SAD GIRL — Lana Del Rey

The sun casted itself through the cracks of my translucent curtains, straining my eyes to twitch open. Stirring awake, I pulled my torso from the comfortable dream I was trying to be engulfed in from the previous night.

My feet hit the cold floor as the thoughts I had been dreading for months were finally becoming reality.

I'm moving today, I internally groaned.

Living in Canada had its perks in spite of the fact that our life here was far from manageable. My mom had finally decided to make a change to the life that was controlling her, unfortunately, I hadn't expected that to make her move out of the country.

I was forced to leave behind the small pile of people I called my close friends and the boy who my heart had been pleading towards for months. I sighed at the euphoric memories that brought small sadness to puncture my nerves but decided to get on with getting dressed to drive with my mom to California.

I threw on a pair of black ripped jeans, a raven crop top with the words 'underrated' bolded in white across it, a denim oversized jacket, and a pair of high top PF flyers. I sported my hair in its natural auburn curls reaching past my shoulders and didn't bother to plaster an ounce of makeup on my face.

I trudged down the stairs of my small house to the sound of rummaging from the kitchen.

"Oh, morning Elena," my mom spoke from under the table searching for what I assumed were the keys to the moving truck. "Are your bags outside?"

"Yeah," I replied dryly, grabbing the last bottle of water left in the now empty freezer.

I sat on the empty dining table that was once filled with flowers and bowls of untouched fruit, draining the contents of my water bottle.

"I found it!" My mom shouted triumphantly raising her hand in the air with her keys. I rolled my eyes quietly at the sight.

"Listen to me Lina, I know what you're thinking—"

"Unless you're a mind reader, no you don't." I interrupted as I crossed my hands over my chest.

"Okay, please just drop the attitude when we get there." She sighed, heaving one last box in her hand as she trailed out the door.

I followed behind her quietly and grabbed the Polaroid I almost forgot of me and my friends from what felt like a century ago. I balanced the small picture of our piercing smiles and lopsided expressions on the palm of my hand, rubbing my index finger over their faces as sadness crept into my heart.

I was the last to exit, so I slammed the door and locked it with the key already placed inside.

Standing back from the house to get a clear view of my old life I couldn't help but feel the pulse of nervousness reverberate through me as I imagined what my new life was about to be.

This was about to be the biggest summer of my life, I just wish I had anticipated how big.

✱✱✱

The car ride consisted of me sleeping to the sound of rock music penetrating my ear and my mom complaining about my lack of enthusiasm towards my newfound life. I, of course, blocked out every irritating thought and drifted to sleep as often as I could.

I hadn't expected the trip to be so long. By the second day, I grew tired of my moms barking that I was completely numb to any command that fell from her lips.

We pulled into the driveway of a small gas station. My mom left to refill the car with gas as I exited the car for some fresh air. I rambled through my jean jacket for a small square box and my lighter. I pulled the long stick of tobacco and balanced it between my pearly white teeth effortlessly, sitting upon the gravel pillars placed in the deserted parking lot.

I inhaled the smoke with ease, avoiding the bombarding of venomous coughs. I couldn't help but feel my nerves settling as the clouds of smoke spilled from my lips.

I kept watching for my mom's presence, already anticipating her sadness of me breaking my promise to quit. I knew deep down she still knew I couldn't give up the addicting habit, especially in the situation we were currently in.

As the long stick came to its filter, I crushed the ashes between my fingers and dug it into the gravel with my foot—running back to the car I was previously seated in.

I ran to my backpack in the back of the car to spray on a small dosage of perfume to mask the scent of tobacco that previously burned in my presence. My mom exited the store with a bag of food and drinks and a phone balanced between her shoulder and ear.

She entered the car in deep conversation with someone, thankfully steering the attention off of me.

She spoke on the phone quietly, placing the bag she had purchased of items from the store upon my lap as she pulled out of the gas station.

I rummaged through the contents of the bag to find my favorite Jones drink and bags of chips and candy. I popped the bottle of the cherry substance and read the fortune I was given.

You will
find more
in your new life
than you bargained
for.

I sighed, taking a swig of the cold liquid and ignored the words that engraved themselves in my head for the rest of the tiresome ride.

✱✱✱

It took us about a week from Toronto to California by drive, we made a pit stop to Vancouver in between to sleep but our journey had been tremendously overwhelming.

We drove into a larger house than my previous one in Canada, this with two stories and a large garage door. It sat between another pink house about the same size and another hoary coated house covered in rocks and exquisite flowers.

I exited the vehicle quietly with my headphones still engulfing me in music. The sound of kid Cudi's up up and away was interlocking me in a trance that I hadn't noticed the tap of my mom's foot impatiently with boxes in her arms and a key dangling from her lips.

"Elena Aurora Russo, get over here and open the door, this box doesn't weigh a feather," My mom shouted with irritation coating her voice.

I grabbed a smaller box and balanced it on my hip as I yanked the keys from her mouth, placing it in the golden lock.

Entering the house, I was greeted with vibrant hues of grey plastered on the walls and an empty living room with a chestnut floor. This house was much bigger than my previous one, but due to my own stubbornness, I didn't let it phase me.

"You like it?" My mother beamed happily, placing the boxes in her hands on a large island in the kitchen.

"Whatever." I sighed in reply. She just shook her head in disapproval.

She walked over to me and grabbed my small frame by my shoulders forcing me to engage in too much eye contact that made goosebumps prick upon the valley of my arms.

"Lina, you're gonna love it here, I know you hate change, but this is our way of escaping the life Toronto gave us," she explained, seriousness pouring from her words. "The life your father gave us."

I moved away from her uncomfortable embrace. "Don't ever call him my father, especially in my presence," I spoke through gritted teeth making my way towards the door.

"Where are you going?" My mother called after me.

"To explore my new life."

✱✱✱

I walked around the driveway of my house digging my PF flyers in the gravel that coated the ground beneath me.

I left my music on blast ignoring the surroundings of the people passing by observing my house. I guess people hadn't lived in this house for so long that the neighbors were curious as to who might be occupying it.

I sat with my legs stretched out on the ground, leaning my torso against my white garage door to stare at the house next to mine.

Surprisingly, a boy with olive toned skin, ruffled raven hair, and a royal blue baseball jersey with the name 'Rodriguez' emerged from the house coated in flowers and rocks. He was undeniably attractive, causing my attention to be averted to only him as though he were the only person to exist.

His hazel orbs coated in a layer of emeralds and citrine scanned me, slowly processing with curiosity as he made his way closer to me. I felt my heart exhilarate as it looked like he got closer, but instead, he continued to walk straight with his eyes still locked on me.

I felt curiosity course through my thoughts as I tried to make out where he was going. Getting the better of me, I began following him from
a far—which in fact was the creepiest thing I'd ever done—but it didn't stop me from trailing with him toward his destination.

He walked about a block away past a store called Vincent's drugstore and made his way to a small and deserted baseball field. There wasn't an inch of grass to coat the ground, instead, fragments of sand were placed over
everything—including the small baseball diamond that contained a group of more boys.

I hid behind an abandoned sign that was tearing itself apart. The sign was sat near the diamond making it easier for me to hear the voices of the boys. I managed to sneak in by hiding behind multiple signs all plastered in rows.

"Benny man, what took you so long, we were 'bouta start without ya," A boy greeted him playfully.

"Sorry DeNuenz, I was actually checking out who just moved next door to me and Smalls, seems like we got a new chick in town,"

"A girl?" Another voice asked, the voice growing closer to the gathered two.

"Yeah man, she seems kinda. . . different," The one who was called Benny answered.

I felt embarrassment flood my features as tints of maroon coated my cheeks. I really hope he hadn't meant in a bad way.

"How so?" The DeNuenz voice asked curiously.

"I don't know man, she just didn't seem like a stuck up kinda girl, she wasn't drenched in makeup or smackin' her lips to some pink bubble gum," Benny snickered.

"Oh no, Benny please don't let that want you to become besties with her, girls are off limits, especially at the sandlot," The other unnamed voice whined.

"Of course man, you think I'm such a wussy that'd I ever play with a girl?" Benny laughed. His laugh was a captivating sound that almost distracted from the words that spilled from his lips.

If it hadn't been said, my cover could not have been blown, but unfortunately, my stubbornness had overcome the composer I was trying to control.

Throwing the beaten sign to the
ground—which formed patches of dust to arise around my ankles—I stomped toward the group of boys with a newfound anger.

"You boys would be lucky to play a girl, who do you think you are, eh?" I shouted to the captivating boy with golden skin and hazel irises, his expression in return was captured in bewilderment and slight amusement.

"Did you follow me?" He asked curiously, a smile threatening to tug his lips.

"I—that doesn't matter, I overheard you guys talking about me and couldn't help but to express my opinion," I retaliated.

"Come on Benny, what's made this chick get her panties in a knot, we were about to start." A chubby boy with a cute round face painted in freckles shouted as the rest of them gathered around us.

"Hush it Ham, I think we've got a girl willing to prove me wrong," Benny snickered, a challenging demeanor beaming from him.

"A girl? Benny, have you completely lost your mind, girls can't play here or better yet
. . . anywhere else," A small boy with large circular framed glasses said, causing me to ball my hands into fists.

"Alright Jackasses, lemme put your money to your mouths, I'll hit a ball out of here right now." I announced, taking the position to bat.

"Woah, so scary, a ball being hit by a
baseball," A short boy with olive skin as well mocked me.

"Okay, Yeah-yeah, let's just let her bat, Kay?" Benny said, handing me a metal bat.

"Yeah yeah, she'll be sorry she ever set foot in our sandlot," The Yeah-yeah kid spoke with every ounce of confidence he could muster in him.

I guess I was going to bruise some egos today.

The dark skinned boy named DeNuenz awaited to pitch to me, smirking as I got nervous from the attention of the others.

"You want it hard, doll face?" He asked with a smirk.

"Give me your best shot, DeNuenz." I replied, digging my feet into the ashes of sand and letting my hands grip the bat.

He engaged into a battle of eye contact; his dark orbs shooting daggers into the centre of mine in attempts at coming off as intimidating. Instead, I felt the pulse of motivation levitate my movements as I awaited the release of the ball.

His right hand twirled and managed to throw a ball that I hit out the park with a crack. My bat whipped the air across my face so hard that my curls brushed my cheeks aggressively. I triumphantly threw my bat to the ground and used my hand to shield my eyes so I could see how far I hit the ball without the blazing sun piercing my vision.

The ball was hit out the park across a rigid metal fence. I turned to the boys with flabbergasted expressions and twirled a curl between my fingers.

"Who are you and why do I just now know of you?" The boy with the rectangular glasses asked in utter amazement. I felt my cheeks betray me of my embarrassment once again.

"Shut it, Squints," Benny chuckled, shaking him slightly by the shoulder. "You're okay, Canada."

"How'd you know I'm from Canada?" I asked the boy in confusion.

"Your accent, and you said 'eh' when you were screaming," He laughed again, the sound entranced my every sense.

"Oh well, uh . . . Thanks, Rodriguez," I smiled playfully, now more confident due to my victory.

"How'd you?. . . " he questioned, quirking an eyebrow.

"Your jersey, I'm assuming it's you since I haven't heard of a player with the name Rodriguez before." I said with the shrug of my shoulders.

"True," he smiled. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the gang, this is Kenny DeNuenz, he goes by his last name," Benny pointed to the dark skinned boy that flashed me a kind smile.

"How do ya do, doll face." He said, shaking my hand. I chuckled in response.

"Next is Mike Palledorous, also known as Squints," he gestured to the boy with the large glasses that wore a dumbfounded expression upon his features.

"Hiya," He smiled.

"And then there's Timmy and Tommy Timmons," Benny gestured to the brothers with golden wisps of hair, the pair engaged in an aggressive argument.

"And lastly, there's Bertram Grover weeks, Alan McClellan we call him Yeah-yeah, Scotty Smalls, and Hamilton Porter." Benny pointed each one out with his slender index finger, each boy returning a kind smile to me making me feel much more comfortable in the atmosphere.

"It's Ham, Benjamin, thank you very much," Ham corrected as he mocked Benny.

I chuckled lightly, "well, I'm Elena Russo, but people call me Lina."

"I like Elena better." Benny commented, brushing past me as he went over to retrieve the bat. The feeling jolted an electric current to pulse through me as goosebumps trailed upon the inch of skin he touched.

"Well, what position do you play Canada?" Benny asked.

"I don't know, I don't mind batting or playing third," I replied with the shrug of my shoulders.

"Alright, you'll bat with me, everyone else take your positions." Benny commanded as he and the boys all walked over to their assigned bases.

I walked over to the diamond awaiting my turn to bat as everyone prepared themselves to play.

"Canada, you can bat first." Benny declared, throwing the bat my way once again and also managing to pierce my vision with the fluorescents highlighting his pupils.

I grabbed the bat and let all my thoughts exhale as I applied my focus on the rest of the game, becoming friends with the once irritating group of boys.

✱✱✱

The game coursed on for a majority of the evening, ending off when vibrant hues of orange kissed the sky alerting us that evening had surfaced after the fun day.

The boys gathered their belongings and took their paths towards home. I ended up walking with Benny and Scotty Smalls.

I walked behind them awkwardly as they engaged in a humorous conversation that caused them to be stricken with oceans of laughter.

"Oh my Smalls, remember how you played last summer? You couldn't even catch a ball," Benny snickered as he pushed the smaller boy lightly.

"Man, I didn't even know who Babe Ruth was," He cried to Benny in laughter.

Smalls didn't know who Babe Ruth was? What a dimwit. I thought to myself as I continued to eavesdrop.

"So Canada, who's your favourite baseball player?" Benny called out to me as they awaited me to catch up to them.

"I don't know much about the MLB, but I'd probably say the great Bambino as cliched as that sounds," I answered, causing Benny to smile.

"Nah, he's my favourite too," Benny beamed.

Smalls stood next to the other side of Benny, obviously feeling out of place. He seemed very timid, but I didn't blame him due to my own shyness.

"So, Smalls right?" I asked, attempting to spark a conversation with him.

"Uh—yeah," He chuckled nervously.

"Sorry Canada, he's new to conversing with the opposite gender, don't mind him," Benny chuckled, slapping his friend on the back of his neck.

"I get it, I'm pretty shy myself," I smiled at Smalls kindly, attempting to make him more comfortable. He smiled at me in response.

We reached our houses, Smalls reluctantly jogged home as his mother came out the door waiting for him with a smile.

"Bye Benny see ya tomorrow," Smalls waved to him. "And, welcome to town Elena, I hope to see you at the sandlot tomorrow."

I beamed with happiness due to Smalls' kindness. I waved at him with a large grin.

"So Canada, you wanna come to the Sandlot tomorrow?" Benny asked as we stood on my driveway.

"I guess, if that's okay with you and your guys," I spoke timidly.

"Yeah, I mean they warmed up to you pretty fast, you're lucky you play well and that you're ho—"

"Elena, get in the house now, where have you been!" My mom shouted from the window of the living room. I groaned as her voice interrupted Benny and I's conversation.

Benny appeared to look as though my mothers disturbance had rescued him from the thoughts about to spill from his lips.

Was he about to call me hot?

"I'll be home in a minute, I was just exploring the neighbourhood!" I shouted back, Benny watching the scene in amusement.

"You should get on with getting home, wouldn't want your mom not to let you out tomorrow, right?" Benny said, walking off my driveway.

Instead of saying bye, he nodded his head toward me with his lips curved into a half smirk, turning back to run to his house on the left side of mine.

I sighed at the beautiful boy that almost made me forget reality. I couldn't help but dread the feeling of walking through my house as my moms irritating voice bounced through the atmosphere lecturing me about multiple things.

"Whatever mom, I'm sorry. I'm going to bed." I declared, trudging up the long staircase.

"Without dinner?" My mom sounded baffled at the thought.

"Yeah, I'm not hungry." I spoke through my pursed lips. She didn't respond as I made my way to my new room.

I threw my torso upon the empty bed that was placed in the centre of my room. The only items in my room being a beige desk in front of the window, and boxes filled with my belongings scattered everywhere.

I threw my jacket off, using it as a pillow as I stared at the blank ceiling in agony. I walked over to retrieve a small jar hidden in my backpack, spilling the substance of marijuana in the palm of my hands. I grabbed the stack of rolling papers and began to roll myself a joint, walking over to my door to lock it in order to avoid the wrath of my mom.

As I quickly prepared the spliff for myself, I skimmed the paper with my tongue, making sure to secure it. I brought the stick of marijuana to my lips, and began to burn it with my lighter.

The atmosphere was engulfed in serenity and clouds of smoke. I began to cough aggressively as I inhaled as much as I could.

I laid upon my bed in silence, placing my earphones in my ear to blare music. The high created me to feel ethereal; almost as though I were gliding upon the clouds that poured from my mouth.

I began laughing at the thoughts I conjured in my head, appearing like a maniac to the eyes of someone sober. I continued to take enough puffs until the small spliff reached its end, causing me to throw it out the window.

A numbness casted itself upon me, my senses trembling in fear. This had happened many times before so I wasn't as afraid of the impact of the high.

I laid on my bed and had visions of the life I was leaving as my music continued to bounce in fragments of my thoughts. A piano piece with velvet keys began to flood my senses, creating euphoria to pour into my system.

I saw my friends; my best friend Blair crying out to me as she rode a giant roller coaster with me for the first time, I saw the first boy I had fallen in love with hug me as he left me to bleed from the overcome of my unrequited love for him, and I saw my other friends all getting drunk with me at my first party, the only sober one driving us around the neighbourhood with shrieks of laughter coming from every seat occupied in the vehicle. Lastly, I saw my dads hand brushing upon the cheeks he left bruises upon as he said the last words he ever said to me before disappearing.

I began to cry—cry to the gods, or the
universe, or whatever it was ruling my life. Why had I been born? Why was I forced to live a cruel life when it wasn't my choice to live. I screamed into the depths of my pillow, pouring out tears from my bloodshot eyes.

My screams were thankfully muffled, until a panic attack began to puncture my system. I felt the air being drained from my lungs as the words my dad had said to me through my life tore the etched pieces of my thoughts as though they were a chrysalis bearing a million butterflies.

Eventually, I managed to grasp the control of my overbearing system, my heart able to pace at a manageable speed that allowed me to breath.

I felt hot tears stain my puffed cheeks as my thoughts continued to spin in fragments.

I fell asleep to the muffled cries pouring from  my lips, my eyes shutting like clams when my crying finally subsided.

Hopefully, the new life I was given wouldn't allow these kinds of nights to grasp me.

\\\\\\\\ a.n ////////

Sorry this was long, it's just because it was the first chapter. I hope I didn't get anyone bored while reading.

Make sure that if anything in this book bothers you, let me know. I'm not sure what time period I'm going to make this take place, but I was thinking near the end of 80's or 90's.

Only because I lowkey belong in the 80's and wish I could live through the years Mike Vitar was my age :((

Anyways, if there's anything specific you'd like me to clarify please let me know.

Also, Elena is played by the girl I put in the media, I found her on Pinterest so I'm unsure of who she is.

Enjoy my new story! x o x o

-nr