{ trigger warning : mentions rape }

(Play the song when you see italics)

-

Today was entirely dedicated to staying home. As suggested the day before, matching tattoos held more meaning than a wedding, so that was what they'd have.

Calum and Ashton were now sitting on the sofa, with an excited Duke jumping all over them as they rifled through magazines and scrolled through endless websites on their phones.

Both had found designs that they liked-separately-but they wanted to find one that they both loved.

Every few minutes, Calum or Ashton would show each other a design, but if they had no design to show, they'd simply exchange sweet kisses until they smiled so hard that it hurt.

"What about this one?" Calum offered, showing Ashton two matching skulls wearing crowns.

"I like it." Ashton replied quietly. "But skull tattoos are super common, and I want ours to be special."

"It'll be special because it's ours." Calum mumbled, then nuzzled his face into Ashton's neck.

Ashton wrapped his arms protectively around the boy, holding him close as if it was the only thing he could do. Ashton was worried-about Calum, about himself, about them-but he tried not to let it show.

Calum feathered light kisses along Ashton's neck, noticing how stressed Ashton suddenly seemed. Ashton might not open up, but Calum could at least try to lighten the mood. "Do you want rings?"

"As long as you're happy, I don't care."

"Stop doing that." Calum mumbled, frowning.

"Stop doing what?"

"When I ask you a question, I want an answer. Don't tell me what you think I wanna hear, tell me your opinion."

Ashton sighed. "Okay, yeah. I want rings."

Calum smiled against Ashton's neck. "Me too."

Ashton sighed again, this time louder. His mind seemed to be running a million miles a minute, thoughts clouding his brain with no escape in sight. Everything that he'd fought away broke through the wall he'd spent so much time building, and as his breathing quickened and his vision blurred, he knew that he had just lost.

"Ash-" Calum whispered, rubbing small circles on his love's back. "Are you okay?"

Ashton swallowed the lump in his throat. "I...I don't know."

"What's the matter?" Calum pulled out of Ashton's grip, locking their eyes together.

Ashton shook his head; the memories that had invaded his mind were painful, and he didn't think that speaking about it-even to Calum-would make it better.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Hot tears pricked at Ashton's hazel eyes. He felt weak and stupid, but at least he wasn't alone. "I-It hurts, Cal. I just-I can't make it stop..."

Calum cupped Ashton's face in his hands, searching his eyes for some emotion other than the great pain they showcased.

"What hurts, my love?" Calum whispered, lips forming a tight, worried line as he watched Ashton's face carefully.

"The memories..." Ashton softly mumbled, averting his eyes. "He said he loved me every time it happened, but I know he didn't. I can't believe I ever trusted him."

Calum realized who Ashton was speaking of, and couldn't help the worry and sadness he felt.

"Ashton, will you tell me what he did, baby?"

Calum's voice was soothing, calming and caring, but Ashton was still so scared, and Calum only wished he knew why.

"You'll-" Ashton took a deep breath before finding the courage to finish his sentence. "You'll think I-I'm weak, Cal."

Calum felt Ashton's chest rise and fall faster, and watched his boyfriend try so hard not to let tears spill. Ashton let his vision fall to his lap, no longer able to look at Calum.

"Hey-" Calum whispered, gently using two fingers to lift Ashton's face. "You're not weak for feeling things. Especially sadness. Talk to me, Ash. I'm here for you."

Ashton shook his head. "You wouldn't understand, Calum."

"I don't need to understand. I just need to be here listening, and make sure you're okay."

"But I'm not o-fucking-kay." Ashton mumbled harshly, hands gripping Calum's back tighter, pulling him closer to his own body as if Calum were a teddy bear and Ashton was a child going to the doctors.

"Well baby, can you tell me why?"

Ashton took a deep breath, composing his thoughts. "Do you remember what I told you about Nick?"

"Yes."

"He took me places and showed me off, treated me like a slave and really only used me for his own amusement."

Calum saw the pain in Ashton's eyes, and he understood that pain with his mind, heart and soul.
He just let Ashton continue speaking.

"The ways he touched me...." Ashton's voice wavered. "And where he touched me. I-I didn't want it, Cal. I didn't want it, but he did it anyway."

Calum kept Ashton in their tight embrace. Ashton allowed Calum to hold him as he tucked his face into Calum's neck and wrapped his arms around his waist.
For once, Ashton had no problem feeling like the smaller person. He needed this reassurance.

"He said he loved me every time he undressed me. Said I was his favourite as he forced himself on me."

"I'm sorry." Calum whispered, and that sent Ashton over the edge. Fat, hot tears rolled down Ashton's cheeks and tickled Calum's skin. He could feel Ashton's body tensed and shaking in his arms, and it made him worry. He hated seeing Ashton like this.

"You're safe with me, my love." Calum whispered into Ashton's hair, rubbing circles on his back. "I promise you, you're safe. He can't hurt you anymore, Ash. I'm here."

Ashton still felt weak despite Calum's insistence. "He a-already hurt m-me, and that's t-the problem."

"I know, baby, I know."

"I feel so fucking stupid." Ashton sobbed into Calum's neck. "Why are you even here for me?"

"Because I love you, and I always will." Calum began running his fingers through Ashton's fiery locks. "You're stronger than the demons, Ash. I know it hurts, but its gonna get better."

"You can't promise me that."

"I can."

"No." Ashton's cries hadn't died down. "I tried so hard, Cal, but I can't make it stop."

"I'm so sorry, my love. I don't know how to help you-" Calum could feel Ashton's erratic heartbeat against his own chest, and the fact that it hadn't slowed yet only added to Calum's pile of worries.

"I just want it to stop-" Ashton mumbled angrily. "Why won't it stop?"

"I don't know-" Calum was truly running out of ways to calm Ashton down. "-But you're scaring me, love. Please just tell me what I can do to help."

Ashton thought for a moment. "Will you sing to me?"

Calum almost smiled at Ashton's vulnerability. "Sure, baby."

Ashton still clung to Calum as though it was the only thing he was capable of, but when Calum started singing, nothing he felt mattered.

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing-"

Calum quietly began to sing, noticing how Ashton relaxed ever so slightly at the sound.

"Watch you smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming-"

Ashton knew that Calum's soothing voice couldn't fix everything that was wrong with him, but he felt safe in this moment, and he was going to hold on to it for as long as he could.

"I could spend my life in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment forever."

Calum heard Ashton's sobs quiet down, urging him to keep going.

"Ooh, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure."

Ashton took a shaky breath, loosening his grip slightly on Calum's torso. He felt stupid and clingy, but he knew he wasn't alone.

"Don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep-"

Although he hated seeing his love hurt, Calum loved seeing the sensitive side of Ashton. He knew that he couldn't fix Ashton with just a song, but he needed him to get better, and he didn't know of any other ways.

"Cause I'd miss you, babe-"

Ashton felt Calum continue to run his fingers through his hair. It was soothing, and Ashton loved it.

"And I don't wanna miss a thing."

Calum stopped as he felt Ashton pull away slightly, locking their eyes together. His face glistened, his eyes were still hazy, but he wore a small smile.

"Thank you."

Calum pressed a gentle kiss to Ashton's forehead, wiping the tears from his face. "You don't need to thank me, my love. I'm sorry that I can't make it go away."

"You don't understand how much you help me." Ashton whispered weakly.

"I do." Calum leaned Ashton back against the sofa, trying to further relax him. He pressed his forehead against Ashton's, rubbed their noses together. "And I love you so much, baby."

"I love you more." Ashton whispered, a small, weak smile forming on his chapped lips.

"I doubt it." Calum smiled lovingly, hoping that Ashton was getting better. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Ashton nodded, and Calum gave his lips the sweetest peck before standing up and walking away.

A minute or so later, Calum reappeared with a sketchbook and pencil in hand. Ashton looked at him, confused as he sat down. Calum set the items down, took Ashton's hands in his, and smiled.

"I have an idea for our tattoo." And he picked the sketchbook up, grabbed the pencil, and began drawing.

-

yes we stan men who aren't afraid to show their emotions

i'm sad now but that doesn't matter

love you people

-