We were stunned. Literally stunned. It felt like we both were sinking in our seats.

What is Clay doing here? Why is he with Amy? Why are they kissing? How the- What the- When did this- 

"..ka, Elka?"

I was pulled out by Zinnia from drowning in my own thoughts who was calling and shaking me. 

"Wh-what?" I asked her. 

"Take me back," she said, looking down at her lap.

I fell silent for a few seconds before nodding my head and started the engine. I stopped my car in front of our house causing Zinnia to look at me with perplexity. 

"Why did you stop here?" she asked.

"You get out. I've got to go somewhere," I said, my eyes on the steering wheel.

"You're going to Amy's, right?" she asked, to which I kept mum.

"Elka, you don't ha-"

"Get out, Zinnia. I'll come back right now."

She sighed in defeat as she knew it was bootless talking to me right now and with that, she didn't have the energy. 

I stepped on the accelerator and drove to Amy's house, again. I have got a lot of questions on my mind that if I didn't get answers to those, my mind was likely to explode and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. 

I parked my car after making sure that Clay's car wasn't anywhere near. I stood in front of her house, put up a calm face and rang the bell. 

"Elka!" Amy cried and gave me a tight hug.

I hugged her back. 

"Come in," she said, making way for me. 

"How are you?" I asked her. 

"I'm fine. You? And what's with this outfit?" she asked, eyeing me up and down. 

"Was someone here?" I asked her, straightforwardly. 

She looked at me, a wave of confusion washed over her face. 

"Umm...no. It's just me because mom went to work."

"Well, smells like Clay Miller here. You know, his usual mint perfume," I said, looking around her house and then at her. 

Amy's mouth was widened and her eyes were saying many things. She sighed before sitting on her couch. 

"Why didn't you tell me, Amy? Why are you hiding it from me?" I asked, standing a few inches away from her.

"How did you know?" she asked, her voice low. 

"Answer my question first. Why didn't you tell me that you're with Clay? Also, did you lie to Zinnia that you were fucking sick when she asked you to hang out with her?"

Amy snapped her head towards me and shook her head vigorously. 

"No no no. I was really sick. My stomach was upset because of food poisoning. I got well only yesterday. I was about to call Zinnia and make it upto her. I swear, Elka, I didn't lie. Not to you or Zinnia. I swear," she said, her tears streaming all the way down to her short chin.

"Then why the hell did you hide the fact that you and Clay are dating?"

"Because I'm scared of judgments, Elka!" she yelled. 

"What?"

She started to cry more. She hid her face with her hands and her shoulders were shaking. I took steps closer and sat near her, making circles on her back to calm her. After a few minutes, Amy stopped crying. She wiped away her tears and looked at me, her eyes cherry red. 

"I'm here, Amy. Talk to me. I'm right here," I said, assuring her that I would be on her side no matter what happened.

It was true that I was a bit angry at her for hiding something like this from me. But instead of jumping to conclusions, I should hear her side of the story. After all, I was her only friend. 

"Elka, I swear. I didn't have any intentions of hiding about me and Clay from you and I'm sorry that you had to know it from somewhere else."

I nodded my head. 

She wiped her tears and took a deep breath before answering my questions, telling me what happened.

"On the last day of our exams, Ash asked me to hang out with him. Even though I said no, he insisted and said that he wants to make it upto me for hurting me. I agreed because if someone is sorry for their doings, then it's fine giving them a chance, right?"

I nodded my head. 

This was Amy. The girl with the purest heart. 

"And so I waited for him at the school entrance. I waited for him but as I didn't see him, I went to his classroom. But when I went there, I saw him making out with Becky."

That motherfucker!

"I-I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why he was doing this to me."

"Did you love him, Amy?" I asked as I remember Zinnia saying this on the day at the mall. 

"No. The truth is, I liked him. I dreamt of being his girlfriend. But before it turned into love, Ash showed his true colors unknowingly which I'm glad. If I had fallen into that loop of love, I know I can't get myself out as I know myself. "

"Mm..ok. Then, what happened?"

"After seeing that, I was upset. I wanted to cry because even though we weren't anything, he shouldn't have done that to me. I am a simple girl who is too kind for my own good. I'm not strong like you, Elka."

I nodded my head. 

"I went to the back of our building to be alone but when I went there, I saw Clay. He was droopy and looked sad. So I went towards him and asked what happened. He was hesitant at first but then he told me that you rejected him."

I was taken aback. Whatever happened, was somehow fucking related to me. 

Hey life, can I take a break?

"Yeah I did. I thought he was fine with it. He even said that he's happy for me if I get to be with Danish."

"Elka, Clay has been crushing on you for more than three months. Of course, he would say he's ok even if it hurt him. That's how boys are."

But not Danish. Wait, why am I thinking about Danish?

"He knows that you won't be his but still he asked you out because he didn't want to carry that burden forever. He was trying to forget you even before he asked you out."

I nodded my head.

"Yeah, so he said what happened. Seeing my face, he knew something was off. So when he asked me, I didn't hesitate to tell him because I wanted someone to talk to and so I told him everything about Ash."

"What did he say?"

"He said he didn't like Ash from the beginning and he thought I was an absolute idiot for dating a jerk like him."

I looked at her for sometime before bursting into laughter. Seeing me, Amy let out a chuckle and said, "Yeah, I know. It's funny."

"It's true though. Ok, then?" I asked, controlling my laughter.

"And then, we talked for some time and it felt really good. We were enjoying each other's company and wondered why we didn't talk all these days. It was like we were missing each other out all this time. We then swapped numbers and called and texted every day, all day. And when I told him I wasn't well, it was him who looked after me when my mom went to work. He bought me medicines and food," she said, pointing at the plastic cover on the dining table.

"We began to have feelings for each other. We understood that even without us confessing. And then yesterday night, he asked me to be his girlfriend to which I said yes at that second because, Elka, Clay has treated me in a whole different way than Ash. Clay tells me how special I am and how much I mean to him whenever he gets the chance. And I exactly want a guy like that. He loves my flaws, loves my imperfections, he loves me for who I am without expecting anything in return. I have never felt this happy, Elka. You know how my life is. A single mom who works day in and out for me and I don't remember how my father looks as he abandoned me and my mom when I was a baby. You know everything about me and accepted it and that's why you're my best friend. The one I would look upto for anything. Besides you, it's Clay."

There's someone before Clay, Amy. 

I nodded my head. 

"What's with you being scared of judgments? Do you think I would judge you for something like this?"

"I have always been scared of judgements, Elka. And I know that you won't judge me. You'll be the last person on earth who would do that. But it's me. I was scared of what you would think of me. I dated Ash for just two weeks and I already liked him. And then Clay. I thought you would think of me as some girl who catches feelings for boys quickly which I'm not. Trust me, Elka. Many people in our college look at me as if I'm desperate for attention as I dated the college hottie. But they don't know anything about Ash using me as a rebound and all, well they don't care about my part to tell the truth. I was about to tell you about Clay but I needed some time."

"I get it. I understand," I said.

Amy smiled and nodded her head.

"Well, compared to that trash, Clay is far far better than Ash. I know he's a good guy and if you're really happy with him, then don't give a fuck about anything or anyone, Amy. You are a girl who deserves to be happy and if Clay is your happiness, then what do you have to think about?" I said.

"Thanks, Elka. How did you know about Clay and me being sick by the way?" she asked with squinted eyes. 

I told her everything, from Ash's call to me seeing Clay kissing her to which she blushed like a tomato. I didn't miss the pink lacy thong part but hid about Zinnia. 

"I know he's with her. And I don't really mind because I got a better man with me now. So...." she trailed off, smiling. 

"Yeah," I said, nodding my head. 

"And, Elka, please tell Zinnia that other than you, she's my best friend. When I was down thinking about Ash, it was her who made me smile and laugh and I'll forever be grateful to her for that. She's my good friend."

I forced a smile and nodded my head. 

"Well then, I'll get going. I didn't eat breakfast," I said, standing up from her sofa. 

"There's enough porridge. You can have some," Amy offered. 

"No, it's fine. Lily already made breakfast."

I hugged her and told her to contact me if she needed any help and stepped outside. I got into my car and drove off to my home. 

What will I say to Zinnia? It's now for sure that Amy saw Zinnia only as her friend. Me and Zinnia had hopes about this whole fucking Mission Zinmy. Mission Zinmy? I made that. I fucking made that. I'm the one who gave Zinnia hopes again. What the fuck did you do, Elka? You're not only ruining your own life but also others. 

»»---------------------►

I parked my car in the garage and rested my head on the steering wheel. It was harder than I thought, to face Zinnia with this news. She was going to be so fucking sad but will not show, she was going to keep everything inside and will tell she was fine. I sat for a few more minutes and then got out. 

I opened the door and saw Zinnia and Lily on the couch, waiting for me. 

"Hey," I said. 

"What did she say?" Zinnia asked. 

I sighed and took a seat across from them. I bit my bottom lip while Zinnia and Lily were looking at me with close attention. 

"Amy and Clay are in a relationship," I said, looking at Zinnia. 

The room fell silent. Zinnia looked at me sternly while Lily looked at her with concern. 

"Ok," she said and nodded her head. 

I told her everything. Zinnia just sat there and listened to me, not even nodding. 

"So she saw me just as a friend, right?" Zinnia asked, to which I nodded slowly. "I should have known," she said under her breath but loud enough for me and Lily to hear. 

Zinnia sighed and got up from the couch, making me and Lily look at her. 

"I'm gonna go to my room and I need some time for myself," she said, specifying that we shouldn't disturb her for today. 

We nodded our heads and Zinnia went to her room soon. I sighed and leaned back on the headrest while Lily came and sat next to me. 

"I'm the one who did this. I'm the one who gave her hopes and made her sad. I'll never forgive myself for this Lily," I said, sobbing. 

"Hey, Elka. Don't say that. I'm sure Zinnia will never blame you or even think this is all because of you. No one can control or change one's feelings and sexuality. Amy is straight and will be. She sees Zinnia as her friend and nothing more."

I looked at her while Lily wiped away my tears. 

"Maybe this is Zinnia's fate. I know you don't believe in fate but at times like this, we should acknowledge it, Elka. Maybe Zinnia and Amy aren't meant to be together like you wished. Even you said once that nothing is in our hands. What you did was something that would make both of your close ones happy but God had different plans. Don't blame yourself for this, Elka. If Zinnia hears it, you know what will happen. She can't watch you being sad. So instead of blaming and crying, what we can do is to be there for her. She needs us," Lily concluded.

I nodded my head before lying on Lily's lap. 

"I'm tired," I muttered. 

"I know. It's fine. I'm here," Lily said, caressing my hair, making me close my eyes and drifting to sleep. 

»»---------------------►

The next day, I woke up earlier than usual to check on Zinnia. She didn't come out of her room all day yesterday and me and Lily were worried sick. 

"I hope she's okay," I said before sipping coffee.

"Me too," Lily said while cooking. "I'm really worried for her. She didn't eat anything yesterday."

"I know. She said she needs time but..." I trailed off, looking at the closed door of Zinnia's room.

"Is there anything that we can do? Or anyone that can help us?" Lily asked, turning towards me.

I looked at her for a few seconds before getting up from the chair, grabbing my hoodie that was on the couch and walking towards the door.

"Elka? Wait, where are you going?" Lily asked me, seeing me lunging to get to the door. 

"I'll come now," I said and closed the door behind me.

After twenty minutes, I was standing at my doorstep, perspiring, but not alone. I was sure Zinnia trusted this person blindly after me and Lily. Hearing the bell, Lily opened the door and was surprised to see Sandra, beside me.

"Hey, Sandra," Lily said and hugged her. 

"Long time no see," Sandra said and pulled back. 

Once Sandra entered, she turned to Lily. 

"Elka told me everything. I don't know if I'll be able to console Zinnia but I'll try my best," she said. 

"Yes, please. I'm sure she will be relieved that you're here for her," Lily said. 

Sandra nodded and headed towards Zinnia's room. She knocked on the door to get no response. 

"Zinnia, it's me Sandra. I'm coming in, ok?" she said before twisting the doorknob and getting in and closing the door. 

Me and Lily looked at each other before walking to the kitchen. I took a seat and wiped the sweat beads on my forehead with a tissue while Lily asked, "You walked to that bookstore to call Sandra for Zinnia? That too when you have a car?"

"Yeah, what else do you think I did? And I didn't walk, I ran," I corrected her. "Also, my car keys are upstairs and I forgot about it as I was in a hurry."

Lily smiled at me.

"You're an angel."

I smiled back at her remark and said, "I know. Now give me something to eat. This angel is hungry."

"When are you not hungry?" Lily asked, chuckling. 

"Touché!"

»»---------------------►

It was around afternoon and me and Lily were anxiously waiting for them to come out of Zinnia's room. Our heads snapped towards the direction of her room when we heard the door opening. Sandra came out holding Zinnia's hand, making me and Lily sprang out of the couch. Zinnia looked fine but not good and smiled upon seeing us. 

"Hey," I said, walking towards her and giving her a warm hug. 

She hugged me back and Lily also did the same. 

I mouthed a thank you to Sandra who smiled warmly. 

"How are you doing?" Lily asked. 

"I'm okay," Zinnia replied. 

"Come, eat something," she coaxed to which Zinnia followed her to the kitchen silently. 

"Ok then. I'll take my leave. I told my coworker to cover up for me and now she's calling. I should go," Sandra said, making her way to the door. 

"Yeah, ok. Thanks for coming," Lily said. 

"Yeah sure, anytime. Bye. Take care," she said waving at us and took off. 

I went and sat near Zinnia who smiled at me.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm fine."

"Zin..." I called her. "I'm sorry. It's me wh-"

"If you're going to blame yourself, then stop talking right now," she cut me off.

I looked at her and then at Lily who shrugged her shoulders. 

"Elka, it's not your fault that me and Amy aren't together. I told you this before. You were just trying to do something to see both of your friends happy and it's not at all your fault that things became like this. You can wish for things to happen but cannot expect it to happen. I'm not saying that I'm not sad and I forgot Amy overnight. But I'll forget about the feelings I have for her and remain as her friend. It's gonna be hard for me to move on from her and it will take some time. But I know that someday, I'll be genuinely happy again," Zinnia said. 

I smiled at her and hugged her to which she was surprised before hugging me back.

"You're stronger than you think, Zin. I'm proud of you. I really am," I said, resting my chin on her shoulder. 

She smiled and mumbled an 'I love you' to which I kissed her cheek. 

Lily stood there, smiling at us. 

We pulled back from the hug and Zinnia continued eating. 

"I'm glad that she's not with that dumbass Ash. Clay is a good guy. I know he will never break her heart and will treat her like she deserves to. I'm happy for her," Zinnia said, munching on her bread. 

I nodded my head as I agreed with her. Clay was smart, good looking, talented, a gentleman and moreover loved Amy for who she was. I too was happy for her. 

"So, it's the end of Mission Zinmy, right?" Zinnia asked to which I mumbled a yes and gave her a faint smile. 

»»---------------------►

"We can go somewhere tonight," Zinnia said after drinking a glass of milk. 

"Yeah, sure. Where?" I asked enthusiastically. 

"What about that Kebab Spot?" she suggested. 

"But we went there last week, right?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, we can call Danish and Andrew this time. I enjoy hanging out with them."

Here we go!

"Oh, that's a good idea. Elka, what do you think?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, sure. We can call them," I said and smiled at them. 

"You sure? We don't have to call them if you aren't ok with it. I totally forgot about what happened that day," Zinnia said.

"No, it's fine. Call them, we can have some fun tonight," I said, reassuring her with a lie.

"Okay. I'll call them," Lily said, taking her phone. 

Honestly, I didn't want to see Danish tonight. But when Zinnia said she liked to spend time with them, I didn't think of anything else. If that made her happy then I would do it, even if it meant to put myself away. 

»»---------------------►

We three arrived at Kebab Spot around eight. Andrew and Danish were already there as they had to reserve a table for us. 

We greeted the boys, well let's say that Lily and Zinnia hugged Andrew and Danish while I only greeted Andrew. It was impossible for me to pretend as if I was chill taking into account what happened these past few days. Danish could do that but not me. Never. 

We ate kebab, a lot of kebab and Danish was saying how much he missed it. Guessed his Persian Ammi used to cook it for him. 

I talked with everyone except Danish even though he made attempts to talk to me. Lily and Zinnia exchanged glances as they heeded me avoiding him. 

After that, we went to a small pub. While we were settling down, Zinnia pushed Danish next to me and told him to sit there. I frowned at Zinnia to which she smirked. 

I felt Danish's stare on me from the side and saw Zinnia was looking at us with her chin resting on her hand, smiling at us like a clod. I said yes to this dinner for her sake and then she had to do this to me. 

Great!

"Hey," Danish said after we placed our orders. 

It took me a few seconds to greet him back with a smile. 

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good."

Moment of awkward silence.

"Do you wanna talk about that night?" he asked nervously. 

I shook my head slowly. 

"Ok." He nodded his head. "We are on good terms, right?" he asked me to which I turned my head to face him. "You're still my shorty and I'm your bozo, right?" he asked again to which I chuckled.

Seeing me, he also let out a chuckle. 

"Yeah. I'm still your shorty, bozo," I said. 

"Finally, I can breathe!" he said. 

We talked for sometime until Zinnia interrupted us saying, "Yo, just date for fuck's sake you two!"

My laughter shrank while Danish looked at her, nonplussed. 

"Yeah, that was what even I was saying to Andrew," Lily joined her. "You both look so fudging cute together," she said, doing her iconic hand clasping. 

"Yeah, the hottest guy and the cutest girl of St. Peter's. Perfect!" Andrew said, throwing his hands in the air. 

Not again! 

Zinnia got up and sat next to Danish and whispered something to him. I noticed his eyes went wide with happiness and excitement and I right away knew it- Zinnia exposed me. She said that I liked him. Danish whispered something back to her and this went on for some minutes until Danish turned towards me and cleared his throat. 

I knew what was coming so I prepared for the double trouble. 

"Elka?" he called me. 

I turned my head towards him. 

He smiled at me before saying, "Will you go on a date with me?"

I looked at him with my eyes fixed on him and lips apart. 

"Elka, say yes," Lily coaxed followed by Zinnia and Andrew. 

"Say yes, say yes, say yes...." they started to cheer me up. 

A wave of nausea engulfed me, making me stand up immediately and getting out of the pub. I went and stood outside, trying to catch my breath that I had been holding up with both hands on my hips. The night breeze hit my face, causing a stinging pain in my eyes because of the tears that threatened to fall anytime. 

"Elka?" I heard those voices coming near me.

I blinked my eyes and without looking back, I walked towards my car, started the engine and drove off. 

I entered my home, slammed the door behind me and plopped down on the couch. This was worsening every single time I faced Danish. It was getting hard for me, even to breathe normally whenever he was near. Tears would cloud my eyes, making me look weak and vulnerable which I was fed up with. I just wanted to escape this never ending torture I was doing to myself. 

I brought my legs close to my chest, hugged myself tightly with my arms around my knees and rested my head on my arms. I sniffled and curled up my toes as I was anxious, scared and tired because of these past days. 

I heard a knock followed by the sound of the door opening. 

"Elka?" Lily called as she rushed towards me. 

Zinnia closed the door and sat next to me. I raised my head to look at them and seeing my eyes puffy and the tip of my nose red, both were shocked. 

"What happened, baby?" Lily asked to which I threw my hands around her and cried, leaning my head on her chest. 

"I can't," I managed to say through my sobs. "I don't wanna live like this. I can't, Lily. I just can't."

Seeing me crying like this, Lily's eyes welled up while Zinnia sat and looked at me. 

Lily tried to comfort me while Zinnia patted my back. 

After a while, I stopped crying and calmed myself. Lily was sitting next to me, not leaving my side the entire time while Zinnia was making hot chocolate for me. 

"Here, drink this. You'll feel better," Zinnia said, handing me the mug. 

I mumbled a thank you before taking it from her. 

We stayed silent for sometime, only the sound of me sipping hot chocolate filling the living room. 

"Elka?" Zinnia called me, making me look at her. "Is there anything that you're hiding from us?" she asked.

I averted my gaze from her to the warm mug I was holding that was soothing my pale, cold hands.

I think it's time to tell them. I can't hide this from them anymore. I want them to know about this. I want them to know about me. I want them by my side. 

I chewed on my bottom lip and slowly nodded my head. 

"What is it?" Lily asked, her voice soft. 

I took a deep breath before saying, "I'm philophobic."

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone