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chapter twenty-six

Months passed like minutes, but nothing changed. No matter how hard we tried, we still got hated for every small thing we did.

Jeongguk and I turned 16 a few days ago, but I didn't feel like celebrating it. What was there to celebrate anyway?

The change of my age isn't going to change me or my situation, it's just a different number.

It's tiring, really. I haven't talked to my grandmother in many months, Jaehyun is still upset with me because my dumbass doesn't know how to properly apologize, and I feel like literal shit in general.

My life has become so monotone and plain. Every day, I go to practice, go to work, get back and maybe get a wink of sleep when I'm not occupied with schoolwork.

"Ahri, eat!" Jin exclaims as he pushes my plate in front of me, annoyed with my stubbornness.

"No!" I disagree childishly as I push it back away.

"Aish, this girl," he massages his temples, "you haven't properly eaten in weeks!"

Crossing my arms, I sink down in my seat in front of the table.

"Eat this shit now," Yoongi states in a dangerously low voice as he motions towards the plate in front of me, staring at me hardly.

In the past few months, Yoongi has gotten much more patient. Whatever his own struggles may be, he must've figured them out on his own. But even the calmest cloud rains at times.

Scoffing annoyingly, I stand up from my seat. "Just leave me alone," I mumble and slam the kitchen door close to head to our shared bedroom.

Sitting down on my own bed, I pull my phone out to read more of the comments about us.

Sometimes, there are positive opinions about our group, but most of them have something against me since they think I'm destroying the band and that I don't belong here.

Honestly, I read those comments every day. The boys would kill me if they knew since they think that it only brings negativity into the group's spirit.

But I can't help it, it became addicting somehow. Filling my life up with more and more negativity, leaving me completely empty as more shade and darkness enters my system.

My finger scrolls down the phone as I read more comments, mostly about me, calling me names and saying how I'm not worth it and that I simply don't fit in.

Lips turning downwards, my eyes get glassier while reading all of them.

Why won't they like me? Am I that bad?

Turning my phone off, I put it on the bedside table and lay down on my bed, my eyes feeling heavy because of the lack of sleep I have.

Slowly, my eyes close themselves and I drift away to sleep, captivated in a dream once again.

"I'm so proud of you," my grandmother states as she smiles at me and my members.

A big smile forms on my lips as I engulf her in a tight hug. "I missed you so much," I whisper as I inhale her scent.

Many tear drops escape my eyes as I keep on hugging her. She pulls away and strokes them away with her thumbs softly.

"Don't cry, Yona," she smiles at me, "I'm always by your side."

"If I'm not physically by your side, trust me that I will always be in your heart," she whispers to me as she backs away slowly.

Eyes widening, I try to take a hold on her hand, but I'm being pulled away by black creatures.

The boys are gone, not beside me anymore.

Waterfall-like tears leave my eyes as I'm trying to push them away with all my might.

"No!" I yell as my grandmother is being held by a black figurine.

"Don't leave me," I whisper.

But it's too late, she's already gone.

Eyes opening widely, I stare at the ceiling. I started having more nightmares after our debut. Even with the boys being beside me, they won't stop. This is the first one about my grandmother, though.

Was that foreshadowing? The superstitious hypothesis causes my heart to speed up instantly.

I tried to come up with a rational explanation for them, but nothing seems to be right or logical

Sighing loudly, I rub my eyes tiredly.

No sleep again, I guess.

Standing up slowly, I quietly go out of the room since the boys' are all deep in slumber.

Going upstairs, I open the door to the rooftop and sit down on the floor.

Taking in many breaths, I enjoy the rare calmness within me.

There is a silence to my soul, I am fall leaves under frost. I feel the chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to a standstill.

Part of it is a pain, yet one I can endure, one I can distract myself from through night after night without the anesthesia of false hope. This is my winter, I wait for spring and the chattering of the birds.

It's like a void. A dark void. A never-ending dark void that consumes everything, so you're left feeling nothing. Empty.

Nothing to subside your hollow soul that creeps in the shadows, away from any other human life because it's emptiness is so consuming it cannot bear to pretend that everything is okay.

Nothing is okay! The boys walk around this earth each day and pretend that everything is okay, and it always will be, but it's not.

My body starts to shiver because of the sudden coldness, making me wrap my arms around myself since I forgot to bring a jacket with me.

Suddenly, a jacket is carefully placed above my shoulders. Looking up with wide eyes, I gaze at my member in shock.

"Hey," Namjoon smiles lightly as he sits down beside me.

"Hello," I mumble quietly while looking at the ground, "thanks."

"Don't mention it, Ahri," he states and looks ahead to the risen moon, his eyes sparkling in the dark night.

A comfortable silence takes upon us until he decides to break it. "It's a natural step in the process, so it's okay to feel confused at this point of life," he mumbles.

Looking aside, I stare at him with furrowed brows. "They say people live to be happy. If you actually think about what happiness is, it's nothing much. When you get to eat ramen after feeling really really hungry, that's happiness," he locks his eyes with mine and smiles, his dimples poking into his skin.

Bobbing my head to the side, I think about his wise words intensely. "Stop letting negativity enter your life. Life is much more worth than that," are his last words before he simply stands up and leaves.

Sighing softly, my mind wanders off to his words and the meaning of them.

After a few hours, I head back inside and simply lay down on my bed.

My mind is empty as I lay there lifelessly.

Suddenly, the alarm of someone's phone goes off, telling me that it's time to get ready for breakfast.

Standing up quietly, I trek towards the kitchen to cook some breakfast, an attempt or an apology for my rudeness yesterday.

I hate being like this towards them since all they want to do is help me, so I want to make it up to them.

Pulling out some ingredients, I quickly start to cook while humming a melody softly.

Maybe today won't be that bad.

Smiling to myself faintly, I put the meal on the plates and can already hear the boys coming towards the kitchen.

"You tell her," Hoseok whispers while pushing Yoongi.

"What, me?" No! I'm bad with words!" I can hear Yoongi disagreeing.

"Move," Jin states and goes inside, "cowards."

"Hello, hyung," I smile at them, "I'm sorry for being rude yesterday, I didn't mean to—"

"Ahri," he cuts me off, a serious expression on his face, making a frown build on my forehead.

He inhales quickly as he keeps his eyes locked with mine. "I don't know how to say this," he mumbles while taking many strides towards me, gazing at me sadly.

"What is it?" I ask him curiously, kind of worried as well.

"Y-Your," he stutters and quickly clears his throat, "your grandmother."

My eyebrows furrow in confusion as perplexity is written all over my face. "What's with her?" I ask him carefully.

"She passed away."

The now shattered plate on the ground is the best representation of myself.

My mouth is agape as I stare at him, blinking many times as I process the news.

Eyes shifting to the side, they become glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As I blink, they drip from my eyelids, after many years of not crying, and slide down my cheeks.

I bite my lip tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wants to escape from my mouth.

"Yona?" Jimin calls out quietly while laying a careful hand on my shoulder.

My eyes are gazing at the shattered plate in front of me, my lips completely dry all of a sudden.

"This is way too early..." I croak out, breath heavy. "It's way too early for that. She can't leave. She can't just leave me! Not like that!"

The boys glance at each other, not knowing what to do. Jimin pulls me into a hug decisively.

He wraps his arms around me in a protective manner, securing me from everything related to negativity.

Stroking my hair softly, he embraces me tighter as I start to cry quietly.

Many tears leave my eyes. If I told this to myself a few months ago, I would probably laugh at myself absurdly.

His body is radiating warmth as I sink in deeper into his touch.

"I have no one left," I sob into his chest.

"She was the only one," I hiccup, "the only one who was beside me after all my shit."

"And I didn't even appreciate it. She left me before I could even apologize to her," I start to throw my fists against his chest out of anger to myself.

"I didn't tell her how sorry I am," I pull away and start to scream.

"It's way too early!"

The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child.

There is static in my head once more, the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress I live with.

I hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give.

That's the way it is when people are hard. It's like theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

"You did it again, Ahri," I think out loud, making their brows furrow in confusion.

"I can't do this anymore," I whisper to myself as I slowly let myself fall down on the ground.

The boys are quick to pull me back up. Yoongi holds me up softly and wraps his arms around me with the others.

"You're not alone," Taehyung whispers as he starts to cry himself.

A few sobs leave Jeongguk. "We're your family, Yonnie," he sniffles.

"You have us," Hoseok strokes my hair as many tears run down his face.

"We won't let you fall down."