⛔ Substance Abuse Warning / Mental Health Warning

Arguing, Sobbing, and  Escaping

My father stands under the door frame—his eyes impassive, his shoulders squared. He looks much taller than usual.

I gulp.

"Tell me this is some sort of administrative glitch and that you are not throwing away all the effort your mother and myself have done to pay for your university," he speaks.

My heartbeats have gone mute, a rising sound echoing in my skull.

"Tell me!" he shouts,  startling me.

"We'll let you talk." Lukah stands up to leave, but Dean and my brother are fixed to their places. Their eyes flicker between my dad and me.

"I- um- I- I was trying- my-" My brain is having issues with voicing the truth behind my actions. People tend to judge when I say that my anxiety feels so suffocating that there are certain situations that I just can't face. While in other circumstances I just can.  "Dad, mum told me-"

"No. No. No." My dad shakes his head frenetically. "You will not bring your mother to this conversation. This is about you not having the will to face your life!"

"Dad-" Raiden starts.

"Silence. This is between her and me," he thunders. "Tell me why the heck you are ruining your life."

"I suffer from anxiety! I don't do it on purpose!" I claim. "And the car accident, last time I was in that place...I- Um- I just-" Tears threaten my eyes and my throat constricts.

"And what happens to your anxiety when you go to work, or anywhere else?" He arches his eyebrows, expecting an answer from me. "What about acting classes? Photography classes? Cooking classes? You think I didn't see the receipts in the credit card account?"

"Dad. I was trying to follow her advice. I promise," I admit, shaking my head. " I just don't know what to do with my life, and I have never been good enough for the academic world. Besides...my anxiety gets triggered there. That was the last place before the accident- And- I-"   

"Well, you should have told me." He puts his hands up in the air.  "I would have helped you! We could have continued your therapy sessions through video calls.  I will not let your anxiety ruin your future."

"You just don't understand what is like," I mumble with my eyes on the plate in front of me.

"The one thing that I understand is that you not going to university means that you're throwing away all the effort your mother and myself did for you." He points his index finger at me.

My heart contorts inside of me. He has no right to say that to me. I'm doing what she told me...and I know I could have tried harder but I really feel so limited sometimes. I hate how hard he is on me right now. 

"Yeah, well." I scoff, sobbing and crying at once. "She was the one who actually made money in this family and since she is not here I don't think she fucking cares," I spit out and let my body fall against the back of my chair.

"You do not talk like that about your mother!" he yells. "And yes. You're right. She brought most of the income into this house. She still does, so you should at least go to university to show some respect to her."

I stand up, my chair falling behind me.

"I hate you so much!" I declare, tears already falling down my eyes.

"To your room," he commands as if I were a freaking child.

"That's where I was going anyway!' I thunder.

My cheeks blush in shame when I see the way Lukah and Dean are still in here.

"Couldn't we have talked about this alone?" I murmur, passing by him. 

Shutting the door behind me, a waterfall of incessant sobs cascades from my chest. I crumble down on my bed, and I cry until I run out of tears. It is physically impossible for my body to produce anymore—even my mouth feels dry.

So, I just stare blankly for a long time at a random spot on my wall.

Eventually, I decide to stand up and take a shower.

This is rock bottom. I think as I put together the last events of my life.

✔ A fictional character escapes from his own story because I took him on a date to make someone jealous.

✔ Oh! Wait, Lukah was not just Lukah but Lukah and Dean since they are twin brothers, and I am not entirely certain with whom I have flirted the most. The conclusion being that I flirted with both of them.

✔ My brother explicitly saying I always repeat cycles, I ruin all of his friendships, I should not date any of his friends and I need to grow up and get over myself.

✔ I was fired from my dream job and I will most probably never see again my fictional but rather awesome friends and the only friends that I currently have.

✔ My favorite fictional friends are real and they are trapped in their stories.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on the top...

✔My dad found out I am not attending university and he threw on my face that I am not honoring my late mother's memories by not doing so. Also, I'm pretty sure he doesn't get at all how my anxiety functions.

This has to be rock bottom.

It has to be.

My eyes are so sore and tired, even after the shower. I need to just stop feeling all of this sadness and fear. Fear from the past, fear from the future. I need to be free.

Why am I so afraid all of the time?

My phone on my bed lights up, so I get closer to see the notification.

It's Josh. He tagged me in a comment to a picture of his gathering.

📳 You coming, sunshine?

This is what I need.  I need to go out, have fun, and surround myself with people who do not gravitate around Raiden. I need my own real friends.

Changing into a pair of classic denim jeans, my black Vans, and an old Green Day t-shirt. Then, I put on a long creamy hue cardigan that brushes the back of my knees.

I open the cabinet door of my mirror to grab something to pull my hair up, and my fingers fumble over the different contents. Instead of finding a rubber band, I find the pills the doctor gave me after the accident.

Sertraline. Mood balancer. Antidepressant. Expiration date: 12/26.

I gulp a pill. There is no room for second thoughts. I'm about to take a second one, but then I realize that I won't feel better anytime soon. So, I store it back in. Only one will suffice—eventually, the effects will kick in.

Yes, I need medicine. I can't deal with this on my own. Once I feel better, I'll stop taking them.

God, it was so hard to stop taking them.

Sneaking out of my room, I hear muffled voices coming from Raiden's room. They must be studying.

I hear the TV on in my dad's room, so I walk on the tips of my toes. First, around the kitchen and then toward the door. 

I place my hand on the knob and-

"Where are you going?"

I gasp and my hand flies to my chest.

"Gosh, you scared me!"

Lukah approaches me, giving me a once-over—his brows furrowed and his green eyes scanning me up and down.

"Where are you going?" he repeats his question, towering over me.

He smells of leather and there's this faint cologne scent around him.

"To a sort of book club gathering. Josh invited me, now shut up and pretend you saw nothing." I start opening the door.

"Josh Gilbert?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't think you should go."

"Whatever, who are you? My brother?" I chuckle.

"Sun-"

I shut the door on his face before he talks me out of this. I need this. I need numbness. I need my mind to be quiet. I need a new setting.