'Beer is fucking gross,' Alex wanted to say. 'I hate it. I don't want to drink anymore.'

The thing about not wanting to drink more was that that was only based on its flavor. The way it seemed to melt her mind into something with no thoughts other than the present was pleasant enough for her to overlook the taste and keep drinking until she hardly noticed it. Her companions kept offering her more and more, and she kept accepting.

'I fucking hate you all,' she wanted to say. 'None of you are actually my friends. I don't want to see you anymore.'

But they were giving her all of this cursed feel-good juice and now she didn't want to stop drinking.

'I hate myself. I don't want to go on anymore.'

But then she wouldn't get to keep drinking.

She hated beer.

Her actual best friend and roommate was asleep by the time Alex got home. Alex noticed and decided to sleep on the couch so as to not wake her up, but it was pointless; Charlie woke up anyway and came right over to ask Alex where she had been. As soon as Alex heard Charlie get up, she turned her back to her, hiding her face as much as she could. "At Janet and Jace's place" was her curt reply to Charlie's question.

"Wait, really? I thought you hated them."

"I do. I don't know why I was there."

"Were...Did you..."

Alex shook her head. "Just beer. A shit ton of nasty-ass fucking beer." She curled up as if trying to make herself as small as she could. "I'm sorry. I know I told you I would stop that and I didn't. I didn't even try. I just can't stop fucking up and disappointing you and I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Alex." Charlie's voice was soft and gentle. "I don't expect you to give it all up in one day, especially not now, when things are so...you know. And you could never disappoint me. I mean, that shouldn't matter anyway. I want to see you healthy and happy, but I'm not here to scold you like you're a kid or something if you try to find solace in things like alcohol and people like Janet and Jace and all them. I don't blame you."

Alex nodded but didn't turn around. She wanted to thank Charlie, she wanted to hug her and tell her she was the only thing she felt she needed to live for, she wanted to tell her she would never drink again...but she didn't. She mustered a thank-you and told Charlie she was going to sleep, then closed her eyes and kept still until she heard Charlie stand up and go back to their room. Then she turned to lie on her back, folding her hands over her stomach and staring up at the ceiling, wondering how it had all gone so wrong.

✩✩✩

"Alex? Are you okay? I brought you some food. Your door was open so I figured it would be okay to come in."

Alex shook her head and turned to see Jo walking into the apartment with a bag of food and a slightly worried look on her face. Alex's cheeks flushed as she realized the position she had been in was a little weird; sitting on the floor staring at the TV (which was off) didn't exactly scream sanity. "Yeah, totally. Thanks. What's up?"

"Not much. What were you doing?"

"Aw, thinking about some stuff. Remembering shit, I guess."

Jo took a seat on the couch, looking down at it for a second and patting it twice. "Like what?"

✩✩✩

Alex had the day off. Charlie didn't.

The evening began with a trip to the corner store. Alex came back with a big case of beer and a large bottle of whiskey. She got back to her apartment and immediately opened a beer, taking a seat on the floor as she tilted her head back and chugged down three-quarters of it. God, it was awful.

The, uh...the whiskey. Yeah. She liked that more than she liked beer...

"Would you look at that? I drank too much again. It happens every time, doesn't it?" Alex looked up at the clock. "Shit. Charlie's gonna be here soon."

She didn't want Charlie to come home to see...all of that. So she cleaned up as best she could, taking every empty bottle out to the bins downstairs and putting the remaining full ones into a random knapsack she found in the closet. Then she left. She got on the first bus she saw and stuck with it for a little while, wondering where it was going. And then she spotted the water; the sea, the beautiful, shining sea, reflecting the city lights and seeming to call to her with the voice of a siren she didn't want to try to resist.

The bus driver gave her a funny look when she stumbled off like a baby taking its first steps, but Alex didn't notice. Getting as close as she could to the water as soon as possible was the only thing on her mind at that moment. She ran, nearly tripping and falling twice on the way there. It was a real beach complete with tons of sand that made it very hard to run, and halfway to the water she finally tired and sank to her knees. The cold sand felt damp on her pants but when she put her hands in it she knew it wasn't.

She watched the waves as they rolled in and out, briefly wondering what she would do if they suddenly began to pull back as they do before a tsunami. As she did, she wondered if she could make some kind of metaphor out of that. Tsunamis.

Probably not.

"This is beautiful. This is really beautiful," Alex said aloud. "I wish I wasn't alone right now." She looked up and down the beach and realized something. "I've been here before...only I wasn't alone then. Crazy how shit changes. That's life, I guess." The bottles in her knapsack clinked when she moved and she slowly shifted to take the bag off. "No. No, it's not. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be here by myself. That's not just life."

She took one of the bottles out and opened it using her dented old ring. That time, the beer didn't taste so bad. Its bitter taste was starting to feel familiar and comforting; she'd only ever drank beer for the intoxication, but now she found herself enjoying the flavor. Not wanting to spill it, she stuck the bottle in the sand and put her bag back on, then stood up and waited until she'd gained her balance to reach down for the beer.

"If it is just life, then I don't really feel like carrying on with it. Why did it have to be me? My life has fucking sucked so far. My fucking parents..." Alex trailed off and shook her head. "Fuck them. But then I go and get a new family, and then what? One of the most important people I've ever had in my life...leaves it. Was--Did I do something wrong?"

A rock appeared in her path and she noticed it just in time to not stumble over it, kicking it out of the way. "Yeah, I guess I did. I gave up. I wasn't supposed to do that, was I? It's my fault he's gone."

She noticed she was nearing the dock and sped up, stopping once she was directly underneath it. "No. You know what? It's not my fucking fault. It's not my fault." The bottle in her hand suddenly felt as though it weighed thousands of pounds. "But yeah, it is. It's...fucking hell, it's not my fault!" She raised her arm and hurled the bottle of beer at one of the dock's wooden posts, shattering the glass and leaving the beer to soak into the sand.

✩✩✩

"Uh...nothing important, honestly," Alex said, getting up to sit on the couch next to Jo. "Anyway, how are things with Matt?"

"Really great. I love him, he's so much fun to be around, and so sweet. Also, have you talked to Charlie much?"

"That's so cute, I'm happy for you. And yeah. Things are pretty much back to normal, except she still lives at Layne and Jerry's."

"Do you think she'll move back?"

"No, why would she? I mean, I think that could be nice, but she's probably having a better time living with her boyfriend than she would be living with her loser high school friend."

"Don't do yourself like that. Honestly, I sometimes miss living here with you guys. That was an era to remember."

"Yeah, wasn't it? I'm sorry about all the fighting you got caught in the middle of. I really appreciate all your advice and patience and stuff. I wouldn't want to deal with any of that if I were you, I don't know how you did it."

"Hey, it's not like I was mad over it or anything. I was just worried about you guys. I'm glad it's over."

"Me too." Alex sighed and stood up. "What are you doing later?"

"Um, nothing. You?"

"Hosting movie night. All of Pearl Jam and AIC will be here. I'm assuming Matt told you about that hang-up Soundgarden has..."

"Yeah, something about business or whatever. That's why I have no plans," Jo laughed.

"Right. So, do you wanna join the party?"

"Yeah, for sure."

"Sweet. Everyone's supposed to come over in two hours. You can hang out here until then if you have nothing else you need to do."

Jo thought for a second, then nodded. "I'll stick around. Come on, eat what I brought you and I'll tell you about this bitch at the bar that wanted to fight me."

✩✩✩

Movie night went as smoothly as any event involving an apartment full of adults that were reduced to immature wrecks once put together could have gone. Alex made way too much popcorn and Jo drank two liters of soda all by herself and a plate was launched across the room when Stone accidentally kicked it off the table. It was chaotic, to say the least, but that was part of the fun. No one really wanted to go home, but it was Thursday and most of them still had day jobs to be at the next morning.

The last people to leave were Layne and Charlie and Jerry. Alex hugged Charlie and Layne and hesitantly put one arm around Jerry, wishing them a good night before closing her door for what she thought would be the last time that night. She put the radio on and began to clean up.

A few minutes passed before Alex was startled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. Figuring it was probably just one of her friends coming back to retrieve a forgotten item, she went to open up. It was Jerry, standing there with an almost contagious sense of urgency about him.

"What's up?" Alex asked.

"I've been stalling," Jerry blurted. "Uh...I spent most of the tour trying to write new shit and keeping tabs on Layne. But most of the time I was just thinking about coming back and seeing you again. Sometimes as a joke Layne would call radio stations and request all these stupid songs by..." he gestured to the inside of the apartment, where Life Loves A Tragedy was pouring out of the radio, "fucking Poison and U2 like I Won't Forget You and With Or Without You, and he would light a cigarette and tell me that it was time to 'get into our feelings.' And it was the dumbest fucking thing, but I swear to God it just made me think about you and miss you even more. So I made up my mind to come straight to you as soon as I got here and tell you...something. But then I saw you and we talked and I had so much fun and I couldn't say anything." He grinned sheepishly and shook his head. "Anyway, yeah. That's my story."

Alex blinked. Her first thought was that what Layne had been doing was fucking hilarious, but the next was a bit more important. "I, um, I missed you too. A lot, actually, so it's a good thing no one messed with me over it like Layne probably would've. Well, that's honestly really funny--I mean, what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, right." Jerry put his hands in his pockets, then took them out, tapped his foot once, then again. "I wanted to ask--I want to ask--if you would go on a date with me. You can tell me to fuck off and never talk to you again if you want."

"I'm not gonna say that," Alex said. "The opposite, actually. I would love to."

"Really? Okay, um, when are you free?"

"Pretty much every day, I think. Not in a loser way."

"Right, definitely not. Well, then, how about tomorrow?"

✩✩✩

Alex had a particularly hard time at work the next day. Two customers got into an argument over who should get the last copy of some CD, a cashier was out, and someone kept calling to ask when they would have some book Alex had never even heard of. And she was exhausted; getting no sleep at all turned out to be a bit of a day-ruiner. Relief like no other coursed through her when it was finally time to leave for the day. She clocked out and practically skipped home, excitement building up her energy until it didn't feel like it had been a long day at all.

She showered and got dressed in record time, hurrying to pick something nice to wear and then struggling to make her hair look at least decent. The final result of all that turned out better than she would've guessed based on the rushed process used to achieve it, and she was glad because a knock at the front door told her she was out of preparation time.

✩✩✩

Alex got off the bus and began to move toward the beach at a much slower pace than the last time she'd been there. She took her time, looking all around and taking in the beauty surrounding her as she finally stepped onto the sand. This time, she didn't stop to sit in the sand. She kept her head up and walked in the direction of the wooden dock, occasionally looking at the water. A soft but cold wind blew her hair away from her face and she did her best to keep warmth in by holding her coat down and closed. She reached the dock and sat down on a nearby rock, now fully facing the sea. She took a deep breath and told herself she could do this.

"Hey. It's me, I'm back. I...I have a few things I need to say to you, and then...and then that's it." A wave rolled in a little too close to her boot, but she hardly noticed. "I'm doing okay, you know. I'm feeling better than I've felt in months. Happiness doesn't feel so temporary anymore, and the nights are getting easier. Life is getting easier."

She paused, thought for a moment, and continued. "And there's something else. I...I like someone, and not just as a friend. But I want you to know that I'm not breaking my promise to you. I will never love anyone the way I loved you, and I mean that. You were one of a kind. Hell, you're the one who taught me what love truly is. But you're gone now, and I'm coming to realize that I can't spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself over everything that happened. I'll always miss you, and you will always have a special place in my heart, but it's time I move on. When I say I won't love anyone like I did you, I mean that I don't love any two people the same way. Everyone is different, and it's impossible for me to feel the same about him as I felt about you. All of it is real love, but it's not the same. I think you would understand what I'm saying."

The darkness of the night was beginning to fade away, and Alex took that as her cue to finish up. "You didn't let me down, Andy. I'll always love the memory of the two of us." She stood up and softly patted the side of the wooden post she'd been sitting next to. "But I was wrong. The sun will shine on me again...Here it comes now."

✩✩✩

alright, that's part 3 of my updating party. it's like 3 a.m. and i can hear my grandma watching tiktoks
i'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, but i promise it won't take another 4 months to go out. i'm getting near the end of this book and the inspiration is ~flowing~
okay, let's see if i remember my line. *ahem*
please remember to stay hydrated, have fun, be safe, listen to good music, be what you wanna be, and stay sober for Layne! did i get that right? alright! bye now <3