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Silence. Deafening, utter silence fills the air, wrapping itself so tightly around my throat til I'm choking on it. All I can hear is Jordan, Marie, and Andre's breathing or I'd think they were no longer here.

Suddenly my veins tighten and I wonder why the hell I've been so shocked. So weak. So—

The floor begins to crack beneath us, jolting me from my thoughts

"Oh, shit." Jordan lets out.

"Goldie, get ba-" Andre starts and I feel his fingers brush against my arm before the room starts to spin and I feel like I'm being swallowed whole, hushed whispers screaming as I claw at my ears, unable to see anything. Have I gone blind? Is this hell-

"What was that?" Marie asks panicked and I still can't see shit, nothing but mini flashes in my mind, like my eyes are sown shut.

"Goldie?" Andre shakes me. "Goldie, what-"

"Come here." Brink's stern voice rattles my mind.

"No, you should stay here."

"How long will you be gone?"

"Il, are you okay?"

"Make it stop." I gasp, grabbing both sides of my head. The voices.

"Il? Iliana, can you hear me?" I feel Jordan by my side in an instant.

"Yes, sir?" I hear my voice tightly express.

"I don't know what you were trying to pull out there today." Brink says. "But-"

"I was simply answering the question I was asked." I hear myself snap at him as I squeeze my eyes trying to force myself to pry them open... though why would I? I've seen this happen before... I LIVED IT! IT'S MY MEMORY!

Brink chuckles. "You know how you're supposed to answer those questions." He fires back and finally my eyes open and immediately meet very concerned brown eyes, drowning my blue. God, of all the things I wish I could say... do. To them right now. I tilt my head as they bore into me, staring so hard you'd think I'd have a hole in my head. But what if the hatred runs too deep? The hurt? The pain.

"You are single." Brink demands and the way Jordan's face turns haunted will be something I don't think I'll ever forget. "You're not running around playing lesbian, you. are. single. You must come off available, sexy, attractive." My jaw slacks as I manage to pull my gaze away from theirs to look at me. From behind you can tell I look tense and Andre and Marie are watching intently.

"Queen Maeve is out." I state stubbornly, lifting my chin up high. Where did she go?  "I'm not seeing an issue with her."

"Queen Maeve is dyke!" Brink argues, slamming his hand on his desk. "You, my Golden Girl, are sexy. Beautiful. Young. Attractive. You must be seen and marketed as available. We can tease relationships along the way, keep it interesting."

Though I can't see my face, I know my nostrils flare.

"You just don't want me to be seen with them." I let out a bitter chuckle.

Brink sighs, shaking his head. "Look, Jordan is great. With some work, they can be in the top five if not three at this school. But-" He tilts his head down to look my directly in the eye. "Someone like you being seen with Jordan? It's... not a good look. For you. Not what we're going for." He waves his hand around in the air and I wish nothing more than to slap the smugness right out of him and send him to pure ash on his carpet. "Mmm? We can't have guys out here seeing their dream girl acting gay can we?" He says it like it's absolute poison in his mouth. "Like I said, Jordan's great. Great for numbers and sponsors for the college, what with all the inclusivity bullshit. But it's not gonna happen with you. If you want your numbers to skyrocket and this film to do well... along with Golden Boy staying safe? You'll know what to do." Brink nods, moving closer to me and my body tenses even more. I can't even begin to look at Jordan's face at Brink's words. I can't. "You'll make the right decision." Brink's hand lands on my exposed shoulder. "For you."

The ground shakes again, rumbling beneath us.

"Where are we right now?" Marie quickly asks. "In this memory."

Don't look at Jordan. Don't look at them.

I open my mouth to answer but nothing comes out. Nothing. I would laugh if I could bring myself to make that noise, any noise, at all.

Instead my eyes dart to the ones in front of me, glossing over as they bore into mine. Betrayal. That's the only thing I see. Hurt. Anger. At me. At Brink.

"We're in the back of the auditorium. Come on." Andre rushes out as the ground splits open and Marie slips, letting out a scream before Andre grabs her. "Now!" He yells at Jordan and I and I slide my foot back slowly, ready to let myself fall in.

"Don't you fucking dare, Iliana." Jordan spits out and all in one swift motion grabs both my wrists and pulls them into their chest and everything catches in my throat. Words. Breathing.

"Jordan, Goldie!" Andre shouts as Jordan and I wobble slightly and they pull me with them out the door.

"Where are we gonna go?" Marie freaks out as we all begin sprinting across campus once again. I'm so sick of this shi-

"Are you fucking serious?" A feminine voice spits out and I freeze dead in my fucking tracks. Please, please no. Jordan's grip loosens and I slip free, unable to move any further as Andre and Marie whip their heads around. But Jordan doesn't. No. Their shoulders tense just as mine did moments ago. But theirs is real. Now. Having to relive the horror of what's about to take place.

What runs through my mind as a nightmare on repeat almost every night for the past year. The very memory that lights my mind on fire, the flames licking the old wounds that are so raw they won't close up and heal.

And everyone's about to see what I had done. What haunts me when I lay awake each night staring up at the ceiling wishing I could just disintegrate myself, enjoying the searing pain that's never enough to do much of anything. Nothing real. Nothing important, or truly damaging. Isn't that the irony of it all? No matter how much I physically harm and burn myself... my body fucking heals itself. Leaving nothing but a red mark that fades back into nothing on the skin, like it was never there.

"I can't have this conversation again, Jordan." My voice snaps.

"What fucking conversation, Iliana? We didn't even have one!" They shout back, the raw hurt in their voice shredding my insides. My chest aches, the pressure pulling so tight I bring my hand up. Is this what a heart attack is like? Can it just take me out completely.

"I can't be with you." The words fall out of my mouth, sounding breathless and desperate, slicing through the air sharply. But I know what I had to do... "You know that. You know why."

"Then fucking say it." They spit out, daring me to rip their heart out, and hurt them for good.

Marie stares wildly at the scene in front of us, Andre's lips part open as he watches intently. But Jordan still hasn't turned around, and I can't take my eyes off the back of their head, breathing heavily as I look at them as their fists clench.

"Because you're not a guy." Oh God. I screw my eyes shut, wishing to squeeze the fucking life out of Cate for this. I feel my veins white hot. "Not-" I take a sharp breath. "Not all the time." I take a pause. "And I can't be with that, I can't be seen with that. And I-I can't love you. I don't." My voice trembles slightly, and they catch it. Oh do they catch it. Every. Time.

"I know you. Like the back of my hand." Jordan words for days ago echo through my head. Still. Then, now, they always did. They always will.

"Can't?" Jordan baits me. "Or don't, Iliana? Might wanna get your story straight, even though you're not."

A small gasp slips from my lips as I open my eyes and we're no longer outside. Jordan's head snaps up. Andre looks over at me, worried, as Marie's curious eyes fill are dampened with sadness. Ugh, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Before I can scream at them to look away suddenly sobs fill the room we're in and I step to the side to see past Andre...

It's me.

Of course it fucking is.

My phone is up at my ear as my other hand is wrapped tightly around a tequila bottle.

"Cate." I sniff, choking down a sob into the phone. "Cate, I can't do this anymore."

"Hey, hey, hey, shhh. It's okay, it's okay." Her voice soothes.

"No. No, I want to come home. I want to come back to God U." I continue, working myself up into almost hyperventilating. "I can't take this shit anymore. I want to see Luke, and you, Magnet, and-" The name lodges itself in my throat and I take that moment to look away from me and glance around at the state of my trailer on set. Everything's thrown everywhere or torn down. Broken bottles, pillows ripped open with scorched feathers charred beside them.

"Deep breathes, Il." Cate says, breathing in and out loudly over the phone. "Hey, why don't I come visit set tomorrow, okay?"

"I-"

"We can have a girls day together." Cate is quick to interject. "And we can talk about it more together, yeah?" She sounds so sincere... fakely sincere.

My eyes move back over to me roughly rubbing my face to pull myself together. "Yeah?"

"Yes, yes." Cate assures. "You just need a girls day, that's all, you deserve a break!"

I shake my head. "I don't want a break, I want to do be done."

"Don't even say anything else, babe, I'm on my way now." You can hear her shuffling around on the phone. "You shouldn't be alone right now."

The hairs on my arms start to prickle, sending a sheen of cold swear up my arms, traveling to my spine.

"I'm leaving campus now, I'll be there soon, okay?"

"Okay." I sigh in relief. "Yeah. Thank you, C."

"Of course." She says before hanging up. As soon as she does I send my phone into the wall and throw my head back, letting the tequila slide down my throat.

"Jesus." Marie whispers, barely audible for anyone to hear.

"Cate never told us anything about coming to see you." Andre says, brows furrowing together.

She what?

"Wait-" Marie turns to me. "You don't think she-"

Knocking sounds on the door and I fly past all of us to answer it, swinging the door open.

"Cate." My voice sounds so relieved, and tired, as she throws her arms around my neck and my body feels heavy, turning numb, and a sharp pain sears through my head as my eyes zero in on her hands hanging behind my head....

She doesn't have her gloves on.

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𝟶ʙᴜᴛᴛᴇʀʙɪsᴄᴜɪᴛ𝟽 sᴘᴇᴀᴋs!

Heyyyy... WELCOME BACK TO GOLDEN FACADE!!!

And more importantly... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILIANAAA!!! My badass, bitchy sunshine girl, they do nottt deserve you <3

I looked it up & couldn't find a bday for Luke, or any Gen V character so I just don't think they have one canonically lmao, so I took the zodiac sign test for Illie (twice lmao) & she got Scorpio so here we areee!! Say happy bday to our Scorpio Queennn ;)

I can't believe how quickly Iliana become one of my absolute fav oc's of mine, & dare I say she's probs THE favorite rn lol. I hope y'all enjoyed this chapterrr!! Next chap we are FINALLY coming out of Cate's damn head y'allll!! You have bared with me long enough & I appreciate it SO much!! Hope y'all enjoyed the Ilordan angst </3 my speciality, & the call back to the gut wrenching chapter that is ep. 4 pt. 2... (that's one of my fav scenes of them tbh... it's just SO good & heartbreakingggg, ugh!)

ANYWAYS!! Sorry for no Golden Facade Sunday, but you can now see why lol. And we're celebrating the update & Iliana's bday with.... 20K READSSS, HOLY SHITTT!! I literally cannot wrap my head around that still omg & cannot thank y'all enough for all the support & love y'all show on this book. This book & Iliana truly hold SUCH a special place in my heart & I cannot thank y'all enough for following along on Iliana's story & reading <3333

Until next time, MWAH!!! (oh, & happy 5 months to The Boys S4 since we are in that universe & I cannot wait for Iliana to get a taste of The Boys!!) Okay that's all haha, byeeee!!! (One of my FAV Ilordan gifs now btwww!!)