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It has already been two weeks since the sultana was exiled and that we left to Amasya , the capital had an eerie vibe and i personally couldn't spend a day more there .

I was sitting on the couch of my room trying to help nergisşah to sleep when all of a sudden mahidevran sultan barged in my room making me jump in surprise .

« Sultana » I said standing there in surprise noticing her pale face and her panicked state « I did something horrible » she covered her mouth and started circling around my room in panic while i tried to understand her .

« Sultana tell me what happened ? » i asked as i grabbed both of her arms trying to make her stand still « I- » she muttered while looking down at the floor .

« I killer someone .. » i raised my eyebrow in shock and waited for her to tell me who did she kill « Mehmet .. » I stepped back a bit trying to process what i just heard .

« Mehmet ? Do you mean the » she interrupted me nodding aggressively « Yes him .. i had to do it to protect mustafa » she wiped her tears away trying to calm herself down a little .

« Sultanim this is very dangerous ? how did this happen ? how can you do something like this? » I didn't excpect her to do such thing at all , killing a prince is not easy work to do .

« I- he was infected with smallpox and i was the one who infected him » my mind froze , this was the exact same way hurrem sultan used to kill me and hearing it happen to someone else made chills run down my spine.

« Does anyone know he has been killed yet. ? » i asked trying to get more informations and she nodded , but the first thing that went through my head was mustafa .. he loved his brother wholeheartedly and i couldn't even imagine the state he would be in .

« Mustafa .. » i muttered forgetting about whatever i was doing and the sultana's presence , before i tried to take a step the sultana grabbed my arm making me turn around to face her .

« Don't tell him , you can't tell him i did this » she looked at me almost begging me not to say a thing but i never hid anything from mustafa and i couldn't hide this big of a truth .

I looked down at the floor and thought about this whole thing , she killed an innocent man . the great son of hurrem sultan was killed and this was going to destroy her dream about enthroning one of her sons as it made mustafa one step closer to the throne .

« I did all of this for Mustafa » She said determined with little sign of remorse on her face « Excuse me » i said stepped out of the room , i stood outside and took deep breaths trying to take this truth in .

I walked away and headed to Mustafa's room , the guards were standing by the door and didn't open the door for me .

« Open the door » i ordered not having the mood to argue with them « his highness doesn't wish to see anyone » the guard talked back fuelling me with anger .

Before i can start raising my voice , Yahya came walking towards me from afar and based on the look on his face , he didn't look like he had good things to say .

« Sultana » he bowed down to me and signaled me to follow him , we walked a bit further from the guards and stopped .

« His highness is not feeling well , i guess you heard about what happened » he said with a hint of sadness in his face . « I know and i can't imagine how he feels now » i said putting my hand on my forehead in frustration.

« Sultana be honest with me , do you have a hand in this ? » his question caught me off guard and i immediately denied « Of course not , do you think i find pleasure in killing people ? » i felt a bit attacked by his question but he immediately apologised .

« I am sorry it's just that .. it's so sudden , he was fine until he fell sick but i am sure hurrem sultan will not let this slide , she will reach the end of the tunnel in this » He stated and i couldn't help but feel guilty even if i had no hand in this .

« I want to see mustafa , i want to be with him » i said looking at his door feeling sorry for him .

« This is why i asked you , his highness feels things deeply and if he finds out you had a hand in this or even mahidevran sultan he will be more devastated and no one excpects what he can do » Yahya explained leaving me standing there alone , his thoughts resonated with me and guilt was already eating me from the inside out.

I could stand there and do nothing so i opened the door myself despite the guards trying to stop me , I saw mustafa standing by the fireplace and contemplating the fire in peace .

I bowed down but he didn't move or budge when he heard the door open , his back was facing me and i couldn't bear seeing him like this .

«  Mustafa » I whispered taking a step towards him , i put my arms around his waist and hugged him from behind « I am so sorry this happened » He looked up at the ceiling and it was obvious he was crying .

« My brother , my dear brother died » i the pain in his voice was clear and it reminded me of how i felt when my father died , my whole world crashed that i couldn't talk to anyone for days .

« It's going to be okay mustafa , don't hold your tears back » i stepped infront of him to see his face and i wasn't wrong , his eyes were red and the look on his face was very different from what i was used to .

« My brother died so young how can life be this cruel to him » He whispered trying to stop himself from crying , he shook his head while looking down at the floor .

He stayed silent for some moments before his hands reached my chin , he looked at me in the eyes as if he was searching for something in them .

" Do you have a hand in this ?" his question made my heart drop to my stomach , words were stuck on my lips as i felt attacked by this question  " No mustafa i don't why did you ask me ? do you really think i'm capable of doing this ?"

" No i didn't mean to imply that.. forget it i'm not feeling well" his hands dropped down and so did my expression .

" He died strangely, it reminded me of your experience too . can it truly be someone's wrong doing ?" He stated and i completely understood what he meant .

I felt lost , part of me wanted to tell him the truth about mahidevran sultan but a part of me couldn't throw her in the fire , she did so much for me and i knew she did this to protect him only .

I didn't like hiding things from him , i felt sick to my stomach but i stayed quite . i stayed with him for some more time before i left to my room .

Mustafa have decided to leave to Manisa to attend mehmed's funerals , i felt like it wasn't my place to go with him because i physically and mentally couldnt handle all the pain as it reminded me of my father's passing and on top of all hurrem sultan would try to kill me again and make my life miserable as of course she'd blame me or mustafa for this .

at the same time i didn't want to leave him alone , but i was scared for my
life after what happened to me last time , especially with the way her son died she would definitely point fingers at me .

Mahidevran sultan was going with him and i didn't know what to feel about her anymore , she was the mother i never had and seeing this side of her was a bit frightening but i realised she had no choice , she was driven by what she experienced in order to kill someone . After all Hurrem tried to kill mustafa so many times , mehmet was very kind and he didn't deserve to pay for his mother's sins .

When night time came i knew it was time for them to leave so i went to see mustafa one last time to tell him goodbye , that's where i found ayse and her daughter standing next to his chambers.

I saw Yahya standing by the door but he carme walking towards me « Sultana why aren't you going ? » he asked .

« I can't go , i am not ready to be immersed in such tragic circumstances » I expressed my feelings calmly « I just came to tell him goodbye »

« Sultana .. i am sorry if this will come out as rude but » i saw the hesitation in his eyes and i felt that i knew what he was about to say « Do you have a hand in this ? i'm not saying this to attack you but to protect you »

« No i don't , you're right you shouldn't have asked this question » i got a bit annoyed by his question « I am very sorry i crossed my boundaries » he stepped back looking regretful .

I sighed and waited outside until the guards let me in , i saw mustafa standing wearing a black caftan . it was the first time i've seen him wear black .

« Mustafa » I called him softly as i walked towards him and hugged him tight , he quickly embraced me and put his arms around my waist .

« I will be back and in the meantime i want you to take care of yourself and Nergisşah well » He started giving me talks as if i wasn't going to see him again .

« You will be back in three days » i reminded him almost giving him an order « I will try » he answered bluntly.

« I can't trust anyone there , and your life now is more at risk than ever. Please ? » i asked breaking the hug to look at his face .

« I know but my father needs me , i am sure he will need my company . but if i am not much needed i will comeback to  you » I smiled just enough to make him think my worry was not big but in reality i was terrified something was going to happen to him .

« Mihrimah is coming with me too , i want you to take care of the preparations before i come back » He gave me one last instruction which made my stomach drop .

What was she coming to do here ? Why in this particular time ? i felt very uneasy and unsettled but i didn't show him any reaction . but one thing i knew for sure is that she was up to no good

« stay safe mustafa i love you » i kissed him goodbye and he gently ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead one last time before i left his room .

Ayse was still standing by the door and that's when i realised that she was leaving with mustafa , i did not have any thoughts on this because jealousy was never an issue for me . I knew where i stood in his eyes and nothing and no one was going to change my mind.

On the hallway i saw Mahidevran sultan followed by her servan Fidan , after our encounter earlier i felt something change in my vision of her but still i couldn't ignore the admiration i had for her .

« Thank you for not saying anything » She whispered to me as i stopped walking , I raised my eyes and looked at her « Trust me sultana , i don't know how to process this but .. i don't know if i can hide it from him » i voiced my true opinion and hoped that she would understand me.

«  This is for the better , if you tell him .. he will hate me for life . you cannot tell him stella » She explained calmly as if i was not indirectly threatening to tell mustafa everything .

I bowed down to her and went back to my room , everything was overwhelming and i felt very uncomfortable about this whole situation .

———-

Reading books and telling Nergisşah stories she couldn't understand was how i spend these past days , after mustafa left i felt so alone and this palace felt empty but i tried to occupy myself with preparing the palace for Mihrimah sultan as they were set to arrive today .

Since i was the only one that stayed here i was the only one one waiting in his room along with my daughter . Soon after the door opened and revealed mustafa who still had the same look on his face , exhaustion .

« Mustafa » I walked towards him and hugged him immediately careful not to drop my daughter , he held me close and put his hand on the top of my head as he leaned in to place a small kiss.

« How have you been ? You've been doing fine ? » he asked taking my daughter in his arms , he kissed her cheeks as she giggled and squealed when she saw her father .

« I should be the one to ask you , you don't look fine » I said letting the words out of my mouth « How can i be ? » he sighed and walked towards the couch to sit .

« If only you could see how devastated my father was , and hurrem sultan especially . I don't feel bad for her but my father has never looked this broken before » He expressed himself while looking at our daughter giving me the impression that he was way too hurt and sad .

« Losing a child is not easy and you also lost a brother , i can't imagine how you feel right now » I tried to comfort him because i felt the same when i lost my father .

« It feels like i don't have the right to do that you know ? to feel sad because everyone is thinking about one thing the throne . everyone thinks i should be celebrating and that im happy about all what happened » he finally looked up at me « It's suffocating , i hate how everyone thinks about one thing and not my feelings , even my father .. sometimes i feel like he sees me as an enemy , it feels like he thinks i'm happy i got rid of mehmet »

He let go a long sigh and shook his head « Everything is confusing .. if there was another one in my place , they would've celebrated that the throne was finally theirs but i can't help but hate the throne even more »

I stayed silent letting him process his thoughts , i could tell he had. a lot of things going on in his head , millions of ideas and questions that he was unable to answer . I knew hurrem sultan said some things that triggered him that is why he was talking like this .

« Mustafa , stop thinking about others . What matter is you , you should process what happened and grieve your brother first that's what matters now . I know hurrem sultan said some things but don't mind her , she's just at loss now and everyone knows how much you loved your brother and even your father knows , please mustafa .. » I grabbed both of his hands and brought them close to my face .

Before he could answer me , Yahya knocked on the door and entered after mustafa gave him the permission.

« Your highness , Mihrimah sultan wants to see you » He announced leaving us there looking at each other , he quietly nodded « Individually your highness » Mustafa looked at me and handed me my daughter .

« Be careful mustafa » was the only thing i said before leaving his room , on the door i saw mihrimah standing there .

« I offer you my condolences sultana » I said bowing down to her , she looked at me for some time and nodded acknowledging my words .

I sensed the stress coming from her , she looked like she was eager for something or she was about to do something . I still walked away because i already had an eye on her , i was going to know her every move .