I had always known that he had never cared about me.

Maybe not always consciously but deep down I had always had the intuition of his real intentions.

And if that's the case, then real fool in the situation wasn't really him but me.

I had always said to myself that he had been a fool to go breaking my heart. Guys like him should rot in hell, using people to mend their own broken selves.

Yes that was a truly shitty thing to do but it he ain't a fool for one main thing: He had nothing to lose. He wasn't deeply into me than I was to him. He was not the one who cried countless nights and he surely was not the one who contemplated suicide.

He was foolish but he was not a fool. I was. I had known his true colors and I still tried combatting the waves of what was obvious, that I was just a play toy to him. I was living a dream of which I was aware that all it was just a fantasy.

And still I pursued. Stupid me I pursued. He never forced me, I forced myself.

And that made me a bigger fool than he'll ever be.

♣♣♣

Being early in class was not just a choice to me, it was a necessity. Mom had always trained her kids to be early birds for personal reasons of her own. It was tradition and breaking it would be an abomination.

So everybody was surprised when I showed up just as the teacher was about to call out the attendance sheet.

I was a bit haggard from running in the hallways as I sat on my seat near the back.

Tori, one of the black girls in my class, was by my front. She leaned back and said in a low voice.

I'd never imagine I'd get to live to see this day. Why you late girly?

I cleared my throat before informing the teacher that I'm present.

Family problem. Had to recook the rice since I fell asleep and burnt it. Mom woudn't let me leave if I can not wrap a couple kimchis for her.

Tori whistled and the teacher gave her a condemning look.

Uckkk. I can't imagine eating rice everyday. It's like the blandest thing I had ever tasted.

It's an Asian thing really. Rice differs depending on the type. There are good and bad ones actually. As well as the way you cooked it or whatever. But so far I don't think I can live a day without a meal of rice. That's taboo for us.

She giggled and the teacher warned her. We grabbed our notebooks to catch up with the others.

Still can't believe you don't gain weight with all those calories. I'm guessing that's how you caught the attention of a football star, imagine! You're just so pretty and so nice.

I suddenly remembered you and glanced to your seat. Sadly, it was still empty.

Tori caught me looking and wiggled her eyebrows knowingly.

You're looking for your boyfriend ehhh? Doesn't he text you or something?

I rolled me eyes, getting used to tell tales like this.

He is not my boyfriend Tori. Jeez where'd you even heard that?

People talk Rosa. And I don't need other's opinions when I can testify myself. You guys are inseparable.

Ew no. He is friend that's all.

She grew silent and watched me instead, it made me feel uncomfortable.

Her next statement caught me off guard.

He isn't leading you on, is he?

Friends Tori, that's all we are so no he ain't doing shit to me okay?

Whatever you say girly.

She was about to look back in front when I saw her seat up straighter like she remembered something. She turned back to me in an instant.

By the way, I saw him yesterday in Tuppe's, drinking or something.

The surprise must have been evident on my face since she suddenly looked concerned.

You sure Tori?

I mean, I aint blind so I was sure he had a few Buds on his table. He was alone too.

A slight hesitation but she decided to say it anyway.

Just wanna give you a heads up in case ummm, you know.

Tori shrugged before returning to her notebook as the teacher asked the class to list down the Chinese figures she's about to ramble on.

I was confused. Why were you drinking?

Just then, you came in, apologized for being tardy but no one seemed to care, not even the teacher who just gestured for you to seat. Everybody was focused on the lesson.

Though I was an exception since I can not stop myself from noticing your every move as you sat beside me.

You were wearing a gray tee and I can see your muscles flex as you take out your own notes.

I tried focusing in front but it was hard when you leaned on to me.

Hey Rosa.

Hey.

You spoke with so much ease I was insulted. I was so worried and you just don't seemed to notice that a curt explanation might help. You asked instead.

Which part are we already?

Chinese dynasties.

Thanks.

You continued writing on your notebook, numb of the stare I'm giving you.

Where were you yesterday?

You glanced up at me while still scribbling.

Huh?

You were absent yesterday. Why?

Oh right. I had stuff to take care of.

Stuff?

Yeah stuff?

Like what?

I noticed you tense up as an ugly scowl took over your face.

That instantly shut me up. You were irritated with my prodding.

I suddenly felt cold. Like I had taken an icy shower as I tried to combat a hurtful thought that was trying to crawl into my head.

Maybe it was your expression or the fact that your were doubtful to tell me about your escapade yesterday.

You stayed silent and the lesson seamed to occupy you more rather than the question I just asked so I dropped the subject.

Maybe it was just for the better.

And that was too private anyway. You had the right.

I stole another glance at you concentrating on the Ching Dynasty as a clearer thought came into me.

You had to catch up with yesterday and today's lesson. That was why you were so grumpy.

I suddenly felt guilty about interrogating you. That was inconsiderate of me.

Still, I can not help but to feel hurt.

I can't seem to point a finger as to why.

♠♠♠

Series I
(The Art of Desperation)
#3

Lost

You just lost me by a second
I lost you forever
And to what cost
To nothing of course
For there was nothing
In the first place
To spark us anyway
Done

•••

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