{ trigger warning: mentions of suicide, rape and self harm }

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caluminthehood: ashton
caluminthehood: daddy
caluminthehood: my love
caluminthehood: baby
caluminthehood: bunny
caluminthehood: my king
caluminthehood: sexiest drummer alive
caluminthehood: sexiest man alive

[ astroash is online ]

caluminthehood: oh yeah of course THAT got your attention

astroash:

caluminthehood: what's wrong?

astroash: i don't know

caluminthehood: that's okay
caluminthehood: you don't need to know
caluminthehood: where's mikey?

astroash: sleeping i think

caluminthehood: where are you?

astroash: in my room, on my bed

caluminthehood: you're not gonna do anything bad right?

astroash: no
astroash: but guess what i found

caluminthehood: i don't know

astroash:

caluminthehood: ashton

astroash: aren't they pretty?

caluminthehood: don't you fucking dare

astroash: i'm fine

caluminthehood: i'm telling michael and he's gonna take them away from you

astroash: cally
astroash: baby
astroash: i was looking at pictures of them online
astroash: i don't actually have them
astroash: anymore
astroash: mike took all of them away
astroash: but if i was gonna use any of them, i'd use the bottom one and the second one from the top

caluminthehood: don't fucking do that to me you asshole
caluminthehood: i don't wanna fucking hear what you'd kill yourself with
caluminthehood: i don't want you to die

astroash: i'm sorry
astroash: i didn't mean to worry you

caluminthehood: well it worries me that THAT is what you're spending your time looking at

astroash: what do you want me to watch instead?
astroash: porn?

caluminthehood: i don't care
caluminthehood: but i don't want you looking at those
caluminthehood: wishing you had them

astroash: i'm not gonna deny that i wish i had them
astroash: but i'm talking to you instead of hurting myself
astroash: if i truly wanted to end my own life, there is plenty of other ways to do so
astroash: mikey has to leave me alone sometimes
astroash: like when i shower and such

caluminthehood: sigh
caluminthehood: goddamn it ash
caluminthehood: how am i supposed to take care of you and myself
caluminthehood: you're acting like a child and making me feel bad

astroash: i'm not trying to make you feel bad calum
astroash: i'm trying to feel better but it's not that simple
astroash: i can't just fucking wake up and tell myself that i'm happy and BAM be stoked about being alive

caluminthehood: i know
caluminthehood: i just miss the old us
caluminthehood: we didn't fight and i thought i was the emotionally unstable one
caluminthehood: you made me feel better instead of making me wanna cry

astroash: i don't mean to make you feel bad
astroash: i feel awful too

caluminthehood: i'm a horrible boyfriend

astroash: no you're not

caluminthehood: yes i am
caluminthehood: you need me to make you feel happy or at least content and here i am pissed at you for needing my help
caluminthehood: i don't even know why i'm angry at you
caluminthehood: i told you that this couldn't work if both of us aren't in a healthy state of mind

astroash: what are you saying?

caluminthehood: i'm simply being open
caluminthehood: both of us are in bad places mentally and my words were the cause of your actions
caluminthehood: you may have been hurt before i said what i said but me saying it was what set you off

astroash: i should've just said i would bottom
astroash: you would've stopped talking and i would definitely have been lying but at least i wouldn't have a babysitter

caluminthehood: is that what you're worried about?
caluminthehood: having someone take care of you?
caluminthehood: i can't believe you
caluminthehood: that's fucked up ashton
caluminthehood: instead of worrying about other people
caluminthehood: <your mentally unstable worried-as-fuck boyfriend> perhaps
caluminthehood: you're angry because someone is making sure YOU are okay

astroash: i'm not angry
astroash: slightly annoyed, yes
astroash: not angry

caluminthehood: do you know what i got when i tried to take my own life?

astroash: no

caluminthehood: i got yelled at because 1) i didn't do it properly and 2) because i should've been able to handle my emotions better
caluminthehood: you get a friend to stay with you and take care of you and you don't have to work or earn anything you're getting
caluminthehood: but i got banished from my family for being depressed

astroash: baby i'm sorry
astroash: that's horrible

caluminthehood: i do not seek your pity
caluminthehood: i want you to understand that you're complaining about a great thing that has been given to you

astroash: i know and i'm sorry
astroash: i'm an asshole but i can't help it

caluminthehood: i'm gonna go before i say something i don't mean

astroash: oh
astroash: okay

caluminthehood: i'm sorry
caluminthehood: i love you, please don't ever forget that ❤

[ caluminthehood left the chat ]

[ astroash is offline ]

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caluminthehood: luke
caluminthehood: help

hemmotional: you could start a conversation normally you know
hemmotional: like "hey luke how are you"
hemmotional: i'm fine thanks for asking
hemmotional: petunia is doing well

caluminthehood: why would i do that?

hemmotional: not a clue
hemmotional: proceed

caluminthehood: you'd best be sitting

hemmotional: yeah okay

caluminthehood: so ashton and i had a fight about a week ago
caluminthehood: about some bad shit that happened to him (it's not my business to tell)
caluminthehood: and he kind of tried to kill himself over what i said to him

hemmotional: oh
hemmotional: well mikey kinda told me part of that but wOW

caluminthehood: i know
caluminthehood: and the worst part is that he's been feeling bad for a while and refused to tell me

hemmotional: tell me what you said maybe

caluminthehood: if i tell you that i have to tell you what happened to him

hemmotional: if you don't want to, i won't ask again

caluminthehood: fine okay
caluminthehood: he was raped
caluminthehood: and from what i understand, more than once

hemmotional: well shit
hemmotional: why are you telling me this?

caluminthehood: i need somebody to talk to

hemmotional: okay
hemmotional: so what did you say

caluminthehood: i said that he was blaming me for what happened
caluminthehood: and that he was forcing himself to be with me
caluminthehood: he said that he didn't truly need to have sexual relations, and i said something bad

hemmotional: ....

caluminthehood: i said
caluminthehood: "it must be so hard to fuck someone's brains out"
caluminthehood: "so emotionally draining"

hemmotional: this is so much drama my eyes are sweating

caluminthehood: shut the fuck up

hemmotional: so what do you want from me?

caluminthehood: advice??

hemmotional: well he's still alive or you'd be sobbing and i'd be able to hear you

caluminthehood: obviously

hemmotional: what do you want me to say?

caluminthehood: something helpful p e r h a p s

hemmotional: okay
hemmotional: make sure he knows you're sorry
hemmotional: and tell him you love him a lot
hemmotional: apologize for the shitty things ya said
hemmotional: and try to make sure it doesn't happen again

caluminthehood: i just miss how it used to be
caluminthehood: when i thought i was the more fucked up one and he made me feel better

hemmotional: things are changing constantly
hemmotional: the only thing we can rely on staying the same is the fact that nothing stays the same

caluminthehood: when did you get so wise

hemmotional: i don't know
hemmotional: but listen to me
hemmotional: you're being kind of an asshole
hemmotional: "he made me feel better"
hemmotional: "i thought i was more fucked up"
hemmotional: he's suffered more than you
hemmotional: i get that he's hurting which by default hurts you, but clearly he's been hurt more
hemmotional: you don't need more people to pity you

caluminthehood: i know
caluminthehood: it's just that he's complaining about having mikey there for him
caluminthehood: michael is essentially surrendering his life to take care of ashton and he can't be bothered to appreciate it
caluminthehood: i shouldn't be pissed at him but i am and i feel awful

hemmotional: you're allowed to be angry
hemmotional: ashton is your boyfriend and he loves you but he decided not to tell you how he was feeling
hemmotional: that's on him
hemmotional: you are not at fault for that
hemmotional: although you shouldn't have said some of those things to him

caluminthehood: i know
caluminthehood: but i was upset because he basically said he doesn't trust me
caluminthehood: and that kinda hurts because i trust him completely

hemmotional: i love you man, but that still doesn't make it okay
hemmotional: you should have just left, you didn't need to say those things

caluminthehood: i know

hemmotional: but i guess i understand where you were coming from

caluminthehood: you do?

hemmotional: i do
hemmotional: you don't trust me at all really
hemmotional: but i'd trust you with my life

caluminthehood: if i didn't trust you, you wouldn't be allowed to watch duke
caluminthehood: that dog owns my entire heart

hemmotional: what about ashton?

caluminthehood: i'm kinda upset at him but yes i love him more than anything

hemmotional: oh god i've been shot right in my feels

caluminthehood: <cashton is the superior ship>

hemmotional: but muke?

caluminthehood: "bUT mUKe"
caluminthehood: no

hemmotional: okay fine
hemmotional: but i love mikey

caluminthehood: does he know this??

hemmotional: ahah no

caluminthehood: why haven't you told him?

hemmotional: cause he probably doesn't love me back

caluminthehood: gimme a second

hemmotional: why

caluminthehood: i can fix my relationship later i wanna help yours

hemmotional: yikes okay
hemmotional: knock yourself out

caluminthehood: after this

[ caluminthehood left the chat ]

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caluminthehood: hey mikey

cliffoconda: hi calum
cliffoconda: do you need something?

caluminthehood: tell me how you feel about luke

cliffoconda: um
cliffoconda: how is that your business?

caluminthehood: oh my god
caluminthehood: you looove him

cliffoconda: uh no

caluminthehood: yes you dooo
caluminthehood: you love him
caluminthehood: MUKE IS REAL

cliffoconda: what are you trying to accomplish?

caluminthehood: i'm distracting myself from the tension in my relationship by getting involved in yours

cliffoconda: okay then
cliffoconda: it is not your business if i love luke or not

caluminthehood: so you do
caluminthehood: ooooh yes

cliffoconda: fine
cliffoconda: i love him
cliffoconda: are you happy?

caluminthehood: yeah sure
caluminthehood: okay byeee

cliffoconda: wait what
cliffoconda: CALUM DON'T

[ caluminthehood left the chat ]

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caluminthehood: yeah i don't think you have to worry about mikey not loving you

hemmotional: why do you say that

caluminthehood: talk to him yourself

hemmotional: you're so difficult
hemmotional: but damnit i love you

caluminthehood: love you too mate

hemmotional: wait what really

caluminthehood: yeah
caluminthehood: i mean, i don't care what happened with jaden
caluminthehood: it was a long time ago and we were stupid and young
caluminthehood: i don't care about what you did or didn't do
caluminthehood: you're my best friend and i can't live without you

hemmotional: finally i can die happy

caluminthehood: you don't get to die
caluminthehood: that would be so fucked up tho
caluminthehood: if all of us died at the end 👀

hemmotional: the end of what??

caluminthehood: never mind that
caluminthehood: go get your man

hemmotional: okay

[ hemmotional left the chat ]

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

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hemmotional: hi mikey

cliffoconda: people are texting me on purpose
cliffoconda: what's happening to the world

hemmotional: i have something to say to you

cliffoconda: did i do something wrong

hemmotional: no baby of course not
hemmotional: you're amazing, always are

cliffoconda: okay
cliffoconda: what is it then?

hemmotional: i love you

cliffoconda: oh
cliffoconda: i love you too

hemmotional: so what did you do today

cliffoconda: made sure ashton didn't die—same thing i've been doing for a week or so

hemmotional: right
hemmotional: i talked to calum today

cliffoconda: me too

hemmotional: he doesn't hate me
hemmotional: i'm so glad

cliffoconda: you're luke hemmings how on earth could anyone hate you

hemmotional: i don't know
hemmotional: wow we were so chill about those i love you's

cliffoconda: yeah
cliffoconda: actually my hands are shaking and i'm probably blushing super hard
cliffoconda: scratch that
cliffoconda: definitely blushing super hard
cliffoconda: ashton just made the dumbest face at me

hemmotional: aw kitten
hemmotional: i made you blush

cliffoconda: shut up lu

hemmotional: never
hemmotional: cause you looove mee

cliffoconda: don't make me cry
cliffoconda: i will do it

hemmotional: no baby please don't cry

cliffoconda: okay fine
cliffoconda: god i miss you

hemmotional: i miss you too sugar
hemmotional: we can see each other again soon i promise

cliffoconda: i want your hugs

hemmotional: and i wanna give em to you babe

cliffoconda: what am i supposed to do when i have an anxiety attack or something?
cliffoconda: like, ash knows how to deal with them but he's not able to help me rn

hemmotional: cupcake, i honestly don't know

cliffoconda: i'm so worried about him lukey
cliffoconda: he's not getting better at all
cliffoconda: he won't let me touch him
cliffoconda: he'll hardly eat or drink
cliffoconda: he cries most of the night
cliffoconda: and idk what i'm supposed to do because he won't let me help
cliffoconda: he keeps saying that he's fine, but i can hear his voice waver when he says it
cliffoconda: i can see the tears in his eyes and it hurts so much

hemmotional: baby it's not your job to fix him

cliffoconda: yes it is
cliffoconda: i'm the only one here for him
cliffoconda: calum loves him, yeah, but he's not here so it's my job

hemmotional: maybe you just have to accept the fact that he won't get better

cliffoconda: he's my best friend lu
cliffoconda: i don't wanna let him go

hemmotional: i don't know what to say to you beautiful
hemmotional: none of us want to lose him, but if he wants to go, then...

cliffoconda: no
cliffoconda: i'm not letting that happen luke
cliffoconda: i'm not letting him leave
cliffoconda: he didn't let me leave when i thought i wanted to, so as much as he says he wants to die, he has people who love him who won't let that happen

hemmotional: of course
hemmotional: we all want him to stay alive
hemmotional: but you really can't stop him, can you?
hemmotional: he's going to die anyway
hemmotional: we all are

cliffoconda: i love you but you're really not helping
cliffoconda: please just let me think i can fix this

hemmotional: i just don't want you getting your hopes up baby

cliffoconda: little too late for that
cliffoconda: i've known him forever, and for most of forever he's been sad and closed off
cliffoconda: he's gonna be sad, and i can't stop that, but i'm not letting that motherfucker die

hemmotional: i understand kitten

cliffoconda: thanks for being here lukey
cliffoconda: thanks for being annoying and clingy and weird when i met you
cliffoconda: i love you

hemmotional: thank you for putting up with me cupcake
hemmotional: i love you too

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so i had no idea where to end it

muke's first ily's, that's cute

anyways, ashton is gonna get his ass handed to him when luke talks to him next chapter

mf needs to get his shit together (& calum too)

love ya

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