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━━━━ " 📂  "

𝙋 𝘼 𝙍 𝘼 𝘿 𝙄 𝙎 𝙀

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"I KNOW, I'M AN AWFUL PERSON... don't look at me like that." Nancy's eyes were ringed with confusion and tiny shimmers of something that looked a lot like tears. "You know, right? That's why you were talking to him earlier?"

Sadie nodded slowly. "I... er... yeah, it was." There was a pause. "Do you wanna talk about it? How much do you remember?"

"I didn't remember a lot. Um, I remember dancing, drinking, spilling punch on my blouse... Steve getting mad because I was drinking so much - which is definitely true considering my headache. But it's kinda spotty. I remember being in the bathroom and having a fight, but I thought it was Steve who took my home when actually it was Jonathan." Nancy fell quiet for a moment. "I also remember being a bitch to you."

"You weren't a bitch to me." Sadie quickly shook her head. "You were a bitch to Steve, but you weren't a bitch to me. We were just doing the same thing, getting drunk to try and forget some of the guilt."

"Yeah, Steve mentioned you felt the same. About Barb and her parents." Nancy nodded slowly. She was quiet for a moment, her expression clearly displaying her emotions and confusion as she thought things through. "You and Steve seem pretty close these days... but can I tell you something, as your best friend?"

"You can tell me anything," Sadie replied, and she was being honest.

"I'm not... I don't feel as though I thought I would feel if me and Steve broke up." Nancy brought her legs up to her chest as she spoke, cradling them as she avoided eye contact. "I feel... almost relieved. I felt so stressed, so heavy yesterday when I was last in here. I thought I saw her, you know? One of the girls, she had her back turned and I thought it was Barb. Everything felt so heavy, I felt so guilty... and now I feel lighter."

"You and Steve breaking up felt like a weight off your shoulders," Sadie repeated the words, tasting them over in her mouth. "I... I have to ask. I know what was said in the argument, Steve told me, I just want to know if... did you ever love Steve?"

Nancy stared at her for a moment. "I... I thought I did. I really thought I loved him. But if I don't... well you know what alcohol's supposed to do to you, it lets you be truly honest, like some kind of truth serum."

"Mhm. Lowers your inhibitions, the walls of lies you so carefully put up - that sounds harsh - I mean the walls of lies your brain comes up with without you knowing to hide your true feelings. Jean-Jaques Rousseau did famously say 'a drunk mind speaks a sober heart'. He was a drunkard too. A lot of philosophers are - especially the Ancient Greek ones. All they had was red wine, which affects the cognitive thinking that stems from the cerebral cortex, that's usually an area of rational thinking."

Nancy stared at her for a moment. "You know way too many things." She shook her head. "But yeah. I guess... I guess drinking that god-awful punch allowed me to realise my true feelings. Feelings that I had ignored in passing and finally got the confidence to actually say them."

"That and emotions were definitely high. With the whole... other things." Sadie had never felt so conflicted in her life, her heart being pulled in all sorts of ways and her morals splitting off with them. "Okay. So um... now that Steve is bullshit and you're not in love like you thought, you feel like a weight's been taken off of your shoulders." She repeated it out. "Sorry - I'm too harsh. I completely lack a filter at times and I have a pretty bad headache."

"No, it's fine." Nancy swallowed. "I said it, right?" She shrugged. "I can take it, I know I can."

"Okay then." Sadie looked moderately proud of her friend, despite everything. "All things considered, I think you're more confident than you were last year. So if your relationship with Steve hasn't ended in the stereotypical high school-sweetheart to marriage to kids pipeline, at least you've got that"

"So I have." The Wheeler nodded, matching Sadie's expression. "I don't know if I don't love Steve. I think I did... I think I still do. But... I'm just afraid that I've been pretending everything with Barb has been fine for so long... what if I was pretending with him too?"

"That's something you'll have to figure out," Sadie replied sagely. "How did Steve seem when he told you?"

"Angry.. rightly so. But he wasn't as upset as I thought he would be." Nancy shrugged.

"He's good at hiding things. I... he... I have to just tell you." Sadie swallowed. "Last night, I was pretty drunk too. I'd listened to Steve after you'd fallen out, and I was pretty drunk so he tried to take me home but I refused to go so I slept in one of his guest rooms." Nancy paused for a moment, before nodding and somewhat disregarding it. "Sorry - it's relevant. But I obviously woke up there and with a headache and everything... and Steve seemed... fine. He was like his usual self. He's pretty good at bottling it up."

"Yeah, he is." Nancy nodded. She was clearly distracted, gaze elsewhere. "I think I loved him. I think I still do." She corrected. For the second time. "But it's... hard. I feel so guilty about Barb all the time and now I feel less guilty and... I don't know." She let out a groan, hiding her face in her hands.

"Nancy." Sadie sat forward, her arm landing over her friend's shoulders. "It's fine to be confused, you know? I mean, personally, I wouldn't know what it feels like - hey!" She laughed, feeling Nancy jab at her ribs. "What about Jonathan."

"What about Jonathan?"

"Well, he took you home, didn't he? And after everything last year even Mike thought-"

"I don't love Jonathan." Nancy replied, very quickly defensive. Sadie rose her eyebrows. "I - no, I don't love him, and don't look at me like that. He's my friend, like you're my friend."

"I love you and everything Nance, but not in that way." Sadie shook her head. "I'm not saying that you're in love with him, but at the very least you like him. You two went through so much last year... and he understands."

"He understands what?"

"He understands about what it's like, with Barb. I know what it's like but I can only sympathise with your feelings but not explain them... because I feel them too." Sadie hummed, her arm still around her shoulders. "Jonathan's been through it too, with Will. And besides, you can check with him about what happened when you went home."

"Good idea." Nancy nodded. "I - er - Steve mentioned you said you could help him with his essay? I think that's a good idea. I don't want you to not be friends with him because of me."

"Okay, yeah, I can help him. You go and find Jonathan at lunch, speak to him, and I'll help Steve." Sadie replied, and watched as Nancy nodded, sitting up. "And... I'm glad that you feel like a weight's been lifted, Nance, I really am."

"Yeah." Nancy sat up, reaching for her bag. "I feel so guilty about everything... but in a different way to before. I just... thanks for the advice, Sadie."

Sadie only smiled. "No worries, Nance. I'll always be ready for you to talk to, no matter who else I'm friends with." She replied. "I'll always be there for you. Always. Absolutely always. I promise."

Nancy looked as though she could cry, reaching out to hug her friend again. "I know you will." It was a promise they made to each other, a promise they hadn't been able to make with Barb. And that wasn't going to happen again. They wouldn't let it.

✧

After their joint free period in the library, Nancy and Sadie had shared an algebra lesson before lunch. But since then, the Henderson hadn't seen Nancy. Not in the cafeteria, not in the hallways, not in their usually shared Biology class, and she was nowhere to be seen when Sadie emerged from her final period of the day, which was when she usually saw her coming out of the doorway of the class opposite.

Which was... concerning to say the least. Nancy wasn't really the type to skip school much, unless something really important happened - but nothing that important happened in Hawkins. Sadie had easily come too the conclusion that after the activities and significant events of the night before that then carried on into the morning, that Nancy most likely wasn't feeling well. That had to be it, there was no sense in it being anything otherwise.

Without her best friend to walk with, Sadie made her way to her locker alone, depositing the books and folder she didn't need within and retrieving the homework she had begun earlier that day but was yet to finish. Her attention was waning significantly, still not feeling incredible overall, and she really needed to get it done.

But much like everything else in her life at that moment, things weren't going to plan, and as she walked through the halls towards the exit, she heard her name shouted from down the hall, and when she turned around, Steve was walking towards her.

"Hi." He smiled once they fell into step together, almost a little shyly. "How you feeling?" He asked.

Sadie paused, thinking it through. "Well, I don't have a headache anymore." Her head tilted, finding his smile quite contagious and Steve watched as it bloomed on her lips. "I don't feel sick, and I've come up with a plan to build up my tolerance in moderation."

"That makes sense."

Sadie nodded slowly. Her fingers knitted around the fabric of her sweater. "I don't want to get so drunk I forget things again." She added.

"Good plan." Steve wasn't even lying. There was so much he didn't remember happening because he was drunk, and only managed to find out the details of because someone else had managed to retain the information. "You... you like to know things, right? I - I don't mean it like that. I mean..." Steve paused, floundering. "It's good - amazingly good - you like to be aware. Not knowing doesn't suit you."

She studied him for a moment, the pair of them emerging from the exit from the school. They didn't manage to get far though, Sadie ending up with her back pressed against one of the brick columns that held up the detached roof. "You're right. And you don't need to be so nervous. I won't get upset about some misconception someone has of me and then voices. If I've portrayed myself in that manner and it's been interpreted incorrectly... well depending on what it is I can't really get upset." She shrugged. "...Steve?"

He had been staring at her, he realised with a start, and suddenly came back to life, pulling a hand through his hair. Steve had no clue what was going on his brain; it had been going into haywire ever since than morning whenever he saw a flash of burnt orange wool or blonde hair. It didn't make sense to him, unless he was trying to compensate for his breakup. But the problem was that theory... well Steve didn't really feel as though he'd been through a breakup. He felt like he'd come to some altering realisation. Of what he was realising, he wasn't so sure of.

"Sorry." Steve swallowed. "Sorry - I keep ducking in and out today... it's weird. But it's a good plan. It's good to be aware."

She nodded, before her focus changed. "What about you? How are you feeling?"

That was a question that Steve had been simultaneously anticipating and dreading. He knew that by asking Sadie's current state it would open up an opportunity to the can of worms that was his thoughts. And try as he might, he didn't feel quite up to lying to the girl he'd kissed the night before, who might possibly be the smartest, most level-headed person in the tri state area. "Well... physically, a lot better. This morning I asked Nancy if she loved me this morning. She didn't answer."

"Oh, Harrington." Sadie met out a sigh, hugging her book closer to her chest.

"I don't need your sympathy." Steve watched something flash in her eyes. "I didn't mean... that was harsh. I don't like being pitied." He didn't know where the hatred had come from, whether it was his dad or falling in with the wrong sort of people when it came to friends in high school.

Sadie shifted on her feet. "In that case, I'm not being sympathetic."

"Good, I appreciate that." He avoided her gaze, feeling it searching his expression for something, before she cleared her throat.

"Is there a reason you're being awkward?" She asked. That was another thing about her that Steve had found out over the course of the year following Will's disappearance and the joint effort to injure the Demogorgon. She was level headed and straight forward. He was pretty certain that if she ever ended up turning thoughts over and over, day after day, it would overwhelm her knowledge-weary mind. "Is it because we kissed? I mean I might have been drunk but I do remember it, and you clearly do. It wasn't exactly the most simple of kisses, both figuratively and literally."

Steve exhaled deeply. He had never been as innately aware of his emotions until that point, the moment so private between them yet invaded by people slowly filtering out of school until they were a part of the last few dregs to leave. "I guess I just feel like shit." He shrugged, truthful. "Because - because.. it was your first kiss. And I'm... I was.."

"In love with Nancy?" Sadie inputted. If she was hurt, she didn't show it at all. Her expression was calm, almost relaxed, and her tone the closest to nonchalant Steve had seen in a girl talking about kissing him - not that it was anything special, really.

"Yeah. That." He replied, distracted. There was a bitter taste flooding his senses. The type he usually got when he felt guilty for something particularly nasty Carol had said, or when he was lying to someone - not about a bit of homework that he didn't do; but an actual lie.

Sadie didn't seem to share his distraction nor self-confusion, one of the hands crossed over her stomach moving to wave dismissively in front of her. "Well stuff like that - first kisses, losing your virginity - I don't really really think it's that special anyway. I ate donuts for breakfast the other day for the first time, and it wasn't exactly a momentous occasion."

"So you don't mind?" The bud of confusion was growing slightly, switching between meanings and to and from points. Steve couldn't believe his luck. Every time he thought about the kiss it was a tumultuous storm of emotions. For Sadie, it was causing her stress in her friendships, and although it was supposed to be something special... she didn't feel the need to play into it.

"Nope, not at all." The Henderson was so glad she was somewhat of a practised liar in the art of self preservation, because it was clear that, despite majority of her own claims, her first kiss was something to her - even if she believed it was so much as a social construct destined to make people feel bad that they hadn't had some miraculous first effort at romance. It wasn't something to Steve, and he was in love with her best friend. They had done something awful that night, even if through the drunken haze she could remember a fizzy, tingle-like feeling appearing in her legs and stomach. "So dont feel bad about kissing me or anything." She continued. "And about the Nancy thing - I think it's better we just forget it, and continue like we were doing for the past year. As friends."

"As friends." Steve repeated.

"Yes." She confirmed it with a nod, pushing herself up from the column and beginning to walk alongside him once more, heading towards the small parking lot afront the school. "When are you planning on showing me that essay so I can help you with it? Is it finished?"

His expression brightened when he realised she had surpassed the sentiment and decided to help him with his essay now that he and Nancy were clearly not in a place to work together successfully. It dulled with embarrassment moments later. "Well... yeah. But it's not any good and the early admissions deadline was today... and I left it at home."

Sadie stopped short and turned towards him. Her eyes grazed over a sight on the now familiar blue Camaro; Billy was stood with Vicki (who looked remarkably well considering her drinking abilities) awaiting his sister's arrival. Upon spotting her attentive gaze, Billy turned to face the girl beside him, who looked more than pleased. "That isn't the end of the world." She joked, smile blistering to her lips. "We'll just go by the normal deadlines, and make sure you have the best essay possible."

"Yeah." That seemed plausible to Steve - an incredible idea in fact. If there was one thing that held him back it was his ability to put together a good essay. He managed to scrape by with something average most days, but Purdue wasn't looking for average. With Sadie's help, as long as he had a good essay by March 1st, he could apply like any other. And if they were starting that week, he might only miss the deadline for early admissions by a few days instead of months. "Yeah, okay um.. it wasn't good. At all."

"That's okay." She reassured him with ease, and with tact. "We just need to work on it. Oh - and I can only help you, you have to write the finished thing. That's really the only term I have for this, so... what topic did you focus on?"

"A moment that had challenged me and I overcame it."

Sadie nodded, watching as he leant on the trunk of his car. "And you wrote?" She asked.

"About how I won that game against Monticello, and how my granddad was on the winning side of World War Two." Steve watched as she faltered, her mind working overtime to try and decipher thought what he had just said. "It was stupid, I know - but I couldn't think of anything else."

"Right.. I see. And yeah, it was stupid... and a pretty weird comparison." Sadie hummed, mostly to herself. "How bothered are you now that you've missed early admissions?"

"Not as much as my dad would like me to be."

"Okay. Right... let's do this properly then. Rework the entire thing... come up with different topics and see what comes best to you. Can we meet in the library after school tomorrow then?" Sadie offered, easily managing to find ideas and coming up with an entire plan that would offer Steve some proper help that Nancy didn't quite understand yet. "It'll give us some proper time to work on it and I can gather my supplies. Right now I should definitely go home... make sure my mom and Dustin know I'm alive."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay." A hand raked through his hair as he watched the blonde make her way over to the car parked a couple spaces away all the while trying to retrieve her keys from the bottom of her bag. He could quite comprehend the feeling of disappointment that had appeared from watching her go. "Yeah - I'll see you tomorrow.. have a good evening." He added, watching as she ducked down into her car and he did the same.

Steve didn't know definitively what was going on with him. But he knew something had changed - he couldn't quite figure out what; couldn't figure out why he was lying and what about, and couldn't figure out why he was so disappointed that he wouldn't see Sadie Henderson, who looked so pretty in the slightly too big terracotta coloured sweater and the several-times-folded jeans it was tucked into, until the next day. Something had flickered inside him, and all things were pointing back to his actions of the night before.