7.     THEODOSIA

You'll recall a few years back, when Percy and Theo were trapped in Daedalus's Labyrinth.

Lots happened on that quest—on the demigod side of things, of course, but also on the plain, mortal side: Percy brought Theo's ex on the trip, Theo accused him of having feelings for her, Percy accused Theo of having feelings for her. It was all very, very messy. A part of Theo's life which she had blocked out entirely out of self-respect.

Kelli was one of the only things she remembered from that battle in the Labyrinth—and how good a fighter she was. Despite those mismatched legs, she could move fast when she wanted to. She'd dodged Theo's dagger strikes and would have eaten her face if Percy hadn't stabbed her from behind.

Now she had four friends with her.

She bared her teeth at Percy. "I am just so glad you're both here! I totally remember you guys."

She touched her sternum where Percy's blade had swept right through her. Then she smiled—or whatever the empousa equivalent to smiling was—at Theo. "What's the matter, daughter of Apollo? Don't have your dagger? Bummer. I'd use it to kill you."

Theo tried to think, a bitter taste taking over her mouth. She and Percy stood shoulder to shoulder as they had many times before, ready to fight. But neither of them was in any shape for battle. Theo only had her bow—which, despite her skill with, was not good for close-range combat. She and Percy were hopelessly outnumbered. There was nowhere to run. No help coming.

Theo thought about the god's blessing that her aunt had placed on her all those years ago—Artemis's blessing of agility. Would that aura be enough to get Percy and Theo through this fight? She doubted it. It had hardly been enough to get her through Python's cavern.

Fighting was definitely not an option.

That left the thing Theo's arrogance usually provided for her: Trickery, talk, delay. Anything to stall these monsters while Percy thought of plans.

"So..." Theo said, kicking her good foot across the ground, all bashful-like. "I bet you ladies are wondering what demigods like Percy and I are doing in Tartarus, right—?"

"Not really," said Kelli, putting a hand on her hip. "I just want to kill you."

That would've been it, but then Theo blurted: "If you kill us, you'll have no idea what's going on in the mortal world."

The empousai hesitated, and Percy jumped on his chance. "That'd be a real shame."

"We know enough," snarled Kelli, crouching out of reach from Percy's sword. "Gaea has spoken."

"You're heading towards a major defeat." Theo tried to hide her shock at how confident she sounded. She glanced at all the empousai one by one, then pointed an accusing finger at Kelli. "This one claims she's leading you to a victory. She's lying. The last time she was in the mortal world, Kelli was in charge of keeping our friend Luke Castellan faithful to Kronos. In the end, Luke rejected him. He gave his life to expel Kronos. The Titans lost because Kelli failed. Now Kelli wants to lead you to another disaster."

The other empousai muttered and shifted uneasily.

"Enough!" Kelli's fingernails grew into long black talons. She glared at Theo as if imagining her sliced into small pieces.

Theo was pretty sure Kelli had had a thing for Luke Castellan. Luke had that effect on girls—even donkey-legged vampires—and now Theo wasn't sure bringing up his name was such a good idea.

"The girl lies," Kelli said. "So the Titans lost. Fine! That was part of the plan to wake Gaea! Now the Earth Mother and her giants will destroy the mortal world, and we will totally feast on demigods!"

The other vampires gnashed their teeth in a frenzy of excitement. Theo had seen scary things before, but she was pretty sure very few of them compared to empousai preparing to feed. She readied herself to attack, but how many could she dispatch before they overwhelmed her? It wouldn't be enough.

"The demigods have united!" Theo announced. "You'd better think twice before you attack us. Romans and Greeks will fight you together. You don't stand a chance!"

What she didn't say out loud: She was hoping the demigods had united. Otherwise she'd beaten a statue to demolition for nothing.

The empousai backed up nervously, hissing, "Romans."

Theo guessed they'd had experience with the Twelfth Legion before and it hadn't worked out well for them.

"Yeah, you bet Romans." Percy bared his forearm and showed them the brand he'd got at Camp Jupiter—the SPQR mark, with the trident of Neptune. "You mix Greek and Roman, and you know what you get? You get BAM!"

He stomped his foot, and the empousai scrambled back. One fell off the boulder where she'd been perched. Percy jerked his chin arrogantly, but the vampires recovered quickly.

"Bold talk," Kelli said, "for two demigods lost in Tartarus. Lower your sword, Percy Jackson, and I'll kill you quickly. Believe me, there are worse ways to die down here."

"Wait!" Theo tried again. "Aren't empousai the servants of Hecate?"

Kelli curled her lip. "So?"

"So Hecate is on our side," Theo said, a rush of adrenaline fueling her words. "She has a cabin at Camp Half-Blood now. Some of her demigod children are my friends. If you fight us, she'll be angry."

Percy looked at Theo like he wanted to hug her, but she kept her fiery glare on Kelli to let the vampire know she wasn't playing around.

One of the other empousai growled. "Is this true, Kelli? Has our mistress made peace with Olympus?"

"Shut up, Serephone!" Kelli screeched. "Gods, you're annoying!"

"I will not cross the Dark Lady."

As a daughter of the most proud god of them all, Theo knew how to recognize wounded pride. She took the opening. "You'd all be better following Serephone. She's older and wiser."

"Yes!" Serephone shrieked. "Follow me!"

Kelli struck so fast, Theo didn't have the chance to raise her bow. Fortunately, she didn't attack the demigods. Kelli lashed out at Serephone. For half a second, the two demons were a blur of slashing claws and fangs.

Then it was over. Kelli stood triumphant over a pile of dust. From her claws hung the tattered remains of Serephone's dress.

"Any more issues?" Kelli snapped at her sisters. "Hecate is the goddess of the Mist! Her ways are mysterious. Who knows which side she truly favours? She is also the goddess of the crossroads, and she expects us to make our own choices. I choose the path that will bring us the most demigod blood! I choose Gaea!"

Her friends hissed in approval.

Theo's blood ran cold. She glanced to Percy. No more tactics to stall the empousai further struck her—no more last chances. Theo had run out. She'd failed Percy again. She knew what was coming next.

"For two years I churned in the void," Kelli said. "Do you know how completely annoying it is to be vaporized, Theodosia Scott? Slowly re-forming, fully conscious, in searing pain for months and years as your body regrows, then finally breaking the crust of this hellish place and clawing your way back to daylight? All because some little boy stabbed you in the back?'

Her baleful eyes held Theo's. "I wonder what happens if a demigod is killed in Tartarus. I doubt it's ever happened before. Let's find out."

She lunged on Theo so quickly that Theo didn't have time to ready herself for a counter-attack, and instead she rolled out of the way, stifling a scream as her foot twisted on the rough Tartarus ground.

But Kelli wasn't deterred; she let out a demonic screech and pounced again. Theo had her arrow ready this time, and she arced it toward Kelli, but the vampire was quick; she swerved to the side, the arrow flying back and slicing clean through one of her friends who had turned on Percy. The other empousa exploded in a yellow cloud.

Percy was surrounded. Theo only got a little glimpse of him before Kelli was back on her, and Theo hadn't gotten to her feet quickly enough.

"I've totally been dreaming about this," Kelli said, advancing on Theo's collapsed figure.

"That's so cool that you dream of me," said Theo, panting, pulling a random arrow from her quiver and nocking it. "I haven't given you a single thought since my boyfriend killed you."

Before Kelli could do anything else than scoff, offended, Theo let the arrow fly—it didn't hit Kelli, like Theo had planned, because the empousa ducked to the side again. The tip of the arrow embedded itself in the ground less than a foot to Kelli's left.

She glanced at it, then laughed. "Oh, my gods. You totally lost your skill, didn't you? Washed-up loser—"

Her words cut off into a strangled scream as a purple goo erupted from the tip of the discarded arrow—magenta matter poofed up like foam and rolled over Kelli's monstrous feet. She screamed, kicking it off, but that only angered the stuff more.

Theo stared at the goo with wide eyes, then glanced over her shoulder at her quiver. This thing was still loaded with trick arrows? How hadn't she realized that?

Well, it wasn't as though she'd ever tried stopping Python with tear gas. Though now that she knew she had it at her disposal, she wished she'd tried.

Kelli's friends turned around at the sound of her screams, taking their attention off Percy only momentarily. They watched as Theo crouched and picked up a handful of gravel, flinging it into Kelli's eyes, earning a furious roar from the vampire.

One of Percy's empousai seized her moment. Theo glanced over, letting out a shout to try and alert him, but he turned at the last second—the empousa jumped on his back like she wanted a piggyback ride. Percy cried out, the claws of the vampire sinking into his shoulders.

Theo made a move to go help him, but Kelli had recuperated from her putty-gravel combo attack. She swiped at Theo and her talons raked down her forearm. Theo screamed in pain; she'd struck her right arm. Her shooting arm. It burned as horribly as if the sun itself was touching Theo's arm—and she would know.

Vaguely, Theo noticed Percy stumbling in her direction, feet tangled in the discarded purple goo, but the vampire on his back sunk her teeth into his neck. His knees buckled and his face contorted in pain.

"Percy!" Theo yelled, her voice shaking. She struggled to get past Kelli and help him, but it was easier said than done. She tried to fire an arrow but her arm shook so badly from the pain that she couldn't even nock it.

This was it. Percy had fallen to his knees, surrounded by the rest of the empousa. Kelli swiped at Theo and knocked her to the ground, thin strips of blood appearing on Theo's cheek where Kelli had struck. They had lost. There wasn't anything else they could do.

Then a shadow fell across Theo. A deep war cry bellowed from somewhere above, echoing across the plains of Tartarus, and a Titan dropped onto the battlefield.

At first, Theo thought she was hallucinating. She'd heard that could happen before death. And imagining a Titan appearing in the middle of a battle between Percy, Theo, and a bunch of demon vampire ladies was exactly the kind of thing Theo thought her mind would do to her.

But that was exactly what happened. The Titan was ten feet tall, with wild silver Einstein hair, pure silver eyes and muscular arms protruding from a ripped-up blue janitor's uniform. In his hand was a massive push broom. His name tag, incredibly, read BOB.

Theo's head whipped toward Percy. She mouthed, "Bob?"

He nodded, looking star struck, but the giant janitor wasn't interested in him. He turned to the two remaining empousai, who stood over Percy.

One was foolish enough to attack. She lunged with the speed of a tiger, but she never stood a chance. A spearhead jutted from the end of Bob's broom. With a single deadly swipe, he cut her to dust. The last vampire tried to run. Bob threw his broom like a massive boomerang (was there such a thing as a broomerang?). It sliced through the vampire and returned to Bob's hand.

"SWEEP!" The Titan grinned with delight and did a victory dance. "Sweep, sweep, sweep!"

Theo couldn't speak. She couldn't bring herself to believe that something good had actually happened. Percy looked just as shocked.

Theo cradled her injured arm and ignored the blood dripping down her cheek. Right now, other things had her attention. "H–how...?"

"Percy called me!" Bob the janitor said happily. "Yes, he did."

Theo crawled a little further away. "Called you? He—wait. What?"

The janitor frowned when he noticed Theo's wounds. "Owie."

Theo tried not to flinch as he knelt next to her.

"It's okay," Percy said, still looking woozy with pain. "He's friendly."

Theo watched, curious (and still a little terrified), as Bob reached out to her arm. She nodded permission. Oddly enough, as soon as the janitor tapped Theo's forearm, it mended instantly. The Titan's hands were surprisingly warm and gentle.

Bob chuckled, pleased with himself, then bounded over to Percy and healed his bleeding neck and arm.

"All better!" Bob declared, his eerie silver eyes crinkling with pleasure. "I am Bob, Percy's friend!"

"Uh ... yeah," Percy managed. "Thanks for the help, Bob. It's really good to see you again. But it's not all better yet—see Theo's foot? Can you fix that, too?"

Theo twisted her foot for effect, letting the Titan's eyes fall on the wound. His gaze widened comically. He nodded slowly, then extended a careful hand to her foot. As soon as his fingertips touched it, Theo's body caved in on itself with relief, a sigh expelling from her lips. Her toes curled and uncurled just because she had the ability to. She'd forgotten what it was like to exist without constant pain.

"Thank you," she told the Titan. She even offered him a smile. "My name is Theo. It's nice to meet you. You're... Bob?"

"Yes!" the janitor agreed. "Bob. That's me. Bob, Bob, Bob." He shuffled around, obviously pleased with his name. "I am helping. I heard my name. Upstairs in Hades's palace, nobody calls for Bob unless there is a mess. Bob, sweep up these bones. Bob, mop up these tortured souls. Bob, a zombie exploded in the dining room."

Theo's gaze traveled to Percy. She tilted her head curiously. He looked just as puzzled as her.

"Then I heard my friend call!" The Titan beamed. "Percy said, Bob!"

He grabbed Percy's arm and hoisted him to his feet.

"That's awesome," Percy said. "Seriously. But how did you—"

"Oh, time to talk later." Bob's expression turned serious. "We must go before they find you. They are coming. Yes, indeed."

"They?" Theo asked. She scanned the horizon. She saw no approaching monsters—nothing but the stark grey wasteland.

"Yes," Bob agreed. "But Bob knows a way. Come on, friends! We will have fun!"

Theo didn't doubt that.

VIA CHATTER LALALA

Anyone else never read the demigod diaries :/ :/ :/ :/ Anyone else get to this part in House of Hades and wonder who the hell Bob was :/ :/ :/ :/

Anyway welcome Bob the skrunkly to Pertheo's adventure in Tartarus. Everyone strap in and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times lalalala

flayedcrank I love you