❤︎ 1,126 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜, 4.5 𝚖𝚒𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎
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I'm in my bed, lapping in and out of consciousness. I feel my tears ebbing, flowing while I dream about that sunny beach day. Was it sunny? Or am I only painting it that way out of guilt? Perhaps that day was stormy, squally, smelling of what was to come and what didn't. But what do I know? I chickened out, after all.

Injured and having nothing better to do, I reconstruct that day in my head, over and over, like I'm leering down at a dollhouse with miniatures to do as I please. I can recast my made-up memories as many times as I want, relive what's never been til infinity, curled up in this non-reality. In my dreams, there's all I've ever wanted.

In one version, I ran to the beach, with onigiris, a thermos of hot tea, sparklers, and a book. I wandered around, barefoot, in the sand. I lit up all the sparklers and watched as their glitters faded; I leafed through the book, dog-earing all the pages I would like to show Suguru; I poured cups of tea and waited until everything went cold. I sat till after sundown. I shed a few tears because I knew he wouldn't come and our lives would diverge ever since. Maybe 10 years from now, we will peer over our shoulders and remember that lonesome sunset–

But just as I was about to walk uphill, I saw him yonder, just beyond my shoulders. Those auburn eyes, those dark locks, his pale skin, his even thinner frame.

"You're late," I would say.

He would just smile and say nothing. A somber smile. But a smile, no less.

"You're late!" I would say again, running towards him, my hands dropping everything. With my empty hands, I would make them full again with his flesh. I would crumble into him and him into me, and we would cry. We would sweep through everything with our tears and succumb to a tide of kisses.

"I thought you weren't coming," I would whisper.

He would caress my wet lashes and say: "I was waiting for you at the park. Remember? I said so in my text."

And I would flip open my phone to look at his text message again. And my cheeks would ripen from my sodden, youthful shame.

And we would laugh.

And we would leave the Jujutsu world, together.

Or, in another dollhouse scenario, I would call Gojo Senpai and tell him that his best friend has lost himself. That he is Eurydice, wandering in the dark in his personal limbo; that he needs a prince, playing a lyre, coaxing him back into the living world–"And would you be Geto Senpai's Orpheus, Satoru?"

And I would follow them from a distance, treading so lightly I forgot my own existence. I would watch Suguru sitting on a beachside rock, himself pale and cold as ivory. I would hold my breath as Gojo approached him, careful to not stir up any poisonous vipers for the two lovers. At first, Gojo would be scared to turn and look at Suguru, lest he stuns him back into a stupor. I would let my tender, warm, almost paternal tears moisten my neck as Gojo guides Suguru into a gentle embrace. The princes will exchange breaths under the setting sun and their skin will touch til the moonlight rises above their flowing hair–one black, one white.

I would turn around before I regret myself. I would steal another glance at the two beautiful boys and walk on, the same way as I came, fully in pain and aware that Gojo knew I was there the whole time. But it would be a happy pain. Because I would not forget that Gojo is strong, stronger than I will ever be, the strongest amongst all of us. And by placing Suguru in the hands of Gojo, the two of them will be strong for each other, forever.

Then, I would leave TJH, and never look back.

In an alternative reality, too, perhaps, we would all help Geto get over his depression. Haibara might never laugh again. Riko would never see another sparkling ocean. But we would be there, to shield Suguru from all the darkness of the world. At least, temporarily. He would drop out of school and retreat back to his parents'. And so would we–Nanami, Shoko, Gojo, and I would tell Mr. Yaga that we all need a break and move to the countryside, too.

We would watch Suguru from afar, but never too far that we can't reach him. Again, Suguru would find the twin girls, Mimiko and Nanako, caged by his villagers for fear of their supernatural powers. He would have a mental meltdown, he would scream and cry and kick about for the mistreatment of the young Jujutsu users, and his eyes would redden with rage.

Eventually, he would want to kill: the villagers, his parents, and his former self.

But the four of us would be there, as containers to his despair. We would let him tear down everything in his house, claw at us until our arms were dark crimson with his melancholy, and bawl his brains out while he drowns his heart in a tub of warm, clear bathwater. He would keep talking about death, punishments, and murder as we cried in agony with him. What he felt, the four of us felt, too.

Then, we would call Mr. Yaga. The next day, Mr. Yaga would arrive at this remote village and take in the twins, just as he did with my brother and I. Yaga would report everything back to the higher-ups, to the adults. And we kids would huddle in a school van together like kids do, as an assistant drives us back to Tokyo. We would fall asleep leaning on each other, our premature faces ashen from our dried tears and the unruly weight of this cruel world. But when we opened our eyes, we would be back at TJH again.

And all would be well again.

"Y/n... y/n..."

I hear someone calling me. I don't open my eyes.

"Y/n...!"

Just for another minute. I'd like to stay in this dollhouse, with my adjustable sunshine and rewindable storylines. I'd like to remember Suguru the way he was: young, hopeful, righteous–before he fell into lonesome sadism, before his horrible patricide and matricide.

Just for another...

"Y/n! Wake up!"

My eyelids unstick themselves and the dollhouse's door closes.

"Suguru...?" I mutter.

"It's me, Wes! Y/n, you need to come to the hospital with me... It's Geto... He is there, with your brother..."

I close my eyes again. The pain in my legs has returned. Oh, if only I could stay in my made-up reality forever...

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author's note

hi all :)

first of all, i am so sorry that my month-long hiatus turned to almost 3 months and a half... i didnt mean to "abandon" this work so suddenly but it has been a very eventful quarter of a year for me to say the least. first, i finally sent out my masters application (yay!) and almost immediately afterwards, i received surgery--not major, but im still in recovery. then, the holidays came around and i was busy spending time with my family and i even went on the best trip of my life. but... a couple weeks ago, not only did i seriously injured my right hand, my cat also left...

all this is to say that life happened and i took a longer than expected break from my updating schedule :(

but i am back now and thank you for being so patient and being here!

ps. my cat bron: (miss him still!)