Chapter 17

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

At that moment, it felt like it was the right choice. It was the choice that could benefit the both of us. . .but for the long run, I knew that it would be detrimental for me.

Umiling-iling ako. "Hindi po gano'n ang gusto ko."

Sir Echo laughed hysterically, lumingon siya kay Sir Pablo Bello na mukhang nagulat sa naging sagot ko. I glanced at him and shook my head. I won't hand over the rights of my story, not like this.

"Your students are indeed dreamers, aren't they?" Halakhak ni Sir Echo. "I told you, this case wasn't negotiable. Hindi papayag ang isang tulad n'ya sa kundisyon natin."

Natin? Sir Pablo Bello knew about it?

"It's unfair po," matapang kong sabi. "I haven't seen the contract yet but the conditions. . .are too much. All I want is to be acknowledged as the writer of the script. Yun lang naman po."

"And you think people would care about it?" bumaling ng tingin si Sir Echo sa akin. "Bukod sa credit scenes, saan pa ba nilalagay ang pangalan ng writer? Sa poster? O tapos, ano na? Goodness, you're too gullible to think that people would actually care for the writer of the movie. Newsflash, dear! Walang may pakialam! Our offer stands still; kung uunahin mo maging tanga at pakawalan ang offer na ito. . .I feel bad for you."

Parang piniraso ang puso ko sa narinig. I don't need them to trample on my written work like this. As my last ounce of respect, ako na ang naunang tumayo at bahagyang yumuko bago tuluyang umalis.

Habang naglalakad sa hallway ng mismong TV Station ay hinabol ako ni Sir Pablo Bello. His face had a look of panic and fear which I didn't understand at first. Hindi ko alam bakit siya natatakot, at kanino? Kay Sir Echo? O sa akin?

"Nacia," he sighed as he grabbed my arm. "Pag-isipan mo ulit ang offer."

"Hindi na po," sagot ko sa kan'ya at bahagyang umiling. "Hindi ko po ibibigay ang script sa gano'ng paraan. Ni katiting na respeto sa akin, bilang manunulat, ay wala akong nakuha sa usapan na 'yon."

"Your script will be turned into a movie, you'll get paid, and you'll get more exposure once the movie becomes a hit. Ano ba ang nagiging rason bakit ayaw mong pumayag?"

"How will I get exposure if I won't be acknowledged as its writer?" tanong ko sa kan'ya, hindi mapigilan ang pagtaas ng boses.

I don't want to write for others; I want to write for myself. I respect the hustle of some writers but this is what makes me a writer. . .I own my writing, they are remnants of how I live and fragments of my existence.

Napabuntonghinga si Sir Pablo Bello. "Some writers can be ghost writers, Nacia. Walang masama roon."

"Totoo naman po," sagot ko at tumingin sa kan'yang mga mata. "Pero ayoko nga po na magsusulat ako pero ibang tao ang kikilalanin bilang manunulat nito. That's what I owe to myself."

I've been way harsh to myself as I started to choose this path. When I ventured into my passion, there were times that I've filled myself with fear and doubt. May mga oras na pinapangunahan ako ng katotohanan na baka walang mararating ang pag-pursue ko nito. Kaya gusto ko na kung ano ang pinaghirapan ko, ako rin mismo ang makakakuha ng gantimpala nito. 

Tumango-tango si Sir Pablo Bello at malungkot na ngumiti. "I understand, Nacia. It is still your work, after all. nakakapanghinayang pero nirerespeto ko ang desisyon mo."

I knew that he believed in my capability but I wouldn't trade my soul for it. Alam ko na kapag wala na akong karapatan sa nilikha ko, wala na akong p'wede pang habulin. As long as this script was mine, they can't take anything away from it. But then. . .humans can be an epitome of greed and greed is an endless form of wanting for things we don't even need.

Pero iba pala talaga ang nagagawa ng pera. Iba pala mag-isip ang isang manglilikha na gutom at gipit sa manglilikha na hindi nangangailangan ng kahit anong uri ng salapi. Iba pala kapag gumagawa ka lang dahil gusto mo. . .at sa lumilikha ka upang ibenta.

Tirik ang araw, mainit ang singaw ng hangin nang tumunog ang aking cellphone. I was cooking our breakfast at Mineth's house. Nagkaroon ulit kami ng brainstorming para sa isang activity. My eyes widened upon seeing the name on the screen. Si Nanay ang tumatawag.

Pinatay ko muna ang kalan at agad na sinipat ang cellphone kong nasa lamesa. My chest surged in panic as soon as I realized that something must have happened because Nanay wouldn't call. . .alam ko naman na hindi ito simpling pangangamusta lang.

"Nanay?" tawag ko sa kabilang linya, tumatahip-tahip ang dibdib sa kaba habang hinihintay siyang sagutin ako.

"Nacia," humihikbing tawag n'ya si akin, bakas sa kan'yang boses ang pagiging garalgal at kakulangan ng tubig. "Si Tonton. . .nabalian ng buto. Kailangan operahan agad. M-may pera ka ba d'yan k-kahit magkano lang?"

"Ano pong nangyari?" I asked, my emotions swirled as soon as I heard my brother was in danger.

"Naglalaro kasi sila sa labas tapos may biglang tumulak sa kan'ya, naunang bumagsak ang kamay n'ya kaya naman nabalian. Pina-barangay naman na namin pero wala rin kasing kakayanan magbayad sa ospital yung mga magulang nung kalaro, Nacia," ani Nanay na patuloy na umiiyak.

"Malaki-laki po ba ang kailangan?" I asked, my lips quivering.

"100k ang hinihingi para sa opera, anak," hagulhol ni Nanay. "Iniisip nga namin na isangla ang lupa ng bahay natin pero mahihirapan kaming matubos dahil napakalaki ng interes nila."

Natuliro ako nang marinig kung magkano ang hinihingi para sa opera pa lamang. Iba pa ang mga gamot kung sakali at wala pa roon ang mga kakailanganin matapos ang operasyon. It was a sudden and urgent operation, hindi ko alam saan ako kukuha ng gano'ng kalaking pera. Ayoko naman umutang dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na malulubog ako kung sakali dahil sa interes at hindi ko alam kung sino ang p'wedeng magpautang sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kanino ako lalapit. Tuliro ako buong araw dahil ang iniisip ko ay saan ako kukuha ng ganoong kalaking pera. I know some of my friends have money but a part of me feels bad if I'll have to borrow money from them. Alam ko naman na magbabayad ako pero hindi naman 'yon barya lang.

Alam kong mayaman sina Kiran pero. . .nahihiya ako. Ayokong isipin n'yang pini-perahan ko siya. This is supposed to be my problem. Hindi n'ya dapat iniisip ito. Pero. . .si Tonton 'yon. Maiintindihan naman siguro ni Kiran kung manghihiram ako ng pera. Ibabalik ko naman. Magtatrabaho ako para mabalik 'yon.

I went to their mansion. Wala kasi si Kiran sa condo unit n'ya. I texted him and wanted to tell him the situation in person. Ayokong isipin n'yang hindi ako seryoso rito. Nanginginig ako habang nagtitipa ng mensahe sa kan'ya.

Kiran:

Do you really want to go to our house now? Did something happen ba?

Call ba ako? :(

Napabuntonghininga ako. May ganap yata sila sa kanilang bahay. I bit my lower lip and told him that I'm on the way. Mahalaga na ma-operahan agad si Tonton. Hindi p'wedeng patagalin 'yon dahil baka lalong magkaroon ng infection.

Mangiyak-ngiyak ako habang nasa byahe. I was praying that Tonton will be okay. Iniisip ko na sana ay nag-ipon ako ng mas malaking halaga para may pera ako sa mga pagkakataon na ganito. I was barely making ends meet but I should have worked harder.

Binaba ako ng taxi sa isang checkpoint. They examined the insides of the taxi before letting us in. Hindi ko na masyadong napansin ang paligid ko at ang tanging iniisip ko ngayon ay paano ipapaliwanag na kailangan ko ng 100k agad. Will Kiran be able to understand? What if. . .he'll think that I'm taking advantage of him?

Pagkababa pa lang ay may mga taong sumalubong na sa akin. They were all cladded in uniforms and they were all willing to assist me.

"Hi Ma'am, bisita po kayo ni Sir Kiran, ano po?" tanong ng unang babaeng lumapit sa akin.

"Ah, opo, nasaan po siya?"

She opened her mouth to speak but she immediately closed it when someone towered over me. Bumaling ako ng tingin sa likod ko dahil nakaramdam ako ng presensya.

A man who looked like he was in his 40's appeared behind me. Maayos ang gupit ng kan'yang buhok, his fully groomed brows were knotted upon seeing me. Singkit ang kan'yang mga mata. He had an intimidating look plastered all over his face. Kung hindi lang dahil sa nanginginig ako ngayon, baka mas naamin ko sa sarili ko kung sino ang kamukha n'ya. He was the splitting image of his son, he looked regal and dangerous at the same time.

"Hello," bati n'ya sa mababang tono. "Ikaw ba yung girlfriend ni Kiran?"

Napalunok agad ako. "Opo. . ."

Ngumiti siya sa akin. "Halika, p'wede ba muna tayo mag-usap? Kiran is with Kile right now, we wouldn't want to disturb their moment."

As soon as hesitation passed through my eyes, bigla siyang natawa. It was a slow but menacing laughter, as if he was trying to test me if I'll tell him that it was rude for him to do so. Pero hindi ko ginawa 'yon. I knew that he wouldn't be as kind as his son but at least he was civil.

Ayoko maging bastos kaya naman sumunod ako sa kan'ya. We went to a room, where all the walls had books stacked on them. It seemingly looked like the room was lightened using embers, the seats were all cushioned, and there was a table with a computer in the middle of it. Hindi ko inakalang old-fashioned ang opisina ni Senator Killian Conjuanco.

I wasn't as naive as they think I am. Kahit naman paano, during the duration of our relationship, I was able to deep dive towards Kiran's life.

"Ma-upo ka," sabi n'ya at dinuro ang isa sa mga upuan.

I went to the farthest chair from him which made his lips pull apart. Bahagya siyang ngumisi nang makita ang ginawa ko.

"So cautious?" Halakhak n'ya at naupo sa kan'yang upuan. "I am not here to hurt you, Athanacia Samonte. Ni hindi ako nandito para pigilan ang relasyon mo sa anak ko. After all, I am actually waiting for my sons to introduce their women to me. So far, ni isa sa kanila ay wala pang pinapakilala sa akin."

I went rigid as he spoke my complete name. Imposibleng hindi pa n'ya ako kilala. Did he investigate me? Ano ang nalalaman n'ya tungkol sa akin?

"Hindi naman ako matapobre," sambit n'ya at pinagsaklop ang kan'yang mga kamay. "I actually want to talk to you. A proposal, perhaps?"

"P-po?"

"Ngayon pa lang kita nakilala pero matagal na kitang pinapasundan sa mga tauhan ko," he smiled at me which made me plummet on my own seat. "I know about your family. . .and the current situation you're in."

My heart sank upon hearing him talk about my situation. Hindi ko rin maiwasan ang makaramdam ng galit dahil ganito pala talaga sila. . .they would invade someone else's life just so they could get the upper hand.

"Ano pong ibig n'yong sabihin?"

"Nagdududa ako noon sa 'yo dahil hindi ka galing sa kilalang pamilya," sagot n'ya sa akin at madilim ang kan'yang ekspresyon. "I thought Kiran was mocking me for sure because I wanted him to at least settle with someone who had influence or wealth; which unfortunately you don't have any of the two."

"Akala ko po ba hindi kayo matapobre?" I squinted my eyes.

He chuckled then shook his head. "That is true. I don't mind, hija. Okay lang sa akin na hindi ka mayaman at wala kang impluwensya sa ibang tao. I don't mind your simplicity. It actually makes me. . .feel good that he settled with someone like you."

"Someone like me?" ulit ko sa mababang tono.

"Yes," sambit n'ya at binuksan ang drawer ng kan'yang lamesa. Nilabas n'ya ang isang sigarilyo at lighter. Umangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin at muling ngumiti. "Someone who I can easily. . .ask for favors as well."

"Po?"

"I could help you with your situation. Hindi ba't nandito ka para humingi ng tulong kay Kiran? Isn't your brother currently at a public hospital? Naghihintay sila ng pangpa-opera n'ya para sa buto?" aniya.

I sucked in a breath. This man is scary; alam n'ya ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko kahit ngayon pa lang kami nagkakilala. Maybe it was true. . .tinatawanan natin ang mga politiko dahil mukha silang hindi nagi-isip pero ang totoo ay palagi silang nangunguna sa paghakbang at pagtapak sa atin. Mga tuso talaga sila.

"All you have to do is convince Kiran to follow my footsteps," sabi n'ya sa akin. "He's a hard headed kid, pero kung ikaw ang magsasabi nito sa kan'ya. . .I know that he'll reconsider."

Hindi ako makasagot sa kan'ya. I didn't want to force Kiran to be someone that he isn't. Alam ko rin sa sarili ko na patibong ito. Sa mukha pa lang ni Senator Killian, I knew that his offer was too good to be true.

"I can welcome you to be part of our family," tuso n'yang sambit. "But then, I really need your help to tame my son. Wala akong alas gamit sa kan'ya. . .pero dahil nand'yan ka na, mas magiging madali na ito. I can spoil you like my very own daughter as well. Pero bilang pakikisama sa akin, you wouldn't mind telling Kiran to run for a position in our government, won't you?"

He smiled at me knowingly, he lit his tobacco, not minding that I was still in the same area as him. Doon pa lang ay napatunayan kong walang pakialam si Senator Killian kung may madadamay siyang iba sa kan'yang kasakiman.

"I decline po," sambit ko sa kan'ya kahit nanginginig ang boses.

There was a long silence between us. The only thing that was making sounds were the woods slowly burning on the fireplace. Ang tagaktak din ng pawis ko kahit hindi naman mainit ang paligid. I was nervous around him.

He puffed his tobacco and tilted his head to face me. "Hm? You decline?"

"Ayoko pong pilitin si Kiran gawin ang isang bagay na ayaw n'ya," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "At kaya ko pong magtrabaho para sa pera na kailangan ko."

"Isn't this your ego talking, Athanacia? Tinutuklaw ka na ng pera, pero ayaw mo?" Ngumisi siya at humilig sa kan'yang upuan.

I hate how he's far from what I imagined him to be. Hawig n'ya si Kiran, but there was a dangerous glint playing on his eyes. Gwapo si Senator Conjuanco kaya naman hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit ang bilis n'yang kuhanin ang loob ng mga tao; he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. His words are also soothing, palaging naninimbang ang tono.

"Hindi po talaga."

"Sayang," he sighed but then still plastered a smile on his face. Agad n'yang pinatay ang kan'yang sigarilyo sa ashtray na malapit sa kan'ya. "You're still welcome here, in our family. Hindi naman ako masamang tao, Athanacia. I just know what I want. . .ikaw ba? Do you really know what you want or you're just following what you think is right for you?"

Hindi ko siya nasagot pero alam ko sa sarili ko na ayaw kong tanggapin ang alok n'ya. It wasn't just about my pride but I knew that saying yes to his offer means I would be dragging Kiran down with me. Iniisip ko pa lang ay pinipiga na ang puso ko. Ayaw ko rin ang tumanaw ng utang na loob kay Senator Killian; mas mahirap bayaran ang utang na loob kaysa sa literal na pera. It was an endless pit of misery.

Ni hindi ko na kinausap si Kiran, dumeretso na akong umuwi at hindi sinagot ang mga tawag n'ya. I didn't want him to know about the situation now because Senator Killian was right. . .I was Kiran's weakness. Kaya nga gano'n ang trato n'ya sa akin, he didn't dispose of me immediately because he knew that he could make use of me one day. Ayoko dumating ang araw na 'yon. Ayoko ng tulong kay Kiran na baka isumbat sa kan'ya ng kan'yang ama.

My fingers were trembling when I contacted Sir Pablo Bello. Pumaibabaw ang kaba sa aking dibdib. Nawala ang hiya dahil kailangan na kailangan ko yung pera.

"Nacia?" sagot ni Sir Pablo Bello sa aking tawag. "Bakit ka napatawag? May problema ba, anak?"

"S-sir," I cried as soon as I heard him. "P'wede pa po bang. . .makita yung kontrata? Para sa script ko na interesado sina Sir Echo?"

"P'wede naman. . .punta ka na lang sa office nila," sagot n'ya sa akin. "Gusto mo bang samahan kita roon? Ngayon na ba, anak?"

Tumango-tango ako at nagpasalamat nang mahina bago ibaba ang tawag. I will sell my work. . .because my brother needs me now. Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang bumagsak sa aking pisngi. Ramdam ko ang puso kong ayaw magpapigil sa pagkabog. Alam ko sa sarili ko na kapag pumayag ako. . .sinira ko ang sarili kong prinsipyo.

Nagulat ako nang makatanggap ako ng tawag mula kay Nanay. Dali-dali ko itong sinagot. My pulse was racing because she sounded like she was in a panic attack.

"Nacia!" She yelled through the call. "T-totoo ba?!"

"Po?"

"May tumawag na representative si Senator Conjuanco. . .tinanggihan mo ang pera para sa kapatid mo? Hindi mo raw tinanggap ang tulong?" anas n'ya habang naririnig ko ang mahihinang hikbi.

My face slowly turned pale. Hindi ko inakalang magagamit ito ni Senator Conjuanco laban sa akin. Ni hindi ko inaasahan na gagamit siya ng paraan para mapapayag ako sa gusto n'ya. He really wanted me to work for him. He wanted me to convince Kiran so badly that he resorted to this! Alam n'yang hindi ko ito matatakasan!

"Nay—"

"Napaka-makasarili mo talaga!" sigaw n'ya habang umiiyak. It felt like being publicly executed. "Tangina naman, Nacia! Bakit ba palaging sarili mo lang iniisip mo?"

"Hindi p-po 'yon gano'n—" tuluyan na rin akong napa-iyak. I didn't mean to bring harm to Tonton. Ayoko lang maipit si Kiran nang dahil sa akin.

"Kapag may nangyari sa kapatid mo," she breathed heavily. "Sana lang malaman mong pinagsisisihan kong ikaw ang naging anak ko."

"N-nay," hikbi ko.

"Ang sakit-sakit, Nacia," she cried on the other line. "Ang dami kong pangarap para sa 'yo pero unti-unti mong pinapatay. Hinayaan kita sa walang kwentang pangarap mo. Ngayon lang ako humingi ng kaunting tulong. . .tapos ito pa gagawin mo? Wala ka na talagang amor sa amin? Kahit kaunting awa lang?"

"Nay, hindi po gano'n ang gusto kong mangyari," I said while sobbing my heart out.

"Sabi mo gusto mong baguhin ang mundo," she said as I heard her sobbing as well. "Pero mahirap baguhin ang mundo kapag palagi kang talo."

"May pangarap ako, N-nay. . .hindi tayo palaging talo."

"Hindi ba kami kasama sa pangarap mo, Nacia? Puro na lang ba ikaw ang iintindihin namin?" giit ni Nanay. "Para sa putanginang pangarap na 'yan? Hahayaan mong kapatid mo naman ang mawalan ng pangarap?"

I know Tonton's hand is valuable to him, lalo na't pangarap n'ya ang maging isang architect. He would need it to draw. It would be hard for him to fulfill his dreams if something happens to his hand.

I took a deep breath. "Gagawan ko po ng paraan—"

Ibinaba na ni Nanay ang tawag. I closed my eyes and held the phone to my chest. Mas kailangan ako ni Tonton ngayon. Itong pangarap ko na ito. . .walang maaabot ito. Tama nga si Nanay. Mahirap baguhin ang mundo.

When I went to the office. Bumungad sa akin si Sir Echo na kausap si Sir Pablo Bello. Hindi na sila umimik pa nang makita ang namumugto kong mga mata. Akala ko ay mamaltratuhin nila ako gamit ng mga salita. I thought they would tell me that I was stupid to refuse in the first place. Pero umupo kaming tatlo sa long table at hinintay nilang maging kumportable muna ako. Nasa harap ko si Sir Echo habang katabi ko si Sir Pablo Bello.

"You can read the contract first," Sir Echo said as soon as he gave me a bundle of papers. "We're hoping you could return them in a week or two?"

"Pipirmahan ko na po," I squeaked as I scanned the papers. "Mabibigay po ba agad yung p-pera?"

"Well. . .yes." Tumango si Sir Echo. "Usually ay may business days pa dahil bank transfer, pero p'wede kong i-cash kung gustong-gusto mo na makuha."

I looked at the contract and saw that it would be enough for Tonton's hospital bills. Hindi man ito sobrang laki. . .pero sakto na ito para maagapan ang sitwasyon ni Tonton at para sa operasyon n'ya.

"Malaki ang offer namin dahil lahat ng rights ay nasa amin na," Sir Echo blatantly explained while stirring his coffee. "I know that you might think we're being predatory here but we're just being wise. Ayaw namin na magkakaroon pa tayo ng demandahan kaya malaki na ang offer namin sa script mo. Pero kapalit nga n'on. . .nasa amin na lahat ng rights."

As much as I wanted to ask more, wala akong alam sa kontrata. When I was reading all of these terms, I couldn't understand it all—ang tanging naiisip ko lang ay ang kapatid kong nasa hospital ngayon.

"You can think about it," Sir Echo said and cleared his throat. "Kung may hindi malinaw, p'wede kang magtanong."

I raised my pen and signed all of the papers to acknowledge that I've read all of them. Nagulat sila nang pumirma ako agad. I never knew that this would be the ink that would seal my fate.

Sininok ako kaya naman agad akong inabutan ni Sir Pablo Bello ng tubig. I looked at him with gratitude. Binuksan ko ang bottled water at unti-unting uminom.

"I'll. . .ready the payment," sabi ni Sir Echo at pumunta sa kan'yang opisina. "Bibigyan naman kita ng kopya ng kontrata. . .kung sakaling gusto mong basahin ulit."

I knew that the contract would be an eye sore to me. Habang tumatakbo ang oras ay lalo akong nagsisisi sa naging desisyon ko. Yet. . .I needed the money. I needed it for my brother. I wanted to bury myself with the thought that it wasn't stupidity to put my signature on it, to agree with them almost immediately.

Ang hirap mangarap kapag mahirap ka.

When I got the money, Sir Echo volunteered to go to the hospital with me. Sumama na rin si Sir Pablo Bello sa byahe. Doon ay sinubukan nila akong kausapin kahit lumilipad ang isip ko. Did I really sell my first work? And it isn't mine now? My mind was currently in a haze of unbridled thoughts.

"Kung hindi po ako ang manunulat ng script na 'yon. . .sino na po?" tanong ko nang mapagtantuan na hindi na ako ang manunulat na kikilalanin sa storyang ako ang naghirap ubuin.

Sir Echo glanced at Sir Pablo Bello. "Hindi n'ya ba alam?"

Binasa ni Sir Pablo Bello ang kan'yang labi. "Sa tingin ko ay hindi ito ang tamang lugar para pag-usapan 'yon."

My eyes were already tired from crying but I peered over them. "S-sino po ba? Kahit 'yon po ba ay hindi ko p'wedeng malaman? Artista po ba? Sikat na direktor din? Sino po ang magiging. . .manunulat ng gawa k-ko?"

"Si Pablo Bello ang kikilalaning manunulat ng script na 'yon," sagot ni Sir Echo sa akin. "It was also the reason why he recommended you."

Unti-unting pinipiraso ang puso ko habang nakatitig ako kay Sir Pablo Bello. Tumagilid ang kan'yang ulo, iniiwasan na tingnan ako.

Sir Echo assisted when it came to paying my brother's hospital bills. Nanginginig ako habang nakatayo sa tabi n'ya. Panay ang sulyap ko kay Sir Pablo Bello.

Did he help me to write. . .because of his own agenda? Ito ba ang plano n'ya simula't sapul? My heart clenched at that thought.

Bago pa man sila makauwi ay hinawakan ko si Sir Pablo Bello sa kan'yang braso. He halted walking because of my tight grip on him.

"Totoo po ba 'yon?" Mangiyak-ngiyak kong tanong. "Hindi po 'di ba? H-hindi n'yo po 'yon magagawa."

I treated him like my role model. He was like a father to me. He was the person that I opened up the most. Siya ang kakampi ko. . .pero siya rin ang unang tumulak sa akin sa bangin.

"Nakapirma ka na, Nacia. . ." he told me bluntly, malamig ang tinig. "Nakuha mo na rin 'yong bayad. Ano pa ang iniiyak mo d'yan? Your work will also be seen on the huge screen. . .you shouldn't be emotional just because it's your first work."

"It's not only because it's my first work. . ." mahinang sambit ko kay Sir Pablo Bello. "It's because among all the people that could hurt me, I never expected it to be you."

Umiwas ng tingin si Sir Pablo Bello.

Pakiramdam ko ay hihikain na ako sa sobrang pag-iyak. Lahat yata ng tubig sa aking katawan ay piniga na.

I smiled at Sir Pablo Bello painfully. I guess, in the end, greed would always reign over other people.

"I truly admired you, Sir Pablo Bello. Alagaan n'yo po sana ang storyang pinaghirapan ko. You knew. . .my pain and hardships when I wrote it. You knew my doubts about it. You knew how it made me so happy that I finally finished it. . ." tuluyang tumulo ang mga luha ko. "Kaya ang sakit-sakit na ikaw po mismo ang kukuha nito sa akin."

"Nacia, stop being dramatic. It's your first work. . .pero makakalikha ka pa ng marami. Makakapagsulat ka pa ng iba't ibang storya. You already got a good deal out of it," Sir Pablo Bello sighed.

"But I could never go home to my first story," paos kong kontra sa kan'ya. "Dahil iba na po ang nakatira sa kan'ya."

Hindi na kumibo si Sir Pablo Bello.

Bumuhos ang mga luha ko habang pilit na tinatagan ang boses. "I want you to know that every time that the story is praised. . .remember that it was me who wrote it, not you. You may put your name on it, but in the end, and for its truth, it is my experiences that shaped that story, not yours."

Tumingin lang siya sa akin. Walang namutawing salita mula sa kan'yang bibig. I don't even know if he felt remorse for what he did. It was also the last time we've talked to each other. He never explained it to me. Ni hindi n'ya sinabi kung ano ang totoo. We drifted apart. . .and it hurts because he was part of how I built myself as a writer.

It hurts so much. . .because I thought he would understand the betrayal, the hurting, and the weight of what he did to me. He was a writer as well . . .he knew this would hurt me and yet he still did it.

Akala ko kaya ko baguhin ang mundo gamit ng pagsusulat pero mukhang ako ang binago nito. . .binago ng mundo kung paano ako magsulat.

Matapos mabayaran ang hospital ay mas naging kalmado na ang mga pangyayari. I gave the remaining balance to Nanay. Hindi siya nagtanong kung saan ko nakuha ang pera, niyakap n'ya lang ako nang mahigpit.

"Nacia, maraming salamat!" She cried in my arms. "Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung wala ka!"

Si Tatay naman ay malungkot na ngumiti sa akin. Alam ko na alam n'yang sa gabing 'yon, malaking parte ng kaluluwa ko ang nawala.

Nagkwento si Mama tungkol sa nangyari. May isang bata raw na binayaran upang tulakin si Tonton. The kid didn't disclose who paid him. . .pero kilala ko na agad. Kaya pala alam n'yang nasa hospital ang kapatid ko.

Nanginginig ako sa galit nang mapagtantuan na hinila sa panganib ng tatay ng mahal ko ang sarili kong kapatid. He would go that low. . .he would ruin others so he could strive. Galit na galit ako pero anong gagawin ko? He was too powerful.

I couldn't fight against him. . .kaya hindi ko namalayan na si Kiran na ang napagbuntungan ko ng galit sa loob ng aking puso.

Whenever I look at him, I remember how his father harmed my brother. Whenever I see him, I remember that he let me meet Sir Pablo Bello. Whenever he look at me, I'm slowly realizing that it's unfair that I'm blaming him for things he never knew that could hurt me. 

Kiran knew about what happened to Tonton but he never knew about how I sold my first work and how his father cornered me to make a choice. Ilang beses kong sinubukan na hindi siya idamay dahil alam kong labas na siya sa mga problema ko.

Sinubukan kong makisama kay Kiran. Pero sa tuwing magkasama kami ay ramdam ko ang pagbabago. I knew to myself that I couldn't be the person that Kiran needs me to be. I was lifeless. . .I couldn't even form a sentence inside my head without having nightmares that my work would be taken away from me.

I was trying to write again. Sa condo ni Kiran ay kadalasan akong nandoon para magsulat. . .pero ni isang eksena ay walang lumalabas.

Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong traydor sa sarili kong kaharian. All of my words left me. The sun of passion never visited me once again. I would write but I would delete it. Wala akong natatapos. Ni wala akong nasisimulan.

"Ano ba! Bakit di ka gumagana?!" I irrationally threw away the glass beside me. Nagulat ako sa in-akto ko. I glanced over and saw that Kiran got a cut on his leg because I threw it in his direction.

Kiran cussed and grabbed the shards that got into his skin. Agad akong dumalo upang tulungan siya. I got first aid and went to his side.

"S-sorry," mangiyak-ngiyak kong saad. I hurt him. . .I hurt my Kiran. Hindi man sadya pero nasaktan ko pa rin siya.

"Hey," Kiran gently wiped my tears away. "Okay lang ako. Pero. . .huwag ka na muna kaya magsulat? Try to rest a bit. . .you've been beating yourself for a while now. Na-delete mo ba yung script mo para kay Sir Pablo Bello? Maybe we can instead adapt it? P'wede namang kami na lang ang gumawa ng movie noon."

Umiling ako. Nahihirapan man ay nilunok ko ang bikig sa aking lalamunan.

"I sold it, Kiran," mangiyak-ngiyak kong banggit. "Hindi na siya a-akin."

"Why? Kanino?" kalmanteng tanong ni Kiran. It was a gentle way of questioning, walang halong panghuhusga.

"I needed the money," pagsasalaysay ko habang nakayuko. "Yun talaga ang rason, Kiran."

"Hindi mo naman kailangan ibenta ang gawa mo," mahinahon n'yang saad habang ang kan'yang kamay ay nasa mga pisngi ko. "You could have told me, magagawan ko yun ng paraan. Kung kailangan ko ibenta ang kotse ko, gagawin ko. . ."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Will he sell his principle for me? Kung sakaling pumayag ako kay Senator Conjuanco, magiging alipin ba siya ng sarili n'yang ama dahil sa akin? At kung sakali man, hanggang kailan naman babayaran ang magiging utang na loob namin sa kan'ya?

"Nabenta naman na. . ." I bitterly said. "It's not my work anymore."

"Kanino na siya? Sino ang bumili? Why did they want to replace you as the writer? Hindi ko maintindihan. . ." mahinahon na tanong ni Kiran.

Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luha ko. The memories I had with Sir Pablo Bello are all now tainted with grief. Ang mga alaala namin ni Kiran sa script na 'yon ay mahirap na balikan dahil hindi na sila akin.

"I regret writing that script. . ." bitaw ko sa mga salitang alam kong masakit din para sa akin. "I regret meeting Sir Pablo Bello. . .I regret writing about us."

Kiran's eyes watered as soon as I spoke.

I bitterly smiled as the tears fell on my cheeks. "I don't know. . .I guess I just fucking hate writing."

I never thought those words would come out from my mouth. Writing was my bread and butter, it was the core of my existence, but it also the one that withers me.

Hindi umimik si Kiran. I glanced at him and saw my reflection. I saw how. . .bleak I was compared before. My eyes were tired, my skin was dry, and my hair already had white strands on it.

Sinubukan hawakan ni Kiran ang pisngi ko ngunit tinabig ko ito. I was surprised when I did that. Kiran widened his eyes as well. Doon ko napagtantuan na nasasaktan ko na talaga si Kiran. I was hiding my inner turmoil because I didn't want him to worry. . .but my demons are eating me.

I was a mess.

I was emotionally not okay.

And this is unfair to Kiran, siya ang sumasalo ng aking mga emosyon na hindi ko kayang ilabas. He was willing to get hurt just so I would stay with him.

I knew Kiran didn't deserve to take care of a mess like this. Sa tingin ko ay masyado lang siyang mabait kaya ayaw n'ya akong bitawan. My eyelids pooled tears once again. I leaned forward to kiss him, nalasahan ko ang alat ng aking luha.

"Nacia. . ." Kiran breathed, sounding afraid. "May problema ka bas  sa akin? If we're not going to talk about it. . .how can we figure it out together?"

Umiling ako sa kan'ya. It's hard because I don't want to leave him. . .but I was aware that I was hurting him. Ang hindi ko tanggap ay para bang okay lang sa kan'ya masaktan basta ba't kasama n'ya ako. I was emotionally not available yet he stayed faithful to me.

"Kiran. . .I regret meeting you," napapaos kong saad. I know that it wasn't true but at that moment, I couldn't blame anyone. . .because I feel so stupid and small. Tanging si Kiran lang ang umiintindi sa akin.

Doon tuluyan napaluha si Kiran. Instead of lashing out at me and eyeing me with equal anger, agad n'ya akong niyakap nang mahigpit. I could feel his tears on my shoulders.

"I'm sorry," he softly told me which triggered my tears to stream down my cheeks. Kiran. . .was blaming himself for things that aren't his fault. "I'm sorry for letting you go through this, Nacia."

My heart contorted in pain because. . .he didn't deserve this. Alam ko sa sarili na hindi tama na siya ang sinisisi ko rito. If there's someone that I should blame. . .it should be solely me.

"Wag ka mag-sorry. . ." nahahapong sabi ko. "Kiran. . .I just think we shouldn't be still together."

"W-why? May nagawa ba ako? Did I say something wrong?" nanghihinang sambit n'ya habang nakahawak pa rin sa aking mga balikat. "Nacia, just please fucking tell me. . .I can't lose you. Iwan na ako ng lahat. . .pero huwag lang ikaw."

"But I already lost myself, Kiran," garalgal kong sabi sa kan'ya. "I don't think I can stay with knowing that the only thing I am capable of right now is hurting people that I care about."

"Nacia. . ."

"Si Pablo Bello yung bumili ng gawa ko," I told him as I bit my lower lip. "And you were the one who introduced him to me. . .whenever I look at you, I remember my lost dream. I remember how people took advantage of my young heart. I remember how I chose money over the only thing that made me passionate about life."

"That can't be," natigalgal siya.

"Hindi mo kasalanan. . ." I cried as I shook my head. "But the hate inside me is overflowing, Kiran. Alam ko sa sarili ko na masasaktan lang kita habang magkasama tayo."

"I don't want to lose you. . ." mahinang sambit n'ya. Ang mga mata ay napupuno ng luha. "I'm sorry for making you meet him. I can b-buy the rights back! We can ask my father to—"

Use his father's influence? Tama si Senator Conjuanco. . .mahina si Kiran pagdating sa akin. He would be easily swayed. . .because he had me. I don't want Senator Conjuanco to use Kiran. Ayoko rin gamitin n'ya ako para mapaamo si Kiran.

Umiling ako. "What's done is done. The only thing that I regret is. . .loving you."

Lies. The only silver lining of my life is being able to have you by my side, Kiran. Pero kahit 'yon ay ayaw ibigay sa akin ng mundo.

"Bawiin mo 'yon," he clenched his jaw. "N-Nacia, that's not true."

"Sana hindi na lang kita nakilala," I said, trying not to let my knees buckle. "Sana. . .hindi na lang kita minahal. I truly wished. . .we could part ways and move on from this."

His eyes showed great grief. It turned glassy and he started to shake his head.

"I won't," namamaos n'yang saad. "I won't move on from any of this, that's something I am sure of. Ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko, Nacia."

Ngumiti ako nang mapait sa kan'ya. "You'll move on. You don't deserve all of the pain I've caused you. You are human, Kiran. . .you have the ability to heal from what once used to bring you pain."

Buong magdamag siyang nagmaakawa sa akin na huwag ko siyang iwan. His eyes were red and puffy when I decided to call it a night. Hinayaan ko siyang yakapin ako sa huling pagkakataon. I knew that I wasn't at my best and I knew we were too young. . .to pursue our love story. Hanggang hawak pa siya ni Senator Conjuanco sa leeg, hanggang wala pa kaming napapatunayan, mahirap pang ipaglaban ang pagmamahalan na ito.

He was sleeping beside me, he probably never thought that I would be firm about my decision. Unti-unti akong tumayo upang kumuha ng papel at ballpen. I started to cry as my words failed me once again. Isa akong manunulat na hindi kayang magsulat ng matinong pamamaalam sa kan'yang minamahal.

I wrote on a piece of paper, my tears staining the edges of it. As soon as I was able to finish my short letter, I looked at Kiran who's sleeping next to what used to be my place on his bed. Pinatakan ko ng halik ang kan'yang noo at bumulong sa kan'ya.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Kiran."

I left my letter on the bedside table. We broke up over a letter, because I couldn't tell him in person how emotionally drained I was and how I wanted to disappear like a bubble.

Nakakapagod mabuhay sa mundong walang alam kung di saktan ka.

'I hope one day, when you find the heart to forgive me for leaving first, you'll know that my sunrises were better when I was with you. I was looking forward to living because you were part of my life. Our love may not have lasted but I love you from time immemorial. I would love to immortalize my love for you in ways that I could. Mahal kita, Kiran, sa lahat ng pahinang sinulatan, sinusulatan, at susulatan ko.'