{ trigger warning: mentions rape, self harm and suicide }

caluminthehood: ashton oh my god help

astroash: what is it baby

caluminthehood: what if air is poisonous and it just takes a certain amount of years to kill us all
caluminthehood: so that's why we get all wrinkly and sick the older we get

astroash: woah
astroash: way to make me question my existence first thing in the morning

caluminthehood: and what if the 'terms and conditions' held the cure to cancer but no one knew

astroash: because nobody reads them oh my god
astroash: okay, what if everything you see right now is just a hallucination caused by breathing oxygen

caluminthehood: is that why you black out when you stop breathing

astroash: shit

caluminthehood: or what if a random guy walks up to you and hands you a book
caluminthehood: and when you read it, you realize it's the story of your entire life
caluminthehood: would you read it to the end?

astroash: i would
astroash: but what if it gets to the part you're at right now, and there's only like three pages left

caluminthehood: then you just make the most of those last few pages i guess

astroash: damn okay wow
astroash: speechless

caluminthehood: WAIT OH MY GOD
caluminthehood: WHY ISN'T THERE ADULT SIZED PLAYGROUNDS
caluminthehood: LIKE EVERYTHING IS THE SAME AS A KIDS PLAYGROUND BUT BIGGER
caluminthehood: WHY DO WE NOT HAVE THOSE

astroash: theme parks love
astroash: they're called theme parks

caluminthehood: but you have to pay for theme parks

astroash: that's the adult part

caluminthehood: son of a bitch

astroash: you're fuckin adorable baby
astroash: i love you so much

caluminthehood: love you too ashy
caluminthehood: more than anything

astroash: i miss you darling

caluminthehood: so come back

astroash: i can't
astroash: not yet

caluminthehood: why the fuck not
caluminthehood: you already did that last job
caluminthehood: so why are you postponing this

astroash: i'm not postponing it

caluminthehood: oh?

astroash: i have to get rid of some things baby
astroash: the guns and everything
astroash: i don't need them anymore, and i really don't want them around
astroash: but it isn't just an overnight thing
astroash: i have to plan it carefully, because if someone finds them, i'm fucked

caluminthehood: going to refrain from making a sex joke due to the severity of this situation

astroash: thank you

caluminthehood: logically i know you're right
caluminthehood: but emotionally, this is garbage i want cuddles and kisses

astroash: i know, calum

caluminthehood: ew who's calum
caluminthehood: i'm baby boy

astroash: okay fine
astroash: baby boy, i know you miss me
astroash: i miss you too
astroash: and i promise, i'm gonna be back as soon as i can
astroash: you'll get hugs and kisses and i won't ever leave again

caluminthehood: ohmaigod ohmaigod ohmaigod
caluminthehood: like actually

astroash: yes baby
astroash: i promise

caluminthehood: fuck yes
caluminthehood: yeyesyesyesyesy
caluminthehood: happiness

astroash: you're adorable
astroash: oh guess what

caluminthehood: what

astroash:

astroash: mikey brought me some big pizza

caluminthehood: WHEEZE
caluminthehood: your hair is black what the fuck i wasn't ready i'm suing oh my god bitch a warning would be nice next time

astroash:

caluminthehood: well fuck me sideways
caluminthehood: okay i love this wow
caluminthehood: are you gonna grow your hair out a little longer
caluminthehood: cause i love your longer hair
caluminthehood: makes me weak

astroash: maybe idk

caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: i'm never gonna get over how someone as hot as you likes me

astroash: first of all, i love you
astroash: more than like
astroash: second, you're way fucking hotter than me n you know it

caluminthehood: i'm the baby i'm supposed to be cute

astroash: and you are
astroash: but sometimes,,,,hot
astroash: like
astroash:

astroash: destroy me pls
astroash: but don't actually because that's scary

caluminthehood: wouldn't dream of hurting you my love

astroash: i know
astroash: um
astroash: mikey is calling me now
astroash: so i have to go baby

caluminthehood: oh
caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: i love you ❤❤❤

astroash: i love you too angel ❤❤❤

[ astroash left the chat ]

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

-

nickel: ashton, i wanna talk

[ astroash joined the chat ]

astroash: i don't

nickel: why not?

astroash: do you have any idea how much you hurt me?

nickel: yes

astroash: no you fucking don't
astroash: you have absolutely no idea what you did to me, and how long i've been hurting because of you

nickel: i want to understand
nickel: i want to make it better for you bunny

astroash: stop fucking calling me that you stupid asshole

nickel: sorry

astroash: you want to understand?
astroash: let me paint a picture for you

nickel: okay

astroash: you're in a dark room
astroash: naked and terrified
astroash: some person you thought you knew is touching you in places you don't wanna be touched
astroash: and no matter how many times you say stop, they keep going
astroash: until THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU
astroash: not when you want to be done, not when you want it to stop
astroash: when THEY finish
astroash: and when it's finally done, they look at you expectantly
astroash: as if they wished you enjoyed it
astroash: well news flash you evil fuck
astroash: I DIDN'T ENJOY IT

nickel: i don't know what to say
nickel: do you want me to apologize?

astroash: an apology is not going to fix what you did

nickel: i wanna make it better
nickel: but i don't know how to do that

astroash: you broke me
astroash: you broke me, and i don't know if there's a way to fix it
astroash: i want you to hurt how i hurt
astroash: i'd kill you, but then you wouldn't be in pain

nickel: you'd kill me?
nickel: even with all the love we shared?

astroash: fuck off with that love bullshit
astroash: you have no idea what love is
astroash: and if you believed we were in love, you're dumber than i thought

nickel: yes i do
nickel: i know what love is

astroash: you didn't love me and i didn't love you

nickel: probably why our relationship didn't work out

astroash: our 'relationship' didn't work out 'cause you fucking raped me
astroash: i know what love is, because i just spoke to mine
astroash: but you will never understand what it's like to love, you're a fucking monster

nickel: it's that stupid bitch who texted me, isn't it?
nickel: the annoying memes n shit

astroash: calum is not a stupid bitch
astroash: you motherfucking asshole
astroash: he's my angel
astroash: and i swear, if you try anything with him, i'll kill you like i should've years ago

nickel: try anything?
nickel: what would i do?
nickel: i don't know where he is

astroash: and you never will
astroash: are we done here?

nickel: he's your angel?
nickel: you top?

astroash: it's not your business
astroash: but yeah

nickel: do you hurt him

astroash: the way you hurt me?
astroash: never
astroash: i would never do that to him
astroash: i love him more than anything

nickel: i oughta throw up in your face

astroash: wouldn't be the worst thing you've done

nickel: so you don't hurt him
nickel: what do you do instead

astroash: none of your business asshole

nickel: do you tie him down
nickel: make him know who's in charge

astroash: no

nickel: so how do you treat him

astroash: exactly how he should be treated
astroash: like a king

nickel: doubt

astroash: i don't care what the fuck you think of my relationship
astroash: i love calum more than anything and i do NOT need your approval

nickel: i see
nickel: so you never loved me

astroash: at one point, i trusted you
astroash: which i regret
astroash: but no
astroash: nothing i ever felt for you was love

nickel: well that kinda hurts
nickel: cause i loved you

astroash: no you didn't
astroash: maybe you loved my body
astroash: or the fact that i couldn't fight back
astroash: maybe you preyed on how happy i was with just the idea the someone didn't hate me
astroash: or perhaps it was that i liked you
astroash: but you never loved me
astroash: you never even knew me

nickel: what didn't i know?
nickel: fucking tell me

astroash: did you know that i hurt myself almost everyday

nickel: i never saw any scars...

astroash: i hid them well
astroash: and hurting yourself doesn't always mean ripping open your wrists

nickel: jesus ash

astroash: did you know that i have two siblings

nickel: i think so

astroash: what are their names

nickel: i don't know
nickel: it was a long time ago

astroash: you didn't know even when we were 'together'

nickel: you never wanted to talk

astroash: i always wanted to talk
astroash: i always had something to say
astroash: but you never listened
astroash: especially when what i had to say was "stop" or "no"

nickel: you're making me feel bad

astroash: good
astroash: cause i feel bad all the time
astroash: every time i close me eyes i'm right there again
astroash: sobbing beneath you
astroash: begging you to stop
astroash: and when i open my eyes again, i know you aren't there
astroash: but i can still hear you
astroash: i can still feel you touching me
astroash: and no matter how hard i try, it won't go away
astroash: some part of me knows it will always be there
astroash: and it makes me wanna give up
astroash: cause i don't wanna be in pain anymore

nickel: i don't want you to be in pain

astroash: then why did you do it?
astroash: why did you have to ruin me?

nickel: i didn't mean to ruin you
nickel: i just....

astroash: you just what?
astroash: you just wanted it so you took it?

nickel: i guess
nickel: i don't know how i didn't get in trouble

astroash: you didn't get in trouble because no one believed the boy who cried rape
astroash: my own fucking mother called me a liar
astroash: my brother and sister refused to believe
astroash: i was gay
astroash: i AM gay
astroash: and for some fucked up reason, that means i dont matter
astroash: so you didn't get in trouble because no one fucking cared
astroash: what i am is wrong to them

nickel: i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do
nickel: i know i hurt you
nickel: i know i fucked up
nickel: what do i do to make it better

astroash: you can't do anything to fix this
astroash: so go fuck yourself
astroash: you stupid piece of shit

[ astroash left the chat ]

nickel: ash
[ messages can no longer be sent to this user ]

nickel: i'm sorry
[ messages can no longer be sent to this user ]

-

Ashton defeatedly let his phone slip from his hands and onto the sofa as he curled into himself and took shaky, uneven breaths.

He shouldn't have answered Nick—he knew that—but he also knew that ignoring him would not have made him go away.

For a moment, he thought about telling Calum. Calum loved him, Calum would make it better. But then a darker emotion took over. It could have been fear or anger—Ashton didn't know—but he knew that he couldn't put Calum in a position to be hurt the way Ashton was.

This was something Ashton decided he would have to take care of on his own. He simply didn't know how.

In a sudden panic, he shot up from the floor and tangled his fingers in his hair, pulling harshly as he quickly walked into his kitchen.

Pacing back and forth, taking shallow, difficult breaths, Ashton spotted the knives on the counter.

He cringed, bit his lip and continued pulling at his hair.

So badly did he want to pick up one of the knives and finish himself off, so badly that it hurt.

He kept reminding himself that there were people in his life that cared about him, people that loved him.

And somehow that wasn't enough.

He grabbed the closest knife and rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie.

Though he knew that he had others way to cope, people to talk to, he couldn't help himself.

He created deep crimson rows along his forearms, truthfully not caring how many he made. No matter how many times he hurt himself, the pain Nick had brought to him hurt more.

He made another few lines, cringing less each time, before a knock on the door interrupted him.

"I have food in my hands and if you don't open this door I'm breaking it down!" Ashton heard Michael's muffled yell through the door.

Ashton panicked, disposed of the knife in the dishwasher for now and rolled his sleeves back down.

Now I look fine, Ashton thought to himself before walking over and opening the door. No one will ever know.

He opened the door and greeted Michael with a fake, forced smile. And Michael didn't know any different.

-

i'm sorry

i hope everyone had a better week than i did

-