Sorry about the dramatic title, but this is gonna be a bit of a touchy subject.

I have hidden a thing or two from you guys, I'll admit. You know I tell you guys when I get into a depression and I don't update for the next day and a half, but there have been times where I have written something in a depressed mood and haven't said a word. There have been times recently when I felt like jumping off the balcony of the house we live at now and haven't said anything because I don't wanna freak you guys out or trigger any of you.

Simply put, I detest myself. I don't wanna be me. I have said that to my dad and his gf, however they have said the same thing; 'well you can't be anyone else because everyone else is taken'.

That's not what I fucking mean when I say that.

What's really beginning to scare me, myself, is that I have literally contemplated on searching up how to tie a noose using clothes. I feel like I'm stepping closer and closer to a metaphorical cliff, but then again, there are also plenty of things that I want to do, but then I also feel like completely shutting myself down and becoming numb.

I completely hate myself for saying this, for even thinking this, but on some level I relate to what Jonghyun was feeling, and that's what made it that much worse for me, personally, hearing about his death, and now I keep thinking that I'm heading down that same path even if I don't exactly want to.

I'm beginning to learn to clean my room and do my washing and little things like that but I keep being told that it's not enough. I never feel like I'm good enough anyway, but a simple 'you did well' would be fucking nice.

Will I only hear those words when I'm dead? I don't want that to be the case, I really don't...