❤︎ 𝙰𝙽𝙽𝙾𝚄𝙽𝙲𝙴𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃: 𝙶𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝙶𝚎𝚝𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗! 𝙶𝚘 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 "7.5𝚔 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢" 𝚙𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚘 <3

❤︎ 1,110 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜, 4.5 𝚖𝚒𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎

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"You don't look okay," Lexie brushes the back of their hand on mine.

"No. I'm not. I..." A dull ache pounds in my chest. "A great friend of mine died in highschool, Lexie. I've never talked about it to anyone."

"It was around this time of year that he..." I added.

They hold my hand gently. "What were they like?"

"I've never met a person so eternally bright," I smile a little, my eyes vaguely focusing on a falling leaf. "He was never upset at everything. Always happy, that guy."

"That sounds... a lot."

"I'm sorry?"

"No one can always be happy, y/n. If he was always happy, then that's kind of sad, isn't it?"

That leaf floats through the air and lands in my lap. I pick it up. It's veiny and dried, the cues of fall's coming soon.

There was this time, I remember, that Haibara traded his lunch with me.

He had fried rice that day: perfectly greasy, topped with bits of glistening kimchi. On the other hand, I didn't have anything to eat. I picked up my water bottle to go lie down on the rooftop–intending to photosynthesize my hunger away. Plus, I learned that if I drink lots of water, I could trick my stomach into fullness.

But before I could leave, Haibara moved his chair to my table. Those were my early days at TJH. I was still ashamed of my empty-handedness and my loud stomach. I made an excuse to go to the bathroom.

"That's a coincidence! I think I might have to go soon, too! I caught the diarrhea bug and this rice is just waaayyy too spicy and oily for me. Do you think you can help me with half of it?" Haibara said, scooping his lunch onto the bento box's lid.

Diarrhea bug? That's not a thing. "I... I have nothing to trade with you, though."

"Ahhh! My stomach is killing me! Water... Give me water!!!"

Presently, I giggle but then crumble the leaf in my palm.

"You don't know him, Lexie."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You don't know him. You weren't his friend. So stop telling who he is and isn't supposed to be."

Lexie doesn't reply, only straightening a wrinkle on their suit.

I still think of that day, when Haibara lay on the floor, writhing with a feigned stomach ache. And then, a year later, he lay on the cold table of the morgue. Still. A congealed gash on his stomach.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"No, I overspoke," they reply.

I turn to Lexie, tears eating away at my powdered, rouged face. I collapse into Lexie's shoulder, unannounced. I don't care if they feel my rope cage anymore. A cage is a cage is a cage. They can touch it all they want but they won't have a key for me.

"I'm sorry." Sorry, Haibara. I should've been there with you.

"I'm sorry." Sorry, Shoko. I was ashamed to stay in touch with you.

"I'm sorry." Sorry, Suguru. If only I went to the beach that day. Maybe... Maybe–

"I was looking everywhere for you, y/n."

Maybe you wouldn't have turned into this unrecognizable thing.

I shift in Lexie's arms. I don't want to go home. I don't have a home. I can't go, not like this.

"Mr. Geto? I didn't know that you know her–"

Geto lifts my chin and turns me left and right to inspect my mascaraed cheeks.

"You're a mess."

He is big with the full moon behind him.

"Y/n, what's going on?" Lexie shifts in their drapey suit. "If you need me to call someone–"

"Tell them you're fine." Geto pulls me up by my upper arm.

I stagger as I stand.

"Y/n... I'm calling Wes..." Lexie stands as well.

"Tell them you're absolutely fine." Geto shakes me. I roll my right ankle. "Say it! Now!"

"I'm fine." I close my eyes and think about Haibara's warmth. If only you were still here.

Geto starts dragging me away.

"I'll have to call the police!" Lexie yells behind us.

"You will shut you're fucking trap if you want to keep your job. Actor." Geto turns and grimaces at them.

I keep my eyes closed.

***

My parents never hit me. Not once. They didn't have to. Their words always found a way to surgically cut into my nerve ends. I was used to suturing myself back up by leaving my own body, by dissociating, and by thinking of all the things I would do after they died. Never did I think this would be it.

Back at his place, Geto finds Lexie's handkerchief in my jacket.

I explain to him: that they only lent it to me because I was feeling sad the day of the meeting.

"I'm not infatuated with them," I protest.

"The meeting at the theatre, when I was also there?" He asks.

I nod.

He grows childishly furious for my always becoming so sad when he is around. For my running away from him during the gala. For my observed embarrassment at having to attend with him. For having chosen to cry on someone else's shoulder but his.

Geto doesn't hit. He butchers with his words.

"You are not making any sense, sir."

I start walking up to my bedroom. I need to get out of this outfit I did not choose.

I close the door and quickly slip out of my skirt and shirt. I find a pair of scissors in my drawer and start cutting the ropes that have started to sink into my skin.

I cut, cut, and cut.

Time to cut.

And start over again.

My door opens.

"Y/n, I'm sorry, I–"

Cut, cut, cutting away.

With my bare back against him, my eye corners catch him dropping a bowl of something to the floor. It smells like soup. So warm.

The bowl shatters and he hurdles towards me.

He pushes me onto the bed and lowly growls into my neck.

"Why didn't you? Why didn't you? That day..."

He starts touching me but I only feel as if a slab of frozen meat.

"Dust mites." I whisper.

His hand slips down but I'm arid.

"Dust mites." I say once more.

Now he's rubbing–

"Dust mites!" I yell and push him away.

I pick up my shirt and skirt. I run, cutting my feet on the ceramic shards as I go.

I hurry downstairs. At the entryway, I put on the clothes and my sneakers. I notice my feet are bleeding and my ankle is swollen. My soles also smell like soup.

Time to cut down everything with him. I leave the house.

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Author's note!

im trying out a new format where i dont divide the chapters into 2 parts but instead write one singular chapter that will be at least 1000 words. is that good?

take care & b safe
ikaria din
oct 20