when I do that.

"I respect myself, as hard as it may seem to believe, I respect myself too much to let you just go around kissing me if you are not ready to commit to it. I mean, even if you want to...you still don't. And I get it. You and my brother have history. You have the internship. And there is no room for me right now."

"But I have no choice, I have no power over those things...or your brother, or our past. I have no choice," he voices, his hands running through his tousled brown hair.

"Oh Lukah," I breathe. "We always have a choice."

After another long silence, I decide that we have finally run out of things to tell each other.

It is what it is.

I turn away from him and walk towards the building entrance, but then I turn again, regretting my whole respect-myself speech, and I am willing to kiss him even if he never gets back to me.

But when I do, he is already gone.

The icy-cold weather intensifies. I guess I'll have to learn to live with it.