this is an important chapter, so read carefully

and please comment a whole bunch—it makes my day

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caluminthehood: ashton 😔

[ astroash is online ]

caluminthehood: you're probably out doing something important, but i just need someone to talk to
caluminthehood: i'm being stupid and clingy and i'm sorry
caluminthehood: but i need to talk to you

astroash: nothing is more important than you baby
astroash: what's wrong?

caluminthehood: i feel really bad

astroash: explain it to me love

caluminthehood: my head hurts ash
caluminthehood: there's so many bad thoughts
caluminthehood: and i really wanna hurt myself
caluminthehood: i'm trying so hard but it's pointless

astroash: whatever they're saying, it's not true i promise
astroash: they're wrong
astroash: you are so strong and you're gonna be okay
astroash: can you tell me some of the bad thoughts

caluminthehood: i'm so fat
caluminthehood: and so ugly
caluminthehood: you don't really like me
caluminthehood: no one does
caluminthehood: my parents won't even talk to me
caluminthehood: i don't deserve to be alive

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Ashton felt tears well in his eyes as he read over Calum's messages and chewed furiously at his bottom lip. He knew what he had to do, it was time. Calum needed to hear what Ashton had to say, and Ashton needed to tell him.

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astroash: i promise you, calum, you are far from fat or ugly
astroash: you're so so beautiful
astroash: your body is perfect, just like the rest of you
astroash: and your parents are assholes for treating you like this, because you deserve so much better than that
astroash: you deserve people who care
astroash: i really do like you
astroash: more than like
astroash: this concept is terrifying, but i love you
astroash: I LOVE YOU
astroash: understand?
astroash: and i need you to be happy

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Calum blinked once, twice, three times at his screen. Had he read something wrong? He tightly shut his eyes, squeezing a few stray tears out in hopes of clearing his vision, as his phone remained in his shaking hands.

Ashton loved him? That couldn't be right. No one could love him. It was impossible to love a person unwilling to love themselves.

Ashton had said it.

But had Ashton meant it?

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caluminthehood: you love me?

astroash: i really do

caluminthehood: you can't, ashton
caluminthehood: i'm such a fuck up
caluminthehood: you could have someone so much better

astroash: i don't need you to say it back to me
astroash: but i love you
astroash: and there isn't anyone i'd rather have

caluminthehood: really?

astroash: i promise
astroash: its not something you get to choose
astroash: but everyone has someone that they belong with
astroash: and i feel like i belong with you

caluminthehood: you're making the tears worse

astroash: baby please don't cry
astroash: i need you to be okay

caluminthehood: i don't know if they're tears of joy or sadness
caluminthehood: maybe both

astroash: please don't be sad
astroash: i didn't mean to make you feel worse
astroash: i want you to be happy and i'm so sorry that you aren't but please don't hurt yourself
astroash: i don't know how to make you feel better and i'm so fucking pissed at myself for not being able to help you
astroash: what can i do?

caluminthehood: can i call you
caluminthehood: i need to hear your voice

astroash: of course
astroash: always

[ caluminthehood is calling ]

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"Ash?" Calum's tone was almost pleading, sniffles coming from his end of the line every few seconds as he tried to calm himself down.

"Yes?"

"Thank you." Every so often, another tear would fall from his eyes, sliding down to his lips before it tickled him enough and he was forced to wipe it away.

"Why are you thanking me, angel?"

Calum let out a shaky breath. "You make me feel better. You always do. And you shouldn't be angry at yourself. Don't think that you don't help me, Ashton. You're really the only reason I'm still alive."

"I didn't mean to make you cry." Ashton mumbled, tears forming in his own eyes. "I hate myself for making you cry. I don't understand why it makes me feel so bad, but you should never be unhappy, Calum. I hate it when you're not happy."

"Don't hate yourself. You're amazing, and it isn't your fault that I'm fucked up."

"We're all a little fucked up, just in different ways. It's what makes the world so interesting."

Another tear slipped from Calum's eye. "Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?"

Ashton smiled softly. "I did. I really did, Calum. I don't need you to say it back, but I needed you to know. You mean so much to me." He paused, then felt the need to add a quiet "I love you" at the end but decided not to (as he didn't want to scare or overwhelm Calum).

"Ashton, I—"

"You don't need to say anything." Ashton interrupted. "I'm still going to love you even if you don't love me."

Calum's throat tightened, a new wave of tears washing over him as Ashton spoke. "You would be okay if I didn't feel the same way?"

"I'd understand. Love is complicated."

Calum took a shaky breath as fresh drops of water fell onto his shirt, and he barely had the strength to wipe them away. "You keep saying that I don't need to say it back—but what if I want to?"

Their call quickly switched to a FaceTime, both needing the reassurance of actually seeing each other's being.

"I can't force you to do anything." Ashton softly replied. "But—"

"I love you." Calum suddenly blurted.

Ashton couldn't help smiling. "Really?"

"Yes really. I'm so scared, and this is very new, but yeah. I love you."

Ashton made a noise that was half-laughter half-sob. "Love you so much." He whispered, smiling softly at the beautiful boy in front of him.

"Does this mean that you'll come visit soon?" Calum murmured, his own smile growing by the second.

"Yes." Ashton immediately replied, nodding. "Of course."

Calum began crying again. His vision fell to his lap, hands starting to shake as his shoulders gently lurched forward with each sob.

"Hey-" Ashton softly called. "Baby, look at me. No more tears, okay? Please don't be sad anymore.."

Salty droplets of water continued to fall from Calum's sad brown eyes, but he managed to lift his head so that Ashton could see his face.

His cheeks were flushed pink and glistening with tears, eyes hazy and puffy and head pounding from the amount of time he'd spent crying.

Ashton still found him beautiful.

Calum's bottom lip started to tremble, and he leaned his head back against the bathroom wall, his backside aching from sitting so long on the floor.

His eyes closed slowly; he didn't want to see Ashton's face, he knew that Ashton would think he was pathetic.

But Ashton didn't think of Calum as pathetic. Ashton felt every bit of love in the world for Calum.

"Look at me, angel. I'm right here, okay? I'm right here, please don't cry anymore."

"A-Ash..." Calum softly breathed out.

"Yes?"

The tanned lad took a sharp breath. "Why do you love me?"

"You're perfect, Calum. I love absolutely everything about you." Ashton smiled as he thought of the conversation they'd had the day before. "Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?"

"Movies and Music, mostly."

Ashton nodded. "Every single time you responded, I grew fonder of you. Every time you said something, the only sensible reply I could think of was I love you. It's a weird feeling that I can't put into words, but I truly do love you."

Calum sighed contently, afraid to speak for fear the tears would start again.

"If I ever take too long responding to you, or have to take a break from our conversations, I need you to know that it isn't because I don't want to talk to you. It's because I need to take a minute and revel in the fact that I texted you and you actually kept replying."

Ashton took a deep breath before continuing.

"I've never felt so close to someone yet been so far apart. We're broken in our own different ways, but maybe we can fix each other."

Calum smiled. "I love you so, so much, and this is making me feel a lot better, but can we please take a break from the heartfelt speeches?"

"Yeah. Okay." Ashton returned his smile.

"Hair looks good, daddy."

"That's a drastic change in topics." Ashton mumbled, suppressing a groan. "But thank you."

"I mean it. I didn't think you could get more attractive and then you did."

"Again, thank you."

Calum let out a sigh. "Sorry for being such a baby."

"Don't apologize for that. You're perfect. Having emotions is normal."

"I don't want to have emotions. I don't want them."

"Love is an emotion." Ashton quietly replied.

"That's not what I meant." Calum muttered. "Fuck, I'm just too drained to do this."

Ashton nodded. "I understand. I've just got one more thing to say before you can go to bed, okay?"

"Okay."

"When I come see you, will you throw out some of your blades?"

Calum sighed. "I guess I can do that. For you."

"Thank you, angel. Now go get some sleep."

"I love you." The Maori lad whispered.

"I love you too."

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oh my gosh it's cashton's first i love you's

only took 54 chapters lmao

i apologize for the wait

love y'all

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