110: Rafe

I had felt nostalgic for the first few days. As I showered, I pictured Aubrey--- her innocent confusion and wonder. It was the most refreshing and adorable thing that had happened to me in so long. Those first few green room experiences with her, so childishly wholesome, so startled by every nuance of sexuality, of eroticism. There was a lot. You could wring it out of the air like a wet towel. I wished she were here. I loved that feeling of never being separated. Just a few days ago, we'd not been separated. We were just us--- no others. No security people, no family members, no others of any kind. No one knew about us, except us. I wished for those moments.

Now there was concern underlying it all.

There was expectation as well. I felt it acutely.

I dressed in slacks and a yellow button down open at the neck. This venue had provided private dressing rooms, I wished I had thought to have Aubrey brought back to me, but Holli had informed me, with that smart ass little look of triumph she never failed to fling at me, that Aubrey had gone back to the hotel.

I still had to talk to a few people.

That word, fling, stuck in my head. That's what Holli had been--- a fling. I'd had her for a week--- years ago--- and caught her in bed with another guy. I wrote a song about it, and I sang it just about every concert, for all the guys that got screwed over like I did. By conniving little social climbers. I took especial pleasure seeing that Holli was threatened by Aubrey.

We used the vans to get back to the hotel, and now there were fans outside waiting for pics and autographs. I took pity on them, but honestly, if the truth was known, I am not one of those guys. I do have some crowd phobia, and some social anxiety that way. Meeting strangers can be traumatic for me. Especially when they follow me everywhere and don't respect my privacy.

And---- tonight there was Aubrey.

I just wanted to get back to her. I wanted to sleep in a real bed with her again. I wanted to feel her near.

It was midnight. There was a fire out on the beach and a few people were sitting in folding beach chairs out there. I could see in the flickering light--- Kell for sure. I hoped Aubrey was in bed, but when I shed the dress clothes in the bed room, I found she was otherwise engaged. I looked out there, and only counted a few people. I rightly guessed that there was another party either in the bar--- or out by the buses--- where they were drinking up a storm. Out here, where nobody would be drinking was a whole new ball of wax.

Gees.

To quote my baby girl.

Gees.

I am now one of these guys.

I felt this weird sensation inside. It crept up unawares as I slipped into shorts and a t-shirt. I stared into the mirror in the semi-darkness. I used to identify with the party guys. I was wild, I was uncivilized, untamed. Then I started changing my persona--- I was tired of the whole deeply uncaring party scene. I didn't want to be like that. Too selfish and limiting.

Over the last few years I had changed. I chalked part of it up to age. It's just a matter of maturing, getting a little experience of the world, and seeing something that really does matter. I wasn't a party guy anymore. If I partied it was with a very few certain friends, at my own club, or at home. I drank. I smoked a little weed to relax, and I liked to dance and make love, watch a little porn if necessary--- it wasn't always even a big deal.

I looked out on the beach. Pretty sure those guys did not do any of those things.

Pretty sure the guy I had been couldn't give his wife a priesthood blessing and heal her and give her comfort and complete security. The old guy would always give her a little insecurity, a little more selfishness---

That had to go. Selfishness was not who and what I wanted to be.

But was I ready to give it all up?

It was one thing to desire change. To make a few changes on my own. Kind of another thing to have a set of rules that had to be followed. Period. I felt restricted already.

But Aubrey and I had fun together. I loved hiking with her, sailing with her--- I shook myself--- wasn't that worth it? I loved doing those things, sharing those things. I loved watching her bike up a mountain trail. I loved dancing with her--- those funny beginning awkward moves of hers--- teaching her things. Listening as she taught me things.

What exactly was I giving up?

I went out on the beach, the cool sand felt so good on my sore feet. I felt old. I may have just made half a million dollars for us, but I felt it. I felt tired.

Aubrey was sitting close to Tecca. Ben, Jeff, Kell and Jeremy were scattered around, not too close. I had room to slide in beside her and as she laughed and talked exuberantly, she--- I don't quite know how to describe it, but she opened up her space and contained me. She was infinitely aware of me, but in a way I found so encompassing--- so intrinsic. She simply became part of me.

I pressed my leg to hers, and she leaned into my side, still talking, still concentrating on what someone else was saying, still focused... and yet the awareness was a physical thing. The firelight flickered off her animated face, and I couldn't see the swelling, the bruises. All I could see was her halo. And she always had one.

Her hand brushed my arm--- then my leg, it dropped onto my leg, and when she laughed I was part of that laugh. Her hair was alive too--- wisping around me comfortably, wrapping and unwrapping. I felt the breezes, the air particles whirling around us, seeking pleasure from alighting on our skin, pulled by our gravity. Water sprites bequeathed their honor on us. It felt ageless, and priceless, and deeply rooted in the mysticism of woman, and being connected to one.

And all I did was sit there.

The moment passed, and the wonder settled on me endlessly.

"Now that you are here, my boy, I will answer Aubrey's question." Kell said with a magnanimous flourish.

"It might be Rafe's bedtime." Ben warned, and in the firelight I saw his eyes flicker to me. He wasn't aware--- and neither was I--- of Aubrey's question. But I instantly wanted to know what it was. I did not feel any anxiety coming off Aubrey. So, she'd been waiting for this.

"My question to Kell was this: it's a little personal guys, and a little religious, so if you're not interested, now's your chance to get away." Nobody moved, although Jeremy changed position and reached for a can at his side. I scrutinized it as the fire flickered over it, and discovered it was not alcoholic. There was a certain amount of relief—and also that funny feeling of being included in a group I wasn't used to being included in. Non-drinkers.

"Go on." Jeff said softly, also taking a swig from a can. I guess they saw me looking at them, and an ice chest nearby produced several cans of soda and vitamin water. Someone passed me a bottle.

"Well, he and Maille married outside of the temple. Are you sure you want to hear this? It's kind of personal."

"Do you want us to leave? Cause we don't want to leave." Ben said.

"No, whatever. It's just more of a family personal question."

"Just spit it out, girl." Jeremy laughed.

"I asked if Kell thought he could have waited for the temple if Maille had said no to a civil wedding first."

Everybody processed this, with their differing levels of understanding. I was interested to know this answer, more interested than anyone else here, and I knew why Aubrey had asked him. It was completely relevant to our situation.

Kell took a deep breath and sucked in his lips. "I didn't answer Aubrey when she asked to give myself time to form an answer. And actually I'm glad that Tecca is here to share his perspective as well. You can make a better informed decision from listening to both of our experiences."

This wasn't the kind of conversation everyone was able to participate in. But there were three inactive members of the church who were also members of the entertainment industry, who were looking at these two actors with curiosity. Kind of a how do you manage it? And do you make any money, not catering to what the industry demands?

"I fell in love with Maille. She wanted to be married in the temple, but I was not a member of the church. Even if I had been baptized the day we met it would have been a year until we could be married. Frankly, I wasn't sure a girl as beautiful and available as she was, would have waited around for me. I kidnapped her one night, took her to Vegas and married her in one of those stupid little wedding chapels. We didn't consummate this marriage, intending to wait, but I wasn't sure I could wait. It wasn't in my genetic make-up. I was and had been all my life, very promiscuous, and saw nothing out of the ordinary in multiple partners, and so forth. I'm sure some of you are familiar with the lifestyle."

I grunted. I was very familiar with it. More than anyone else, this talk was for my benefit. Although it was helpful to know that he too had had to make this decision. I looked over at Ben whose face was toward the sand in front of him, the firelight danced off his hairy legs. The ocean breeze blew smoke toward him and waved his blonde hair away from his face. I glanced at Jeff--- he'd been married the longest and his wife was a member of the church. Neither of them were active, but I assume they were both monogamous. I didn't know about Jeremy.

"So, in your church, being married in a temple, is somehow different than another wedding? What is a civil wedding? What's the difference in being married in Vegas?" Jeremy wanted to know.

I raised my hand. "Let me see if I understand it. Stop me if I'm wrong. So, a civil wedding to a Mormon is any wedding outside of the temple. And it carries the simple words, till death do us part. It can't help but be a legal and binding contract, for the duration of one's natural life here on earth. Some people feel when they are married they will be together forever, but Mormon's don't believe that unless their marriage is in the Temple, a special place, not like a chapel, or a justice of the peace. Inside the temples, someone who has the authority to seal a couple for time and all eternity performs the wedding."

"Authority?" Ben asked. "Like they went to school? I thought all the callings in the church are voluntary and there's no training to be a Bishop and stuff."

Tecca laughed gently. "Training from the Lord comes in different ways. It doesn't mean you go to college to become a Bishop, that's true. But if the Lord wants or needs you to be a Bishop, he will personally train you, and it will be your choice to accept or not. Things happen in your life that cause you to gain a testimony, and with it personalized training."

I nodded. I think I was getting some of that. These were the warnings I'd had lately and the blessings I'd seen performed and the priesthood I'd seen in action. But I didn't want to be a Bishop.

"It isn't necessarily that kind of training." Kell said. "The authority from God was given to man on earth to act in His name, to do what He would do if He were physically here. It is called the priesthood, and uses of it are prescribed by rank and calling. And---." He held up his hand as Ben took a deep breath to ask more questions. "I would love to talk with you privately another time about these thoughts."

Ben sat back down. "I have a lot of questions."

Kell nodded. "However, Rafe explained it perfectly. Temple weddings are different than civil weddings in their duration, and how they are performed. According to scripture, the power to seal up on earth and in heaven is reserved for those to whom the Lord himself has given it. People who take it upon themselves to perform such ceremonies and claim they have effect after this life, are fooling themselves. They can't guarantee anything will happen at all after this life. They have no power, and no ability and no authority to say such things."

"What if they go to theological school to learn how it's done?" Jeremy insisted.

Kell shrugged. "They do not hold the keys of the priesthood. There is but one on earth at a time who holds said keys. One prophet who acts for and in behalf of God, and he alone can bestow such rights on another. No amount of schooling can give this to you. It is not dependent on education." He held up his hand again. "But--- my friends--- we digress, and Aubrey has asked a simple question. The answer my dear is unclear. I do not think I could have at that time in my life been such a gentleman and waited celibate for over a year. Knowing what I know now, I wish had had more self-restraint. I wish I could have waited. However, each husband and wife union is tailor made for the couple, and only you two in conjunction with God himself can decide what is best for your family. You must pray to know that answer for yourself." He warded off a few questions he saw brewing. "There is the matter of research though, and I heartily agree that you can make better informed decisions if you do some homework."

"And how does one do homework about this subject?" Aubrey said, and I detected a little pout in her voice. I think she may have wanted him to tell her what to do.

"Just what you are doing. Gathering information from those who have been there before you."

"And you think that you couldn't have waited?" I asked bluntly.

Kell's eyes pierced my very soul. "I was not a member of the church. I hadn't been raised with any church, any obligations, nor any guidance. I was autonomous, at that time, I was master of my own destiny."

"And are you no longer the master of your own destiny?" I was shocked. He acted like he no longer had any freedom to choose. I was about to pounce all over that one.

But he smiled serenely, "I have since become a member of an organized religion that holds the keys and authority from God to act on this earth in His name, I chose to become a member, and I chose to give my service to my master, Jesus Christ. In doing so, I have gained the ultimate freedom. I am beholden to no man. I am only beholden to God."

I am not sure I understood what he meant, but I understood that his words were full of absolute assurance. "Kell, you say you were promiscuous before you met Maille. You say your lifestyle was similar to what you know of mine. Maybe so. And did you have to go through a repentance process in order to be baptized? And did you have to wait a year?"

"Yes, yes, and yes." He said instantly. His eyes fairly glowed, and I felt Aubrey's head falling heavily to my shoulder, so I scooted to make her more comfortable. I knew she'd been tired.

"I had committed many sins. Promiscuity was only one of the many things. Repentance was also a thing tailored by God just for me. Through my Bishop I was able to decide what needed tweaking in my life, and how I would go about it. I met with my Bishop for several months and determined attitude--- it is all about attitude and commitment--- and we two decided when I was ready to be baptized."

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Author's Note: To AlwaysFair21---- my vote storm girl, who reads every day ---- and is still reading---- amazing to me. Thanks for sticking to it. It gives me lots of encouragement!