ashtonofbricks: are you feeling better today?

caluminthehood: um
caluminthehood: sure

ashtonofbricks: i'm concerned cal
ashtonofbricks: tell me how you're feeling

caluminthehood: i'm still alive
caluminthehood: interpret that as you wish

ashtonofbricks: i don't want you to be sad cal
ashtonofbricks: what's bothering you

caluminthehood: i don't know
caluminthehood: i have reasons to be happy
caluminthehood: but my brain won't let me
caluminthehood: it's like i'm not allowed
caluminthehood: i just wanna feel fine again

ashtonofbricks: i'm really sorry
ashtonofbricks: do you want to talk?

caluminthehood: i want to die

ashtonofbricks: please don't say that

caluminthehood: but i mean it

ashtonofbricks: i know you're hurting cal
ashtonofbricks: it's hurting me

caluminthehood: sure

ashtonofbricks: just because suicide seems like an option doesn't mean it's an answer

caluminthehood: i feel like that is on a poster in an elementary school somewhere
caluminthehood: how inspirational

ashtonofbricks: i'm serious
ashtonofbricks: i would feel awful if anything happened to you

caluminthehood: and then you'd get over it and forget about me
caluminthehood: just like everyone else would
caluminthehood: then i'd only be another example of how fucked up the world is

ashtonofbricks: no
ashtonofbricks: i'd feel like shit for a really long time
ashtonofbricks: i wouldn't forget you
ashtonofbricks: you shouldn't think like that

caluminthehood: do you know that song
caluminthehood: wasn't me by shaggy

ashtonofbricks: yeah
ashtonofbricks: why?

caluminthehood: more or less
caluminthehood: he said
caluminthehood: "banging on the bathroom floor"

ashtonofbricks: how is this relevant love

caluminthehood: i'm crying on the bathroom floor

ashtonofbricks: calum
ashtonofbricks: baby
ashtonofbricks: please don't tell me you're using the blades again

caluminthehood: i thought about it
caluminthehood: but someone at work would say something if they saw

ashtonofbricks: i would hope so

caluminthehood: older people always have this way of making everything sound bad
caluminthehood: stupid condescending voices
caluminthehood: "do you know how many people would be sad if you killed yourself?"
caluminthehood: i know the exact amount
caluminthehood: it's zero

ashtonofbricks: not true
ashtonofbricks: i would care
ashtonofbricks: your family would care
ashtonofbricks: and duke would care
ashtonofbricks: so would your friend

caluminthehood: my family wouldn't care

ashtonofbricks: just because they don't agree with who you love
ashtonofbricks: doesn't mean that THEY don't love you

caluminthehood: doesn't matter
caluminthehood: nothing does
caluminthehood: everything is pointless
caluminthehood: every stupid little thing we struggle to achieve is wiped completely clean as soon as we're gone
caluminthehood: we only live to die
caluminthehood: everything we do when we're alive is gone once we're not
caluminthehood: so why do we even bother?

ashtonofbricks: calum

caluminthehood: i mean, really?
caluminthehood: first kiss, first love, marriage, a family, a home
caluminthehood: all of it is inevitably ending
caluminthehood: so why do we try so hard to have it all?
caluminthehood: why do people chase the one person they know they can't have?
caluminthehood: the job they don't really want?
caluminthehood: the car they can't afford?
caluminthehood: none of it is worth any of the try we put into it
caluminthehood: so why shouldn't i give up?
caluminthehood: what is the point?

ashtonofbricks: everyone needs to have something unobtainable that they want
ashtonofbricks: so something can distract us from what you said
ashtonofbricks: you're right
ashtonofbricks: it's pointless
ashtonofbricks: but doesn't that make it better?
ashtonofbricks: you have nothing to lose
ashtonofbricks: so why not embrace it?
ashtonofbricks: get the car, chase your first love
ashtonofbricks: start a family, buy a house
ashtonofbricks: no one is stopping you

caluminthehood: what if i'm stopping me, ash?
caluminthehood: what if i know that i don't deserve all those things?

ashtonofbricks: you do deserve it, calum
ashtonofbricks: a beautiful family, a nice house, and someone who loves you unconditionally

caluminthehood: how can anyone love me when i don't love me

ashtonofbricks: people manage

caluminthehood: what is that supposed to mean

ashtonofbricks: despite your odd defence mechanism of pushing people away, they still manage to love you
ashtonofbricks: someone always finds a way
ashtonofbricks: it doesn't matter what happens to you, when you're in love, it works out

caluminthehood: in shitty rom-com movies
caluminthehood: not real life
caluminthehood: in real life, people are sad, drunk, OD-ing everywhere, and overall just aren't enjoying life
caluminthehood: in movies, people get what they want
caluminthehood: here, the best thing that could happen to a person is death

ashtonofbricks: i'm not going to
change your mind, am i?

caluminthehood: probably not

ashtonofbricks: that's fair
ashtonofbricks: everyone thinks differently
ashtonofbricks: doesn't mean you're wrong

caluminthehood: those are the words of a passive-aggressive teacher
caluminthehood: calling me stupid without calling me stupid
caluminthehood: i do not appreciate that

ashtonofbricks: i'm not calling you stupid
ashtonofbricks: i'm saying that we have different views
ashtonofbricks: just because everything is pointless
ashtonofbricks: doesn't mean there's no point in TRYING to make it mean more

caluminthehood: mm

ashtonofbricks: can you tell me one positive thing about the world
ashtonofbricks: forgetting all the shit happening in your life
ashtonofbricks: tell me something good about this planet and the people on it

caluminthehood: i can say something about people?

ashtonofbricks: as long as it's something positive

caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: one positive thing about the human race
caluminthehood: let me think
caluminthehood: um
caluminthehood: you

ashtonofbricks: how is my existence beneficial to anything on earth

caluminthehood: you make me smile
caluminthehood: that's gotta be worth something, right?

ashtonofbricks: aw
ashtonofbricks: i suppose

caluminthehood: see
caluminthehood: one positive thing
caluminthehood: bam

ashtonofbricks: you complimented me

caluminthehood: compliments are positive

ashtonofbricks: you're adorable

caluminthehood: whatever you say
caluminthehood: wow
caluminthehood: i was feeling very poetic just then
caluminthehood: damn

ashtonofbricks: it was pretty good

caluminthehood: i'm sorry
caluminthehood: pRETtY gOoD
caluminthehood: you can do better than that

ashtonofbricks: what's wrong with you

caluminthehood: there's not enough time to discuss that
caluminthehood: just coMplImeNt mE

ashtonofbricks: those were amazing words
ashtonofbricks: truly poetic and book worthy
ashtonofbricks: and if you weren't speaking about suicide
ashtonofbricks: i'd be very happy

caluminthehood: thank you

ashtonofbricks: does it really count if you had to ask?

caluminthehood: guess not
caluminthehood: but at this point i could not care less
caluminthehood: just wanna die

ashtonofbricks: you should talk to someone about that
ashtonofbricks: clearly i'm not helping you

caluminthehood: you're helping
caluminthehood: but as soon as we stop talking
caluminthehood: i feel like shit again
caluminthehood: it's the weirdest thing
caluminthehood: i feel worse when we're not talking

ashtonofbricks: cause you like meeee

caluminthehood: well yeah
caluminthehood: but only 47%

ashtonofbricks: scuse you
ashtonofbricks: i am worthy of at least a 50%

caluminthehood: i haven't known you that long
caluminthehood: i'm not gonna be like
caluminthehood: "oh Ashton, you are my one true love"
caluminthehood: after two months of knowing you
caluminthehood: every time you say something sweet
caluminthehood: you get like 2% added

ashtonofbricks: and every time i say something stupid or mean
ashtonofbricks: it drops

caluminthehood: exactly
caluminthehood: well not when you say something stupid
caluminthehood: i like feeling smarter than you on the rare occasion that it happens

ashtonofbricks: should i be stupid more often?

caluminthehood: no
caluminthehood: i like you
caluminthehood: just be you

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

ashtonofbricks: okay

[ ashtonofbricks is offline ]

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Very serious chapter, aha

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