.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

xxii. negotiating with the universe

--------------------------------------------------------------

LULLED TO SLEEP WITH TEARS STILL WET ON HER CHEEKS, April tossed and turned in bed. Mind plagued with the shouts of the gentle boy who had seemingly just been in her room with her. In her bed. Sobbing. He truly, really, did steal her heart at that moment. Taking it and tucking it away in his pocket to keep because all she seems to do now is feeling empty. Empty without him.

She wasn't aware though, that at the same time she cried, at the same time she tossed and turned, Bill sat in his room. Sat at his desk, staring out the window which overlooked the street. His mind turning over and over back and forth from the final time he saw his brother wave innocently up at him on that fateful day he was taken so unexpectedly to the image of April's decaying face in Neibolt.

His throat was tight, heaving in breaths as he looks down at the sketchbook on his desk. It was her. His drawing was of her, her lips curved up in a shy smile, bangs flopping into her eyes. He did this often. He drew when he was sad. His sketchbook was filled with drawings of Georgie, the paper boat he made for him, sunflowers, and rough sketches of April's eyes.

He sighs, biting the inside of his cheek roughly as he taps his finger against the paper. Shaking his head, he closes his eyes for a moment. He hurt her. He made her cry. He said he wouldn't and he did. His mind was running in circles, saying it was for the best, saying it was better for her. It was to protect her, after all.

But, he couldn't get rid of the image of her eyes filling with tears, lip trembling, and spark beginning to fade away. He hurt her. He did. He hurt her so badly. Swallowing dryly, he gets up from his desk. Picking up the bracelet he had picked up from the ground after she ripped it off and running his thumb over it with a shaky hand.

Reaching over, he switched his lamp off before hurriedly rushing to his bed. Running his thumb over the bracelet once more before placing it on his nightstand. He begins to wonder what she's doing right now. If she was still crying or if she had fallen asleep. If she had... Oh, God. Did he make her cry herself to sleep? He feels his stomach drop at the thought, thinking about the tears on her pillow. The choked sobs she'd let out. He made a mistake. He hurt her and he had to fix it.

♧

It was a blur. Waking up, getting up from bed and forcing himself to get ready. He wasn't even sure what he was getting ready for. It's not like he'd be going anywhere. Beverly was wrong. They wouldn't be back together by the end of the day. The argument was far too heated to get fixed in a night's sleep.

His mind was mostly empty. All that filled it was her. Georgie. The clown. Her. Georgie. Her. He pushed away from the person who he really, truly opened up to about how he feels. The one person The only person.

His eyes were glossed over as he stares in the bathroom mirror, feeling a pit at the bottom of his stomach. Guilt, hurt, everything. He was feeling everything. He leans forward, hand placed on the cold white porcelain on the sink as his lip quivers. He wasn't sure what he's supposed to do. Lifting his hand off the sink and running a hand through his messy hair.

He didn't look well. Not at all. He was all eyebags and trembling hands. Inhaling sharply, he shuts his eyes for a moment. He knew what he needed to do. He was out of line yesterday. Shouting harsh words at her for no good reason than to protect her. He wasn't protecting her if he was hurting her, was he? It simply made her more vulnerable.

He had to apologize. Everything that happened was his fault. Georgie's death, going into Neibolt, the fight. It was all his fault. Breathing in deeply, he opens his eyes once again. Running a hand through his hair once more before shaking his head at his reflection and walking out of the bathroom. He had to make a plan. He just had to.

♧

April woke up early that morning. Not that it was out of the ordinary, she's always been an early riser. Tending to spend her mornings in her bedroom playing music on her cassette player and playing around with bead designs or in the living room watching one of the ever many Disney VHS tapes she has stashed in the television cabinet.

She wasn't sure what she'd do today. Having grown used to rising early, getting ready, eating breakfast and spending time with her parents before Bill would come at twelve and she'd set off for the days adventure.

It was as if so much of yesterday was blocked out, she was so distraught over the argument that she had almost forgotten the entirety of being inside Neibolt. What had even happened, she wondered. She recalled screaming, lots of it. She remembered her body aching afterwards too for whatever reason. And, Eddie's broken arm! 'Oh, poor Ed's' She thought to herself as she brushes her bangs from her face, walking towards her closet.

It was right when her hand felt for the closet knob when she remembered everything. The clown. That's why they were there. The projector. Good, God. That was it. The clown, that thing that was terrorizing the children of Derry. That thing that killed Georgie.

It was like she was winded, her hand frozen on the knob of the closet as she pushed away the worries that occupied her mind. There were bigger ones. How could she have been so foolish to forget such things? So upset over a boy to the point of blocking out the horrors faces the previous day.

There was a big problem here in Derry. A big one. But, what was a girl of her age to do? Alone, at that. Feeling her stomach flip, remembering the feeling of cockroaches on her skin, she pulls the closet open finally. Finding herself faced with the multitude of brightly coloured dressed hung up neatly.

Not bothering to even think, she grabs the first dress which her hand reaches for -- a light blue checkered dress which she often layered. Turning towards her dresser, she opens the top drawer, fishing out a pale pink ruffle sleeve top before tossing them onto her bed and stripping herself of the clothes she had fallen asleep in. Her dirty overalls.

She made a mental note to herself to clean her sheets, shuddering at the thought of grime that probably covered those overalls from all the stumbling done in Neibolt the day prior. It was an odd thought considering the circumstances but there truly wasn't anything else to contemplate anymore.

Hurriedly, she pulls the shirt on before grabbing the dress and tossing it over her head, adjusting the shirt sleeves and ruffles underneath the straps before finding her mind get tossed back into what she was so busy sobbing over just a few mere hours ago. Him. He and his cruel words cut deep into her soft skin.

It was ridiculous, she thought as begins to exit her room. Here she was, arguing with her mind like it was another person. Was this how she was before having friends? Because, gosh, was she ever going mad! One part of her was circling the drain, repeating all the words Bill had spoken to her in their friendship and ending with the words he spat yesterday. Another part was shaming herself for ever-growing feelings so quickly for a boy she barely knew. And, another part was replaying all the horrors faced this summer. The cockroaches, the projector, the house on Neibolt Street. It was all too much! She had never felt sicker.

Her throat went dry, her hand on the bannister of the staircase as she steps down the stairs. She wondered if she had puffy eyes from the night before. She probably did. She definitely did. Fiddling with one of her pigtails, she begins to think -- what would she tell her parents? She caused such a scene! She wasn't good at lying, everyone knew so. She'd have to tell half the truth. Just about the argument.

Biting her lip once her foot hits the creaky floorboards, she winces as the eerie noise. It reminded her of the creaking foyer of Neibolt and it caused a pit in her stomach. She could hear someone in the kitchen, probably her mom or Holly. It was around nine o'clock now and she knew her dad was off at the mechanic shop now.

It made her feel better knowing that. She knew her mom would ask what happened and April knew if her dad was there he'd likely lose his mind. She didn't want to deal with that. Not when she'd be sputtering half-truths and lies and the weight of Bill's words on her shoulders.

She sighs, walking into the kitchen. Finding her mom facing the counter, pouring coffee from the pot and into her mug while humming to herself. She hadn't even noticed April entering. Taking in a deep breath, preparing herself for whatever words she's about to speak and the possible tears which may come out -- April bites her lip once again.

"Morning," She starts, sitting at the dining table. She didn't even have an appetite.

Turning, Josephine smiles softly at her daughter, placing the coffee pot down and walking over to the table, mug in hand. "Morning, baby," She says, sitting down across from her. She took notice of the cloudy look in April's eyes. The lack of shine, the way they lost the sparkle. "Do you want to talk about yesterday?" She prods gently, not wanting to push the subject.

There was silence for a split second, April staring down at her hands which rested on the table before she looks up to her mom. Tears glistening in her eyes but refusing to fall. It hurt. It did. It hurt so severely. Everything was so scary and without the Losers, without him, she had never felt more unsafe. "Uhm," She starts, feeling pathetic in her meek voice. She breathes in sharply, her bottom lip flopping over her top in a quiver. "Yesterday... Well, We all got into an... Argument and... Billy and I... He..." She stumbles over her words, her voice shaky and stomach flipping at how childish she sounded. She never wanted to repeat the words he yelled at her, never, ever! "He... Yelled at me," She goes on, heaving in a deep breath.

Josephine frowns, shaking her head and beginning to realize that the crush Cain and her suspected April had on the boy was far more than that. It was so much more. A mere argument caused this outburst? It was clear. "What was the argument about?" She asks, putting as a hand on her daughters comfortingly.

"That's t-the thing, momma! I don't even know, everything happened so quickly," April lies. Partly, anyway. It was true in a sense. She wasn't even sure why Bill had said such things to her. Were they true? Did he truly not like her?

Feeling plunged into the memories of her own childhood with Cain, Josephine recalls the days where they would go hours and days without speaking because they were far too stubborn and headstrong to apologize about an argument they couldn't even remember.

It was funny in that way, the way April differed so much from her parents. Sure, she shared the same bright eyes as her mother and carefree smile as her father but in their youth, Cain and Josephine were far from the optimistic, sweet, well-mannered child their daughter was. Having known the taste of fireball and cigarettes on their tongue early on. April was just so sensitive, so quiet and shy. She didn't know how to be angry.

"You know, your dad and I used to argue a lot when we were your age," Josephine starts, April looking up in curiosity. She had rarely ever heard her parents argue. They were all loving insults and bickering. Never arguments.

Tilting her head, April feels a small feeling of reassurance fill her. Maybe, there was hope. Maybe, he didn't mean it. Maybe... Just maybe. "Really?" She questions, unsure.

Nodding, Josephine ponders her next words. "Yeah. We were always bumping heads. Drove our parents mad, they'd have to deal with two headstrong teens wailing. Makes sense why they moved back home after we got married," She chuckles, recalling the days she spent in her bedroom stubbornly refusing to communicate. "We'd always work it out though. It would take a bit but we'd always find out way back to each other," She goes on.

Bill and April would be no different. She was sure of that. They'd probably make up faster, if anything. Their friendship mirrored her and Cain's in many ways but from what she'd seen, her daughter and the boy were much more mellow, soft, and open. They don't seem like the types to refuse reconciliation, they were the type to welcome it.

April breathes in deeply, running her hand through her messy hair with a sigh. "Do you think..." She trails off, looking to hermom again with hopeful eyes.

Maybe, he didn't mean those words. Maybe, he was just angry. Just... Frazzled. That's all. Maybe, they were friends after all.

"I know," Josephine smiles. "You'll see. You'll be friends again before you know it," She goes on, patting her daughters hand softly before standing up and kissing her forehead.

Sensing the conversation coming to a close, April nods. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to my room. And... Think," She says, somewhat unsure. By think, she really meant just sit in bed and read one of her fairytale collections to pass the time and get her mind off everything.

It was a normal thing for her. Well, before she started going out. When she wasn't pestering Holly, making bracelets, or hogging the living room television, she'd often just curl up in her bedroom with a book. It was the plan once again. All alone, once again. But, this time, without hope for a prince to come save her.

♧

April always knew that things came slowly and maybe she was even waiting for something that would never happen. Maybe, she was waiting for some half-assed apology through muffled phone lines. Maybe, she was waiting for him to knock on her front door. She wasn't sure. Not at all.

Closing the book she had open, she places it on her nightstand, bringing her hands up to her eyes and rubbing them. There wasn't anything to do! How did she survive before... She shakes her head. Telling herself to forget it, forget him. He's not coming. This isn't a fairytale, April!

Inhaling, she bites her lip, standing up from her bed and wandering off her bed and towards her desk which sat right in front of the window. She sits down on her chair, running a hand through her bangs and sighing. She sat there for a moment, tapping her index finger against her desk in a rhythmic beat.

It was almost as if she zoned out completely, her cheek rested in her hand, other hand tapping against the desk, and her eyes glossed over in boredom. In that moment, she found herself free from IT's intrusive thoughts, the thought of Bill's words. She was brought back to her good days this summer, remembering the good, fun times so far. With the Losers.

She wondered how Eddie and his arm was doing, she wished that the group hadn't fallen out so she could go visit him and drop off some cookies and sign his cast. She wondered if Richie's eye was bruised and stressed in whether or not he iced it. She wondered what Stan was doing — practicing for her Bar Mitzvah, she hoped! She wondered if Beverly was doing okay, there was something not quite right about how she seemed so jumpy in her own home. She wondered how Mike was spending his day, whether he spent his time outside working the farm or just hid away from the light. She wondered if Ben was writing sad poems or was hidden in the library. All she knew was that she prayed they were okay.

Her thoughts bounced about her head as she stared out the window, feeling the sun hit her skin through the glass pane. She closed her eyes, taking herself back to the quarry, stood on the ledge and peering down. Who would've thought that she'd be so close with people she just met?

The sun was shining outside, bright rays on the chalk littered sidewalk. It was just a matter-of-time before the ice-cream man came around the block. She want even sure how long she'd been sitting here. Daydreaming, her fingers rapping against the desk, begging the world for her friends back. She was negotiating the universe for a good summer again. Maybe, it'd make the clown go away too.

Something caught her eye now. Something outside her window, a flash. A reflection of a bright light. She squints, peering out her window curiously. What she saw made her hold her breath, her eyes widening as she quite literally tumbles out of her chair and onto her floor with a soft thud. "No way," She mumbles, crawling across her floor so that she isn't seen from her window.

She stops at the side of her bed, leaning her back against it with wide eyes. He was here. It was Silver, the reflection, it was Silver. She moves one of her pigtails to her shoulder, her mind rushing back to him again and April realized how ridiculous she must look. Sat on the ground, hair ruined by a tumble off a chair, and no doubt about her sleeves being ruffled. And, not in a cute way.

He was here. "So, you were really listening, hey? Whoever you are, could you make the clown go away too?" She speaks into the air as if someone was listening. Who knows, maybe someone was. Maybe, that's all she needed to do. Hope, wish, negotiate.

It was like her breath caught in her throat when she heard a doorbell. At this point, it was around three o'clock and her mom has stepped out to go who-knows-where. April was far too occupied in her thoughts to listen. Holly probably knew. Quickly, April gets up from the floor -- rushing to the full body mirror in the corner of her room, fixing her bangs, straightening out her sleeves frantically.

In those few moments, Holly had already placed down her bedroom's wire telephone back onto the stand -- telling her friend she'd call her back before heading downstairs to open the door. After all, her sister was probably far too heartbroken to get up and get it herself. The thought of April's cries filling the house made Holly queasy, it was unusual but... In all seriousness, it was annoying. She didn't even know what happened and she wasn't going to ask if it meant April would cry for hours straight again.

Stepping onto the creaky hardwood, she starts towards the foyer, glancing out the doors window and seeing none other than Bill Denbrough standing on the front porch, his hand tapping against his thigh in a seemingly nervous rhythm. 'Oh, yeah. For sure nervous.' Holly concluded as she raises an eyebrow at him before greeting. April did the exact same thing, awkwardly tapping her fingers against surfaces.

This was it. This was why she was crying. Holly breathes out with an amused smile. "Hold on, Lover-Boy," She says, not bothering to say hello or let the poor boy even slip a word out. Or even, a simple stutter. "April! Someone's at the door for you!" She calls, turning her head only to see April already walking from the steps with a soft pout on her lips, eyes wandering from her sister to the boy on the porch. "Oh, good. You handle this, I'm going upstairs," Holly says, nonchalantly -- ignoring the awkward tension which instantly filled the air when April entered the room.

Without another word, Holly rushes away and up the stairs. Leaving the two young teens alone. April wasn't even at the door yet, she stood right in the entrance of the foyer. There was a moment where they just stared at each other, blank expressions on their faces before suddenly, April shifts from one foot to another awkwardly. "You can... Come in, I guess," She mumbles, looking at the ground.

She was practically cowering behind her hair, it was so awkward. He felt it too as he steps inside the house, shutting the door behind him and locking it because April was still in the foyer's entrance -- not inching any closer as if she was scared. It made his heart ache. Her eyes were puffy. She did cry. He made her cry. Unlacing his shoes, he kicks them off and places them neatly on the shoe mat before looking back up at her.

They're silent again. April not sure what to say, just desperately wanting to rush over and hug him, asking if he really meant what he said as tears stream her cheeks. But, she wouldn't let that happen. She won't cause a scene again. No, she wouldn't. She couldn't! He came here. He talks first.

Bill looks at her fully now, staring at the denim dress she wore and pink shirt -- feeling butterflies in his stomach. She looked so pretty. Messy pigtails in her curly hair, one sock higher than the other, puffy eyes and all. She was always so pretty. He forgot what he was going to say, the apology he rehearsed over and over again before he built up the courage to leave his house. He even repeated it over and over on the way to her house.

The tension in the air was thick, words from yesterday echoing in both their minds and they both had to stop themselves from cringing at it. Opening his mouth, Bill blurts out the first thing that comes off his tongue. "I l-like your d-dress, S-S-Sunshine. It looks p-pretty on you," He says, seeing her cheeks turn a light pink before she looks away, out the window she stood by.

He regrets it nearly instantly. It was impulsive. He should've apologized. But, how does he? He forgot everything he planned! He's brought out of his thoughts by April speaking.

"Let's just go up to my room... I don't want to be standing here all awkward. It's not very... Fun," She says with a lack of better word before turning and walking towards the stairs, Bill following her up them. Leading down the hall and into her bedroom.

She sighs, playing with the ends of her hair, sitting down on her bed before looking up to Bill who stood in the doorway of her room as if he was asking for permission to enter. "You can come in, you know? And, thanks, by the way. About my dress," She says, not making eye contact in fear he'd see the way her eyes were getting glassy at the thought of him yelling yesterday.

He nods, entering the room and sitting on her bed as well, a considerable distance away from her. His bottom lip pulled under his top as he thinks about what he should say. He's always been good with words on paper. Never in person. Never, ever in person.

That awful silence fell over them once again. Both of them sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at different parts of the room. This was so much more different from the last time he was here. Last time, it was comfortable. Safe. Now, he didn't know what to say. He was scared he'd make things worse.

"Why... Why are you here?" April breaks the silence again, her voice soft on her first word before she coughs lightly in her elbow and straightens out -- asking in a louder voice now.

Bill was almost caught off guard. Not expecting her voice to come out so strong. It's always soft, April's always been soft-spoken. He breathes in, looking to the side of her face and seeing that her eyes are trained forward with a glassy look to them and his breath catches in his throat before he sputters out an "I-I-I'm s-s-sorry,".

Blinking fast, April taps her fingers against her thigh. "You aren't. Why would you... Why... Why would you say those things?" She says, voice starting out strong again before it begins to falter and ends breathlessly with her pulling at her fingers while her lip quivers.

He breathes in sharply, closing his eyes and biting his lip. "B-Because..." There was a lull. His breath getting caught in his throat. "B-B-Because..." He starts again, biting his lip harshly again as he looks to her eyes which began to fill with more tears and his heart shatters. "I... I-I n-n-needed t-to p-protect you," He finishes, knowing its not a good enough reason. What he said was out of line and it made him sick to even think about.

April shudders, bringing her hand to her eyes and wiping them quickly before looking to him fully. Tears in her now red eyes and lips trembling. She's silent, not sure what to say. She's staring at him, looking for any proof that he was just making it up. Making up some lie to clear his conscience about what he said. His are tear-filled too.

"I'm s-s-so s-sorry," He whispers, barely audible as he looks back at her -- his heard racing at the eye contact with her. "I... I-I had to. I-I d-dragged y-you into t-t-this and... If s-something bad h-h-happens..." He chokes on his words before clearing his throat and looking at her. "I l-love you," He whispers, confessing to her for the first time. Feeling hopeless. Here he was, a mess for this girl and begging for her to forgive him.

"No, you don't," She breathes out, covering her tearful eyes as her lip quivers. "You don't! Stop lying to me," She goes on, turning away from him as she frantically wipes at her eyes — her voice getting panicked. "You said those things. You don't love me," She sputters, hands shaking.

There's silence for a moment before she feels his hand get placed on her shoulder softly, pulling her body to face him. "I-I do," He mumbles. "I love you, S-Sunshine," He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, watching the way her blue eyes glistened with tears, staring up to his with her lips parted, body shaking. "I-I don't think I've ever b-b-been more s-sure a-about anything,".

"Billy," She closes her eyes, clenching her teeth. "You don't," She repeats, shaking her head in disbelief as her voice gets lower. There was no way. He couldn't feel the same! It's too good to be true. He said those things...

"I love you. I l-love you, April A-Ambrose. I-I do. I-I k-k-know i-it's n-not an e-excuse f-f-for what I-I s-said... B-But, I-I d-do," He holds her cheeks in his hands, making their eyes meet and he sees it. He sees her eyes soften, staring at him in shock.

April could barely think. Her mind cloudy, feeling herself go light. An airy feeling in her belly. He's staring at him. This boy, who stole her heart and stomped on it in a matter of days spill out to her about how he truly feels and she can't help but feel happy. He loves her. She knows this for sure because he's staring at her the same way her father stares at her mother and she couldn't believe it because she loved him too. In a way unimaginable, she did. It made her ache how much she did.

He's staring at her with these wide doe eyes of lost innocence, having seen too much in the past year to maintain it and he feels his stomach tighten at her struggle to gather words in her throat. "Y-You... You... Y-You don't h-have to s-s-say it b-back," He mumbles softly, a look of understanding coated over his nervousness and disappointment.

She shakes her head softly, breathing out softly. "I... I love you too, Billy..." She whispers, her heart swelling in joy and she feels as if it's glowing, a bright sweet pink.

He sees it again, something in her eyes. But, this time it's not the way they soften or the way they filled with tears. But, he sees the sparkle return and he thinks that maybe he's just telling himself that there is one because he wants so hard to believe that she loves him back but, he knows its true because a smile forms on her lips and her hands grab at his with a shaky giggle. And, he was happy. Happy beause she loved him and he loved her back and that was more than enough for now.

A/N: bill's a fucking simp. buddy couldn't go a day without april. kay, anyway, they're cute. mwah!