It wrenches my heart in a tight grip. My grip on the fork tightens every fucking second. I loathe it, the crippling undisguised feeling of loneliness and deja vu with a collaboration with irony slipping down my veins,spreading throughout my body. I did not make a good decision coming to Moscow.

"Are you alright, dear?" Mrs Dimitri's sweet fruity voice breaks me out of the humiliating feeling of self pity and loath but still I manage to send a smile to her when I reply, "Everything is alright."

I feel the scorching heat of Rolan's gaze on me,burning my side profile where he stared. His family isn't at all what I stereotyped to be. It beats my motion of never to be suprise by the reality of life. I expected a sophisticated home with intricate and complicated designs and a long dining table made for royal families with each person sitting five feet apart from one another but instead I enter a comfy home that smells like holidays with the heat turned on to make the body warm and comfortable.

Everyone is seated around a medium size round wooden table with our dishes displayed in front of us, talking and laughing above each other as they chew on veggies and beef of tonight's dinner. Yes, I definitely did not expect such a gathering and I totally don't know how to act. In fact, I feel like my presence darkens the light in the atmosphere. I'm drenched in regret and misery not to forget my halo of despair and awkwardness. It's like every pair of eyes is settled on me even when the right part of my mind is telling me otherwise.I feel like I should say something or do something but I don't know what the fuck to do.

"You're barely eating your meal, Davina." Christian, Rolan's father speaks above his meal. My eyes meet his and for a slight second another memory flashes through my mind like a rippling wave of the ocean. A image of Christian but a little younger than now. Have we met before? The sudden silence in the room reminds me of my silence. I realize, I've been staring at the man without saying a thing.

"The drugs I used this morning messed up my appetite."I lie between my teeth not bothering to make it sound believable or not. It is not like anyone would question me for it.

"Oh dearie, Thanks for saving my poor Rolan. You must be a blessing." Mrs Dimitri exclaims with her eyes sparkling like shiny rocks on the surface of the lake bathing in moonlight. Her smile is breathtaking and sincere. It makes me feel bad for not smiling back in such manner. Even if I tried, I'd never be able to make it look as real as hers. "Our family owes you, big time." She adds before digging into her steak.

"It's nothing really. I just happen to be observant and inquisitive in nature. He also saved my life in the end we do not owe each other anything." I've finally done it. I finally ruin the light and warm atmosphere of the dinner with my words and clipped tone. Everyone goes silent as if my words broke something. I feel my wrist beginning to itch and my hair clings to the wet patch behind my neck. it's been like that for a while.

A laugh breaks the silence which I definitely thought was awkward. Christian's shoulders quake as his laughter rumbles across the walls of the room. His wife joins and soon, Nikolai snickers too. What's so funny? I'm confused, my eyes move to my side where Rolan is sitting. He is silently chewing his avocado with patience and purpose before he swallows it, I watch his Adam apple move in a sultry manner. Is that even possible and why are the rest of his family still laughing? Rolan doesn't even look bothered or surprised.

"They act totally the same." Christian says in between laughter. His wife nods in agreement. Her black wavy hair moves as she does. Tears prickle at the edges of her lids behind her glasses.

"She sounds just like him. I've always wondered how a female Rolan would look like, So much alike." She says while dabbing away the tears from her eyelids. My confusion spikes, my eyes move around room hoping I would somehow see what is making them laugh this much.

" He went ahead to get a replica of himself. I told you guys, he's a narcissist. "Nikolai says, followed with another snicker. He is almost done with his food while mine still looks untouched.

"Please forgive our manners Davinia. You and Rolan act so much alike, it's crazy." His mother confesses as she takes a sip of her wine. I notice the ring around her index finger. It looks identical to the necklace Rolan gave to me. My eyes return to her twinkling ones.

I have no response to what she said so I do not bother to say anything. However, I begin to eat. The lamb meat is really tender on my tongue and it practically makes my buds come alive. Rolan was right when he said his mother loves to make her guest happy. Now happy, is not the word I would use to describe my current feeling but I do feel content and relaxed. So this is the home of Rolan Dimitri. It's nothing like I assumed it would be. Their light chatters filter through the air as they each talk about their day.

I hear Rolan occasionally give them a one word reply to their questions and somehow his monotonous replies were able to crack the rest of them up. The present and the past are starting to play simultaneously in my head like a replay of an old movie. Their chattering and soft laughter take me back to the days my family would sit in a setting such as the one I'm sitting in right now.

My dad would talk about those he sacred away just by appearing and baring his teeth to them. Now that I think about it, that doesn't really make sense but I guess that's how my three year old mind could grasp it as. My mum and Tiana would tease him and I would say something completely stupid and unrelated but it'd make them them laugh and their laughter would make me laugh, knowing that I made them laugh, always made my heart swell and I would sleep with a big ass grin on my face like I had done something heroic.

My grip on the fork tightens again and I immediately dismiss the unwanted memories in my head. What's the point of thinking about that now. Those nights were quickly overshadowed by the terribly nights that followed. They were so bad that it made the good times feel like a dream to me. Happiness feels like it only lasts for a few minutes even if it stayed for months but pain and sadness seems to last forever. Or maybe it's because you're constantly reminded of the absence of him. The food taste delicious and I really wish I can eat further but I can't, not with the emotions building inside of me. I try to listen in to their conversations and stir myself away from the memories that just don't want to go away.

I can't do this here. I can't let myself wander into that dark limitless void that ends with me crashing down. No Davinia, this isn't the place nor the time for this.

"Here," I hear Rolan say. My head turns to his side. He points a glass of sparkly white wine to me. My eyes meet his with a question in them. His bright and vivid blue eyes look dim but alert, his stares at me with a familiar twink in them. He's doing that thing again, that look, likes he wants to know what I'm thinking about. I try my best not to falter in front of him. "You don't necessarily have to eat if you don't feel like it. Mother wouldn't mind, will she?" He says lightly, directing the last part to his mother who I see from my side view shaking her head with a bright smile on her face.

"Not at all dear. You flew all the way to Moscow, what you truly need is rest." her smile is reassuring. I take the wine from Rolan, ignoring the amusement playing on his lips. I face Mrs Dimitri and try to return the smile she sent to me but I know mine is no where close to her blinding smile but it's better than nothing.

I know Rolan is watching me as I bring the glass above my lips and slightly allow the aroma of it to flutter into my nostrils. The Intoxicating smell of grapes fill my senses, unconsciously my eyes flutter then closes slightly when the aroma overwhelmed me. The cold glass touches my lip, with a little tip of the glass, the liquid slips into my lips, mingles with my tongue, allowing itself to tease my buds before going down my throat. The fruity flavor and its citrus cools my bud. I tip the glass again and everything goes down my throat.

This should not get me drunk. Or so I thought.

I just want to say a big thank you for those that have been reading and supporting my book from the start. Thanks a lot for your support ☺️☺️. It really helped big time with this story. 🤍🤍🤍. Thank you, Bamboonain2080

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CourtneyTennyson