I blink a few times, trying to clear my eyes enough to see through the smoke-filled room but it's nearly useless. "Fuck." The word falls from my mouth even though my lips don't feel like they've even said the word.

"You're looking a little worse for wear there, Sean." Trevor chuckles as he pours himself a cocktail behind the bar, it being just the two of us up here tonight.

"Yeah? Well I'm feeling the same way right about now." In truth, I'm not really feeling much of anything at this exact moment.

The last time I let myself get like this was a while ago. A while being precisely when Monica and I got into our little disagreement and I nearly trashed our entire relationship. Thankfully, I didn't plan on getting that bad but I was getting pretty damn close. Things with Monica weren't bad either, actually they were going great. I guess there's just something off with me.

But before I could really let myself focus on that too much I decided to come here. I dropped Monica off for her shift and was about to leave when I noticed Trevor's car in the lot. After a quick internal debate I'd decided to go and catch up with him. That may or may not have been the best decision considering the fact I can't feel my fucking face now.

"I still can't believe you, you of all fucking people, sat down and had a family dinner with your girlfriend's family." He sits down in the leather chair next to me, flicking his cigarette ash in the tray in front of him. "I still don't believe it." He chuckles before taking a drag. "I don't think I could do it."

"Yeah, I honestly thought I couldn't either." Apparently, it would seem that I still couldn't mentally handle that type of situation yet but fuck it, at least I'd tried. "The whole thing was just fucking awkward."

"You said her sister wanted to fuck you too?" I nod and he laughs. "Jesus."

"I guess I don't really know but she was looking at me like a fucking piece of meat."

"But for fairness you always think that."

I arch an eyebrow at him. "Think what?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "You always think every woman wants to fuck you."

He makes a valid point but I just shrug at him not really being able to form one of my usual witty, sarcastic comebacks at the moment. My brain is too muddled for that. "She called me a male Medusa or something like that." I put my hand on my face and rub it. No feeling. None. It's completely fucking numb. "Then later on said something to Monica about wanting to have my babies or some shit like that."

Trevor chokes on the drink he's about to swallow, ending up in a semi-coughing fit. "Wait, what in the actual fuck?"

"I don't even know." I didn't. The whole situation had been a completely new experience, so I'm the last person who'd even remotely know what to expect in a situation like that. "Yeah but the best part is when she fucking hugged me." Sarcasm.

Trevor looks at me, shaking his head. "I swear people have no damn boundaries." He knows just how much I love being touched. "You probably hated that. What'd you do, just run right out the door after that?"

"Nah, but I wanted to." Monica had given me some extremely good head just for putting up with it so I couldn't complain too much. "I almost did during dessert when I was asked repetitively about my parents and my upbringing though." I blow out a long breath of frustration just at the memory.

"What'd you tell them?" He takes another swig from his tumbler.

"I kept it as vague and as normal sounding as I could. Ultimately I just said both of my parents were dead." Any time anyone asks about my childhood or my family I always tell them that. It usually makes people drop the topic immediately, which is exactly the point.

I guess I get it though, people's intrigue with your past. They just want to know who you are. They want to know what makes you tick. I guess if I'd lived a normal life with a regular family, in a normal home with all the comforts of redundancy, I wouldn't feel the need to be here, soaking myself in gin and amphetamines.

"I just don't get why you'd do it. Why you'd put yourself through all that when we both know your track record with women."

He's got me there but he doesn't know just how much I care about Monica. He doesn't know how much she cares about me. I grab my tumbler off the table and take a few gulps, poisoning myself further before answering him. "Because she loves me."

"Wait, what?" Trevor's face turns into one of mortification. "What?"

His astonishment makes me let out a sarcastic snort. "Jesus Christ, fix your damn face. It doesn't freak me out." That wasn't completely true. When she had told me the first time it freaked me out marginally. 

"Wait, let me get this straight." Trevor leans forward. "My best friend, the one who won't even let people touch him, isn't bothered by the fact he's got a woman in love with him."

"What can I say?" I shrug. "She's just perfect for me. She's all I want."

"No, seriously, I'm pretty sure I heard you wrong." Trevor is looking at me like I've lost my fucking mind.

Hell, maybe I had lost my mind, who knows? Here lately I've been saying and doing things I typically would never do. Meeting families, using the "L" word, I'm just all over the fucking place.

"All I'm saying is there's no one else out there like her, Trev. No one else can handle my bullshit quite like she can."

"So I guess the real question is, do you love her?" Trevor is now leaning forward, setting up a few lines on the glass table. "Have you completely fucking fallen for this girl or what?"

I eye the white powdered lines and blow out a deep breath. Any more of that shit probably isn't a good idea but fuck it. "I don't know what to tell you, man. I don't have a fucking heart. I'm a narcissistic piece of shit... but yeah, I love her."  

"Jesus fucking Christ." Trevor leans forward and sucks up a line through one nostril. "Fuck that shit, Sean." He pinches the bridge of his nose for a quick moment and gestures to the table for me to follow suit before continuing. "I don't know how you're doing it. You used to not give a fuck about anything."

"I know." I hunch forward and mimic what he'd just done not once but twice. Shit. "I don't know what to tell you Trevor but it's all got me bit fucked-up." At the moment I couldn't tell you what had me more fucked-up, the substances or the topic.

"That's some serious shit, Sean." He leans back into his chair.

"Tell me about it." I sip at my tumbler and then set it down on the table before doing much of the same thing on the couch.

The minute the haze settles over me I have to put my head on the back of the couch. My demons are like starving lion's in cages and those lions were just thrown fresh meat. They'd been locked up for a while and now I'm seeing just how hungry they are. Before coming here I felt like if I didn't feed them they'd bust open the cage and consume me.

"Hey Trevor, I was wondering if you've seen Sean." I hear a familiar voice call up the stairwell. "His truck is outside but he isn't. So I figured I-..."

I open my eyes and lift my head off the back of the couch to see Monica standing in the doorway, looking as beautiful as ever. She's so fucking beautiful. The most beautiful thing in my universe. My eyes roam over her body in a carnivorous way, making me have an extremely raw, deep desire for her. That all stops when she looks at the table in front of us.

Her eyebrows scrunch together in confusion then in recognition. She looks at me with this look in her eyes and it makes my gut twist in a way I've never quite felt before. The look she's giving me is one of utter disappointment as she shakes her head at me.

"Monica, is there something you need?" Trevor says from beside me. 

Her gaze shifts from me to him. "Yeah, the man sitting next to you." She struts her way towards me.

"Well, he's busy at the moment, if you can't already tell." My eyes shift over to Trevor because his voice went ice-cold. He can see that look too, that look plastered all over her face right now.

"Babe, come on, let's go home." Monica ignores Trevor, which is a bad idea because Trevor is just like me. Trevor has no fucking filter and zero boundaries.

"Hey Monica, why don't you just back off and let the man relax." Trevor leans forward with his elbows on his knees, "You ever just think Sean here just needs a fucking break? Maybe you should stop pressuring him to be the guy you want him to be and just let him be who the fuck he is."

Ah fuck. Shut the fuck up, Trevor. 

"Trevor, stop." I sit straight in my seat as I regard him. "It's fine, her shift is over and I brought her here. I'm going to take her home, relax man."

I definitely did not have the capability to drive right now but I didn't want Trevor to cuss out my girl. The moment he began to open his mouth towards her I already wanted to punch him in the face. As much as he is like a brother to me, there's no way I'd be able to stand him talking down to Monica.

"Fine, take her home, Sean." Trevor takes a drag of his cigarette and looks at me, "You need anything, anything at all, you know I got you." Then he looks over to Monica with a look that I can't quite decipher.

He's clearly a bit aggravated, probably because he thinks she's trying to control me and knowing Trevor, there was nothing more irritating to him than that. His father had tried to control his entire life and his mother had wanted him to be the perfect son. So, to Trevor, that look of disappointment smeared all over Monica's face is one he's seen a million times.

"Yeah I know, Trev." I stand up but I've been sitting for some time, so the action of standing has me nearly falling over. "Fuck..." I mumble out as I try to regain my balance.

Monica doesn't say anything as she takes my hand with a slight worried look. I stumble my way out and down the stairs behind my beautiful girl, feeling like I'm in between the king of the world and a complete fucking mess. She's dragging me through the sea of dancing bodies and my heart is fucking racing. Once we get outside I feel my heart nearly thudding out of my chest. The alcohol is coursing through me, it feels fucking amazing. I blink my dry eyes a few times as Monica turns and says something to me. 

"Huh?" I shake my head, trying to focus because my mind is all over the fucking place.

She lets out a frustrated sigh, "I asked you where the fucking car keys are, Sean."

"They're in my fucking pocket," I emphasize the word just as she had done. "Where the fuck do you think they are?"

She rolls her eyes at my retort and I really don't like the fucking attitude. She throws me another aggravated look as she says,"give them to me. There's no way you're driving anywhere like that." She outstretches her hand expectantly at me.

I mean, I agree with her, but the way it's coming out of her mouth is making my demons scratch at their cages. I don't say anything as I grab my keys out of my pocket and hand them to her. She snatches them before stomping off to the truck. Okay, now I'm starting to get pissed. All this fucking attitude she's throwing at me is really, really not my thing.

I'm all set with this shit.

"You know what, Monica?" I call out as I stuff my hands in my pocket. "You can take the truck home. I think I'm just going to stay here for a bit and grab a cab later or stay with Trev tonight."

She freezes a few feet in front of me with her back still facing my direction. "No, we're going home together. I'm taking you home." 

I stand there, staring at her back when the impulse to be a raging asshole starts coursing through me. I'm trying real hard to suppress it, trying to keep my god damn mouth shut. Never in my life have I let a woman tell me what I can and cannot do. Never in my life have I ever let someone dictate my actions and that wasn't about to start now. I may be a pussy-whipped bitch, but I'm not a complete fucking bitch who just does whatever he's told.

"Don't start with this type of shit, Monica. Do not start trying to tell me what I can and can't do. I'm a grown ass man, sweetheart."

She slowly turns around, "Sean please, just come home with me." That hard look is still all over her face though. 

I grit my jaw, "and if I don't? Huh, what happens then?"

"What happens is we're going to have a fucking problem, Sean." She crosses her arms across her chest.

"Then I think we have a fucking problem." I pinch my nose, shit feels fucking clogged as hell.

"Jesus, just look at you." She gestures her hand out to me. "You're so messed up."

"Yup, no shit. Tell me something I don't already fucking know." And if she doesn't stop with this shit it's about to get infinitely worse.

She let's out a giant sigh. "I'm not about to let you stay here and get so fucked up you end up doing something you're going to regret."

"So, what you're really trying to say is that you don't trust me."

And there it is...

I can see it, right there, right in front of me. Monica doesn't trust me, not that I blame her for not trusting me. There is just something about the thought though that irks me. 

"You say you love me but all I am to you is a fucking disappointment. Thank you for the fucking reminder, Monica."

Her features twist, "what?" She's walking towards me now, looking worried but I prefer worried over utter fucking disappointment. 

"I'm not going to magically change, Monica. It's not just going to happen because you think you love me. You can take all that disappointment and go fuck yourself with it." 

"I would rather you shut that big fucking mouth of yours for once and let me show you that I actually do fucking love you. I love you, Sean but I don't like seeing you hurt yourself. I'd rather you take out that frustration in a more productive way." Monica is standing in front of me now with a seductive look all over her face and fuck me if I didn't want her on all fours right here on the sidewalk. "Come home."

I smirk down at her. If there was ever a woman who was tailor made for yours truly, it was this one. "You've got it, beautiful."