[ astroash is online]

astroash: cally?

[ caluminthehood is online ]

caluminthehood: hi my love

[ caluminthehood is calling ]

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"Ash, I'm so sorry for what I said yesterday." Calum apologized frantically as soon as Ashton answered the facetime. "I made it seem like you didn't deserve people caring about you, but that's so not true. I'm just really stressed, and I know it's not an excuse but—"

"Baby, it's fine. I promise." Ashton interrupted softly, making sure to enjoy every second that he saw Calum's beautiful face. "I was being an asshole. I shouldn't complain about having Mikey there for me. H-he could've just let me d-die."

His voice broke when he spoke that last sentence. It made Calum feel worse, if possible. He didn't want Ashton to think about what could've happened, because it hadn't happened, and Calum planned on keeping it that way.

"I know I'm not making you feel better, my love." Calum took a deep breath. "I know I'm stressing you out, and for that I'm sorry. But will you please tell me what's wrong?"

It was silent for a moment, then Calum whispered, "I want to help you get better. I need you to be o-okay."

"I can try." Ashton weakly replied.

"That's all I ask."

The older lad inhaled deeply. "I feel useless, like a w-waste of space. I don't know why, but everything just hurts so bad and no matter how hard I try, it doesn't get better."

Calum closed his eyes. The way that Ashton spoke and the way he looked when he spoke; Calum swore it broke his heart.

And Calum didn't know what to ask next, so he settled for, "Why does it hurt, Ashy?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Ashton snapped rather harshly. As soon as the words left his lips, he slapped a hand over his mouth. "Shit, I'm sorry, I haven't slept in forever—"

"It's fine, baby." Calum cooed. "I understand."

"I can't sleep without you here-" Ashton shyly whispered.

"I know." The Maori lad agreed. "I'm the same way."

There was an awkward pause that both of them absolutely loathed. They could feel their relationship changing, and they didn't know if it was for better or for the worse. They wanted it to be the first option, but feared that it was more likely the latter. Calum opened his eyes before speaking again.

"Does this feeling have anything to do with your job?" He asked quietly, the awkwardness still hanging over him.

"Yes." Ashton replied desolately. "I did it because I had to, or I thought I did. They made me feel weak—I hurt so many people, and I feel awful..."

"But you didn't choose that job, my love."

Ashton dropped his gaze to the floor and let out a breathy noise that could've been laughter if he wasn't so sad. "Yes I did."

"You did?" Calum whispered, pain expressed clearly on his face. "Please explain."

Ashton knew that this wasn't going to end well for him, but Calum deserved an explanation. "I did owe Harry. I had to make it up to him. The last job was exactly that; the last job. But I...I chose to be doing it before then."

Calum wanted to scream because Ashton had lied to him, but the only response he could think of was to cry. "Please keep talking. Keep talking 'cause I don't know what I'll do if you don't."

And now Ashton was the one who wanted to cry. "I-it's just really good money, a-and I loved spoiling y-you-"

Calum didn't respond. He wanted to, but he was afraid of what would happen if he did.

"I'm so s-sorry for lying-" Ashton buried his face in his hands and tugged harshly at his raven-coloured hair. "That's not a good enough reason—I don't know w-why I did it."

"So you lied again." Calum whispered to himself in disbelief. "I'm gonna pretend that there was a good reason for this so my head doesn't fucking explode."

"I'm so f-fucking sorry." Ashton murmured, feeling tears threaten to fall.

"I don't know why you thought you couldn't tell me." Calum bit his trembling lip. "I've always been here for you, but you'll never talk to me when something's wrong-"

"I'm s-sorry." Ashton kept apologizing. He knew that his apologies wouldn't fix it, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Ashton, it's not even what you lied about." Calum muttered sadly. "I can overlook the psychopathic job—I always have—but you refused to tell me the truth and I don't understand why."

"I d-don't know either, Cally. I'm so s-sorry."

"Why don't you trust me?" Calum quietly pondered. "Haven't I proven to you by now that you can trust me? That I'm never going to hurt you?"

"You h-have, you have, I s-swear." Ashton replied quickly. "I do trust y-you, Calum."

"You really don't act like it." Calum muttered harshly. "I mean honestly, Ashton. You've fucking murdered people and that was okay with me. I don't know why, but it was. Even though you're essentially an assassin, I still love you more than anything. I'd still die and kill for you. And after all of that, after all of this, it's easier to lie? I thought I fucking knew everything, Ash." His voice broke at that last sentence. "Clearly I don't, and I won't bother lying, it hurts."

Now the silence that filled both of their ears was not awkward, but sad, heartbroken and ashamed. In that time, they both simply allowed each other to cry. Hot, quick and noiseless tears rolled down Ashton's cheeks, passed his lips and fell onto his pants. Slow, gentle tears slipped from Calum's chocolate brown eyes; it was as if he had none left to cry, but they kept coming. As if he could no longer feel emotion, but felt everything all at once.

They hated this with such a passion, a passion as strong as--on better days--they had loved each other with. They didn't want to fight or have secrets, but they both knew that they were broken in different ways that love simply could not fix. And unfortunately, those stupid little things came with their brokenness.

They thought they could make each other better, but deep down they knew that nothing they did would ever be enough to take away the other's pain.

"Do you hate me?" Ashton finally whispered, unable to look up from the floor. "I understand if you hate me.."

He wanted to see Calum's face, he needed to, but he simply couldn't.

"I could never hate you." Calum replied. "I love you, Ashton. I love you so fucking much, that's why this hurts."

"I just thought l-lying would be e-easier." Ashton murmured in between sobs. "I-I'm sorry-"

Calum stayed silent for a long moment. He felt utterly broken. His chest felt heavy, his head and heart ached, his eyes burned from crying and his entire body now trembled with worry because of this new and stressful situation.

But even through all of that, he knew Ashton felt worse.

"Y'know what?" Calum suddenly spoke up, not excitedly but somehow more energized than he was before. He supposed that stress did that to a person.

"What?" Ashton immediately asked, frightened almost beyond words. "No, please don't do what I think you're gonna do, Cally, I can't handle it—"

Calum almost smiled at Ashton's vulnerability, then mentally cursed himself for it. His boyfriend's mental state was not something to smile about, especially when it was deteriorating seemingly by the second. He sighed softly and whispered, "Ashton, love, relax. I'm not going to break up with you."

Ashton let out a breath of relief and a few more tears fell down his face.

"But I...I don't want to talk anymore right now."

Ashton swore he felt his heart shatter. Suddenly he couldn't breathe and all he could see was black.

He felt an anxiety attack bubble in his chest, like a cluster of spark plugs, now in his abdomen. Tension grew in his face and limbs, his mind replaying the last attack he had. His breathing became more rapid, more shallow. In the moments before his personal hurricane, he understood the drug addict, the alcoholic, and the smoker. Anything to stop the primal urge to flee.

His vision blurred, black spots dancing across his hazel eyes as he attempted to focus on anything other than the lack of oxygen in his lungs and the weakness in his body.

Calum swallowed and bit at his lip once more. "I-I'm sorry. I don't want to say anything I'll regret. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

Ashton nodded, but his head remained to the floor. He didn't want Calum to see him crying. And then, almost immediately, he realized: Calum had seen him cry more than anyone else had.

"I love you." Calum reminded him. "I'm never gonna stop loving you, Ash."

Ashton tried to take a deep breath, but ended up clutching his hair in a panic as he leaned forward and sobbed even louder.

"Please—I don't wanna hurt you-" Calum choked out.

In that moment, Michael came into the room, immediately at Ashton's side, coaxing him through this—whatever this was.

Calum found himself feeling physical pain as Michael held onto Ashton's hand and slowly rubbed his back. It wasn't jealousy because he knew that Michael was happy with Luke, but it hurt in a different way because he could not be there to help Ashton, and therefore no longer felt close to him.

"Breathe, my love-" Calum whispered, feeling useless. He couldn't even breathe himself, but his sole concern was Ashton.

"Don't you think he's fuckin' trying?" Michael snapped. His attention turned to Ashton. "You're gonna be okay, Ashy. Whatever it is, you'll get through it."

Ashton continued to sob, muttering random things to himself under his breath. It had been so long since he'd felt like this. He felt weak and stupid because now everyone he loved had seen him at his worst. And his worst was starting to show a lot more than his best.

That, more than anything else, made him want to give up.

"Ashton, I'm so sorry." Calum muttered sadly. "I didn't mean to do this to you-"

"What did you do?" Michael growled at Calum. "How did you hurt him?"

"I didn't do a-anything!" Calum breathlessly cried.

"Bullshit." Michael sneered. "This doesn't just happen to him. What did you do?"

"He lied to me." Calum murmured. "I just needed a break."

"Are you trying to kill him?" Michael almost shrieked. Calum was taken aback slightly by this reaction.

"You're his everything! Even just a day away from you will ruin him!"

"R-right...h-here..." Ashton choked out in between ragged breaths. "C-c-can hear y-you."

"D'you wanna go lay down, Ashy?" Michael murmured so quietly that Calum had to strain his ears to just barely hear the sentence.

Ashton nodded and whispered something into Michael's ear that Calum tried to catch but simply couldn't.

Ashton stood up and walked away, brushing tears from his eyes as he slowly left the screen. This instantly unleashed a new wave of tears from Calum's eyes. He didn't even have time to tell Ashton that he loved him before he left.

And Michael's voice was much softer than before when he whispered, "Why do you keep doing this to him?"

"Doing what?" Calum quietly asked. "He lied to me! I only said that I needed a little break, Mike. It wasn't like I was giving up on him!"

"You may not have been leaving him, but a 'break' as you call it would hurt him just as much."

Calum continued to cry. "I don't mean to hurt him. Me being apart of his life has completely ruined him."

"No, no, no. You being apart of his life is the only reason he's still alive." Michael bit his lip, then mumbled, "Even if he tried to end it."

"I've broken him." Calum whispered to himself. His attention then turned to Michael. "I've completely broken him, Mike."

Michael sighed, "He's always been broken, Calum. You've just figured out that you can't fix him."

Calum let out another choked sob. "I want him to be better."

"We all do, mate." Michael muttered. "He wants to be better too. But he just doesn't know how."

"This hurts so much." Calum whimpered to himself in between sniffles. "He's my everything, I can't imagine my life without him."

"He's my best friend, Cal. I don't wanna let him go either."

"So don't."

Michael looked at him in confusion.

"Don't let him go. Even if you hate me, which I totally understand, keep him alive for yourself." Calum licked over his lips, tasting the salt from the tears that had yet to stop. "Even if we don't make it, even if we end up close as strangers, make sure he stays alive. I know I don't deserve him, but the world deserves him, Mike, and he deserves the world."

And by this point, Michael was crying as well. "God, you two make me sick."

Calum didn't understand the context of that statement.

"You only care about each other. You'd actually give each other up so the other could be happy. When are you going to realise that you'll only be happy with each other?"

Calum shook his head. He knew the answer; never.

And he and Ashton were both idiots, because they only wanted the best for each other but were unable to realize that happiness was only with them when they were with each other.

The two stayed quiet for a minute or two. Calum finally was able to level out his breathing and dry his face of tears.

Calum didn't want to talk about their relationship anymore. They had established that it was a sensitive topic, and neither had anything more to say about it.

Instead of speaking about that, Calum quietly inquired, "Was he happy when you met him?"

Michael swallowed thickly, locked his eyes with Calum's and allowed a small smile to make its way onto his face as he replied softly, "Yes."

And Calum almost smiled at the thought. "What was he like when he was younger?"

"So fucking sweet, Cal. It was adorable how innocent he seemed." Michael felt tears well in his own eyes again. "He played every instrument he could get his hands on, picked flowers for me and made lil' crowns out of them. It was the cutest shit. It fucked with my image, but I wore those flower crowns everywhere just to make him smile. He was so happy until he met Nick."

Calum visibly tensed at the name.

"When Nick started coming around, Ash would change every little detail about himself so that asshole would like him. I watched him do it."

Calum's frown deepened.

"Ash hated sports, but when Nick was around, he was the biggest fan on earth. When Nick was with him, he was quiet and distant and...He seemed trained. TV shows, movies, music artists. His taste in everything change when that fucker was around."

Calum sighed sadly. His tears made an unwelcome reappearance.

"When the bruises started showing up-" Michael's voice cracked. "He wouldn't let me touch him anymore. He would hardly talk, he never even ate or drank anything."

Calum let out another quiet cry.

"The worst part is I watched it happen." And now Michael was fully sobbing. "He was such a good liar, Calum, you have no idea. I swear, if I knew what was going on, I would've stopped it."

"I know, Mikey. I know."

Michael sniffled and eventually continued, "When he finally told me, I asked him why he waited so long and his response was: I thought you wouldn't believe me. And every time I think about it, it breaks my heart."

Calum shook his head, hoping that maybe it would clear away his dark, loud and overwhelming thoughts.

They spent the next few minutes letting out quiet sobs and apologizing to one another for their actions.

And little did both of them know that Ashton had been listening from outside the door.

-

so it's been 13 days

i'm sorry

happy december

take your meds (if you have to), drink some water, have something to eat, stretch those DAMN GOREGOUS LEGS OF YOURS, reply to a text or do that fuckin assignment

yeah i see you

do it

anygay, love y'all ♡

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