1989

VALERIE AND BRIAN weren't on great speaking terms for a whole year. After his divorce from Payton, things had been awkward between the two of them, and they'd gotten into many many arguments, many of which John or Roger had to break up.

     Payton had moved out of the house she and Brian owned and had gotten a house in the country. She and Brian had split custody of the kids; he got them three days a week and she had them four.

The times Valerie had visited her, Payton told her that it wasn't a big deal. That Valerie could still be friends with Brian and with her and it would hurt her. In fact, Payton was rather alright, no matter how much it hurt, she said it had been inevitable. Valerie called her every day.

      But it was still off between Brian and Valerie for and while until it all came crashing down. Brian's father died, and Freddie had told them that he had AIDS. It was stressful for everyone, and Valerie and Brian were at a deep loss - Brian from losing his father, and Valerie from losing her second father figure.

     She and Brian resumed talking again as a way to cope; they helped each other through the death of his father as well as through the stress of Freddie's sickness.Freddie, in turn, had also begged them to reconcile because he couldn't bear to see them fight.

      Valerie, as did the rest of the band, became very stressed out and sad, but most of all Brian. He was facing so many losses at once.

       John had become very depressed and distant for a while; Valerie urged him to go get help, which he did, and she could see how it genuinely helped him even if he had been nervous to see a therapist at first for fear they might sell the press his information.

       But then came the baby. Valerie was ready to welcome the fifth baby into the family, but she'd lost it in her second month. Her doctor couldn't explain why, exactly, but she'd said it's likely been a lot of stress and lack of sleep.

   It had been very hard on her; she'd cried for days on end. This added to John's stress too, but he'd been there for her through it all. In the end, she'd ended up going to therapy as well.

      Roger and Dominique, also, had gotten separated, but this did not hinder Valerie in her friendship with her. Because Dominique had also suffered from miscarriages, she and Valerie had met up a lot and simply talked for hours. Valerie did the same with Payton, even so long after the fact.

     Valerie was nearly fully back to her normal self about seven months after what happened. She was much more sociable than she had been a while. She'd even started to talk to Brian much more regularly, but that was mostly because John had been taking her to the shootings of the music videos and taken her into the studio.

      "Cigarette?" Anita Dobson asked quietly, her heels clicking while she came up to Valerie who was leaning on a tower of amps and music cases.

      The two of them were on the set for the recording of the Miracle music video along with Debbie Leng, but she was with Elena at the vending machines. John and Freddie were laughing at something one of the kids said, and Brian was teaching the kid that was acting as him how to play a certain part.

     "Sure," Valerie said, taking the cigarette and thanking Anita when she offered a lighter to her. Anita smiled and nodded at Valerie. "I don't smoke a lot anymore, but figure I deserve it now."

       "A lot?"

      "I still smoke every now and again. John still does, so I'll treat myself every now and then. Terrible habit, really." Valerie admitted, laughing slightly.

      "Ah, I see. I know, Brian's been tryna get me to quit. Very slowly, I have, but not entirely." Anita laughed, and Valerie smiled.

     "When we lived together, in the sixties and seventies y'know, he hated it when me, Rog, and Tim would smoke in the apartment. Well, I say hate very loosely. He tolerated it, but he always would make a point to sigh very heavily or lecture us." Valerie recalled.

      "He does that to me too! Does he still do that to the rest of the boys?" Anita asked, referring to the rest of the band that was now rehearsing how they would walk out onto the platform.

       "No, Roger quit smoking last year. Freddie stopped two years ago. John still smokes, but Brian's resigned to it." Valerie said, taking a drag from the cigarette, moving aside when one of the cameramen pushed past her.

        "I see. Does it bother your kids?" Anita asked, and Valerie shrugged.

       "I don't smoke around them. I know it's not good, so I'm hoping it they don't see me doing it, they won't do it either." Valerie paused and thought while she took another long drag from her cigarette. "Hypocritical, isn't it?"

        "Just a bit," Anita admitted, giggling a bit while Valerie smiled.

      She suddenly felt so bad for being so mean behind Anita's back whenever Brian and Payton got divorced and Brian started to bring Anita places. Valerie never talked to her, but she would always ramble to John later about her dislike for Anita.

      Anita was actually very nice, and Valerie felt she had to make up for her hidden vindictiveness.

     "Are you busy later, Anita?" Valerie asked, and Anita looked a bit taken aback before shrugging.

      "No, we haven't anything planned. Why?" Anita asked, finally lighting her own cigarette.

      "D'ya wanna go out with me and Rog to get drinks later and play some pool?" Valerie asked. She, Rog, and Debbie planned to go out that evening just for fun since Valerie hadn't been keen on going out, but now she was more willing. She figured it wouldn't hurt to invite Anita along.

        "Oh, sure! That sounds like fun. Must warn you, though, I'm not very stellar at pool." Anita laughed, smiling at her feet bashfully.

     "That's alright. Me and Rog'll help you out. In the sixties and seventies, we'd go to bars and play against people for money. Needless to say, we got very good at it." Valerie laughed, and Anita's eyes widened.

      "We were very poor back then. So much so that we all shared clothes. Roger wore small stuff anyway so he'd steal my blouses all the time. And Brian stole my sweaters..... he was even thinner back then, so he fit into most them just barely." Valerie recalled, and Anita laughed loudly.

       "Oh, I believe that. You three were very close, weren't you." Anita said, quieting down when the director announced that they were rolling.

       "Yes, very. I'm so proud of them for getting this far." Valerie said, truly feeling a swell of pride in her chest.

"Well, least they won't steal your clothes anymore, right?"

"Please, I'm sure if we still all lived together, they'd be raiding my stuff all the time..." Valerie said, her and Anita sharing a quiet laugh while they watch the boys portraying Queen begin to act out a scene.

John startled Valerie, wrapping an arm around her waist as he came up behind her. "You're actually talking to her." He said quietly into Valerie's ear, knowing Anita couldn't hear them because the playback music was far too loud.

"Oh, shush. I was so mean before. I shouldn't have been." Valerie said, leaning back against John while he rest his hands on her shoulders, rubbing them lightly.

      "No, but I wasn't gonna say anything." John said with a soft smile, kissing Valerie's cheek.

     "These kids are really good." Valerie said, and John nodded.

      "They are. I think Paul is one of the best," John said, referring to the boy that was portraying Brian. He was incredibly good. Elena had been quite angry she wasn't given the chance to be in the music video, but she'd been allowed to come to set often. John was convinced she'd developed a crush on one of the boys.

      "Definitely. Elena's with Debbie, right?" Valerie asked, surprised that Elena wasn't begging Brian to give her a chance at being him in the video.

       "She is. Also, me and Fred.... we're going out later for dinner."

        "That's fine, I'm going out with Anita later." Valerie said, and John gave her a surprised look, about to reply when the director yelled cut and asked the real Queen to come onto set.

         "Are you now? That's some character development." John said teasingly as he walked off, lightly patting Valerie's hip.

      And although he was making light fun of her, he was really happy that she was getting out more and getting along with Anita. It'd been a while she she'd been this way, so he was happy to see she'd improved.
*****

      "Are you sure you're gonna be okay, Lenny?" Valerie asked, while John handed over her purse, twirling the keys around his finger.

"Yes, mum, I am. And don't call me Lenny, anymore. My friends call me Ellie."

"Well, I'm your mother, and I call you Lenny. But you're sure you and Juney are going to be okay?" Valerie asked while she lightly rubbed Elena's short, red hair that she'd gotten cut so she could look like Molly Ringwald.

Behind her back, John had also taken Elena to get her hair permed because she'd avoided going to Valerie to ask him instead. John always said yes to whatever the kids wanted. He spent his money frivolously on them, and he always teased Valerie when she worried about spending too much.

       "We've got enough money to spend for this family and about ten other families. We're okay, Val," he always said, however modest he was, he was very aware of the wealth he had accumulated, and how much he was able to spoil him children.

Valerie had been furious about Elena getting her hair permed, but later came around to it, resigned to her husband and her daughter being the most mischievous duo in the house.

"Yes, we're gonna be fine, mum."

     "You know all the rules? The number for Garden Lodge is not the fridge. And you know the number for the phone in the car."

"Valerie, they're going to be fine. Elena is plenty responsible. And Mary June is working on a school project. Besides, we're going to be back by ten. It'll be okay, love. " John reassured Valerie, rubbing her shoulder lightly.

"Oh, alright. Don't let Mary stay up past eight thirty. You can stay up until we get home, but you can't talk on the phone past eight."

"Okay, okay. I understand. We're going to be okay." Elena assured her mother once again, kissing both of her parents on the cheek.

John and Valerie called goodbye to Mary June, who was watching TV in the living room, and John pushed Valerie out of the house before she could say anything else to their daughter.

"She's going to be fine, Val. She's going to be 14 next year. And she's plenty responsible. She and Mary June also have Hendrix to protect them," John said, referring to their corgi who was so lazy that he fell right back to sleep after they took him to the park for less than an hour, or took him for a walk on a trail. Or after he climbed the stairs to any of the children's or their bedrooms.

      John loved the dog, though, and was convinced that - in a moment's notice - their fat corgi would become a superhero. Valerie didn't bother to tell him otherwise. She found his love for the dog quite adorable.

       "Oh, I know. I just don't want anything to happen to her." Valerie said, worrying about leaving their two eldest daughters at home alone for the first time.

      Julie lived only thirty minutes away, and she was babysitting Eddie and Michael who were quite fond of their two year old cousin.

      Nevertheless, Valerie worried.

     "They grow up so fast." Valerie said, a bit sadly as John opened her door for her. She sat down in the car, tugging her coat tightly around her while John walked around to the driver's side and took his seat.

"Seems like only yesterday you told me you were pregnant."

"With which baby?" Valerie replied, and John laughed, shaking his head as he started the car. The two of them waved to Elena and Mary June, who were standing at the kitchen window waving back to them.

"With Elena, Val. You knew what I meant," John said, nudging Valerie's knee with his hand, letting it rest there rather than moving it.

"Yes, I did. I just like to mess with you." Valerie said with a smile, patting John's hand affectionately.

The two of them drove in silence for a while, the only sounds being of the radio and John's quiet humming.

"John?"

"Yes, love?"

"I think I want another baby." Valerie said, biting her lip nervously when John didn't respond immediately.

"What... like, now?" John asked incredulously.

"No, not right this second, idiot. I just... I'm getting older-"

"You're not that old-"

"I'm in my forties, John, that's pretty damn old. Especially to get pregnant again. Morgan has even said that the chances of miscarrying are higher when you're older." Valerie said, and a silence fell over the car. It was still difficult for Valerie to talk about her last pregnancy; it saddened her too much. "But I want to try again. And realizing how fast they grow up.... I want it to last a little while longer." Valerie finished, and John gave her leg a comforting squeeze.

"You're sure?" He asked her, and Valerie nodded.

"Yes. Positive. But not right now. I'd like to have a peaceful dinner with Freddie and Jim and think about having another baby later."

     "Alright, alright.... but just to be clear, you don't want one right now?" John asked, laughing when Valerie reached over to slap his shoulder lightly, all tension and seriousness in the air dissipating.

"No, but I would like to discuss our other children. For one, why you bought Mary June another bike." Valerie laughed and John rolled his eyes turning up the radio even more, beginning to sing loudly.

"If I can't hear you, I don't have to answer!" He said, him and Valerie laughing as they drove.

Relenting, Valerie sang along to the song playing - Brown Eyed Girl - and John wrapped his arm around her, the two of them singing along to whatever was on the radio all the way to Garden Lodge.
*****

"I trust you had no trouble getting here?" Jim asked while he took John and Valerie's coats.

It was mid November, and rather cold and rainy, but today was a rather nice day apart from the cloudiness of the sky.

"No, not at all. Apart from John taking a wrong turn, everything was just fine." Valerie said, smiling at John who rolled his eyes playfully and shared a meaningful look with Jim.

      "Freddie's already in the dining room. Me and Phoebe did a lot of the cooking, but Freddie insisted we buy your favourite cake, Val." Jim said as they started to walk through the halls of Freddie's lovely mansion.

     Valerie had been here countless times before for parties or just to visit, but it never ceased to impress her.

       "Aw, that's lovely. He's so thoughtful." Valerie said with a fond smile.

       "Hm, yes. He turned up his nose at the fact that it's from the supermarket and he wanted to order a fancier one, but since he never does the shopping, he won't know the difference anyway." Jim said with a laugh, and Valerie patted his arm.

      "You devil. No wonder he likes you so much." Valerie said with a smile as the three of them finally arrived in the dining room where Freddie was already heading the table.

        "Oh! There's my favourite bassist! And my favourite astrophysicist, but don't tell Brian that." Freddie said while he slowly stood from his chair to hug Valerie and John.

      Although it brought her so much joy to see him, it also made Valerie extremely sad to see how much more sick Freddie appeared to be.

        "I definitely will tell him." Valerie said, enveloping Freddie in a hug, kissing his cheek lightly.

       "I'll have nothing of that sort. Here, sit here." Freddie said, pulling back Valerie's chair before he hugged John tightly.

       "And how've you been, my dear?" He asked John, patting his back as he pulled away from the hug.

      "Been alright. Cold. Tired." John said, smiling at Freddie, taking his seat at the other head of the table. Freddie had brought out the smaller table that he used when he had few guests over - meaning the table was ill used since he rarely had just a few people over.

        "Haven't we all....." Freddie replied while he gestured to the dishes that were sitting before them. "Italian, your favourite. I take it you're still vegetarian, Val? Hasn't changed in two decades?" Freddie said, poking fun at his red headed friend.

       "Of course it hasn't. Haven't gotten this one all the way on the bandwagon yet. Our kids are much better at eating vegetables than he is." Valerie said, raising her eyebrows at John who laughing shyly.

      "I can't help that I like to eat food with actual flavour." John said, and Valerie scoffed, rolling her eyes and laughing.

      "Alright, alright." Valerie replied while Jim began to serve Valerie a piece of the lasagna.

"Well, you should feel honoured. Phoebe only cooks these vegetarian meals for you and Brian."

"That's a given, considering they're the only vegetarians you know." John replied, and Jim and Freddie laughed at this.

Once all the food was served, Jim said Grace and they all began to eat, talking of John and Valerie's upcoming vow renewal and their vacation to L.A.

"It's never cold there in the winter so, we'll be okay." John said while he sipped his water. "D'ya have anything stronger, Jim? I know you're a whiskey man." John asked, and Jim nodded, chuckling.

"You've got that right. Or Brandy. Aye, I've got some other stuff..... Are you partial to anything, Valerie?" Jim asked as he stood from his chair.

"Wine. I don't know if you've got any of that."

"Ah, we do, don't worry. Plenty of it. John, care to join me to the cellar?" Jim asked and John's eyes widened.

     "You have a cellar? Hell, I need to come over more often." John said as he stood from his chair.

     "He just calls it that. It's more like a joke of a walk in closet." Freddie said while he delicately ate a piece of garlic bread.

"Thank you, Fred." Jim said sarcastically, patting Freddie's shoulder affectionately while he and John passed by his seat. John laughed slightly and proceeded to ask Jim exactly what kinds of liquor he had, their conversation fading as they strode down the hallway.

       "Thank you for dinner, Freddie. It's amazing." Valerie said while she ate another forkful of the lasagna.

      "Don't thank me. This was all Phoebe.... and take out." Freddie said, him and Valerie laughing before the dining room fell silent again.

      "How have you been, Fred?" Valerie asked after a few seconds. She rarely asked, as Freddie insisted that they all go about like everything was normal. He didn't want sympathy.

      He just wanted to have fun and make music.

      "Honestly? Very tired." Freddie admitted, a moment of vulnerability that Valerie had seldom seen. He always put on a brave face, even around Valerie.

       "I want to sleep more and more everyday, but there's still so much to do. I want to write music." Freddie said, adamant. Determined.

       "Are you going to be okay?" Valerie asked quietly, sipping her water while she watched Freddie.

      "Yes. I'm going to be okay. I have my music. I have the band, my family. Jim. Mary. You. I'm going to be okay." Freddie said, clearing his throat to hide the tremor in his voice.

"Freddie," Valerie said, scooting out of her chair and kneeling at the table beside Freddie, taking his hand. "It's okay to be afraid. You do have us, but you don't have to be strong all the time." Valerie said, giving his hand a squeeze.

"It's the only way you all stay okay. I don't want the sympathy. I'm not the AIDS poster child; I'm me, and I will be fine. I've lived my life, and I'm not afraid of death." Freddie said, and Valerie shook her head.

"Don't talk like that, Freddie. You won't die," Valerie said weakly, not being able to find it in herself to be stern.

Both her and John, Valerie feared Freddie's death. She worried for his health so much, as did John. But they tried not to discuss it too often, as it only ended in one of them crying or in a fight. They hadn't told their children yet the severity of Freddie's illness, just that he was sick.

Valerie had gotten into the habit of crying herself to sleep at night, so quiet that John never heard her. Or if he did, he just let her cry. It was the only way she would feel better. That, or a shot of tequila.

John feared for his best friend, too. He'd only talked to Roger about his fears, and even then, the two of them were completely hammered. The two of them had started going out more often whether it be to drink or to go for walks. But it was mostly drinking.

They had their ways to cope, respectively, but they always had each other to come back to.

"I might. But I'm not afraid. And you shouldn't be either. Because everything is going to be okay, darling." Freddie said, giving Valerie's hand a squeeze.

       Sniffling, she wiped at her eyes that were wet with tears.

       "Oh, Valerie, don't cry. John and Jim will be back soon with your wine and it'll all be okay," Freddie said, and Valerie laughed while she stood up to sit back in her chair.

       Freddie stood, too, but he enveloped Valerie in as tight a hug as he could muster.

     "Don't cry for me, darling. I'll always be here. Now, show me that beautiful smile." Freddie said, wiping away Valerie's tears and then poking her in her side, making her giggle despite herself.

      "There it is!" Freddie said while he laughed. The both of them hugged again before they sat down, Jim and John's voices echoing around the hallway again as the two men came into the kitchen.

      "Do I look okay?" Valerie asked, and Freddie nodded and smiled as Jim set glasses in front of them, him and John the loudest they'd ever been.

      Freddie smiled and nodded.

       "Never better,"

ahhhh!!! one more chapter and then the epilogue!!!

I was without power and heat yesterday, which is when I planned to publish this, but now we're doing alright lol

I hope everyone is doing good, and I hope y'all enjoyed the chapter.

love y'all!