Inspired by Community S1E20: "The Science of Illusion"

Leo POV

Jason marches into the study room and declares he's joined yet another student activity. The guy has never been to a college party; he's been taking on so many commitments.

"Guys," Jason says. "I found the perfect campus activity!" He pulls out a ball cap that reads: 'CAMPUS SECURITY,' placing it atop his blonde head.

Everyone ignores him; the guy goes through campus activities like Piper goes through the Starbucks menu.

Speaking of Piper, she's the one that makes this whole thing interesting.

"Hey, everybody! Say hello to the new bad cop in town!" She turns around, revealing the lettering on her brand new windbreaker: 'CAMPUS SECURITY.' "And they even gave me this!" Piper pulls a can of mace from her pocket.

"This is just allowed?" Annabeth asks.

Nobody listens to the voice of reason. It wouldn't be fun if they did.

"You mean you're my partner?" Jason asks. "This is going to be so much fun!"

Leo sits forward in his chair. This is getting good, but campus security romance isn't exactly his preferred genre. Romance is boring, and it throws off all of the group dynamics! Plus, if someone breaks up, characters get written off, never to be seen again!

Leo doesn't want that happening to Jason and Piper. He likes them both too much. They understand him.

That's why he creates a conflict to obscure the budding romance.

"So which one of you is the bad cop?" Leo asks.

Simultaneously, Piper and Jason answer, "I am!"

They look at each other slowly, eyes narrowed. There's a new flame in the room, and it isn't sexual.

Piper laughs. "Honey, we both know if one of us is going feral, it's me."

"Excuse me, but who is in more student organizations? I have intel on every student at this school. I'll be the perfect manipulator," Jason says.

"And this is all for April Fools' Day?" Percy asks. "Ridiculous. A guy should be allowed to pull a prank without his friends threatening him. Right, Leo?" Ooh, a suspect already, and the crime hasn't even happened yet!

"Nah, I'm good." Leo had a lot of great pranks planned, but living out a cop movie is an opportunity he just can't pass up.

Jason sits down in his seat and turns to Percy. "I am the bad cop, right?"

Piper scoffs and picks at a fingernail.

Percy gulps. "I really don't want to get in the middle of this..." Of course, he doesn't want to get in the middle of this. If he does that, he won't have enough time to plan his prank!

But Leo wants to get in the middle! He's got the perfect plan. Oh, yes, he does!

"Leo," Annabeth scolds. "What's with the evil mastermind grin?"

She doesn't even know half of it.

✎✎✎

It's the big day, and Piper and Jason are busting pranksters left and right, thanks to a bunch of preventative measures sabotaged by none other than Leo.

The feelings are tense though and in a totally non-romantic way. This is the kind of quality entertainment Leo signed up for!

Piper and Jason have been all but at each others' throats all day. Instead of the awkward compliments that Leo's come to expect, each case is spent with one of them boasting about their 'superior skills.'

"I'm getting a call from the dean," Jason says. He picks up his cell phone. Wow, this is just like a real cop movie now! The police chief is calling one cop over the other, seemingly placing his trust in Jason. "Mhmm," Jason says. "I'm all over it."

Piper grabs the phone. "No, I'm all over it."

She hangs up.

"Piper!" Jason scolds. "He could've had more to say!"

"Bad cops disobey the chief..." Leo mutters to Piper.

"Yeah! Bad cops hang up on the chief. I mean the dean. Leo, what are you doing here?" Piper asks.

Leo shrugs and takes his seat in the back of the campus security golf cart. "I'm just along for the ride." He eats a Dorito chip. Mmm, cool ranch flavor.

Piper puts the pedal to the floor—like a badass—and Jason hollers "Get out of the way!" through a bullhorn, also like a badass.

"Hey, have you ever seen CHiPS?" Leo asks nobody in particular. Neither Piper nor Jason notice. Wow, like he's actually watching a movie with some sort of up close and personal experience.

The golf cart pops a wheelie just before Piper pulls the key out. The only thing that would have made that cooler would be if there had been explosions in the background.

"Officers!" Dean D shouts. "Thank goodness you've made it!"

Leo assesses the crime scene for himself. Hmm...

Everything seems relatively normal. Business as usual is conducted on campus. It's perfect. Almost too perfect.

"Do you think the evidence has been tampered with?" Leo wonders aloud.

Dean D hands Piper a paper Trader Joe's bag.

"Ew, what's that smell?" Jason asks.

"That," Dean D says, "would be your evidence. This isn't just a prank. This was a malicious crime against an innocent creature."

Piper peeks into the bag and gags. "I can't imagine how much more gross this would be if I weren't wearing my mask."

"And you're sure this wasn't just a rabbit that died on the lawn? There's a campaign against the pesticides being used on the rose bushes. That might have killed it." Jason suggests.

This would be an easy answer. It's an obvious one, but Leo isn't quite so sure it's that simple. "You're not so sure this is so simple," he says to Piper.

"I'm not so sure it's that simple," Piper says. She drops her sunglasses below her eyes. "This looks like tampered evidence."

"How can you be so confident, Piper?" Jason asks.

"Look at this body," says Piper. She shows them the contents of the grocery bag, and sure enough, the rabbit's center has been sliced clean through, as if someone has already beaten them to an autopsy.

Jason points towards the top floor of the building—the science building—where there's an open window. "Those windows are usually closed, aren't they?" he asks.

Dean D crosses his arms. "I don't care about the technicalities! Just find me a culprit!"

"Hell yeah, sir!" Jason shouts. "You know I'll do whatever it takes."

The dean rolls his eyes. "I know she'll do whatever it takes," he says, referring to Piper.

"Ooh, how does that make you feel, Jason?" Leo urges.

Jason narrows his eyes at Piper. Leo, empathetic as ever, can tell that this does not make Jason feel good. In fact, Jason may be feeling angry.

Good.

"We need a list of suspects," Leo whispers.

"I already know who's at the top of my list," says Jason. "We just need to hunt him down and-"

Whoop! Whoop! Piper, while Jason was just beginning his monologue, attaches a stick-on police light to the top of the golf cart and blasts the siren from the bullhorn. "What are waiting for, Dumb and Dumber? Get in!"

Jason grumbles and climbs into the passenger seat.

Leo swings his way into the back of the golf cart and opens up another bag of Doritos. This just keeps getting better and better.

"There's our man!" Piper shouts.

Jason grips the bullhorn. "Hold it right there!" he shouts.

Finally, they agree on something: Percy Jackson is prime suspect number one. Leo knew it from the beginning—one of the many advantages of dramatic irony—but Piper and Jason are living this movie, not watching it.

And our heroes are in hot pursuit.

Piper lurches the golf cart to the left.

"You've got the wrong guy!" Percy shouts. "I didn't do anything!"

"I'm sorry it had to come to this!" Jason yells, his voice amplified by the bullhorn.

Piper one-ups him. "I'm not!"

Leo thought she was already flooring it, but somehow Piper steps on the gas, propelling the vehicle even further, even faster than before.

"Put your hands up!" says Jason.

"No!" Piper demands. "Get on the ground!"

Percy stops in his tracks, looks to the left, and then looks to the right. "You guys are nuts." He takes off down an alleyway.

"Dangit!" yells Piper. "Look what you did, Grace! We can't fit down there!"

"My fault? You think this is my fault?"

Leo can't stand this bickering. It isn't productive. But you know what is productive?

"You'll have to split up and pursue him on foot!" Leo suggests.

Piper hops out of the now useless golf cart and preps her mace, running down the narrow path.

Jason tears open the door to the building that houses the education department and treks up the stairs.

Who to follow? They're getting away quickly, and Leo doesn't want to miss out on any of the action.

Considering the door to the education building is already shut, and Leo hasn't been granted access since the cheddar hot dog incident, he decides to follow Piper, who's following Percy.

"I can bring you in warm or cold!" Piper yells. She can't bring him in cold, but Leo decides not to mention that. It's more dramatic this way anyway.

Percy keeps running. Piper had better hurry up because he's tall enough to jump the fence at the end of the alley.

Leo tells her so, and then she yells at him, like a true bad cop.

"You leave me no choice, buster!" Piper turns the safety off her pepper spray. Ooh, this is getting good!

But Piper can't win the bad cop battle. At least, not yet anyway. There hasn't been any room for character development!

The wind blows, sending the mist into Piper's eyes. Not even her awesome 'CAMPUS SECURITY' ball cap or dark sunglasses can save her from the burn.

"Agh!" she cries in pain.

"Looks like it's Jason's time to shine!" Jason steps out onto the fire escape. "Shocked to see me, Pipes?" He tests out the function of his taser.

"I can't see a damn thing!" Piper yells.

Like a character in a movie, Jason slides down the thin banister, cutting Percy off.

"Down, Sparky," says Percy, his voice wavering slightly.

"I won't hesitate to use force," says Jason.

"I'm calling your bluff, bro."

"Bro..." Jason's voice cracks as he drops his taser.

Percy takes the opportunity to empty his Yeti water bottle over the weapon and then runs out of the alley and around the corner...

And right into Annabeth. She looks a little annoyed at first, but then shrugs and hands Percy something wrapped in blue tissue paper, which is strange because Percy's birthday isn't until August. Leo knows this because Percy's zodiac sign is a Leo, but he'll never be as much of a Leo as the real Leo Valdez.

The water sends the taser into a frenzy, scaring Jason so much, that he jumps back into a brick wall. "Ow!" he shouts, rubbing his head.

This cop team is in serious need of a training montage.

✎✎✎

"Seriously, you two?" Dean D yells. "I trust you with Campus Security duties and you can't even manage to catch Johnson?" He slams his fist against the mahogany desk. "I don't even know what to say!"

This is supposed to be the report to the chief—the dean—where the not-yet heroic cops are faced with an ultimatum, and Dean D is messing it all up! This never happens in Brooklyn Nine-Nine!

Leo leans forward from his perfect viewing perch on the window. "Tell them they have twenty-four hours to round up the guilty party."

"You have twenty-four hours to bring me the person who did this!" Dean D yells.

Jason and Piper hang their heads.

"I won't let you down," says Piper.

"I won't let you down," Jason retorts.

"Wait," says the dean. "Leonard keeps putting words in my mouth. I meant to fire you."

"What?" the three ask simultaneously. Leo doesn't enjoy breaking the fourth wall, but he gave up his April Fools' Day for this!

"Hand over your security gear."

Piper sets her mace down on the desk and sighs. Leo can't read minds, but he can imagine her disappointment.

"I lost the taser in the alleyway," says Jason.

Dean D is doing this all wrong.

Leo has to take some initiative, so he slides the contents of the dean's desk onto the floor, including his Elvis Presley desk calendar and Greek mythology bobbleheads.

"You're trusted with this ever-so-important duty and what have you two brought me?" Leo shouts. "Cero! Nothing! I mean, are you even trying?"

Piper lifts a finger. "Leo-"

"How about you shut the hell up, McLean?"

"How did you find out my last name?"

"Because I'm a better investigator than you and Sparky over here!" Leo continues. "I want your badges and other campus security swag on the desk right now! Get your sorry asses out of this office!"

Piper and Jason slowly stand up, blank and defeated looks in their eyes as they leave the dean's office.

Leo hops off his seat. Now, it's time for an inspirational moment! He can't miss this catalyst!

"And where do you think you're going, Leonard?" Dean D asks.

"My name is Leo..."

The dean crosses his arms. "You just spilled Diet Coke all over my carpet, and you disrespected the king of rock 'n roll. You're not going anywhere until you clean this up."

Leo crouches down and gathers the dean's things, taking note of his erasable pens. Huh, so Dean D has some quirks too.

He gathers the writing utensils back into their empty cup and sets them neatly on the corner of the desk, but not too close to the edge.

"You know, you were pretty harsh there, kid. And that's coming from me," says Dean D.

"Well, you know. This has kind of been my entertainment all day, so I needed to inspire my main characters to set aside their feelings and do something productive," Leo explains.

"I don't know. 'Main characters?'"

"Yeah. Like a movie."

Dean D scratches a bald spot in the center of his head. "It's dangerous to play god, Leonard. People get hurt."

"Isn't that sort of what you do?" Leo asks. "You know, putting together people's schedules and meddling with their lives. You're the one who put Annabeth on that pamphlet, and you helped pressure Frank back into hockey."

The dean chuckles. "You don't know the half of it. It's a power, but it's also a responsibility. You can't just push people around for fun. Some things are meant to happen, so no matter how powerful you are, you can't prevent them from happening. Understand?"

"You're not a god," says Leo. "You're a dean."

"You could be a damn good dean if you wanted. I'd be happy to give you internship credit if you make runs to the gas station for my Diet Coke."

"Thanks," says Leo. "But I don't think I want to be a god. See you later, Dean."

"Take care, Leonard."

✎✎✎

Leo dumps his pencil pouch out onto the study table and opens his textbook. Now that Jason and Piper are going to be working on each other instead of the case, Leo might as well throw himself into Latin.

But the dean was right; Leo shouldn't try to control his friends. He's been complicating the April Fools' Day murder by throwing wrenches in Jason and Piper's relationship, and that's not fair. It might not even be effective either. His friends aren't some machines he can just control via remote. If Leo's destined to be a third wheel, then he'll be a third wheel one way or another.

And there are other people in the study group that Leo can hang out with. Percy's nice, and always laughs at Leo's jokes. Annabeth is always happy to lend a hand when Leo's having trouble with his homework. Frank's super tolerant of Leo's craziness, even when his jokes are at Frank's expense. And Hazel's sweet; she even made Leo a mask that fits his face.

But none of these people understand him as Jason and Piper do. Leo can tell that everyone else thinks his current fascination with cop movies is weird, that they get annoyed when he drops his favorite stress ball under the table, and don't even get him started on the time they made fun of him for his discomfort with cotton balls!

Jason and Piper are patient. When the workers in the dining hall make his sandwich wrong, Piper always brings it back to the counter and asks for a new one without mayonnaise. Jason doesn't clink his fork against his teeth when he eats his pasta anymore because he knows Leo hates the sound even more than nails on a chalkboard.

And now his favorite cop series, the one featuring the best friends he's ever managed to make in his life, is being canceled before they can put the criminal behind bars!

Piper and Jason enter the study room together, like a match made in heaven.

Maybe Travis Stoll will want to raid the salad bar later.

Jason pulls the shades shut. "We've found conclusive evidence that someone in this room committed the crime from this morning."

"Only the crime isn't what we thought," Piper says, still wearing her sunglasses. "The rabbit was already dead; with further examination of the body, we found that it was coated in ethyl alcohol."

"That's what labs use to preserve specimens," Jason clarifies.

Could it be? Are Jason and Piper coming together to solve the crime, even though the dean fired them from their jobs as campus security officers?

"My partner Jason noticed that the window to the biology lab was open. That window is never supposed to be open because the air can damage the specimens, or at the very least, make the entire campus smell like a dead rabbit," Piper explains.

Jason picks right up. "We explored the biology lab for evidence and found this!" He tosses a tiny gladiator helmet on the table.

"Someone thought they were pulling a funny prank, and then ended up scarring the entire campus community," says Piper. "None of us are leaving this room until we know who that person is."

So maybe it isn't Percy. Percy's way funnier than putting a tiny gladiator helmet on an already-dead rabbit.

But Leo just doesn't see anybody else at this table committing the crime. That means there's probably going to be a plot twist. Leo loves plot twists!

"Guys, I have a class in a couple of minutes," says Frank.

Annabeth gives Frank a finger gun. "Me too."

"Well, too bad!" yells Jason.

"Guys," says Percy. "Don't make the rest of the group pay for something I did."

So Percy did do it? That's not the plot twist Leo was hoping for.

Piper slams Percy's head into the table.

Jason grabs his hands and cuffs them together.

"Ow!" Percy yells.

"I doubt Dean D condoned this," says Annabeth.

Piper looks up, still gripping Percy's hair. "We don't work for the dean anymore."

"Yeah, we went rogue," Jason adds. "How'd you do it, bro?"

"I-"

"Wait!" Hazel shouts. "Percy didn't do it! I did!"

Leo drops his stress ball.

Annabeth chokes on her Redbull.

Piper and Jason slowly release Percy.

Hazel stands up and continues. "I was tired of you all thinking that I'm the cute innocent one. I wanted to prove you wrong. I was going to put a gladiator helmet on a rabbit, and it was smelly in the biology room, so I opened the window. I was so freaked out when I realized the rabbits were dead, that I accidentally tossed one out the window. I'm sorry for causing all this trouble."

Jason and Piper look at each other, and then back at Hazel.

"Hey, good for you," says Jason.

"Yeah, really," says Piper. "We didn't think you had it in you."

"Just... maybe get some help or do some research next time you want to pull a prank so you don't send the whole campus into a frenzy," says Jason.

"So you're not going to turn me in?" Hazel asks.

"Of course not," says Piper. "We're both bad cops, in both senses of the word. Besides, your friendship is really important to us."

"Hey!" says Percy. "What about me?"

"Eh, it's more fun to turn someone in who claims innocence," says Jason.

Piper pulls the shades open, letting the light back into the study room. She takes her seat at the study table. "Thanks for helping us out with the case, Leo. I had a lot of fun being a real cop today."

"Yeah," Jason agrees. "You made a great police chief earlier too." He reaches under the table and retrieves Leo's stress ball. After picking the lint off of it, he rolls it across the table.

Leo catches his ball and beams. It's good to know he's a real and valuable member of the team and not just the third wheel.