𖤓 𖤓 𖤓

My insides twist as mine and Luke's last words echo in my head.

"I'll be gone for a year."

"And it'll go by so fast and you'll be right back here before you know it, you won't even know a years past."

"A lot can happen in a year."

"A lot can happen in a year."

"Gold-" Andre starts before we hear a rattling noise and look up to find the Luke's room start to come apart while shaking. "Shit."

"Let's go." Jordan voices and Marie nods in agreement.

"Come on." Andre says, tugging my wrist remembering I didn't want to go last time. I look back at Luke's room demolishing, reminding myself he's not real. But what the hell is?

Maybe I should just stay in here, in Cate's mind. I could see Luke. And be tortured with memories... it's what I deserve. I'd never have to face reality, or Cate, again. I wouldn't have to deal with all this fucking shit. I could be free and miserable in peace.

"Where are we going?" Marie asks, far more calmer than last time we were on the move since no one's chasing us, at the moment.

We move down the hall of the dorms, turning the corner when a voice booms.

"Golden Girl." The voice sent a rigid pain up my spine. Oh, God.

"Is that-" Jordan looks ahead.

"Homelander." Andre finishes.

"Holy shit." Marie breathes.

We were no longer in the dorms, but in The Seven tower, my personal hell.

"Homelander." I watch myself dip my head towards him. "Thank you for having me."

"No, thank you for being here." He walks over to me and wraps his arm around my back. "Why don't I show you around." His arm slips down to my waist and his hand reaches down to my ass. "Huh?"

I clear my throat, my face tightening to hide signs of uncomfortability. "Sounds great."

"What the fuck?" Jordan lets out.

The memory seems to glitch as now Homelander and I were walking back into the conference room.

"If there's anything you ever need, you'll come to me, yes?" He asks, hand still on my ass.

I nod slowly. "Yes, sir, of course."

Homelander lifts his chin. "Good. When you join The Seven." He leans down closer to my ear and Jordan's fist clenches beside me. "I need to know you'll do that. You have to come to me for everything. Understand?"

I watch myself stare straight ahead, blood running cold.

"Yes, Homelander." I tell him, not daring to say otherwise.

"Good girl." He smiles, satisfied, and moves away from my ear, and his grip on my waist tightens causing my eye to twitch. "You wouldn't let me down like everyone else around here has, would you?"

I plaster the absolute fakest smile on my face, beaming bright. "Would never dream of it."

"Oh yeah, you'll be a great addition to the team."

I let out a deep sigh as everyone's eyes move me. God, I hate the fucking pity ass look on their faces.

"G-Goldie." Andre swallows, brows furrowed. "Did he-" A frown settles on his face. "Did Homelander hurt you? Tou-"

As if my fucking luck couldn't get any goddamn worse... right on cue a grunt noise shifts everyone's focus and I look up horrified.

Homelander, with a fist full of my hair, is keeping my head down on top of his- ranting.

"Fear him? Fear Solider Boy? No, no, no." He closes his eyes, leaning his head back for a moment and I feel sick. Sick.

Kill me now, kill me now. My skin feels like it's on fire as my eyes burn with tears threatening to form as Marie gasps lightly, mouth parting.

"Oh, my God." She whispers.

"He will fear me. Everyone will fear me!" Homelander's voice raises before he yanks me up and I gasp for air, eyes watery as I try to blink rapidly before he could tell. "Do you fear me, Golden Girl? Hmmm?"

He threatened to pull my movie. And when I told him I didn't care about my movie he told me he'd make sure he told my professor, Brink of course, that I wasn't cooperating like he promised I would. That my brother he's also heard so much about would never be drafted The Seven. That- he'd hurt Luke. I'd like to see him try.

The Deep's enjoyed letting his hands travel where he wanted them to.

I nod, eyes completely dead and empty. No one could hate something more in their life than I could hate myself in that moment.

The sound of soft crying pulls my attention from the nightmare in front of me and I spin around, assuming everyone else will too, though I can feel their eyes on me, and I find... well, well, well, me.

I'm wiping my eyes vigorously with the back of my hand pacing in my trailer.

"Please pick up, Cate, please." I mumble to myself, sniffling as I do. I notice my hand scorching my ribs on the inside of my jacket, thankful that no one else will be able to tell.

"Hey, Il." Cate answers, only causing my anger to spike. "Everything ok?"

I roll my neck around, pulling the phone away from my ear for a moment to take a deep breath. "Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" I ask lightly, trying my best to sound cheerful.

"It's 4 am." Cate says warily. Oh.

"Oh, right, yeah sorry, I'm sorry." I hurry out, shaking my head as I glance over at the clock on the wall. It was in fact 4:34am. "I wasn't even thinking, I just-"

"Hey, it's ok." Cate quickly jumps back in. "Breathe, Il. Tell me what's wrong." Her tone sounded so sweet, so comforting. What a joke.

I swallow, tossing my head back. "I, uh." Breathe. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Why?" Cate asks softly.

I finally stop pacing, gripping the counter as I slide down to the floor on my knees. "I just wanna come back to God U."

Cate pauses. "I can't imagine how hard it's been for you." Liar. "Why don't I come visit you tomorrow, hmm? We can have a girls day."

I nod, my chest automatically feeling ten times lighter. "That sounds great." I sigh. "It's been too long."

"Yeah, it has."

"Well, I'll let you get back to bed."

"Oh, don't worry, I wasn't asleep." Cate assures. "Call me anytime you need me, Il."

A small smile reaches my lips before stretching out into a thin line. "I will. Goodnight."

"Night."

Once the line goes dead I set my phone onto the tile and push myself up, taking a few steps to my fridge. I know what's coming. Even if I hadn't already lived it, I would know. I watch myself pull a vodka bottle out of the freeze and twist the cap before flicking it off with my finger and throw my head back, chugging as the cold, clear liquid wraps itself around my throat, wishing I could drown in it...

And that night I bashed my head and fists over and over and over again on the kitchen cabinets until I drank myself to sleep on the kitchen floor, waking up the next morning with a sore body and empty bottles all around me.

What I deserve.

𖤓 𖤓 𖤓

𝟶ʙᴜᴛᴛᴇʀʙɪsᴄᴜɪᴛ𝟽 sᴘᴇᴀᴋs!

Hey, hey, heyyy <3 Welcome back to Golden Facade ANDDD... HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO THE FINALE!!!

I seriously cannot believe it's already the one year anniversary for the finale when I feel like the celebrating for the episodes just started... ugh I miss this show SO much!! BUTTT!! THEY JUST FINISHED FILMING S2 THIS PAST WEEKKK, AHHH!!!

Anywaysss, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!! This was such a rough one to write & probs one of the worst ones for Iliana... but these are showing & explaining her character SO much & ugh just how much she's been through :/

I was seriously thinking this was gonna be the last chapter of Iliana's memories, cause I feel like y'all are probs getting tired of these lmao, but this chapter actually went longer than I thought! But next weekend SHOULD be the last bit of Iliana's memories that Cate's gonna torture her with... cause I have justttt a few more things to write for them!! Sooo, stay tuned for that!! Ilordan content def coming next weekend too for that so y'all better be sat ;)

Thank y'all SO much for being here!! AND THANK YOU FOR 19K READS THAT WE JUST HIT A FEW DAYS AGOOOO, WHATTTT?!?!? Like seriously, what?! The show ended 1 year ago today & now we're here with this book?!?!? Can't ever thank y'all enough, love y'all sm!!

Okay, I think I'm done yapping now lmao, don't forget to comment your thoughts, reactions, & questionsss!! And until next time, mwah!! <333

(ALSO POSTING ONE OF THE MOST GUT WRENCHING ILORDAN EDITS TO AN AGATHARIO EDIT AUDIO IN HONOR OF THE ANNIVERSARY/CHAPTER SO IF YOU'RE INTERESTED & WANNA HYPE IT UP... 0BUTTERBISCUIT7 ON WATTPAD... OKAY BYEEEE)