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Lilja sits on a chair beside Suri, slumped over onto the bed, her back curved at an awkward angle. My fingers tighten around the door-frame and I force myself to let go before I splinter the wood.

I take a step forward, but hesitate. I don't have the right to disturb her. I don't have the right to be in this room and comfort her when I'm the cause of her pain.

Sucking in air through my teeth, I drag myself towards the window, keeping away from the bed. I stand in the sunlight, peering out into the courtyard below.

I'll leave tonight, embark on my mission to Sharlikire, and leave these girls in peace. They deserve peace after what I put them through.

"Azura."

I glance up at the husky voice, expecting to meet Lilja's eyes. But I instead meet Suri's.

My heart leaps into my throat and everything within me stills as I stare at her. For a moment I think I'm dreaming, that those emerald eyes are a figment of my tormented mind. Then a pained moan leaves her lips and I'm moving.

I step out of the room and call down the hall for the healers that are never too far. One of them comes running, a short man with a bulging stomach and spectacles perched on the edge of his nose.

"She's awake," I tell him, moving out of his way as he rushes into the room to Suri's side. I follow him, my teeth worrying my lower lip.

"Suri." Her name is choked from my lips and it's almost painful. Suri's hand slides across the bedsheet, reaching for me, and I grab it, intertwining our fingers.

Lilja jerks awake then and sits up with a yawn. But then she freezes, her gaze on Suri.

"Suri!" she shouts, touching her sister's cheek.

Suri manages a small smile as she looks up at Lilja. "Hi."

"Oh, thank the gods," she whimpers, pressing her forehead to Suri's.

The healer brushes her away with a mumble and continues fussing over Suri.

A smile stretches my lips as I watch them, hope and happiness welling in my chest, filling up that wretched hollowness.

Remember what you did.

My smile fades at the rough voice in my ears, scratching and grating louder than the soft laughter of the girls before me as the healer gives Suri water and Lilja smooths her short hair.

I watch my gloved hand slip from Suri's as I take a step back, distancing myself.

Harden your heart. Cut out the weakness.

I look between them as Lilja sits on the edge of the bed and smiles up at me.

Get it done.

"May we have a moment?" I ask the healer and he glances at me, adjusting his glasses before he nods.

"Certainly. I'll be back with food for her."

I thank him and he leaves, the door clicking shut behind him and trapping me in here with this task I have to somehow get through. "There are some things I need to tell you," I say, that emotionless voice back, like my heart isn't once again breaking.

This is for them.

"What is it?" Lilja asks, her fingers squeezing Suri's hand.

So, I tell them. I tell them everything. I tell them I killed the emperor and that's the reason I was in the Order. I tell them about my mark and the flame in my veins. I tell them about the gods and the war and the lies of Palmira and Erasmus. I lay it all before them, letting them do with it what they wish.

And then I stop because the words won't come out.

Suri has tears in her eyes. Lilja has a hand pressed over her mouth. And I can't speak as I stare at the sygils on Suri's wrist, on Lilja's wrist, stare at the one sygil that's no longer alight.

It's Suri who breaks the silence. "Palmira killed him," she gasps.

It's not a question, but I still nod in answer, unable to meet her eye as I see the blood on the marble.

Suri's cry will echo in my ears forever. The broken noise of someone who just keeps losing, who can't escape the agony. Everything within me tells me to go to her, to hold her, to soothe her. Everything, except for him.

The next time you fail might just kill her.

My brother is right. I can't risk it, so I don't go to her. I watch them mourn and keep my distance.

"I'll be leaving soon. Head Master Rashida has a mission for me."

"What?" Lilja asks. "You can't go. Suri's just awoken."

"You can't tell anyone the things I just told you," I continue, my gaze lowering to my black boots and staying there.

"Where are you going?" Suri questions, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"There are things that need to be done."

"Are you going to find the truth?"

I blink at Suri's question and meet her eye. "What truth?"

"The truth about who you are, where you came from, what those marks are."

"I know what they are," I tell her. "They were made to kill gods."

"But who gave them to you?"

"That doesn't matter," I reply, remembering my brother's teachings. My past isn't important. Moving forward is. Undoing the things Palmira has done is important.

"Azura," Suri says, her voice becoming stronger. "Look at me, Azura."

I do. I swallow and stare into her emerald eyes, shining with wetness.

"You're more, you're so much more. I realised that the first moment I saw you. But you need to find out why."

"No, I—"

"You have origins, Azura," she cuts me off, a crease between her brows, her features hardening. "You have this power within you that you need to find the answers to. Before Palmira does, because she'll use them against you."

I close my eyes for a moment, wanting to deny her. But her words are true. Palmira, my brother, even Emperor Ulric and Captain Vasio all knew things about me that I had no idea about. It won't do for my enemies to know more about me than I. It's dangerous, just another thing they can hold against me as they did with the people I love.

I let out a breath. "Fine. I know of a place I can start." I think of Yetok, where my brother found me. I think of the burning village and the ash on my clothes. Jadira's flowers and herbs.

"Then do your mission for Rashida and go there."

I gaze at Suri, sweat glistening on her brown skin. "I won't let everything that happened be repeated," I promise her.

"None of it was your fault, Azura."

A muscle in my jaw tightens and I flex my fingers as I nod, knowing that her words aren't true. "I should be going." I turn away from them and make my retreat from that room once again. It's no easier this time, not with Suri's gaze piercing into my back.

Don't look back.

I do as my brother says and keep my eyes forward.

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The clothes left out for me are black. Black trousers that are thick and warm. Black under-layers that are soft and comfortable, and a black sweater. And I know that Lilja picked them out.

My gloved fingers clench in the materials as I close my eyes. The hurt is familiar now, this clawing hollowness within me. It's not comforting and vibrant like the pain of a blade. It's cold and it aches and nothing will ease it. But I have to endure it, for their sake.

I don the clothes, forcing myself to push through it. It'll be easy once I'm away from Wymler, once I'm away from them. At least, that's what I keep telling myself as I pack and prepare for the journey ahead.

It'll be easier the further away I am from Suri and Lilja and the reminders of the things I caused.

With my dagger tucked into my belt, I throw on a brown coat, fur-lined and warm. Then grab my pack and sling it over my shoulder before leaving the room.

I walk the quiet halls, candles alight to chase away the darkness of the night. I barely notice my surroundings as I move, eager to escape this place and the guilt that weighs me down like I'm a stone sinking into water. I wonder if there's a bottom, or if I'll just keep sinking further into darkness.

I grip the strap of my pack over my shoulder as I descend the steps to a courtyard. The dark horse from Erasmus tosses his head, a stable-girl attempting to finish the braiding in the horse's mane. I thank her as I hitch my pack onto the saddle.

"Azura!"

I close my eyes for a moment before turning to face Lilja as she rushes down the stone steps towards me, her arms wrapped around herself against the biting breeze of the night.

I'd hoped to leave without another confrontation with her, but things rarely go the way I plan.

"You're leaving already?" she asks, standing before me and shuffling.

"I don't have the luxury to wait."

"But Suri is awake."

I press my lips together and glance away from her, unable to continue seeing the hurt in her eyes. I don't reply, there's nothing I can say that'll make this situation any better.

"She may not walk again," Lilja says and that brings my gaze back to her.

"What?" I question.

"Suri," Lilja continues, staring at her shoes. "She may never walk again. It was a miracle the injury to her spine didn't kill her."

The words hit me like a blow to the face and I can't seem to force any words past my lips.

She might not walk again.

Colour drains from my face as sickness churns in my gut.

I did this.

I turn and drag myself into the saddle.

"Azura—" Lilja starts, her eyes widening as I grip the reins and direct the horse around.

I need to get away. I need to leave. My chest tightens—squeezes—and I can't seem to draw breath. Sinking faster. Drowning faster.

"Look after yourself. Look after her," I manage to choke out before nudging the horse forward to tear out of that courtyard like I can escape the guilt tearing at my insides.

Lilja calls after me, desperation in her voice, but she's better off without me. They all are. All I do is get people killed or ruin their lives beyond repair. The only mercy I can offer them is by leaving.