BURDEN YOU — Pity Sex

I walked home in pure silence as Benny and I departed ways. The brisk evening air delicately kissing my olive skin as the vibrant hues of orange engulfed the sky above.

As I slipped my keys from my pocket, I was interrupted by the tap of my shoulder, surprised to be able met with the intense gaze of Scotty Smalls.

"Elena, I need to talk to you." He announced, standing on my doorstep as I fumbled to unlock my door.

"What's up, Smalls?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows at his serious expression.

"I know you got Benny to ditch the sandlot with you today," he admitted. "Benny wouldn't just leave the sandlot, even if he was sick."

I was baffled at the words escaping the boy with waves of sea foam coated irises, "Scotty, listen, it's not what you think—"

"It's exactly what I think, what we all think Elena," his icily coated voice sending shivers down my spine.

"What are you talking about?"

"Elena, I liked you, I thought you were going to be different because I've never thought Benny made bad decisions," he began. "The guys warmed up to you quickly because of our hopes at finally experiencing someone new in the group, especially having a girl join."

My face contorted in pain as the words escaped his lips.

"I almost hoped Benny would find a girl that could possibly make him happier in a different sense than the guys and I, but I was wrong," he sighed in disappointment. "You're going to ruin him, Elena."

Unfortunately, I couldn't formulate a coherent answer, leading me to just stand in front of Scotty with my hands falling to my sides and my gaze dropping to the floor.

"Yeah, I know." I croaked, opening my door to slowly walk inside my deserted house.

"I'm sorry I had to be so harsh," he called out, causing me to turn my torso back to face him. "He is my best friend, I hate losing him."

"Scotty, as much as I could waste my words at convincing you otherwise, you're right," my lips twitched into a small smile.

"If you have things to deal with, fix yourself before stringing Benny along," the small boy advised. "He's easily manipulated and just like the rest of us, he's not experienced in any of your departments."

"Yeah, I figured,"

"Elena, as much as it'll hurt you and give up the hopes you've probably had for moving here and having a good summer, don't be selfish," Scotty spoke in a mere whisper as the last words rolled from his lips.

Scotty didn't proceed to say anything else, his outburst of protecting his best friend probably the hardest conversation he had to endure. It was astonishing how he was able to conquer his timidness to protect his friend; a newfound respect for the small boy was enough to mask my own anger and sadness.

I knew if the words mustered from Smalls, the rest of the sandlot boys had to mirror his feelings towards me.

I shut the door once Smalls turned away to trudge back to his magenta house, acceding upstairs to be greeted with guilt and loneliness.

I knew I had to disband my relationship for Benny due to how impacting it had been in the short time span we spent together.

I selfishly strung him along, the protests of those who cared about him merely just words being thrown at me as though I were just a blank wall.

If I cared enough, I'd just leave the boy alone, allow him to stop straying into the terrible and addicting habits we embarked on together.

I even allowed the young sandlot boys to participate in the atrocious habits when they were all just innocent boys trying to play baseball with their friends.

I sighed, plotting my torso upon my bed as my eyes glued themselves to the ceiling, Benny's emerald eyes dancing in my sockets as my eyelids slowly shut for me to engulf myself in unconsciousness.

✱✱✱

The small yet alerting pangs disrupted my slumber as I stirred awake, the peaks of fluorescents piercing my vision as I stood up from my bed.

I cracked my window open, lifting it to look down and see Benny standing there the same way he had the day before.

"Brandon's throwing a party, you wanna go?" He spoke loud enough for me to hear from the second floor, not bothering to shout.

I hesitated, "not tonight Benny, I uh—I have things to do."

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he said, "like what? Your mom isn't home tonight you said?"

"I thought you were supposed to pick up your parents from the airport tonight?"

"I didn't want to go," he deadpanned.

"Instead of going to the stupid party, go home and wait for your parents," I muttered.

"Stupid party?" He appeared irritated at my tone of voice. "That's different—I mean, coming for you and all."

My heart clenched at the words that poured from his lips, but decided to shut the window to prevent my own rage of outbursts.

I knew he saw me the way everyone had; the girl crying to stay away from her house or to stock up on booze and drugs.

I just hadn't anticipated his words to puncture my heart so hard, harder than the other words of everyone else.

I began to have cloying flashbacks of the people I lost, all because I was a burden or because I selfishly wallowed away in drinking to cure my depression.

"Elena, oh my god," Blair exhaled, staring at the piles of empty vodka bottles sprawled in my room.

"What'cha doin' here Blair," I snickered, my intoxicated state still cascaded over my senses.

"I thought you said you'd take a break–" she gestured to the sprawled empty bottles coating my room–"from all of this."

"I can't," I swallowed a sea of tears. "My dad, he—uh he. . ."

Blair angrily yanked me up from my slouched position on the bed, "get the fuck up, Elena, stop this."

I could barely stand as she tried to steady me upon my feet, my neck wobbling around as my eyes stayed shut.

"You fucking promised!" She screamed, her voice breaking in a wobbly tone. "You promised you'd stop doing this to yourself, you let him win like this."

She began crying as she yanked my wrist upwards, the newly peeled skin of lines staining my wrist. She gasped as the realized how far they were traveling up my arm.

My jaded state made it harder for me to tear my wrist from her gasp, allowing her to study the scars that still had dried blood blotching them.

"How. . ." She murmured weakly. "Could you?"

I angrily shoved her off me, swaying to the corner of my room by a window to sit upon the ground with my legs tucked under my neck.

I rocked back in fourth and began to scream in piercing cries, the words of my father burning through me.

"I'm not good enough." I chanted. "I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough."

With the words spilling from my lips and the penetrated screams bursting from my best friend, I fell asleep and silently prayed I wouldn't wake back up.

With the thoughts plaguing my mind, I was reminded on how much I actually lost in the past due to my selfish antics.

But, as cried then, I broke down to the patter of rain trickling down my window.

I cried to everything—my parents, my friends, my life.

As Scotty said, I'd ruin him, the way I ruined everything else.

'You aren't good enough.'

//////an\\\\\\

HEY GUYS!

Sorry I died, I broke my phone and I had so many chapters written and planned :/

thankfully, my phones gonna be back to me tomorrow, so I'll be able to update a lot. Be prepared ;)

I've been up all night, Its literally 6 AM omg.

STAY TUNED!

-nr