⛔ Mental Health Warning

Brooding, Weird Usernames, Twin Crush, and ...

My legs are crossed, my butt on the floor, and my back is pressed against Raiden's car. All of my being is here waiting for my brother to come out from university, except for my heart. Yes. My heart couldn't make it out from that library.

Looking up to the sky, I search for answers.

Who knows when will they be able to be out of their stories again?

I can't believe my mom was like those authors. What if one of her books is inside that library?

And I just keep thinking, you know? How could I help them? How can I help Peeta, Katniss? Hardin? Is there a way to just help them escape or...change their story?

Although, I do know that I am in no position to help others escape when I am not able to escape from my own narrative. I'm such a hypocrite. I sigh, letting my face drop between my shoulders.

I'm still not going to university. I can't. I'm terrified of going through those doors. I know I'm not enough for the academic world. I will never be. And to think of the last time I was in there...it brings sheer anguish to me. Anguish too enourmous to be contained in my body. And I can barely drive...I'm always on the edge of a panic attack.

My whole life is limited, tied to the whims and wishes of my past and my anxiety.

And right now, I'm hiding. Hence, the fact that I'm sitting on the floor with my back against Raiden's car. My confidence is not as pent up as it was this morning when I chose this outfit. I look dreadful and I know it. And I don't want Lukah to see me like this. In fact, I don't want Lukah or Dean to see me, full stop. 

I was smart enough to bring sunglasses, so they shield me from making eye contact with the world—even though it's sunset and I look ridiculous wearing them when the sun is abandoning us.

"Hey!" A voice calls me, but I pretend not to listen.

Oh, God.  

"Are you Sunshine? No, wait...Sunset, right? Raiden's sister?"

Looking to my side, I peer over my glasses to see who this is.

"I was at Dean's birthday party, I'm Josh. We talked about that book we both read, and the book club at university. Remember me?" he asks, his eyes looking kind behind his glasses.

"Oh, right!" I stand up. "Yeah, how are you?" I ask, tucking my sunglasses over my head.

He shakes my hand as I notice the gray hoodie he's wearing and the ripped, blue jeans. 

"I'm good." He nods his head while a shy smile appears on his face. "And you?"

I purse my lips together. How do I answer that?

"Good, thank you." Let's not freak yet another guy out.

He smiles as we stand there, awkwardly staring at each other. 

Playing with the strap of his backpack, he smiles at me. "Um, I have to go. It was nice seeing you." He turns, leaving.

Standing there, and feeling like an idiot, I slide my sunglasses on again.

"You know? Actually..." he trails off, returning to me. "There's this party tonight." He scratches the back of his head. "Why don't you come? Your brother wouldn't mind, right?" He chuckles nervously. 

"Wait." I frown. "Are you friends with my brother?" I quiz him, dreading the answer. 

"Not at all." He crinkles his nose.

"Oh, great!" I cheer. "I mean, that's okay." I try to play it cool. God, I'm so lame. 

"It looks like you could use a break. It'll be fun," he offers. 

"Um, parties aren't really my thing. But thank you for offering, though." I blush, fearing that he may ask why.

"It's actually a small gathering. Some friends from the book club I told you about and some others from the fraternity house. Not a big thing at all," he emphasizes.

"Um, right. It- it sounds amazing," I able. "I'll try but I can't promise you anything. I'm not sure of my family's plans for tonight." Lame excuse.

"I'll send the address to your Instagram, in case you can come. You'll have some fun," Josh insists.

"You followed me on Instagram?" How come I didn't see that?

"Oh yeah, sorry my user name has nothing to do with my name, I'm "@vodka-straight."

i purse my lips, forcing myself not to laugh at him.

"I know." He nods his head. "I'll change it on my way home." He throws me a lopsided smile.

"Sister."

I look behind me and I see Raiden.

Always here to ruin my fun.

"Bye, Josh!" I say, turning to open the car door that my brother has just unlocked.

"See you!" he replies, walking backward so his eyes are still on me as I get into the car.

Raiden sighs, his hand turning the ignition on.

"What?" I bark.

"Nothing." He rubs his forehead. "I'll just try to ignore this because we have bigger issues..." he turns the car on. "Lukah and Dean are coming for dinner tonight. We have this assignment to do for University. Is that okay with you?"

You have got to be kidding me.

"I don't know, is that okay with you?" I ask back. He's the one that told me to stay away from them, and yet he brings them to my house.

"I don't have a choice. Just remember what we talked about," he warns me.

Like I could forget it.

I always repeat the same story. I need to grow up. I need to get over myself. I have ruined all of his friendships. I don't have friends. 

"Sure," I mumble.

🔸🔸🔸

The minute we get home, Dawn, my little sister, opens the door for us.

"I need you to take me to Olivia's house. It's an emergency." She clings to Raiden's neck, her feet are up in the air and Raiden grumbles. I take advantage of the situation to escape into the kitchen.

"I can't take you. I have to do something and Dean and Lukah will be here anytime soon, I'm sure Sunset could take you..." he trails off.

Stopping in my tracks, I slowly turn around. They stare at me, both pressing their  hands together in a pleading gesture. 

Raiden steps closer to me. "It's not that far. I'll be paying attention to my phone. If anything happens, you text me. This could be a good opportunity to fight this shit," he states. "Maybe you can change if you really try."

Maybe? I don't feel safe driving to be honest, but I'm so done with the walls and limitations my anxiety puts around me. I've to try.

"I'll be upstairs, sis. Let me know how it goes," Raiden claims, walking away and without leaving me a choice.

Dawn looks at me expectantly.

"You'll owe me, big time," I say because it's always good to make her feel like she owes me.

She claps her hands and grabs her backpack

I grab the car keys, my phone, and my bag—all with the same hand. My fingers carefully maneuver will all the items as Dawn opens the door for me. 

My car keys fall loudly on the floor. I kneel to grab them and my eyes lock with the four legs in front of me.

I stand up slowly until I am face to face with Dean. And Lukah.

"Damn."

I glare at Dawn.

They pretty much look the same to me. I take an extra second to check who is who.

"I'm Lukah," he scoffs.

I had just figured it out. But, whatever.

"This is awkward. Can we just leave?" Dawn interjects.

They both make way for us to go through.

"You driving?"

I hear Lukah asking.

Wait. Did he say that?

I look behind me to where they were. Dean is already inside the flat, so Lukah asked that.

"Will you be okay?" he asks, concerned.

My heart beats violently against my ribcage.

Dawn nudges me with her elbow because I haven't replied to him yet.

"Yeah, thank you." I swallow hard and I resume my walk. Dawn clutches my hand tightly.

"Oh my Gosh, oh my Gosh!" she cheers as she leaps next to me and I just press the elevator's button.

"Shhh!" I hush her with a smile tattooed on my face.

"Wait, so he knows you get kind of crazy when you drive?" Dawn asks impatiently.

I nod my head not even bothering to reprimand her when she calls me crazy.

"That's just so cute!" She beams at me.

After dropping Dawn at her friend's house, I focused my mind on driving one block at a time. That's what Sheila, my shrink advised me to do in the last video call we had. She said that I should train my mind on paying attention to one thing at a time, and in the present time. One block, one light, one turn at a time. One block, one light, one turn at a time. One block, one light, one turn at a time.

And I get home and hope is such a powerful feeling  Maybe I can change. Maybe my anxiety can be overcome. Feeling proud and emotional about my small victory, I try to find my dad to tell him.

Hearing voices in the dining room, I walk toward there. As I get in, I find my dad, Raiden, and the twins having dinner. 

The four of them stare at me. 

I take that back, I haven't overcome my anxiety.

"Sunset, darling. How did that go?" my dad asks. 

"It was okay." I smile. 

"I'm so proud of you, baby:" He smiles at me. "And this food is amazing. I don't get how you are able to cook when you also have to work and attend university," my dad praises me as he picks at a piece of the lasagna I made last night.

Raiden chokes on something and starts coughing.

I swallow hard as I take a seat next to him and across from the twins.

"This is amazing," Dean voices with his mouth full of food and I laugh, appreciating the distraction.

"You guys are here to do some work with Raiden I heard?" My dad as

"Yes," Lukah replies. "We've a couple of subjects in common."

My dad hums in reply since his mouth is busy munching the food.

"Mmm..." Dean sort of moans and swallows hard. "It's weird that I never saw you, Sunset, like inside university. I would've remembered. You're always in the parking lot-"

I kick Dean under the table.

"What?" he snaps.

I glare at him.

"I'm only in my first year," I state simply. 

"Can you pass me the salad?" Lukah asks.

I grab the bowl and give it to him. Our fingers brush, and a sparky feeling ignites on my skin. Our eyes lock for a second. Then, I realize that the salad was super closed to him. 

He has green eyes, they are so light they almost look grey. Dean's eyes are sky blue. And Lukah has a small mole under the right corner of his bottom lip.

"What is your favorite subject so far, sweety?" Dad asks, entertained with our conversation.

Crap.

"Mmm.. I- I... really liked the one that- Ummm that one about vitamins and nutritional value in different meals." I shove a big piece of lasagna into my mouth, to avoid speaking. 

I hate lying to my father.

"What's the name of the subject again?" My dad's brown eyes train on me.

"Dad. Umm, I..."

His phone beeps and I exhale in relief.

"I'm sorry I have to check this." He stands up and leaves the room.

"Could you please help me out?" I throw a crumpled napkin at Raiden who is at the opposite head of the table.

"You have to come clean of this, Sunset. He needs to know from you before he finds out through someone else," Raiden advises me.

"Wait, you're supposed to be going to university but you aren't going?" Dean sounds thrilled. "You're more like me than I had imagined."

"Just tell him," Lukah interjects.

"Could you both mind your own business?" I warn them.

"Sunset?" My dad is back.

"Yes?" I swallow the lump in my throat.

He steps into the kitchen. " I have just received an email with your marks for the preliminary tests. You were absent in all of your subjects. Can you explain this to me?"

"Dad..."