Baby or Daddy~

Author : @Causers Causers

Reviewer : TaesLilKookie TaesLilKookie

Title: 3/5

The title is pretty cute, but I'm not sure I found the relevance to the story quite yet. Then again your story is just at the start so there is a lot more to come.

Cover : 3/5

Pretty. It suits the current standing of the story, but so far I have only seen jk as a baby so I'm not sure where to go from there.

Blurb : 1/10

That was not a blurb. It barely explained anything about the story, gave me no insight into the running theme or any idea what the story is about. It was merely three quotes, which I'm not fully sure are even from the story.

A blurb should consist of a short summary of what the starting of the story is going to be. As much as a quote is good to add, it doesn't necessarily make the entire blurb. Give a small description of what the reader is to expect from the story. Introduce the MC (just a line with her name in it would have done)

Here is a short example of what your blurb could be (be mindful that I don't know the entire plot so I can only write for what I've read so far):

"Just fired from her job, Kim Yeonhee, finds a baby in the dumpster as she is on her way home. Taking pity on the little guy, she decides to take him home with her. Only there is one little problem. Yeonhee has no idea how to care for a baby. Not to mention she just lost her job and has no way to take care of herself either."

Now, this is not enough for the blurb as it mentions nothing about the possibility of Jungkook being anywhere near important in the story, so you will have to add something like 'there was more to the baby than meets the eye' or something equally mysterious, without giving too much of the plot twist away, to actually attract the reader.

First Impression : 3/5

Since we already established my thoughts on the cover, title and blurb, let's take a look at your first chapter. The full capital letters as soon as I started reading was frankly a big turn off. Then was the flow of the story, which wasn't done very well. The third was the conversation between the boss and Yeon-hee

It was okay all the way until Yeonhee realised she wasn't keeping the job and started shouting back at him. Now the urge and desire to scream at your boss is something duly understandable, but most of her cussing was pretty childish and despite all that yelling he kept quiet and the scene soon turned unrealistic.

Plot : 7/15

I really can't tell what the plot of the story is at all. Mostly, due to it still being just the start and the other because, despite being 12 chapters into the story, it was mostly filled with fillers. Yes, the main focus was on building character and not much on the plot, but what I do have so far seems both interesting and something that isn't done very often.

There is however a problem with the relationships between all the characters.

Especially between Yoongi, Jimin and Taehyung. This was never made clear, and mostly I had no idea what was going between Yeonhee and Taehyung. Are they ex's? Or did Tae confess and Yenhee reject him? What is going on between them? It's clear Tae likes her. It's also clear she knows it, but beyond that. No backstory to connect the dots.

In fact, I would ask you to evaluate the relationship between all characters. It's not necessary that you have to write it in the story, but just know for yourself how all these characters are licked at each other. What brought them together and that will eventually show in your writing. If you make it as you go, you are going to leave a lot of holes in the plot. Personally, the only relationship that made sense to me was jin's and Yeonhee's, and even that you kind of butchered by the turn you took at the office when the girls were chasing him and he pretended to kiss her.

Flow : 3/10

The flow of the story is mainly decided by showing vs. telling. And there was hardly any showing in the way you write. The main aspect of showing the story instead of telling it (or narrating it) is by using the five senses, body language, setting and dialogue to explain what is going on rather than to simply state it.

For example, don't tell me your character is nervous by a simple ' she/he was nervous Show it to me in the way they fidget (with anything as it varies from character to character just as it does from person to person), the way they pace, in the sweat pooling in their palms, the way they avoid eye contact with the other characters. Even background and setting can help you show and not tell the characters feelings. The cloudy/rainy weather can show the sadness of a character. Darkness to emphasise fear. A bright and happy room to emphasise happiness. The character's mood is going to affect the way they see their settings.

The opposite can be used for effect as well a bright day to show how, despite the characters bad mood, the world still went on as usual.

You can use all of this to make your writing better, more importantly, to draw your readers into your world and go through everything with your characters as if they were part of it.

Grammar/Vocabulary : 7/10

On this font, I didn't find a lot of mistakes. Most of the writing was understandable and readable; it made sense.

There were however a few places where words could have been substituted for something slightly more suitable. Where the choice of word wasn't grammatically wrong, but you could have used a stronger or weaker word to get the message across better.

Honestly, I wish you'd reduce the cursing. I'm not going to ask you to avoid using it altogether, but minimise the use of them to cause more impact. When a character curs every other sentence, there is no real impact they make as coming off as foul-mouthed (loved the alternative forms for cruising you had used though, they were super creative and funny to read).

Emotion : 3/10

Emotion goes back to a point I made earlier, showing vs. telling. The only way you can make your reader feel and go through what your character goes through is if you show us what you are going through.

I'm not going to feel much when you tell she felt angry, but I'm going to feel it when you show it to me through the way they clench their teeth, fist their hand and struggle to control their breathing, this shows me that the character is trying their hardest not to blow up and I didn't have to tell it.

Character Development : 4/10

I'll be honest here and say that this is the one factor I cannot judge without reading more. But from how far you have written, I did see a little development in Yeonhees character,

Writing Style : 4/10

The message was conveyed, but the depiction wasn't the best. This goes back to showing vs telling but as we have talked about it, let's get to the next thing that makes your writing style. Dialogue.

Now, the dialogue was good if not for having been exaggerated (and again, cut back on the cursing. I know people tend to do that in real life, but you take the relatability and the readability out of your words when characters tend to curse too much). Otherwise, your writing was pretty good.

Reader's enjoyment : 4/5

I had fun reading this. The plot wasn't something I have ever come across before and I do want to know what happens in the future and how Jungkook becomes big (though that saliva soup is really suspicious and I have a feeling it's some kind of special formula which will be what changes him)

Overall : 4/5
The pacing was a little too slow, so I would recommend cutting back on most filler chapters (and there were plenty) and writing more to show than tell and you'd be good to go. Wishing you all the best to continue writing!.

Total: 46/100