S h i g a r a k i :

It's Friday. A week before UA's training camp. 30 minutes since the two new recruits made themselves at home, unwelcome. And approximately 7 minutes until the UA staff members and their 4 rat children come over to get smashed.

"I already told you twits I'm not providing accommodation for your stinky asses." Shigaraki glared, searing metaphorical holes in the back of their dandruff infected hair.

"We heard." Dabi hummed blankly. He was sat next to Toga who was happily sipping a chocolate milkshake she bought earlier from a random street vendor before stabbing him repeatedly. Shigaraki never wants a new recruit bonding day out ever again.

Damn you Sensei.

"Then leave, return to your cardboard box or wherever you stinky homeless hoes sleep." The villain stole a glance at the clock, it was 9:55, the heroes come at 10. Somehow Shigaraki thinks he won't be able to remove these leeches from his bar in 5 minutes.

"I slept in a bed! I killed someone and then became them so i could stay in their room!" Toga giggled, swirling her chocolate milkshake around in the glass with the straw. Tomura's face scrunched up in mild disgust, a face mimicked by Dabi.

"Gross. I slept in a bush on a good day."

"I'm sure your bush would be happy to have you back, Patchwork." 4 minutes left, Shigaraki was getting ancy. "So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Nice try, crusty lips."

The crusty lips in question deeply inhaled with closed eyes as he tried to think of a viable solution out of this future fuck fest. Then he had a lightbulb moment. He should just ĶıŁĻ ţHĕM! "I didn't want to have to do this." He said flexing his hand. "Actually thats a lie, you annoy me more than the gummy bear song."

Kurogiri doesn't get payed enough for this. The mist man rolled his vibrant yellow eyes while he opened up a warp so his glorified toddler decayed a chair instead if the two new recruits. "Tomura. Please rethink."

"Kurogiri! You know whats about to happen." The bluenette checked the clock once again. "In 1 MINUTE? FUCKIN FUCK."

Dabi stole a gulp of Toga's milkshake much to her annoyance. "Wow, i can't believe Stain worked with you. It sounds like you have a few screws loose, facepalm."

"STAIN WAS A GRADE A, SUNNYSIDE UP BITCH, FRANKENSTEIN. GO WORSHIP HIM ELSEWHERE."

The room was submerged into a really awkward, uncomfortable silenece. Dabi and Toga just blinked at Shigaraki who was beginning to spiral and possibly have a fun little meltdown. Maybe if he just started hysterically screaming like a bat on cocaine they would take a hint, take a hint, tAkE a hiNt. In the wise words of Victorious.

"HEY TOMURA, WE BROUGHT GOOSE oh worm, you have guests."

He knew this would happen. "Oh. Goody."

~

D a b i :

So. This is wEiRd.

Dabi has nothing against the staff at UA. Sure Eraserhead can be a pile of worms when he's near but the villain would never actively seek him out with the goal of murder in mind. Still, that doesn't mean he wants to be near him.

Yet here he is. In front of Eraserhead who also happens to be holding a badly cooked goose. Seriously. Dabi has roasted people better than this damn goose. Its almost offensive how badly undercooked yet overcooked at the same time this fucking goose was.

And ha..theres Shoto.

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS SHOTO ZHHSSHHW. Dabi is really trying his best to keep his cool but he's sure the way his eye is twitching gives him away. Or maybe the foaming at the mouth. Its anyones guess really...

Shigaraki only sighed deeply, like this had happened a billion times before. "Can one of you twits tell me why a damn Candy cane with legs is in my bar during the month of hmm jULy?" Shoto just made a slight sour look in the handmaidens direction.

"Sorry!" The green kid chirped, nervously scratching his tongue. Dabi absently noted the way the vampire psycho was squirming around. "I felt bad lying to him and the more the merrier right?"

Shigaraki made a vague noise of disgust. "Izuku Midoriya you are the bane of my tragic existence. You're on cleaning duty for the rest of your liFe. Now fetch." He aggressively tossed the rag he was previously holding across the room. Green mumbled something rude before going fetch like a good boy?

Dabi wishes to go back to his bush please.

~

T o g a :

Toga thinks the green haired boy is cute.

She thinks he'd look cuter with a little blood.

A lot of blood.

He would look heavenly if a combine harvester ran him over a couple of times.

Or maybe a stab wound around his probably toned stomach would be fine.

Toga appreciates minimalism art sometimes.

She wishes Kurogiri didn't take her knife.

~

S h i g a r a k i :

Tomura would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying this confused silence. He had a shitty day and as they say 'the suffering of others is the best medicine!' Or something along those lines.

1. The heroes are looking like they just walked into a drug den by accident and are watching a role model snort 50 separate lines of cocaine. Its an obscure metaphor but its the perfect way to describe it. Its funnier because Aizawa is holding a badly cooked goose which is pretty off brand.

2. The now 5 little shits are helping Kurogiri man the bar. They've only been here two weeks and suddenly they're alcohol connoisseurs. Hitoshi always seems insistent on checking the drinks for poison which seems a bit...counterproductive.

3. Dabi seems to be malfunctioning. He keeps twitching and having these quirk spasms where he just randomly shakes and activates his quirk. Shigaraki really hopes this is because of the heroes and not a long term medical condition because this bitch has almost set fire to Kurogiri 8 times now.

4. Toga keeps obviously checking out iZuKu ugLy MidOriYa. Shigaraki knows her type and honestly, he's ok with unleashing her onto Midoriya because Midoriya is a sentient shit stain. This girl has also started making a shank out of the table leg and Shigaraki is willing to let her keep it so long as she uses it on Fuckwad Midoriya.

"Uhm i feel like we caught you at a bad time, Tomura." Midnight laughed. "We can go to a McDonalds instead while you sort out your little circus in the making or whatever."

Shigaraki looked at his two new clowns and the absolute state they were in and decided Midnight was right. The meeting between Heroes and Villains was a job for future Tomura since Present Tomura wants to whack something sentient with a chair. "Yes. Go fuck off to McDonalds and get me my mcnuggets."

"Aye aye captain!" Mic saluted energetically. "Come on kids, we're going to McDonalds where there is no alcohol, Hitoshi."

"Damn thats so sad for me. Scar man, play despacito."

The scar man burst into what should of been tears? His tear ducts burnt or something so he honestly looked like he was disgustingly constipated. "dEspAciTo-o0oOo." His o's were wobbly like Shigaraki's mental stability.

"Please leave before you defeat my new squad by your sheer annoying presence." The handyman grunted, he was smiling again, betraying his cool persona he built up. "And Aizawa please for the love of all that is holy, trash that goose."

The tired ravenette proceeded to flip him off and throw the goose at the dart board with All Mights face on it. 180! Or some other dart terminology...

Pro heros and children skipped out the establishment not even a half hour after they arrived and peace was brought back to the atmosphere. Shiggy felt his headache going away and all was great again–

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED, HANDMAIDEN?"

Ah there it is.

"That green haired boy was really cute! I want to stab him 46 times!"

Consequences.

"EXPLANATION PLEASE BECAUSE I HAVE GOOSE JUICE ALL OVER ME."

Damn it Past Shigaraki why didn't you deal with this the first time.

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Wow look at me publishing a new chapter!

NEXT TIME WE HAVE BAKUBITCH AND HIS KIDNAPPING~