Ship: BTS OT7

Summary: Four times Namjoon feels lonely and one time he feels loved right through every black hole.

Idol! Kim Namjoon
Idols! OT6

(Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook)

Song: You Get Me So High - the neighborhood

3183 words

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Every beat of the words that was currently being uttered made no sense to Namjoon. It was too bright to be in here, but he was shielded by vague figures. He just sat there trying to clear his mind, as the other's voices overlapped. All in the background, Namjoon tried not to fall deep. Fall where they couldn't find him. Afterall, he did love them despite all what had occured.

Let's rewind a little back, shall we?

"Joon hyung, help me please?"
Jimin's melodic voice echoed in the empty hallways, as Namjoon laughed to himself.

He walked further to the source of the sound, only to find Jungkook straddling on Jimin's torso, while Yoongi sat beside them looking amused at the interaction. Jungkook turned around to face the older with the sweetest bunny smile as if he wasn't just terrorizing his hyung.

"What are you guys doing?"
Namjoon chuckled before sitting next to Yoongi.

"Hyung, he took my cupcake. The one I had stored for so long."
Jungkook complained to the taller boy, all while getting off Jimin.

"I didn't know that. Moreover, i already promised you that I'll buy you another one."
Jimin reasoned out, as Namjoon just sat looking at them fondly.

"But I wanted to eat on my cheat day."
Jungkook frowned with his nose crinkling ever so gently.

"Don't pout you big baby. We'll go right away."
Jimin reassured, grabbing the younger's hand and marching off.

Namjoon took out his phone to look for notifications and soon a set of footsteps were heard. Within a beat of a second, Jimin and Jungkook had reappeared. Kissing Namjoon on his cheeks with pure innocence, they disappeared like a flash. Namjoon was left suprised only to be brought back by Yoongi's grumbling.

"Those idiots. Forgot me, like I'm not sitting here."
Yoongi mumbled, sitting beside Namjoon with a playful frown.

"Aww hyung. I'm here. Also by the looks of your swollen lips, they did kiss you enough."
Namjoon asked with eyebrows raised and a smirk adorning his face.

Yoongi just squeezed his eyes shut in protest, prompting Namjoon to lace their hands together. This was how they functioned. Only gleams and happiness were present on their face. Except somehow, these events seemed to get sparse. Atleast on Namjoon's end, it felt too far off reach. He didn't expect that what Yoongi said playfully, would apply to him painfully.

The first time it happens is when Hoseok was making bracelets for all of the boys. Hoseok wanted it to be a suprise, but oh well, Namjoon and Seokjin had crashed in his room. More like Seokjin pestering Namjoon to accompany him in his shenanigans. And who was Namjoon to defy his boyfriend? Moreover, with all the stress and packed schedule, he hasn't gotten enough time to spend with them, so what better occassion than now?

"Hey, Hobi!"
Seokjin boisterously entered the room, only to get a scowl from the dancer.

"Yah! Both of you go out. You'll only disturb me."
Hoseok sobs dramatically.

"But, jwehope... I just wanted to see my dongsaeng."
Seokjin adds, trying to smooch Hoseok.

"Ah hyung! I've seen both of your duo vlive last year where you crumbled poor RJ and Koya. So nope!"
Hoseok crossed his arms, turning aside playfully. But something twisted in Namjoon's heart as he simply stood there.

"Come namjoon-ah! We'll have our own fun, without someone."
Seokjin huffed pulling the younger boy out of the room.

"We didn't even do much damage...hmph!"
Seokjin grumbled with a pout. Namjoon put on a smile, closing Hoseok's room gently.

It didn't hurt as much, maybe because Seokjin was also along with him. Moreover, in a few hours Hoseok came to them with lots of kisses and special bracelets for each of them. Soon everything returned to normal. Like always with their silliness and crazy love for each other. It wasn't that bad, right? But Namjoon was being himself as a person. And sometimes he found himself in the loop of overthinking.

It was hard being this person who always kept calm and composure. Especially when chaos ensued within his mind. Every action that he took part would be why he would lay awake at night. Even with someone beside him, he would stare at the ceiling thinking how he could have done the things he had done today. It would usually be small things like him talking about his museums to them, or him smiling awkwardly for a photo.

No one actually minded it, but he was too deeply engrossed in the fact that he had done it wrong. He wanted to go back and correct it. Maybe he was boring them with his talks or maybe they had to delete those photos because he looked out of place. These were just fictional thoughts, none of which were true, but some part of him was stubborn enough to believe these. For someone with no assembled thought structure, he found things to be harsher than usual. And some incidents occurred, that made him believe otherwise.

The second time it happened was when Taehyung and Jungkook had gone out to a club. He was asked to accompany them, more like invited him to join. And of course, Namjoon had said yes. Glittering lights, fancy drapes and lots and lots of people. The two younger boys engaged him in small talks of how their day had been. And Namjoon seemed to very much enjoy being with them. Until the drinks came in.

With a long held fortnight of sobriety, they were ready to break it with some soju and beer. Taehyung urged the other two to join him on the dance floor, which was enthusiastically accepted by the youngest. Thus, here Namjoon was sitting by the aisle all alone. Jungkook did drop him a message that they'll leave by 11. But that was it before those two ran off into the crowd. And by the time he came out of the washroom, he couldn't even figure out where they exactly were.

"I love them, you know? Too much."
Namjoon rambled to no one in particular, though the bartender was clearly amused by his antics.

Getting shit faced drunk wasn't part of Namjoon's agenda, but it seemed like he was. He didn't quite enjoy dancing in public. Maybe with his members, but not by himself. And today particularly he didn't just want to. That was the only reason he declined the offer. And seemingly withdrew himself from them. But in his head, he drew conclusions and questions. Afterall, it was over two hours since they came here and not once did either of them accompany him.

"Joonie hyung, let's go."
That was the last he heard on that day.

The next day was a blur as with all hangovers, but he didn't remember how he had gotten on his bed from the club. He knew that he wasn't carried back, because if he was one of the boys would be snuggling with him right now. But he was alone on the cold bed and not a single mutter outside. Unlike before, there were no painkillers on his table side nor any note. So he assumed that they just forgot, and that it was fine.

The third time this occurred was when as part of filming content for RUN BTS, where he was somehow left alone by himself as all the other's got partners. It was unlike the production team to just make pairs when they knew they were an odd number, 7. He wanted to question the crew and staff, but something pulled him from within. So be let go. Their task for today was to find clues to a treasure hunt.

"Okay, get set go!"
The director shouted, causing all of them to run wild to each of the clues.

The competitive streak of each of the boys was high and taken in good sport. Namjoon was actually enjoying this, forgoing the fact that he was indeed the only one without another person. With lots of running and convincing the staff, they each found out their parts eventually, except Namjoon. He found it rather difficult to do it all on his own within the time limit.

"Namjoon-ssi, you are the only one left to complete this task. Everyone's waiting for the closure."
The director whispered, making Namjoon stop and glance at the time. It was indeed taking longer for him.

"Okay. I got it."
Namjoon nodded, and soon got his prize, which was more of a complimentary gift.

"Namjoon-ah, you should do it more quickly. We were waiting for you."
Yoongi spoke as they saw Namjoon being the last one out.

Meanwhile, the younger boy stood still trying to ingrain those words. They didn't care for him? Or didn't they know he was the only one without a pair? Either way the way the other's brushed his losing the game, striked a chord within him, making him feel sadder. He kept quiet along the way back to their dorm, fiddling with the pack of tissues he had received earlier. The other's chattered around in mirth and joy, unknowing of their leader's melancholy.

The fourth time it happened was when Jimin, Yoongi and Seokjin were in the kitchen preparing dinner. They were preparing lots of dishes with meat and vegetables, while the other boys were out to get some drinks and ice cream. Lots of delicious, mouthwatering aroma filled the dorm as the three of them worked in silence. Well, silence except Seokjin's dad jokes and Jimin's giggles. Namjoon trying to be helpful to them, asked if they needed any assistance.

"Joonie, you can't cut a carrot. Please we have seen you struggle, so no thanks love."
Seokjin cheekily answered, this making Namjoon feel dejected.

"But-"
The taller boy tried intervening, only to be stopped by Yoongi's words.

"If you want to help, just arrange the cutlery. The boys will all be back soon."
Yoongi spoke, before urging Jimin to move aside.

Namjoon happily thought to himself, atleast he is being of help to others. Though, he seemed to ignore that he was of more use to others than he could ever fathom. With careful steps he set the table with bowls, plates and chopsticks. But alas, it seemed like luck wasn't on his side as he slipped on water, thereby breaking the bowl. It was honestly not his mistake, afterall anyone would fall dur to the slippery floor. And today being an auspicious day of the new year, it was considered bad luck to break glasses and ceramics.

"Aish, Joon-ah!"
Seokjin exasperated before picking up a broom to clean up the mess.

"Hyung, it's better you sit this one out, yeah?"
Jimin spoke before joining in to help Seokjin with the pieces.

But Namjoon found himself teary eyed, as he though of how he had just caused more nuisance than aid them. And also in turn, caused this frown on their faces. None of them shouted at him, but he beat himself to think that it was his fault. Usually if this was the case, one of them would come to comfort him and tell him it wasn't his fault, but all of them were busy in their own duties. And so he went back to his bedroom, only to join them later for dinner.

Five was a charm is what Namjoon believed. But seemingly enough this time it had gotten into him. Corroded his head space as he found himself alone in the dorm. With the comeback in merely months, Namjoon had a lot on his shoulders. He had to work harder than ever, proving to the world he was capable. Being in one of the difficult positions in life and at his work made him hollow from within. And after all the sitting for hours infront of the screen made him tired and unsettled.

But now he stood in his form with no whatsoever form of life around him. His breathing was the only thing that echoed in the place as the other's had gone somewhere. Or so he assumed. He slowly treaded his way to his bedroom and crashed into the bed without changing. The silence was nerve wrecking, as Namjoon dwindled in his thoughts of how all of them were nowhere to be seen. That broke his resolve, as he cupped his own face and broke into sniffles.

It was very very unlike him to ever cry out loud, but his emotions were scattered for some reason and he left lonelier than usual. So he expressed it through tears. Tears that soaked the pillowcase. Tears that seemed to be his only form of comfort. Tears that were silent to the soul. The night was still young, but his heart was heavy with fear and exhaustion. Fear of being forgotten and left alone. Exhaustion deep in his bones with a little hint of anger and hurt in there. He was tired as it is and so his eyes drooped pulling him into a dreamless sleep.

"Joonie?"
A gentle voice seemed to be calling him.

"...uh? Yeah?"
Namjoon woke up abruptly, feeling groggy all over.

"Wake up, hyung."
He heard another soft yet familiar voice, this causing him to open his eyes. Pulling up his curled fists, he rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. He saw all the six of his boys around him on the bed. They looked a little not-so relaxed and thus making the boy himself go into panic.

"Oh okay. What is wrong?"
Namjoon asked in a full-on leader mode, but was soon comforted by the gentle hands of Jimin and Seokjin.

"You've got to tell me."
Hoseok spoke, as he stared into the other's eyes.

"Huh? Nothing."
Namjoon's startled voice made the other's wince harshly.

"Love, I won't force you, but you gotta tell me."
Taehyung spoke, looking at Namjoon with pity and sorrow.

"What? Why are guys staring at me?"
Namjoon asked, full on confused.

"Why are your eyes puffy?"
Jungkook demanded an answer in a gentle yet stern voice.

"When did you guys come home?"
Namjoon asked, missing the other's question by a second.

"Stop deflecting the topic, Joon."
Yoongi reprimanded the Namjoon, as Jimin drew circles on the boy's thighs.

"Oh, I donno. I was working in late I guess."
Namjoon answered, feeling nervous and guilty for no reason.

"You guess? Then why is the pillow wet?"
Seokjin asked with an eyebrow raise.

"Why are you guys asking so many questions?"
Namjoon cross-questioned them with glassy eyes on display.

"Because we want to know what's bothering you? You don't simply cry for no reason!"
Jimin shouted in a higher pitch than normal, making Namjoon flinch.

Soon there were a chorus of voices and hands all over him. Everything seemed to fade away for him aa they were just sounds. Namjoon withdrew his limbs into a very closed space, making all of them hurling backwards in shock. They feared it was because of them that Namjoon cried, and seemingly it was true by his actions.

"I have been feeling lonely. I don't actually know why. I think sometimes you guys unintentionally do it. And today, you guys went somewhere without a text or an invite for me to join. I'm being stupid and childish but it hurts. I feel useless for not helping you guys."
Namjoon whispered lowly, noticing that none of them dared to speak or move. They listened to him intently with curious eyes and dejected looks.

"Hyung, how long have you been carrying all this hurt within you?"
Jungkook stuttered out, promptly causing Namjoon to have a thin sheen of tears spring out from his eyes.

"Long enough for it to make me feel incomplete and broken."
Namjoon answered looking into the youngest's eyes.

"Joonie bug, why? You should have to come to me atleast?"
Hoseok asked with sadness laced in his voice.

"Didn't want to bother you."
Namjoon muttered, and soon Taehyung's large hands were on his back.

"Namjoon-ah are you being serious? I would rather have you come and wake me in the middle of the night to tell me this than have you crying alone here."
Yoongi exasperated with a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry."
The taller boy apologized, through his clogged voice.

"No hyung, we are sorry. We didn't realise that we were ignoring you, without actually meaning to."
Jimin answered, going forward to clutch the other's larger hands in his own.

"And you are very much part of this relationship, just like each one of us."
Seokjin added in, closing the gap to press a soft forehead kiss.

"If it weren't for you choosing Bangtan over a solo career, none of us would be here."
Jungkook spoke, hugging his role-model tightly.

"Aww hyung, please don't cry."
Taehyung teased the older boy, before pressing a kiss onto Namjoon's dimple.

"I know we did make you sad and angsty, but will you still be with us? If you want space, we understand!"
Hoseok asked with hopeful eyes on sight.

"You guys aren't getting rid of me just yet."
Namjoon chuckled before all of the younger boys jumped on him.

"We, all of us promise not to make you feel this way. And we apologise that we have done it earlier. It wasn't to ever hurt your feelings. But if we do repeat, I want you to confront us, not suffer like this. You can get angry, about on us but not cry alone. Got it, namjoon-ah?"
Yoongi asked the younger boy seriously, getting a nod in response.

"By the way, if this can be any consolation, we have a planned to go on a hiking trip tomorrow on your lead, so will you join us baby?"
Seokjin asked yet again, making the other giggle loudly.

Of course, that was a yes. All of the boys ended up cuddling on the bed until it got heavy and hot under the bedsheets. The mess of limbs and breaths made Namjoon felt more loved than ever. And he understood that it was partially his fault as well. But that didn't deter him from not voicing it the next time. The other's made him notice how helpful he was to them in his little and big ways of listening, aiding and being there. He even got to peel potatoes, paint canvases and sing karaoke.

FYI, the hiking trip was a perfect escapade from their stress and thus a very successful trip. Except for Taehyung's stolen sandwiches, Jungkook's bunny adventures, Jimin's laughing fit, Hoseok's scared shrieks at the bugs, Yoongi's missing shoe, Seokjin's forgotten lunch boxes. And Namjoon wouldn't change this for anything in the world. Maybe Namjoon can write all about this, naming it his lost adventures with six crack heads boyfriends!