"you just killed five demons! what do you have to say for yourself?" julian demanded.

"oops?" henri raised a disinterested brow from where he was draped over the armchair, lips stained cherry red from the lollipop he twirled between his fingers.

"how can you be so unconcerned about all this?  you could've avoided killing them if you tried."

"look," henri swung his legs off of the arm rest. "when you have magic like mine, it's inevitable. some sacrifices have to be made."

"but doesn't it take something out of you? aren't you burning inside?"

henri's face sobered up, all traces of humor dissipating. "you get used to it."

"that's just the thing, henri. you shouldn't have to be used to killing people to get what you want!"

henri stood with a sigh and shuffled into the kitchen, running a hand through his dark curls. "if i wanted a lecture on morals and sin, i'd have gone to church."

"come on, you know that's not what i'm trying to do."

he didn't look at julian, just poured himself a cup of coffee and hoisted himself onto the counter.

there was a moment of tense silence.

quietly, henri said, "they were going to hurt you."

"you don't know that-"

"yes," henri snapped. "i do. do you know how many people i've lost to their kind? how many friends, how many lovers, they've taken from me?"

"i-"

"i know by now what their bloodlust looks like. i know the exact look in their eyes when they intend to kill, and i wasn't about to lose you too! you think it's easy? you think i don't wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the things i've done? but dammit jules, i have no other choice!"

he took shuddering breaths, pressing his fists into his eyelids until he saw spots. julian was quiet.

finally, julian whispered, "henri," and he felt a hand touch his knee, cursing at the way his muscles relaxed into the familiar warmth.

slowly, julian's fingers circled his wrist, pulling it away from his face. his hands were shaking.

"look at me," he squeezed at his pulse point, the same way he did during henri's panic attacks.

henri blinked his eyes open, unable to stop the tears from falling now. julian guided his hand to his cheek, pressing it into his warm skin.

"i'm here. you're not going to lose me, okay?" he breathed, reaching his own hand to wipe the tears off of henri's face.

henri leaned into the touch, letting julian lead him off of the counter and back onto the couch.

he pressed henri's hand to his chest, right over his heart.

henri kissed him, soft and slow and easy, and he could feel julian's heartbeat, could feel his warm hand against his cheek.

julian pulled back, still close enough for his words to ghost over henri's lips. "i'm alive."