that's calum's outfit

i'm horrible at explaining clothing, just warnin' ya in advance

he baby

you know the drill, italics = play audio

-

[ caluminthehood is online ]

caluminthehood: i'm gonna see you soon my love
caluminthehood: i'm sort of nervous

[ astroash is online ]

astroash: why are you nervous?

caluminthehood: it's been a while
caluminthehood: a lot has changed between us
caluminthehood: i don't know what's gonna happen

astroash: imma cry
astroash: for sure

caluminthehood: :(
caluminthehood: me too
caluminthehood: oh, just so you aren't surprised

astroash: what is it?

caluminthehood: i might've
caluminthehood: done something to my hair

astroash: what did you do?

caluminthehood: you will see

astroash: should i be concerned

caluminthehood: no
caluminthehood: i don't think so
caluminthehood: not about my hair
caluminthehood: about my crumbling mental state, yes
caluminthehood: but it's whatever

astroash: it's not whatever
astroash: i care about you
astroash: and i'm sure you look beautiful angel

caluminthehood: thanks?

astroash: i mean it
astroash: you're perfect
astroash: i'm supposed to tell you every day
astroash: i promised that i'd tell you every day how gorgeous you are

caluminthehood: it's okay
caluminthehood: promises get broken ash

astroash: they're not supposed to
astroash: promises are made to be kept
astroash: and i'm a fucking asshole for not keeping that promise

caluminthehood: you're not an asshole
caluminthehood: i like hearing it, but it doesn't matter
caluminthehood: you have forever to make me feel better, i guess
caluminthehood: it's fine

astroash: you know when
astroash: you look through old photos to see what it used to be like
astroash: what we used to be like
astroash: but then

caluminthehood: but then
caluminthehood: you remember that everything's changed and you get really sad

astroash: yeah

caluminthehood: yeah
caluminthehood: i was doing the same thing earlier...
caluminthehood: wanna see what i found?

astroash: please

caluminthehood:

astroash: didn't mikey take that one

caluminthehood: he took a lot of them
caluminthehood: i was too busy holding your stupid hand
caluminthehood: 💕😡💕😡💕

astroash: oh look at that
astroash: i'm already about to cry

caluminthehood: :(
caluminthehood: this one's horrible but i want you to see it anyways
caluminthehood:

caluminthehood: we were such idiots

astroash: but we were happy

caluminthehood: i don't know what happened

astroash: i stopped lying to myself
astroash: i told you how i felt

caluminthehood: yeah
caluminthehood: i don't have a lot of pictures of us from our second visit
caluminthehood: but i have lots of pictures of you from both

astroash: really?

caluminthehood: yeah
caluminthehood:

caluminthehood:

caluminthehood:

caluminthehood:

caluminthehood: you're stunning

astroash: no

caluminthehood: i don't understand how you can't see it
caluminthehood: you are actually flawless

astroash: no

caluminthehood: yes
caluminthehood: i didn't think it would be wise to send the other photos

astroash: what other photos?

caluminthehood: um
caluminthehood: the ones with like,,,,
caluminthehood: less clothing

astroash: i see

caluminthehood: or y'know
caluminthehood: the videos

astroash: the videos
astroash: mmm
astroash: why wouldn't that be wise?

caluminthehood: because if i look at all the shit we've done together
caluminthehood: i'll have to realize that it might never be the same
caluminthehood: and then i'll cry
caluminthehood: much more than i have been

astroash: oh baby :(
astroash: things are gonna get better, i promise

caluminthehood: it's nice that you finally believe that

astroash: i can't give you up
astroash: you're my everything

caluminthehood: as long as there's a reason for you fight

astroash: 😡💕😡💕😡

caluminthehood: i love you
caluminthehood: i love you i love you i love you
caluminthehood: i LOVE YOU
caluminthehood: just in case you needed to hear that
caluminthehood: I
caluminthehood: LOVE
caluminthehood: YOU
caluminthehood: and you don't need to say it back

-

cliffoconda: dude are you texting him right now
cliffoconda: like rn

caluminthehood: yes

cliffoconda: he's smiling so much
cliffoconda: i haven't seen him like this in so long

caluminthehood: stoooop
caluminthehood: my heart

cliffoconda: i'm not kidding he's so smiley and blushy

caluminthehood: awhhh
caluminthehood: shut up oh my god
caluminthehood: lemme see

cliffoconda: [ attachment: 1 image ]

caluminthehood: AWWE

-

caluminthehood: baby did i make you blush

astroash: noooo
astroash: i'm a grown man i don't blush

caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: but mikey showed me a picture

astroash: liar

caluminthehood: nuh uh
caluminthehood: the cutest lil smile
caluminthehood: i'm gonna keep it forever

astroash: >:(

caluminthehood: you're my precious baby

astroash: no i'm a man

caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: whatever you say

astroash: yeah whatever i say

caluminthehood: shit i have to go ash
caluminthehood: i'm sorry

astroash: oh ok

caluminthehood: i'll see you soon bunny
caluminthehood: ❤❤

astroash: ❤❤

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

[ astroash is offline ]

-

On the plane, Calum had done nothing but worry and fight tears.

Long ago, when things were good between them, he and Ashton had made a joined playlist to listen to when they missed each other.

The entire flight, that was all that Calum listened to.

Inevitably, Calum was within the grip of silent panic. Wild eyes, pupils dilated, heart racing, brain on fire, thoughts firing like a hyped-up internal aurora borealis.

Like a cluster bomb exploding in his brain.

It turned his mind into a mental soup of chaotic thoughts and conflicting instructions.

His brain felt frozen, like it had seized up. A shrill scream unleashed itself within his thoughts.

He felt like he was running aimlessly, but frozen in place. Like his arms were about to flap almost comically, and he was going to throw up.

He hated this feeling that filled him constantly.

But he couldn't do anything about it, so he turned his music up, closed his eyes and let memories of their better days take him away.

-

When Calum landed, his heart was pounding in his chest. To say he was worried would be an understatement. His breath was uneven, his hands were shaking and his eyes stung with tears at the mere though of seeing Ashton in person.

Not because he didn't want to see his love, but because he didn't want to see his love broken.

He knew that Ashton wasn't doing well (physically, emotionally or mentally), and he had no idea how Ashton would react to seeing him.

Whether it would be crying, laughing or yelling, Calum had no idea.

So despite the anxiety that faintly made him regret coming, he grabbed for his carry-on luggage and slowly attempted to make his way out of the plane.

His back ached from sitting so long, and his shirt was probably ruffled. His hair somehow seemed messy although he had hardly any left after cutting it all off in what was called (or should be called) a mental breakdown haircut.

Shortly after then he'd also dyed it blue.

Calum wanted to visit a bathroom before he saw Ashton again. There were two reasons for that. One, because he felt like he was going to throw up, and two, because he wanted to fix his outfit.

He thought he looked horrible.

But anyone who saw him would've argued differently. His long black sleeves still lined up perfectly with his dark Nine Inch Nails t-shirt, both of which were tucked into the skinny jeans that his belt held up.

It would be simpler to say that everything he wore was black.

He also wore a chain necklace, and rings were arranged almost carelessly on the fingers of both hands.

Only one of those rings meant something to him. One of those rings was identical to one that Ashton wore.

At least, Calum hoped that Ashton still wore it.

It had rested there on Calum's finger since they had gotten them. He still wore it because he hadn't given up.

He only hoped that Ashton hadn't either.

His style had changed quite a bit since he saw Ashton last.

When they were together, their outfits were always somehow coordinated. Being apart for a while, especially with all that had changed, had caused him to change as well.

His outfit, his attitude, the way he spoke and even the way he felt things. Everything was different.

He sort of despised himself for it.

What if he hates me because of what I've turned into? Calum thought to himself as he begrudgingly followed the slow-paced passengers out of the plane.

Then his thoughts changed directions.

What if this is all for nothing?

Calum forced himself to believe that it wasn't true. He needed their relationship to be better.
He needed their relationship to be happy again.

He hadn't brought much clothing with him (or much of anything), and his carry-on was a small black duffel.

He wanted the passengers to take forever exiting the plane, that would mean his worries never became reality.

But eventually, as he exited the terminal, he stopped trying to fool himself and accepted the fact that it was too late to turn back.

Immediately wincing from the lighting within the airport, he bit his lip and moved slowly forward, trying to spot Ashton's face.

When he couldn't, he panicked even more. It was worse to not be able to find Ashton.

Then something in his brain clicked. Michael was also with Ashton because he wasn't allowed to be left alone.

All he had to do was find Michael.

It was a solid five minutes of searching before he spotted his love.

Michael had been easier to find, but he could not see Ashton, and therefore did not want to approach.

When his eyes first landed on Ashton, his breathing sped up and he almost dropped his bag.

The older lad was fiddling nervously with the sleeves of his sweater and his gaze was fixed to the floor.

Michael was standing beside him, talking on his phone (most likely to Luke).

Calum bit his lip harshly and stepped forward, almost noiselessly getting closer and closer to Ashton.

But Ashton, for whatever reason, didn't look up. Maybe he couldn't hear the quiet footsteps, or perhaps he didn't recognize Calum.

Maybe Ashton was regretting it, too.

But Calum didn't want to believe that, so he kept walking forward.

Michael noticed him seconds later, only able to give a soft smile due to his continuing conversation on the phone.

Ashton still didn't look up. His eyes were pinched shut and his shoulders slumped forward, purposely making himself seem small and vulnerable (Calum did not understand why).

"My love?" Calum whispered shakily, fiddling with the strap of his bag.

Michael nudged Ashton's shoulder. Ashton's eyes snapped open. "Callie?"

"Yeah baby. It's me." Calum began to set his bag down. "Are you gonna let me look at you?"

Michael stepped away to give the reunited couple some space.

Ashton slowly lifted his head. His eyes widened as he studied Calum's face. He quickly threw himself into Calum's arms, threading his fingers through the tanned lads hair.

Calum's eyes welled with tears as he draped his arms around Ashton's waist and pulled him as close as he possibly could.

"Your h-hair-!" Ashton squeaked into Calum's neck, "It's a-all gone--It's b-blue!"

"Yeah." Calum murmured absentmindedly, at a loss for words.

Hot tears had begun to roll down Ashton's cheeks and onto Calum's neck.

"I've got you, baby." Calum cooed, holding Ashton tighter. "You're okay."

"I m-missed you s-s-so much." Ashton sobbed quietly.

"I know, I know." By this point, Calum was crying too. "But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

Ashton pulled his face from Calum's neck and rested their foreheads together. His fingers still combed through the blue roots of Calum's hair.

Calum let out a shaky breath and stared into Ashton's glossy eyes. Both of them were crying and their lips were forming words but no sound past them.

"I love you s-so much." Calum choked out quietly. "I don't c-care if you say i-it back, but I-"

"I love y-you too." Ashton interrupted softly, tears still trickling down his face. His hands slid down and cupped Calum's jaw. "More than anything, I swear."

Calum's heart warmed. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear that.

"I'm so sorry, Ash. For e-everything. It's m-my fault that this h-happened, and I-I'm so s-sorry."

Ashton shook his head and smiled sadly. It looked more like a grimace. "N-no, I'm sorry. This is m-my fault, I knew I n-needed help but I refused to accept it. I'm s-s-so sorry, Callie."

Calum still didn't believe that it was anyone's fault but his. "Please just let me hold you."

So Ashton did.

-

Calum and Ashton were suckers for cheesy romantic gestures.

They spent a lot of time dancing and singing to one another (mostly in the kitchen, because they loved clichés). On some occasions, they had even written their own songs together.

They had drifted apart, but one thing between them that would never change was their love for music.

They needed something to bring them back together again, so once Calum had set his bag in Ashton's bedroom, he rejoined the older lad in his kitchen.

At this point, Ashton wasn't sure if he could cry anymore.
Calum was unknowingly about to test that.

Ashton's back rested against the granite countertop. His eyes were puffy and his lips were red. His hands were tucked tightly into the sleeves of his hoodie, making sweater paws that Calum thought were absolutely adorable.

Despite Ashton's reddened features and weak stature, Calum still found him stunning.

"Hi, bunny." Calum cooed, placing his arms carefully around Ashton's waist once again. He seemed fragile, and Calum didn't want him to break.

Ashton kept his eyes to the floor. He stepped forward and pulled Calum closer to him, wrapping his arms tightly around his love's neck. "Hi."

"Why won't you look at me, Ash?"

"I'll cry again." Ashton brought one hand up to touch Calum's hair. "This is my fault."

"What makes you think I didn't just want to cut my hair?"

"I've done it before, Callie." Ashton smiled sadly, remembering. "When you can't control anything, you change one small insignificant something that makes you feel like you have control."

"Maybe you're right." Calum murmured softly, beginning to rock slowly back and forth. "Doesn't matter though."

Ashton nodded and rested his chin on Calum's shoulder. "I like it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Ashton repeated fondly. "It suits you, makes you seem...."

He paused, trying to find the right word.

"Older, maybe. More mature. Like you're the daddy and I'm the baby of the relationship." He chuckled halfheartedly at himself. "I guess I am."

"Having emotions does not make you a baby, Ashton."

"Okay." Ashton agreed, and nothing more was said for a while.

Both of them assumed that they weren't going to be able to fix whatever problems they had. They weren't going to admit it to each other, but they both thought it.

Out loud, they decided to lie to each other (and themselves) about how they really thought.

Maybe that would help. Maybe it wouldn't.

But it couldn't possibly do any more damage, right?

"There's no reason, there's no rhyme."

Calum's soft voice cut through the silence that deafened them.

"I've found myself blindsided by a feeling that I've never known."

Calum took a shaky breath and held his love as close to him as he could.

"I'm dealing with it on my own."

Ashton hid his face in Calum's neck.

"Phone is quiet, walls are bare. I drink myself to sleep, who cares?"

They missed being close like this.

"No one even has to know, I'm dealing with it on my own."

There were so many things they needed to say to each other, but their own words simply would not work.

"I got way too much time to be this hurt."

Calum's voice cracked.

"Somebody help, it's getting worse."

Ashton whimpered softly. Already he was near tears.

"What do you do with a broken heart?"

Calum didn't know how long he could sing, his voice was already failing him.

"Once the light fades, everything is dark."

A shaky breath passed Ashton's lips as Calum sang to him. He didn't know how, but he hated and loved this at the same time.

"Way too much whiskey in my blood, I feel my body giving up."

Calum's eyes brimmed with tears.

"Can I hold on for another night? "

Ashton let out a choked sob.

"What do I do with all this time? "

Calum wished he hadn't done this to himself. It hurt, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Every thought's when it gets late, put me in a fragile state."

Ashton decided that he was emotionally incapable of handling this.

"I wish I wasn't going home, dealing with it on my own."

Calum wanted them to be better. He knew they could make it.

"I'm praying but it's not enough."

But Ashton had already given up.

"I'm done, I don't believe in love."

Calum hated that lyric. He loved Ashton more than anything.

"Learning how to let it go, dealing with it on my own."

Tears fell quickly from Calum's chocolate brown eyes.

"I got way too much time to be this hurt, somebody help it's getting worse."

Ashton wanted to be better, but he didn't believe in himself.

"What do you do with a broken heart? "

Calum held Ashton tighter.

"Once the light fades, everything is dark."

It was all he could do to make sure his love was okay.

"Way too much whiskey in my blood, I feel my body giving up."

They rocked slowly in each other's arms. So much was wrong between them, but being together felt right.

"Can I hold on for another night? "

Ashton was so tired.

"What do I do with all this time? "

He decided to join Calum for the next verse.

"I drive circles under street lights, nothing seems to clear my mind, I can't forget."

Calum was so glad Ashton sang with him. His voice was too shaky to continue on his own.

"It's inside my head so I drive chasing Malibu nights."

Ashton's voice broke. This song meant so much to him, and so did Calum.

"Nothing seems to heal my mind, I can't forget."

Calum kissed his love's forehead.

"I got way too much time to be this hurt."

Ashton practically melted into Calum's arms.

"Somebody help, it's getting worse."

Tears continued falling from Calum's eyes.

"What do you do with a broken heart? "

Ashton sniffled into Calum's neck.

"Once the light fades, everything is dark."

Calum tightened his grip on Ashton's waist.

"Way too much whiskey in my blood, I feel my body giving up."

Ashton's lips rested on Calum's collarbone.

"Can I hold on for another night? "

They still didn't feel close enough.

"What do I do with all this time? "

It was a horrible feeling.

"I drive circles under street lights, nothing seems to clear my mind, I can't forget."

Ashton felt weak.

"It's inside my head so I drive chasing Malibu nights."

Calum couldn't even bring himself to smile.

"Nothing seems to heal my mind, I can't forget."

Their bond seemed to be fading.

"It's inside my head so I drive, chasing Malibu nights."

As the song came to an end, Calum and Ashton both realized how empty they felt.

Ashton lifted his face from Calum's neck.

Calum took one look at Ashton's tear stained cheeks and felt his heart shatter for the millionth time.

Ashton seemed to be able to see right through Calum.

His hands still brushed soothingly through his love's hair.

Without even thinking, Calum leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. Their lips were just centimeters apart when he realized what he was doing and pulled away, feeling ashamed.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"It's okay." Ashton cooed, pulling Calum closer again.

"No it's not, I didn't ask..." Calum's eyes fell to the ground.

"Angel, look at me."

Calum reluctantly lifted his gaze and locked their eyes together.

"It's okay. You don't have to ask every time."

"Yes I do-"

Ashton interrupted him by placing their lips together.

Calum was shocked at first, but he melted into Ashton's arms and let his love lead him in a soft, emotion-filled kiss.

They were complete and total messes, but they still loved each other.

Calum was first to pull away. He slowly licked his lips and leaned his forehead against Ashton's. His eyes remained shut.

"Things are gonna get better, right?"

"I don't know." Ashton honestly replied.

Calum sighed and whispered, "But we're gonna try...Please?"

"Okay." Ashton murmured softly.

But he had no hope left.

-

this is garbage aha

10.8k y'all are amazing

thank you so much

love you

-