soooo that last chapter was a but bit depressing, yeah?

VALERIE BARELY MADE it with enough time to say goodbye. It didn't really hit her all at once until the funeral at the end of the week. She had finally broken down back at the house and broke one of her mother's wine glasses in a huge outburst of emotion.

She'd apologized immediately afterward, but she still felt awful about it. Or perhaps she just felt awful in general. She couldn't bring herself to stomach any big meals anymore, so she'd been eating what she could for the past few weeks.

She'd somewhat tamped down her emotional outbursts, but she couldn't help the anger and guilt that she felt. It was overwhelming.

Her mother thought it might be better for her to go back to Rockfield, to which Valerie refused to at first. But after one more week at the house she couldn't bear it anymore. She'd spent three weeks at her home in Spain and all it did was make her feel more guilty. It reminded her too much of her father.

The morning she left, she stood in the big archway of the door, waiting for her mom to say goodbye. She stood looking out at the town from the hill that her house was on.

       "All your stuff packed up?" June asked as she wrapped an arm around her daughter's waist. She was much shorter than Valerie, and normally the height difference would've made Valerie laugh, but she wasn't in the mood. Not today.

       "Yeah. Double checked." Valerie said, her voice slightly unsteady as she spoke. She and her mom had been walking in eggshells the past week. Both of them were balls of emotion, and they got into fights over the smallest of things.

       "That's good." June said quietly, leaning her hip against the other end of the doorframe, watching the city bustle below them with Valerie.

       "Are you sure you want me to go back? I can stay longer."  Valerie said after the two of them stood in silence together for a moment.

      June looked over at Valerie, a small smile making its way onto her face. "I can't keep you here. I know how hard you're taking it. This house..... it comes with too many memories. And you need to be back with your friends. It will take a while to get past this, but they'll help you along the way. Just like I have people here to help me." June said, a slight breeze blowing her red hair that she'd left down.

Valerie hesitated, turning to her mom. She did want to leave the house, but she didn't want to leave her mom. "I have plenty of people here with me. Your whole family pretty much lives here except for the few that still stayed in Ireland." June reminded Valerie before Valerie changed her mind and decided to stay.

"You're really sure?" Valerie asked her, taking her mom's hands in hers. June looked down at her daughter's hands that were enveloping her's and smiled.

"I am. Your family may be here, but your home is back in England. With John, and Brian, and Payton. All of them can probably do a much better job and comforting you than I can." June said with a shaky laugh. Valerie reached forward, brushing some of the hair out of her mom's face.

       "I love you, mom. I'll call every day. And the moment I get home." Valerie promised, and June nodded as she stood on her toes to kiss Valerie's cheek.

      "You look so much like him." June said quietly, her voice breaking slightly. Valerie had to bite her lip to keep from crying. Once she started crying, she wouldn't stop.

      The two of them stood in the doorway in a tight embrace until a taxi honked its horn as it pulled into the driveway. "Call me when you get to Rockfield. Please." June said, her voice slightly shaky as she wiped away some tears.

       "I will, I promise. I love you. Stay safe."

       "I will. And don't break anymore wine glasses."  June said, making Valerie laugh for what felt like the first time in years, though it had only been a few weeks.

       "I won't," Valerie said as she grabbed her suitcase and slung her carry on backpack over one shoulder, kissing her mother goodbye as she walked to the taxi, letting a few silent tears fall once her mom couldn't see.
*****

   Valerie finally landed back in London, exhausted, anxious, and still thinking of her father, and what she could've done different. She'd spent the whole flight playing sudoku, but really she'd been running one thousand different scenarios in her mind of what could've happened if she had been there for him.

  She was starting to have second thoughts about going back to Rockfield. She wanted more than anything to just sit and talk with Brian, but she also wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

     One of the arguments she and her mother had gotten in was about Valerie's state of mind, and dark it was now. How all she focused on were the what if's. It was part of the reason June thought it would be better to go back to London. That, and Valerie started her job in September.

     "Miami, what are you doing here?" Valerie questioned, her voice sounding foreign to herself after having been silent for so long.

     Jim Beach, the band's lawyer, was waiting at the baggage claim for her, dressed quite properly in a suit.

"I came to pick you up. The band sent me for you; said they didn't want you driving," Miami said, trailing off a bit.

While the fact they didn't want her to drive angered Valerie, she was too exhausted to get mad. "Thank you. How's Bowie?" She asked as she lugged her suitcase off of the conveyer belt.

    "Bowie's doing great. Evan drove to get him about two weeks ago because he kept pooping in one of your plants. Freddie loves having him at the studio." Miami said as he lightly pried the luggage from her hands and started out to the parking lot. Valerie laughed a bit.

     "Freddie and his cats. He'd steal Bowie from me if he could," Valerie pauses before speaking, glancing over at Miami, "how are they?" she asked as she followed Miami, tugging at the sleeves of her sweater as the chilly outdoor air nipped at her skin.

     "They're doing good. They miss you a lot, and they're three weeks over schedule with recording because of this one operatic dirge Freddie insists on recording," Miami said with a slight scoff as they walked on for a bit until they came to a horribly coloured maroon car.

   Valerie managed a small smile at his comment and thanked Miami when he opened the door for her. "That's Freddie for you. I suppose of Roggie gets his car song on the album, Freddie must get his opera song,"

      "And is six bloody minutes long!"

       "Ah, that's not nearly as long as Brian's epic poetry that goes on for eight minutes." Valerie said, her voice laced with slight sarcasm, and Maiming closed the car door and walked around the car before popping into the driver's seat.

   "Ah, yes. The Prophet's Song. Reid is going to have loads of fun with that one," Miami said as they started out of the airport parking lot.

   "My sincerest apologies, Valerie. I know you were on a plane for a while, and this car ride isn't exactly short, but we'll make the best of it," Miami said with a smile at her, and she smiled right back at him.

     "Any music requests?" Miami asked while he handed her a few of the mixtapes he had in his car.

     "You can just pop on the radio. I don't really listen to Ricky Nelson." Valerie said while she surveyed the tapes. Miami nodded as he tuned in to a local station in London. They were playing a Led Zepplin song that's Valerie couldn't remember the title of.

   Miami was a rather easy person to talk to, and he was very nice. They'd spent the whole car ride either jamming to whatever was on the radio or talking about different books and movies they liked. The two of them shared some similar interests, which John had pointed out before,  but Valerie had never had the chance to speak to Miami.

They finally reached the studios late in the afternoon around four, and no one was in the house. Not even Evan,  who spent most of the time in the house.

"They must be in the recording studio," Miami suggested, and Valerie nodded, walking to the barn where they were recording.

She had tried her best to clean herself up in the car, but she still looked very tired: her hair was in messy braids she'd had in for a day, her eyes had dark circles underneath them and were slightly red from crying, and she looked rather frail. She took it to be from the lack of eating she'd been doing.

The moment she stepped into the studio, she was bombarded with lots of yelling. Well, from Roger at least. He was singing strange lyrics about -

"Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Figaro!" Roger finished, having sung very high. He was out of breath.

"Who the hell even is Galileo?" He demanded to Freddie, placing his hands on his hips.

"An astronomer," Valerie said immediately from where she was standing, "he believed that the Earth revolves around the sun - as it does - and was thrown in jail for it. He's known for telescopic observational astronomy, and he studied the principle of relativity, gravity, inertia, and other things. I could go on," she finished, and they all looked at her. Roger rolled his eyes from the studio, but you could see him smiling.

Brian was the first one to react, walking over to hear and engulfing her in a tight hug, slightly crushing her to his chest.

"Are you okay? You look awful," he whispered to her, his curly hair tickling her face slightly. His comment would've normally made Valerie tease him, but she felt a flare of anger she had to tamp down. It was a simple comment.

"Not particularly. We have to talk later." Valerie told him quietly, and he nodded, letting her go. He looked her up and down and frowned, noticing how tired she was.

"Valerie," John said as he wrapped her in a tight hug. It was so comforting to have him embracing her for the first time in weeks; she released a breath she didn't know she was holding and hugged him tightly, burying her head in the crook of his neck.

"I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm just tired." Valerie told him softly as he lightly rubbed her back. She could sense how many comments he wanted to make about how she probably looked.

John looked at her slightly and held back a sigh. "Are you sure? You should go get some rest. I'll make you some food if you're hungry-"

"No, no. I'm fine, really. I just need some sleep is all," Valerie said a bit too quickly for anyone's liking, really. John knew there was so much more to the matter, but he didn't want to push it. Not in front of everyone.

"Okay," John replied, though a bit hesitant. He and Brian shared a look.

Valerie exchanged a warm group hug with Freddie and Roger, the two of them asking if she was okay, if she needed anything, if she was cold, if she had eaten, if she needed some tea, if she wanted to be alone.

All of which sounded very enticing, but Valerie insisted on staying in the studio to hear them record. "It'll be a nice distraction. I can have tea later." Valerie said as she settled into the couch,  the band slowly going back to recording after spending a few more tense minutes with Valerie.
*****

"Okay, tell me everything." Brian said as he poured chamomile tea into two mugs. It was late at night, and the two of them were in the kitchen alone apart from Bowie, who was sleeping in a chair.

     Brian knew Valerie's parents and was basically a part of the family at this point. He was very sad about Ed's passing, but he didn't take it as hard as Valerie did. Of course he didn't, because Ed was her father. But she was more comfortable talking to him simply because he was so close to the family.

Valerie sighed deeply, willing herself not to cry as she told him everything. "He died of a bad heart. They say he wasn't in good health; that he drank too much, and he didn't exercise enough. Ate too many unhealthy foods. I suppose when he's your dad, you don't really think about those things until they become a problem!

"He refused to go to a doctor for months even though he had symptoms for a long time. And he was rushed to the ER the day I was called because he had a heart attack." Valerie said, intaking a shaky breath and shaking her head, unable to say anymore.

Brian was now sitting next to Valerie, his arms wrapped around her as she broke and cried into his chest.

"His last words were that he was proud of who I've become. He'd told me only two other times: when I graduated high school, and when I got my doctorate." Valerie said, sniffling into Brian's shirt. Brian said nothing, simply rubbing circles into her back as she sobbed.

"I'm so pathetic: I'm still bawling over it like a child,"

"Valerie, he was your father. Of course it hits you hard like this. I wouldn't expect you to be over it now. A grieving process takes a long time, and I'll understand if your crying about it in two months! This is very hard to deal with, especially losing someone so close to you," Brian said quietly to Valerie, who was now grabbing napkins from the counter and wiping at her eyes and blowing her nose.

"I suppose you're right. I'm still a selfish idiot though. I mean, coming to the studio with the band? I'm so stupid."  Valerie said, berating herself yet again.

"You're not. Valerie, you can't see the future. How would you have known? It's not your fault. It never has been." Brian said to her, and Valerie drew in a shaky breath.

"It's just.... what am I going to do without him?  I've never imagined a life without him, but now that it's my reality, it's unbearable." Valerie said, expressing her fears to Brian.

      The two of them discussed it for two more hours before Valerie finally couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. Brian told her that she had to get some much needed sleep, and that she had to eat breakfast in the morning, even if it was just one pancake or some yogurt.

     Valerie promised she would, and Brian kissed her cheek goodnight before she headed downstairs to the room she and John shared.

She got downstairs to the bedroom and quietly changed into her pyjamas and brushed her teeth. She decided not to shower so late, and saved it for the morning.

Though John was already asleep, she lied down in bed next to him. He woke up just a bit, and made a tired noise to her. It was midnight. She lightly grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her slightly as she cuddled up next to him.

"Can we talk tomorrow?"  She asked, and John made a sound that Valerie could only interpret as 'okay'.

Valerie lay quiet for about two minutes, fearfully running different scenarios in her mind before she finally spoke, her voice a whisper. "I love you," She said, thinking John wouldn't hear her.

     She feared he wouldn't respond, or worse, he wouldn't feel the same way. And she feared that once she spoke the words that she just might lose him,  too.

But he simply smiled tiredly and whispered back to her, "I love you, too. Always."