Life was a nonstop celebration, it seemed; a very special day came the weekend after Rhea's Valentine's Day party. If someone took all the parties the friends had thrown in their time together and mashed them into one, it wouldn't be as big as the one that Alex was planning on throwing. Charlie was the person she held most dear in her life, and her birthday was something Alex always made an almost too-big deal out of.

Alex knew that Rhea didn't actually give a single shit about President's Day, so it was a bit of a surprise to see that the music shop would be closed for it. When she asked about that, she got such a sweet reply that it made her heart warm: "Charlie's birthday is on Sunday, isn't it? You should be able to party on her actual special day. Now you can do that without worrying about having to wake up early the next morning."

It made Alex feel even worse about that whole thing with Eddie.

She invited Rhea to the party, of course, promising herself that she would tell Rhea the truth there since she hadn't found the guts to do so yet. It was weird--she had no idea what had made her lie in the first place, and she hated that.

She managed to keep from going insane over it by busying herself with preparations for Charlie's birthday party. She and Jo did their best to be secretive about it, but it was hard because they were planning it with Layne and it seemed he and Charlie spent every living moment of every day together. Even so, they somehow got things done, and everything was good to go by Saturday.

They'd decided to throw the party at Ben's house that year, because it was the biggest and nicest. That Sunday morning, Alex and Jo showed up there early, bringing with them a very tired Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains (sans Layne, who Jo had sent to distract Charlie for a few hours while they set everything up; that had been a whole thing because Alex always took Charlie out for breakfast on the mornings of her birthdays and had wanted to do it again, but she eventually relented and decided that it was okay if she didn't do it just this once). Everyone had a job to do, from helping put up the huge "happy birthday" banner to making sure there was ice in the freezer.

"You still upset that Layne took Charlie out?" Jo asked at some point during her and Alex's attempt to make cupcakes.

"No, and I was never upset--I just kind wish I could've done it. I always take her to McDonald's or someplace like that. This year I could've taken her to a nicer spot."

"It's okay, I'm sure she knows you would've. And she's really gonna appreciate all this work you're doing--holy shit!" It turned out Jo didn't actually know how to operate a mixer. "Get Ben in here."

Alex took a deep breath and yelled, "BEN!"

"Wait, no, shut up, I meant go look for him. Not blow your damn vocal cords."

"Oh." Alex rolled her eyes and set down her bowl of mix. "You could've said that. Keep mixing that by hand and I'll go get him."

The rest of the morning passed and a million more stupid occurrences like that came and went; it was a wonder they were ever able to bring it all together. Somehow, they got most of it done by two in the afternoon. All that was left then was the cake. The only problem was that no one wanted to go into town to get it, citing exhaustion as the reason why.

"I don't feel like going! I'm tired!" Alex complained from her spot on the floor.

"That's your fault for waking up so early, and anyway, your name is on the order!" Dave argued, shaking the invoice above her.

"So what? You go and tell 'em your name is Alex!"

"Didn't you use your full name?"

"No, it's just Alex Kinney. Tell 'em your name is Alexander Kinney."

"I don't look like an Alexander."

Alex looked up and squinted at him. "Yes you do. I mean, you don't really look like a Dave..."

He blinked and shook his head. "Don't they ask for an ID?"

"I--Goddammit." Alex groaned and stuck her hand out, barely helping as Dave pulled her up. "Where's Mike?"

"Which one?"

"Yours."

Dave lowered his eyebrows. "So...McCready? He's in the yard."

Alex nodded and patted his shoulder, thanking him for helping her stand before walking out into the yard. "I say, Mr. McCready, that's a nice hat you're wearing..."

McCready turned to face her with a slightly confused look. "Do you need something?"

"The hat. Was that not obvious?"

He rolled his eyes and took it off, putting it on her head and tilting it forward so it covered her eyes. "Take care of it."

"I will." And she headed out, sticking her hands in her pockets and whistling a slow tune as she went.

✩✩✩

"But why Ben's house? He probably sits around all day in the darkness smoking with Chris and writing songs about dying!"

Layne loved spending time with Charlie, of course, but he was glad this part of the day was over. She'd been asking questions all morning and arguing with him about going to Ben's. He'd come up with a million lame excuses ("he just wants to see you..." "he has a present for you..." "hey, it's not his little sister's birthday every day...") and he was starting to run out. He supposed it was his fault for telling her that they were headed there in the first place. He wished he hadn't done that.

Charlie really had no idea what was going on. Alex had always made a really big deal about her birthdays, and she'd always been the one to take her out in the mornings and she always told Charlie about any party plans weeks in advance. No one had told her anything this year, so what was Layne being all weird about?

Layne decided that the awkwardness of dodging Charlie's questions and the way she'd accused him of hiding things and acting strange had all been more than worth it when he saw the look on her face as everyone in Ben's house jumped up and screamed surprise! as they walked in. Her face lit up and she looked around in disbelief, seeing the huge smile on Alex's face and the big green-and-pink "happy birthday!" banner. It was all perfect.

"Did you have any problems?" Alex asked Layne as Charlie was greeting guests.

"Nah, not really. I mean she did accuse me of being a liar and she kind of had a point since I was lying, but that's okay. Was it alright here?"

"Yeah, it all went okay," Alex said. Somewhere in her mind were echoes of "I said shut the fuck up and get down!" "I feel like we're in a war-zone." "It's gonna become one if you don't stop making noise." "They're coming!" "Alright, everyone be quiet!" "Alex, you're on my hair!" "That's your fault for being on the floor!" "You're the one who threw me down here in the first place!" and such, but she thought it best to pretend none of that had happened.

And so the partying began. Everyone they knew was there and the music was so loud they were all worried Ben's speakers would get fried. But they forgot about that soon enough; they were all just having too much fun to care about anything.

Well, almost everyone was. Alex had one last thing to take care of before she could really let go of it all, and it involved the millionaire who'd just walked in.

"Rhea, you made it!"

"Of course! Where's Charlie? I brought this for her." Rhea held up a a gift.

"Uh...I think she's in the living room, or kitchen. You can put that in Ben's room--I'll show you where. And there's something I have to tell you." Alex gestured for Rhea to follow her. "Remember when you asked me if...if Eddie was seeing anyone?"

"Uh-huh. He's cute and seems really sweet, you can't blame me for--"

"Hey, I'm not judging you or anything. I was just gonna say that I was wrong. I thought he was in some kind of relationship or something, but it turns out he's single."

"Wait, really? Well...what do you think he'd say if I were to ask--or wait, maybe that's too forward..."

"I don't see why he would say no," Alex said, actually being honest for once. "But he is really shy, so that might make things just a little bit awkward." She laughed as she remembered how quiet and weird their first few encounters had been. "If he does this..." Alex looked down so her hair fell forward and used one hand to smooth it back over the top of her head without looking back up, "you got him not really knowing what to say. That's what he does while he's thinking up his next sentence. And this..." she focused on her boots and shifted a little, putting her hands behind her back, "is what he does when he's nervous."

"Wow, maybe you should ask him out."

"But I'm not gonna," Alex replied in a funny voice. "You are, right?"

"I'm gonna try..."

"That's the spirit..." Alex trailed off and stared at the ground for a moment. She shook her head and said, "anyway, I know all my friends like that. Now c'mon, I'll show you where Charlie's at."

They went out and quickly found her standing in the kitchen, talking to an old friend. Alex showed Rhea which coolers held what and excused herself and went to talk to Jo.

"I told Rhea," she said when she found her. "You can stop reminding me of that whole thing every three seconds now."

"You did? Man, finally. How did it go, did you tell her you lied?"

"Hell no. I just said I didn't know."

"Good. How did it feel?"

"Why, is there some kind of way I'm supposed to feel about it? I told you, I don't like him." Alex was subconsciously taking on a defensive tone.

"Alex, it's not a big deal if you do--"

"Then it's a good thing I don't and there's no deal at all! You think I would have told her if I did?"

"Yeah, because a possessive liar isn't who you are..." Alex crossed her arms and raised both eyebrows and Jo hurried to continue, "not that that's who you were being. I get it. Just forget it, I believe you if you say you don't like him."

"Yeah, 'cause I really don't..." She awkwardly looked around, taking a step in the direction of the kitchen. "I'm gonna go get a soda."

"You do that," Jo called as Alex walked away. She looked down at her own drink and shook her head, wondering for just a moment what was going through Alex's head.

Alex went back to the living room armed with a can of 7-Up and was almost immediately greeted with "hey, you're not drinking beer for once!" It took her less than two seconds the find the source of the jeer.

"I keep thinking that joke will eventually get old, but I'm starting to think it really won't. Some of us wanna live healthy lives, Chris," she replied, moving to stand by where he was sitting on the arm of the couch. "You wouldn't get it."

"What are you talking about? I don't even drink." He raised his bottle of beer and tapped Alex's can with it before turning around and nudging Kim's arm. "Hey, we're healthy, aren't we?"

Kim looked up from his spot on the couch and said, "whatever he's telling you, don't believe him."

"See? He always has my back," Chris said, patting Kim's shoulder and taking a swig of his drink. "Hey, why aren't you with Charlie?"

"Uh...she's with Layne."

"So?"

"I don't know, I don't wanna be in the way."

"What's there to get in the way of? It's her birthday party, not her date with him."

"Still, it's fine..." Alex trailed off and looked down for a moment. She shook her head as if to clear it and put a smile on. "Give me some of that, fuck this."

Chris hesitated but gave her the bottle, looking on with concern as she took a long drink from it. "I thought you said you weren't gonna--

"Woodrow Wilson said he wasn't gonna get the U.S. involved in the war and then entered it a year later. Things change, Chris. Get with the program."

"What program?"

Alex sighed and patted his head. "One day you'll see."

"See what?"

"That the IRS is a way for the government to control us all."

"I--do you even pay taxes?"

Alex made a sour face and shook her head. "I don't even know how. The IRS can kiss my ass." She gave him his beer and thought for a moment. "Actually, I think I'm gonna have to this year..."

"So much for the IRS can kiss my ass," Chris laughed, shaking his head. "Why are we even talking about the IRS? It's a party, you know. We're supposed to be doing shots or playing poker or beer pong or something."

"I can't see you doing shots," Alex said, trying to picture it. "Nope. But I can get Jo's cards if you wanna play poker."

So that's what they did. Alex spent the the first round shaking off the ugly feeling she'd gotten from the way Charlie had waved her off when she'd asked her if she'd like to join the game. She kept telling herself that it wasn't a big deal--Charlie's luck was shit and she barely understood the game anyway. But still...

She was just being dramatic, she decided. Charlie could do whatever she wanted; it was her own party, after all. Alex focused on the game and laughed it all away, enjoying the fact that she had just won the round.

✩✩✩

"You get the absolute worst ideas when you're drunk, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know. But I'm great at this. I'm gonna hit the bull's-eye, watch."

"It's a shot in the dark."

"But I'll make it."

✩✩✩

"Touch me, I'm sick."

The cake had been consumed and almost everyone who was staying over for the night (pretty much just the Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains guys and Matt and Kim and Rhea) was sitting around the TV in the living room.

"I never thought I could get full," Alex groaned. "I didn't even eat that much."

"Maybe it's all the beer," Matt suggested in a sarcastic voice.

"You are no longer allowed to talk to me," Alex replied. "I don't allow that kind of negativity around me."

"You go, girl," Mike S. whispered from where he was lying on the table.

"Hey Mike, move your big-ass head. I need a place to put this," Sean said, nudging Mike's head with a red plastic cup.

"Alex, tell him to go away."

"Go away, Sean."

Sean looked at his cousin and blinked. "We're family. We're supposed to be on the same side."

"That's not what--never mind. Move your head, Mike."

"And to think I was prepared to die for you..."

"You guys are all so fucking dramatic," Jo laughed. "Say, where are Charlie and Layne?"

"Outside," answered Dave, who'd been taking the big bags of trash out to the bins. "I know 'cause I accidentally interrupted an extremely romantic moment."

"'Extremely romantic?'"

"For them, at least."

Everyone laughed and turned their attention to the TV. Terminator was on again. Remembering that it was one of Charlie's favorite movies, Alex got up and went to let her know that it was playing. She stepped out onto the front porch, seeing Charlie and Layne sitting on the step.

"Hey Charlie, Terminator's on. He's about to walk into the bar if you wanna come watch."

Charlie turned and looked at her as if in pure disbelief that she'd come out there for something as minuscule as that. "I'm in the middle of something, Alex."

"Oh, sorry. I just thought that since it's your favorite--"

"Yeah, okay, thanks. I'll go inside in a little while. Is that it?"

"Is what it?"

"I mean is that all you wanted to say?" Charlie's tone was impatient.

Alex blinked. She went back inside without another word, closing the door behind her and walking back into the living room feeling indescribably irritated. It was all only made worse when she saw Rhea sitting on the floor with Eddie--everyone else's attention was on the movie, but those two seemed to be having the most interesting conversation in the world. The fact that she even cared for some reason only annoyed her more. She sat on the couch next to Chris, sinking into the cushion and focusing on the TV with a look on her face that would make anyone think she was about to smash it into a million pieces.

"What's wrong?" Chris asked in a low voice, noticing her strange behavior.

"Nothing."

"Hey, if it's something you don't wanna talk about, say that. But don't think I don't know when you're lying."

Alex sighed. "It's just...I..." She shook her head and started over. "It's stupid. It's just that Charlie keeps ignoring me and she literally never does that. I mean...is she mad at me? I always figured that I'd understand if she ever got mad at me because I used to be an incredibly shitty friend, but I don't think I did anything wrong this time. And I busted my ass putting all of this together, you know? I kind of wish she'd do the regular party stuff. Like play a stupid poker game with us or listen to Sean's stories."

He thought for a moment before answering. "I don't think she's mad at you, and I'm sure she appreciates all of this. She's probably not ignoring you on purpose; I honestly think she just wants to spend time with Layne."

Alex huffed. "Yeah, I guessed that. But come on, he's not going anywhere! A freakin' thanks for the party would be kinda nice!"

"C'mon, you know you didn't do this just to get thanked--"

"Shit, they're coming inside. Quick, keep saying stuff. I don't want her to talk to me, it'll just be all awkward."

"Oh, uh, yeah. Have you heard about Nirvana's new album...?"

"You suck at this. Like, a lot. I seriously don't even know what I expected. Of course I've heard about Nirvana's new album, Chris."

"Man, I'm just trying to help..."

Charlie sat down next to Alex and tapped Alex's arm. "Did we miss anything important?"

"I don't know," Alex said, gesturing to Chris as if to ask can't you see I'm in the middle of a conversation? "Why don't you watch the movie for two seconds and figure it out?"

"Oh, I--sorry, I was just..."

"Yeah, whatever." Alex turned back to Chris. "I really hate myself," she whispered.

"I'll never understand you," he whispered back.

"Hey, I don't understand me. Roll with it, sweetheart."

"I--"

"Shut up and watch the movie."

✩✩✩

The rest of the week seemed to trudge on through a cloud of awkwardness and unspoken negative feelings. Alex and Charlie both regularly spoke to Jo, but not to each other. And Charlie was spending less and less time at home, now spending almost every night at the AIC house with Layne. Alex and Jo understood, of course, but they wished she'd spend at least some of her time with them; she even skipped out on the customary trip to the pet store that month. And she flat-out refused to eat dinner with them the next Friday night.

"I really hate her idea of saving," Charlie would tell Jo. "She should save money, not hoard a million cans of food."

"Why doesn't Charlie ever let me make my own decisions?" Alex would complain.

"She just thinks she's doing the right thing," Jo would say to both of them.

It seemed everything was falling apart. They weren't even technically fighting; they were simply not talking. Alex and Charlie argued all the time, but they always settled in no time. Ignoring and avoiding each other wasn't what they did.

"It's like there isn't a third roommate," Alex said one day while she and Jo cleaned. They weren't even singing Somebody To Love.

"I mean...she covers her third of the rent..."

"So? It's not like we need someone to do that. That doesn't mean anything."

"Look, I know things are weird right now, but this fight or whatever you guys have going on isn't gonna last forever. Things change. They're gonna keep changing. We have to face the changes together if we wanna make it through them and come out still together."

"Don't get all philosophical on me. I get it. But I still don't know why we're in this weird situation and I hate it."

"I don't understand it either. The party wasn't that big a deal, was it?"

"No. At least, I didn't think it would be. But we got home and didn't talk and started being all mean instead. And I never wanted anything to change!"

"Alex, I understand--"

"Aw, whatever. I'm going out. You're going somewhere with Matt, right?"

"Yeah, in a few hours. Where are you headed?"

"Uh...the roof, I guess. I got nowhere else to go."

"Alright. I'll hang the 'Alex Is On The Roof' sign on the door."

"Shut up," Alex said, letting out an almost mirthless laugh. "See you."

"Bye, Alex."

✩✩✩

"Change," Alex grumbled. She shook her head as the breeze blew in from the sea, gently lifting a few stray hairs away from her face. She was sitting on the ledge of the apartment roof, swinging her feet and looking all around the city lights. "Change sucks. I didn't change..."

"Alex? You hiding from the world or something?"

"Or something," Alex replied, looking behind her. "What's up?"

"Nothing," replied Chris as he looked around. He hesitantly moved closer to the edge, sitting next to her when she patted the ledge. "Jo just left, by the way. I came with Matt to see if you were here. How's it going with Charlie?"

Alex sighed. "Weird. We haven't really talked since the party."

"How come?"

"I have no idea. It's driving me crazy."

"Alright, pretend I didn't ask." He looked up in thought. "So...do you come here often? And that's an actual question, not a come-on."

Alex laughed. "Damn, and here I thought things were about to get so interesting. Um, I used to. I'd sit here and go yeah, this is high enough. Talk about just plain sad."

"That might be the most depressing thing I've ever heard. And I have to constantly listen to my thoughts, so that's saying a lot."

"Yeah, that was kinda dark...anyway, now I just really like the view." She looked down at her hands, eyeing his after a second. Now somewhat lost in thought, she absentmindedly picked his left hand up and spread the fingers with hers as if trying to see which was the bigger hand. Obviously, his was, and upon visual confirmation of this fact she removed hers and instead messed with his fingers, bending and straightening them one at a time and then holding his wrist to literally shake his hand. She wiggled her fingers, hoping he'd get the message, and he must've because he did the same, making her giggle and nod. "I have no idea what I'm doing, by the way."

"Do you ever?" he asked, amusement in his voice and clear on his face.

Alex carefully set his hand on his knee and thought for a moment. "Nope. But I've gotten this far, haven't I?"

"Yeah, you sure have..."

Each took a deep breath, neither noticing the the other doing that exact same thing at the exact same time. Alex lifted a foot and dropped it, stopping its fall just before it hit the wall. She looked up and down the street below them and drummed her fingers against the side of her leg.

"Remember when we believed in forever?"

Alex had no idea what had made her ask that. But Chris seemed to understand--not wanting to verbally  respond, he put his head on her shoulder and nodded.

"Everything was perfect," Alex continued. "I really thought it could be that way forever. Man, I had no idea."

"Me neither. It feels like it was just yesterday when it was okay and I thought things couldn't ever change. I'd hoped the shittiest part of my life was over," Chris replied, his voice quiet. “But nothing’s the same now. We’re not who we used to be, are we?"

"Nope. We've changed," Alex said, her face twisting into a grimace at the word changed. "And I'd found a new norm. A new okay--one where it was me and Charlie and Jo being okay all together. Now I've gone and fucked that up." Alex sighed for what had to be the millionth time and reached up to pat his head, something she realized was becoming something of a habit. "This is depressing. Why do we always end up doing depressing stuff?"

"That's just us as people," Chris said in a matter-of-fact voice, moving away and raising his arms as if in victory. Alex stared at him for a moment and did the same, putting her hands in the air and acting like she'd just won the Superbowl.

"Power to the good, the bad, and the just plain sad!"

They laughed and lowered their arms, quieting down as they looked out over the city for a moment before looking back at each other and bursting out laughing again.

"We suck. So much it's actually sad."

"I know...I hope this lasts forever."

"We believe in that?"

"Yeah. We do."

"Cool."

✩✩✩

:/

please remember to be safe, drink plenty of water, have fun, listen to good music, be what you wanna be, and stay sober for Layne!

also...HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLIE!!! Alex would be long dead without her, i hope she knows. things are a little rocky now, but Alex will always be ready to tell anyone what an amazing and supportive friend she is.

until next time!