{ trigger warning : mentions of rape, suicide, and some detailed self harm }

so here comes that 'getting fucked up' that i talked about

pretty much the entire chapter is triggering in a way, so please don't read it if it'll hurt you

and feel free to yell at certain characters for being idiots *cough* calum *cough*

but support my baby ashy plz he needs it

-

caluminthehood: yo ash

astroash: yeah baby?

caluminthehood: i've got something to show you
caluminthehood:

astroash: oh myakdnaish ajdnab shdndoja
astroash: why am i laughing so hard

caluminthehood: cause it's queen
caluminthehood: you should be bowing
caluminthehood: ON YOUR FUCKIN KNEES PEASANT

astroash: relax angel
astroash: and don't call me names

caluminthehood: try and stop me

astroash:

astroash: i love you so much

caluminthehood: i love you too
caluminthehood: now can i please fangirl over Queen

astroash: yeah okay

caluminthehood: excellent because i was gonna do it anyways

astroash: i figured

caluminthehood:

astroash: i don't know

caluminthehood: just shut the fuck up and stand back
caluminthehood: cause there's a storm coming

astroash: alright

caluminthehood:

caluminthehood:

astroash: it says brain

caluminthehood: 😡😡😡😡
caluminthehood:

caluminthehood: i mean it's not wrong

astroash: yeah but i love you and care about you and your feelings and what you have to say

caluminthehood: uwu
caluminthehood:

astroash: don't want any of that thanks
astroash: but i'll gladly take something else

caluminthehood: can i please top

astroash: no

caluminthehood: please
caluminthehood: please ash
caluminthehood: just once

astroash: there hasn't been anything-
astroash: it's been so long

caluminthehood: that's why there's prep
caluminthehood: duh

astroash: i don't wanna be the bottom calum
astroash: it's scary

caluminthehood: don't you think i'd take great care of you?
caluminthehood: it's absurd that you don't trust me

astroash: it is not my fault that last time that happened i was used for horrible things
astroash: do you know how many times he took advantage of me?
astroash: used me against my will, tied me down and kept me for days

caluminthehood: of course i know that
caluminthehood: and i'm sorry
caluminthehood: but it wasn't my fault

astroash: it's fine

caluminthehood: it's clearly not you fucking martyr
caluminthehood: you don't get to go crying about rape and abuse and then when i show affection and understanding, you say "i'm fine"
caluminthehood: that's not fucking fair

astroash: how is it not fair?
astroash: it didn't happen to you, so why are you so upset about it?

caluminthehood: because i love you
caluminthehood: you fucking asshole
caluminthehood: and i'd be lying if i said it didn't hurt that i know nothing about your actual feelings

astroash: excuse me for being ashamed of the shitty things that happened to me
astroash: i'm so sorry for feeling bad
astroash: next time i'll consult with you before i feel anything

caluminthehood: fuck off you know that's not what i meant
caluminthehood: i care about you and it hurts that you don't trust me

astroash: i trust you
astroash: i just don't want to be used again

caluminthehood: i wouldn't do that to you
caluminthehood: that's my point

astroash: how am i supposed to know that?
astroash: i don't control what goes on inside your head
astroash: and from what i've been told, it isn't great

caluminthehood: oh fuck you
caluminthehood: we're going there?
caluminthehood: fine
caluminthehood: you murdered people ashton
caluminthehood: that is SO fucked up
caluminthehood: you don't even fucking care that they have families or jobs
caluminthehood: you just did it because you were told to

astroash: calum i didn't have a choice
astroash: i made a mistake
astroash: so i had to fix it

caluminthehood: exactly
caluminthehood: you fucked up
caluminthehood: everyone fucks up ash
caluminthehood: nick did some awful shit to you and i'm sorry that my love isn't enough to fix it but you don't get to blame me for it

astroash: i'm not blaming you
astroash: i'm simply saying that i don't feel comfortable being the bottom
astroash: and it's a miracle that i want to have sexual relations at all

caluminthehood: """miracle"""
caluminthehood: yes it must be so hard to fuck someone's brains out
caluminthehood: so emotionally draining

astroash: it's not just FUCKING
astroash: i really love you
astroash: i needed to feel okay again
astroash: and being with you makes me feel that

caluminthehood: yeah i love you too
caluminthehood: but if you don't want to have sex, no one is forcing you
caluminthehood: just because i like it doesn't mean i need it
caluminthehood: it's so fucking sad that you've forced yourself to be with me just to feel normal
caluminthehood: makes me feel like shit btw

astroash: baby i'm not forcing myself to be with you

caluminthehood: oh really?
caluminthehood: you said "i needed to feel okay again"
caluminthehood: fucking me makes you feel okay?
caluminthehood: that's all?

astroash: no that's not what i meant
astroash: you're only reading what you want to read
astroash: it's like you want to fight with me
astroash: you really aren't being fair

caluminthehood: i do not want to fight with you
caluminthehood: i want to understand why you didn't trust me enough to actually explain
caluminthehood: i wouldn't say anything if i knew you were this traumatized

astroash: you know everything now

caluminthehood: sure jan
caluminthehood: but i have told you everything
caluminthehood: given you everything
caluminthehood: and it's for nothing

astroash: are you fucking kidding me
astroash: it's not for nothing

caluminthehood: and don't fucking tell me that i'm only reading what i want to read
caluminthehood: i've read all the lies you told me before and look where that got me
caluminthehood: you're pissed at me for some shit that an asshole did to you when you were a kid
caluminthehood: and it is NOT my fault that you chose to be with him
caluminthehood: i'm sorry that you couldn't leave, but it was your choice to be with him in the beginning

astroash: you're saying it's my fault?
astroash: that's just fucking wonderful
astroash: thanks so much

caluminthehood: yeah kind of
caluminthehood: you wanted to be with him at first
caluminthehood: i know that much

astroash: maybe i'm a bad judge of character
astroash: he's a piece of shit
astroash: maybe that's my type

caluminthehood: yes
caluminthehood: cause that's what i am
caluminthehood: a big piece of shit

astroash: fuck that's not what i meant
astroash: i'm so sorry calum
astroash: i'm so sorry

[ astroash is offline ]

caluminthehood: i'm sorry too

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

-

Ashton hated feeling like this. He hated feeling out of control, and he hated feeling sad or angry or anything that made him seem not okay. He hated feeling weak.

He didn't want to fight with Calum. He didn't mean to be a martyr or seem like he was seeking pity. He just felt awful.

Once Ashton had gone offline, he simply threw his phone onto the nearest piece of furniture (which happened to be the couch, where it immediately bounced onto the floor), and he sunk to the carpeted ground beside it.

Clutching his head in his hands, fingers tugging harshly on his raven-coloured locks, he cursed to himself quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks. He brought his knees to his chest, beginning to rock back and forth.

Ashton felt pathetic. He felt like a child for crying over something that had already happened, passed, and been dealt with. He felt useless, weak, and stupid.

More than anything, Ashton felt alone.

He'd fought with Calum until he couldn't type anymore. Until his eyes were too clouded to see, until his head hurt too much to think. He'd argued with the boy he loved for absolutely nothing, simply because he couldn't let it go.

Ashton's tears did not cease, in fact they had quickened, and he held his arms out in front of him, examining them.

The scars had long ago faded, but Ashton knew they were there.

He was suddenly reminded of the knife in his back pocket. His hands itched for it. He needed some kind of relief.

There were so many awful thoughts running through his mind. He had been clean for years up until the last few days, but he didn't care about that anymore. Calum, the love of his life, was pissed at him, and he didn't know why.

Ashton knew that he shouldn't hurt himself, but he felt like he needed to. There was nothing else he could think of to make himself feel better. He made Calum hate him. There was no one for him to talk to.

Grabbing for the knife, he flicked it open and stared at it for a few long moments before bringing it to his wrist.

For about five seconds, he didn't apply any pressure to it; he simply watched it, admired he feeling of the cold blade on his skin, basking in the memories this action had brought him.

Then, on a sudden impulse, dragged it diagonally down his wrist. It stung, but it almost made him smile. He deserved this pain.

His tears continued to pour as self-depreciating thoughts clouded his mind.

Useless, his brain screamed, urging him to create another line.

He loved the colour of the blood. Rare and sweet as cherry wine.

Some might think of it as ugly, but Ashton thought it was beautiful. Twisted but stunning in its own way.

Pathetic waste of space, his brain raged, and he left another line on his tanned skin.

The blood pooled to the surface, pricked at the skin, beaded at the opening of the cut and then dripped down his arm.

It was painful, but he needed it.

"Unlovable." He whispered to himself, and that word sent him over the edge.

He switched then knife to his other hand and dragged it across his right arm, letting out a hiss at the pain. But he was convinced he deserved this. So he kept going.

Ashton created three more lines before a voice at the doorway interrupted him.

"Ash, I'm here for food—" Michael began, then gasped when his eyes landed on Ashton. "Shit! What the fuck did you do?"

Michael slammed the door and ran over to where Ashton sat, still clutching the pocket knife in a trembling hand.

Michael tore the blade from Ashton's grip and threw it across the room.

"Ash-" He frantically called. "What happened? Why did you do this?"

"It doesn't hurt so much anymore, Mikey." Ashton whispered, his head lolling back against the sofa.

"Who made you so upset?" Michael continued to prod, wincing at the gushing wounds on Ashton's wrists.

Michael cursed under his breath and unzipped his sweater, wrapping it carefully around Ashton's wrists as he waited for the older lad to answer.

"Calum hates me." Ashton mumbled. He then let out an airy laugh. "He hates me, and I don't know why."

"He doesn't hate you. Why on earth would you do this?"

Ashton shrugged and murmured something that neither he nor Michael understood.

"I need to get you to a hospital-" Michael muttered. "Fuck, lets go."

"Just let me die." Ashton whispered, shaking his head. "It's all I want."

"No. I'm not letting that happen." Michael helped Ashton stand up, which was more difficult that he originally assumed.

"Are you going to hate me if I text Calum?"

Ashton let out a long breath. "I don't care anymore. I'm such a fuck up, Mikey. Why won't you just leave me alone? Let me die, I'm so tired of this."

"No. You need help, Ashton. Please let me fix this."

-

Michael decided to drive Ashton to the hospital instead of calling and ambulance, since he didn't live very far away. As they arrived, Michael worked quickly to bring Ashton into the ER and make sure he got proper medical attention.

Once he was assured that Ashton was in good hands, he slumped into a chair and pulled out his phone.

Calum needed to know what happened. Michael just didn't want to be the one who had to tell him.

-

cliffoconda: Calum
cliffoconda: i know you hate me and you don't believe anything i say but i would not lie about this

caluminthehood: what is it

cliffoconda: it's ashton

caluminthehood: tell me what the fuck happened right now

cliffoconda: i went to get food from ashton's house

caluminthehood: because you're a lazy ass fucker what's the point

cliffoconda: when i got there, he was covered in his own blood and holding a knife, babbling about how you hate him
cliffoconda: i think he tried to kill himself calum
cliffoconda: what did you two fight about?

caluminthehood: oh my god
caluminthehood: FUCKFUCKFUCK
caluminthehood: are you being serious?

cliffoconda: do you think i'd lie about my best friends sUicIDAl tEnDeNciES
cliffoconda: what did you fight about?

caluminthehood: FUCK
caluminthehood: is he okay?
caluminthehood: did you take him to a hospital?

cliffoconda: he's fine
cliffoconda: they're stitchin him up
cliffoconda: he's gonna be okay

caluminthehood: fuck i'm so angry at myself
caluminthehood: i shouldn't have said anything to him at all oh my god
caluminthehood: i'm such an idiot

cliffoconda: it's not your fault
cliffoconda: he's been feeling pretty awful lately

caluminthehood: it is my fault
caluminthehood: i triggered him and i feel so bad
caluminthehood: can i talk to him?

cliffoconda: do you want to?

caluminthehood: fuck you of course i wanna talk to him
caluminthehood: i love him

cliffoconda: does he know that?

caluminthehood: OBVIOUSLY I NEED TO REASSURE HIM OF IT BUT HE BETTER KNOW HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE HIM

cliffoconda: well i'll let you speak to him then

[ cliffoconda is calling ]

-

As soon as Calum answered the call, a frown took over his tanned features. He didn't want to see Ashton like this, but since he was, he felt the need to cry. He spent another few moments scanning Ashton's own face; taking notice of the bags under his eyes, and how hazy his eyes actually were, taking in how his lip trembled slightly and how he could barely breathe.

"I'm so sorry, Ash. I didn't mean to upset you and I feel so bad for everything...I love you more than anything and I'm so sorry—I didn't mean—"

"Calum." Ashton interrupted softly. "Stop. You don't need to apologize to me, angel. This wasn't your fault."

"But it was. I shouldn't have said those things to you, I know that you couldn't control what happened to you. I'm such a fucking screw up."

"Baby, you aren't a screw up. I love you so much, and this wasn't your fault. I haven't been feeling well for a while now, and I'm so sorry for dumping this on you."

Ashton smiled weakly at Calum--again, fake--which only brought tears to Calum's eyes.

"Ash-" Calum whispered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would I have said?" Ashton countered. "I'm supposed to take care of you first, then myself."

"But I'm doing fine, my love. You should've been making yourself feel better."

"I don't know how to do that."

Now Ashton was the one tearing up. He felt useless and weak, and those two words—the ones that had sent him over the edge—continued to hurt him even afterwards.

Calum brought a shaky hand to his face, covering his eyes. He'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt to see Ashton like this. But he also didn't want Ashton seeing him like this, either. Ashton needed to feel better, and Calum having a breakdown over his boyfriends mental health was not the way to do it.

"Ashton, baby, what makes you feel better?"

Ashton smiled weakly at the nickname. He didn't realize how much he liked hearing it. "You make me feel better."

"Anything that's on the same side of the world?"

Ashton tried looking anywhere but at the phone; in that moment, Calum's gaze was so intimidating that he almost didn't want to see him. "I don't know.."

"Can you please try to think of something?"

Ashton sighed. "I don't deserve you."

Calum tried to interrupt, but Ashton continued on.

"I don't deserve how sweet you are, or how beautiful you are, and I really don't deserve your positivity.."

"You deserve everything I've given you and more. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to help."

"You are helping." Ashton assured him.

"Maybe." Calum muttered. "But I'm also the thing that caused this."

"It wasn't you, darling."

"Jesus, Ash, stop trying to make me feel better. Who the fuck cares about my emotions right now?" Calum ran a shaky hand through his hair and continued speaking before Ashton could. "It doesn't matter how I feel, baby. I just need you to get better."

"I'm gonna try, Cally. I swear." 

"That's all I ask, my love."

They spoke for another few minutes--which mostly consisted of Calum apologizing more--before Ashton informed Calum of his tiredness. Calum made sure Ashton understood that he loved him before even thinking about hanging up.

Once their conversation came to an end, Ashton looked to Michael sadly. "I'm so sorry, Mikey." He choked out. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Michael immediately pulled Ashton into a tight embrace. "You don't need to be sorry, Ash. We should be sorry because we didn't know you were hurting."

Michael pulled apart for a second and locked their eyes together. "But now we do know. So we're gonna fix it. Together. Calum and I care about you so much, Ashton. Luke even cares in his own weird way. We love you, so you're gonna let us help, okay?"

Ashton stared at Michael with glassy eyes and whispered, "Okay."

But he knew that there was no help for him.

-

face reveal?

i don't know if y'all wanna see my ugly face but uh-

i'm severely sleep deprived and way behind on laundry

anyways, let's not attack the author unless you plan on murdering them thanks

this is kinda messy and bad but oh well

love ya

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