"𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍
𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚒 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚐𝚊𝚒𝚗"

--

I think it's two minutes past ten when the weight of her absence hits me. Despite the millions of glittering stars in New York's breath-taking skyline, I can't ignore the darkness of my mood. Only because she's not here.

All morning, I wasted my hours re-learning the fine art of pedal movements, since apparently my legs thought they belonged to a toddler. It was embarrassing that I needed Rachel's help to slip into my comfy sweats, but it was a drastic improvement from the hospital's papery blue gown. After that, my experience stumbling time and time again in the arms of Nurse Katie was not amusing, especially since I almost pulled her down with me once. Then, Dad came back to talk to the doctor, who was indeed Loco (pun intended), about my health. Also, much to my annoyance, I wasn't even allowed to know the matters of my own health.

Basically, I was bored, I am bored and it looks like I'll be bored for the rest of my life if things carry on as they are now. I move away from the large window of my private room to hobble back to my bed. All of a sudden, a thought enters my mind.

I'm already speed-stumbling out of the ward before my plan even formulates in my mind. I at least needed to talk to Astrid. Previously, when Dad gave me my phone back, it was too good to be true. He took out my SIM card, and even stole the emergency one from in my phone case. How the hell did he even know about that? Nonetheless, now I had devised a good excuse to need it back.

Let's just say it would be possible for me to fabricate a school assignment which I may or may not need to speak to the teacher about... Fool-proof, right?

I figure he stays in the coffee room when he's not by my side. But as I near the doorway to the room, the mention of my twin's name has me freezing in my tracks.

"Astrid's disappeared, Doctor."

What?

Dad continues, "She and Teagan had a fall out, and she blames herself for Teagan's health problems. I've sent some people to look for her and I asked her closest friends but no one knows where she is." It's now when his voice breaks. "She'll come around, I know she will. But right now, I can't risk leaving my ill daughter to look for my missing one."

"And I presume the reason why you haven't told Teagan is to prevent further damage to her heart?" Doctor Loco asks.

"Exactly, I can't lose - her too."

My legs give away beneath me.

Breathe, Teagan, breathe.

Fall out? So it wasn't a nightmare then... And she was right. My poor, selfless twin felt unloved, because Dad always focused on me. As he's doing right now.

I rise again to my feet. My first shaky steps towards my room are slow, undecided. But without hesitation, I know what I'm going to do. Whether Dad shows it or not, I am going to show Astrid exactly how much she is adored.

When I'm back in my room, my heart feels like it would pound a hole right through my ribcage and my chest. I ignore this sensation and focus on what I need to do. My eyes close in on Dad's jacket that hung from the back of a chair near my bed, and my fingers fish inside for what I need.

Precisely ten minutes later, I'm sitting in his flashy lamborghini down in the basement level, shoving the keys into ignition. Then, I speed out of the garage into New York City's busy streets. I'm certain of one fact: Astrid would never leave my side. She was here on the east coast, and I would find her no matter what.

After I'm sure I'm far enough from the hospital, I park on a side street.

I pull out the stolen - well technically it's mine - SIM card and insert it back into my phone. My fingers rapidly race across the screen, as I stalk all of Astrid's social media accounts for any sort of clue. Twitter... nothing. Snapchat... hopeless! Tumblr, another dead end. Just as I'm about to consider hacking and crashing Instagram for being so utterly useless, an old post catches my eye on her profile page. I click on the post, unfazed by the mammoth amount of likes it has gained in only a few months, and zoom in.

It's an old vintage picture of a dark street with a bright neon sign of a bar. It was from February, when I was in LA for a checkup, and Astrid came here for a day out. I remember vaguely her squealing over the phone about some new Christian Louboutin heels and a delicious, cozy diner. Does that say Sandy's or Sally's? I squint. Definitely Sandy's. A spark of hope ignites a flame of reassurance within me. The caption of the post reads: this isn't the last time we'll meet @Sandy'sBar&Diner.

I'm punching in the address into the navigation system of the sport car as I'm peeling out of the quiet street. After a long torturous moment, the screen finishes loading and reads, 9 minutes away. As instructed, I turn left on 5th Avenue, then another left, right, straight for 0.3 miles...

What would I say to her? Would she still be mad? God, what if I don't even find her?

I don't realise I'm weeping until I catch a glimpse of my flushed face in the rear view mirror. Astrid, please, please, please be there....

Minutes later I pull up, and the loud music disrupting the quiet of the empty street alerts me that it is indeed open. I park the Lamborghini and make my way to the front doors. There's a slight limp in my step, but I'm sure I'll survive. As I step inside, the icy night breeze is left outside, and I'm immediately enveloped by the warm, comforting smell of cheeseburgers and fries.

Then I see the short, blonde hair and I'm running like if I don't, she'll disappear. She could. I place my hand on her shoulder. She turns around and...

And instead of meeting bright green eyes, I'm greeted with unfamiliar blue ones.

"Would you like anything, miss? Take a seat and I'll be right with you," the stranger says.

I swallow my furious disappointment to smile apologetically. "No, sorry I thought you were someone else."

Her brows furrow, but I turn away before she can ask if I'm okay. Or comment on my disheveled appearance.

"Wait!"

Is she talking to me?

A small hand wraps around my upper arm, pulling me to a stop. "You were the second person to make that mistake today," she tells me.

"Sorry-"

"No, I don't want you to apologise. It's the hair, isn't it?" she grins. "The first person I sent away because she said she wanted to be left alone. But seeing as you're an identical copy of her-"

My heart swells.

"-I thought you would like to know that Astrid is down that corridor, in the bar-"

I don't hear the rest. Ignoring the pain in my feet and the weird looks thrown at me, I tear down the hallway and dart into the adjacent darkly lit room. And there she is.

In an isolated booth in the far corner of the bar, my twin slumps over a drink. With each step I take in her direction, I notice the dark shadows marring her face, the crusty stains on her cheek betraying her tears, the glazed look in her eyes...

When I'm a yard away, those faraway eyes meet mine, and widen. Like I have, she seems to have stopped breathing. Does time stop for her, like it did for me? Soon moisture begins to form in the wells of her blood-shot, red-rimmed eyes. My heart disintegrates when I see those tears are fearful and shameful.

"Astrid..." In contrast, my shining eyes are relieved and happy. But more importantly, loving.

"T..." Her thick, uncertain voice shatters my resolve. Tonight, I couldn't be the string one no matter how much she needs it. We'd have to be there for each other. "H-how did you find me?"

"It doesn't matter. Why weren't you there when I woke up?" I try to hide my hurt, but my accusing tone reveals the untold sorrows that my words attempt to hide.

"I thought you'd hate me... after..."

"I thought it was a nightmare," I tell her honestly, "it breaks me to know that that's how you've been feeling this entire time... and you didn't tell me..."

She chuckles humourlessly, and retorts, "It was a nightmare-"

But I'm not finished. "But I'm not here to criticise you, Astrid. I'm sorry that I was angry. I'm sorry I didn't see how Dad treats you. I'm sorry that your life is constantly disrupted by mine."

"Stop, T..." She's crying again. And so am I.

But I need to finish. "No, let me apologise for being such a crappy sister. I was so selfish and ignorant, wasn't I? I didn't see-" Suddenly, my hoarse voice is interrupted by a loud, heavy sob. "-how lonely you were. It's all my fault, and you're right, everything would be so much easier if I were dead!"

"No, Teagan! I already hate myself enough for saying those cruel, ungrateful words to you. It was you who was there for me when no one else was. Don't make me hate myself more for forgetting that," she says, guilt and sadness etched into her words.

"But I wasn't! Not when you needed me. Not when you got together with Sam, or when you befriended this bitches." My voice becomes venomous, "I didn't protect you."

"You didn't need to, T. I'm still here, aren't I? I made a big mistake bottling things up and now, I'm going to change that." She takes a deep breath, and the undefeatable, unbreakable Astrid I know and love is back. "Look, let's go home. Dad is probably going nuts, because I know for a fact you're not supposed to be out of hospital. Not after... I'll tell you everything, sis, I promise."

Her soft fingertips wipe away my tears, and I do the same for her. Then I grin, "Hey! I'm supposed to be the older sister!"

The weight of sorrow and grief in the air dissipates.

"Only by three minutes, stupid. Don't get too excited..." she retorts dryly, but I hear the affectionate humour in her voice loud and clear.

"I love you sister."

She swings an arms around my shoulder, and I wrap one around her waist as we leave the bar. I don't forget to send the grinning blonde waitress a grateful smile.

"I love you more, sister."

We get into the Lamborghini. I drive, despite the ache in my left foot, thanks to Astrid's intoxicated state. We pull out.

"I love you most, sister," I finish, "I really do-"

I see the flash of black in the side view mirror. My eyes widen. I reach for Astrid and open my mouth-

But the deafening collision of metal, and the hissing screech of tires on tarmac muffles my scream. Time stops.

No matter how many times I rewind. Each slowed moment stays the same, unchanged scarred into my mind. I want a time machine, more than anything, and I desperately wish we stopped to get some fries from the diner, maybe even a burger.

But my desperate pleading to the stars above, and the entities in the dark, infinite sky, won't change how our battered car flew across the street, landing in an unrecognisable orange mess. I can't forget the sting of glass piercing my skin, or the blood rushing to my skull as I hung upside down.

Or how I couldn't reach out to feel my sister's heartbeat whilst someone's warm blood splattered my skin before the darkness engulfed me.

Again.

—-

𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓴𝓼 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 ℍ𝕖𝕣 𝔾𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕤 ℂ𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕝𝕖 ❤︎
𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚟𝚘𝚝𝚎, 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚎 ☻︎

xoxo
Aviana