xav.

i can't even write this without already crying already.

i've been trying to stop thinking about it, but i feel like such a bad person for not being there for you when you needed someone so fucking badly...

i can't even sleep. i'm scared to sleep. i can just hear the words ringing in my head how i couldn't help you, and i felt so sick in my stomach.

pretending to be HAPPY - what the actual fuck is wrong with me? saying i was fine, when all i could do was try to laugh and pretend i had teary eyes from yawning.

i couldn't help you when you needed someone...

i miss you. your smile. knowing you're happy. laughing. positivity, surprise, sweetness-

i hate it so much! 

i lost you to damn suicide! i couldn't even be there when you needed EMOTIONAL SUPPORT! WHAT AM I? A FRIEND? I DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE THAT TITLE-

you're gone, you're not there, hearing this all at once - for the first hour, i didn't believe it. i still don't really. but some people can't keep their mouth shut about a stupid BUG WITH WATTPAD TO RUIN A FRIENDSHIP AND SAY SHIT - and then my emotional stability is cracked down again and i really got it punched hard in the gut...you're gone forever.

I CAN'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE WHAT OTHERS THINK -

i don't care anymore.

who cares?

i don't mind if anyone does. that's their choice.

my heart aches, i can't stop crying...i love you so much xav, do you know that? i love you. you were always there for me ever since i just gave you a compliment because you were upset...

i always say to people they are queens, goddesses/gods, kings, angels...

guess you're a legitimate angel now.

i can't even breathe - my chest is so tight and i just want to reverse time-

we didn't get to even meet each other, you couldn't get to hang out with your friends, you couldn't get married, get a job, visit the world, make a difference, GET TO LIVE LONGER-

i fucking hate it. 

i was so absorbed in my own family life i couldn't see how you were struggling! i am such a self-absorbed idiot...you needed a friend, and i was the shittiest excuse for one.

do you know how much i miss you? how WE miss you? i want to take it all back-

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS-

you're my friend...my beautiful, great, amazing friend...

i won't ever forget you, you know?

i won't forget you until i die-

I WON'T FORGET YOU FOR ANYTHING. I WILL REMIND MYSELF EVERYDAY OF YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH -

i do! i do - i won't let anyone insult you. i won't let you be forgotten because of all of this. you're the amazing girl i met online. 

who cares if i'm being immature? overreactive? dramatic? i can't even contain it- 

i would do ANYTHING FOR YOU TO COME BACK - ANYTHING - 

please, i want to see you happy again...

i don't want the last time i talked to you being a love heart...

that wasn't enough...