"What? Philo- what?" I asked, having no idea how to pronounce that word and let alone know the meaning. 

"Philophobic. It's fear of love. A person who has philophobia is called philophobic," said Zinnia. "So, are you one?"

"I don't know..." I trailed off.

Zinnia just nodded her head.

"Well, how will you know if someone is this philophobic?" I asked, keeping the glass down.

»»---------------------►

Me and Zinnia were on our way to college. Zinnia had earphones plugged into her ears while I had my eyes on the road. It would be a lie if I said that I was completely focusing on the road. Half of my mind was recalling what Zinnia said about a philophobic. 

She said that philophobia was fear of love or falling in love. It was a specific phobia in which a person fears developing any kind of emotional attachment to other people. The causes of one being philophobic varied from person to person. For some, it might be because they had gone through their parent's divorce while some develop that because of any kind of domestic violence or mistreatment at home. Having a past experience of a toxic relationship that made one drown in tears and forswear in love may also turn them into a philophobic. In a nutshell, it was something that made it hard for someone to live in this world. Being scared of love, scared of making commitments, having trust issues, building a wall because of your mind telling you things, running away from love, from someone who promised to love you and to be there forever by your side. And I knew for sure, I was philophobic. 

All this time I thought I was aromantic. All this time I thought I was a girl who had no feelings for any guy. All this time I thought I was happily single. But these thoughts were crushed in just a millisecond by the new word I learnt- philophobia. Even though I looked perfectly fine with no boyfriend to hold my hands and waist, there were nights when a fragment of wish crossed my mind- the wish of having someone to love me. But that thought was buried by a fear I didn't pay much attention to. But then, the truth was right in front of me to which I couldn't turn a blind eye anymore. The time to face the truth and to accept it had come at the doorstep of my askew life, knocking my locked door with loud bangs that made me cover my ears from bleeding. But the truth found a way to my heart, lacerating it, drops of blood beginning to bleed from it.

»»---------------------►

I parked my car and we both walked to the building. At the entrance, we saw Lily and Andrew, talking to each other. Lily had changed her dress from yesterday and was wearing a simple white t- shirt and blue jeans. She had one or two pairs of her clothes at Andrew's in case of an emergency like this. She was wearing a scarf which was unusual. Upon seeing us Lily walked towards us, leaving Andrew behind.

"Hey," said Lily, hugging me and Zinnia.

"You look great," I complimented her.

"Yeah and also a bit tired. Maybe because of yesterday's sleeplessness? Were you both having fun?" teased Zinnia.

"Oh, yes. Yesterday was really great. I enjoyed a lot." Lily grinned like a playschool kid.

I looked at Andrew who was standing behind within spitting distance. He saw me looking at him and gave me a smile. I returned a small smile and averted my gaze to Lily.

"Why are you wearing that?" I asked, pointing to the scarf that was around her neck. 

"As I told you, we were having a lot of fun," said Lily, beaming with both her eyebrows up, indicating that she was hiding the hickeys that Andrew gave her last night. "And I forgot to take the concealer and foundation. So I ended up with this scarf around my neck."

I nodded my head, making an 'o' shape with my lips.

Just then, the bell rang for the first period. It was French class and me and Zinnia were together for French.

"It's French, right?" Zinnia asked me.

I nodded my head.

"I'm having Candian Literature. Bye guys, will see you later." Lily waved at us and went back to Andrew and left with him.

"Hey, I don't really feel like attending this class. It's been seven months and Mrs. Noémie is still stuck with that 'je suis, tu es' shit. It's fucking boring," I whined.

"You just read my mind," Zinnia said, poker-faced.

I looked at her and asked, "Bunk?"

"Of course, love!"

I smiled at her and took her hands in mine and ran to the theater class which is on the opposite side of the building. The students were still walking to their classes so no one noticed us running. 

I ran to theater class as I knew there wouldn't be anyone as it was the first period. And usually the theater class was one place where no one visits. Students who bunk classes either went to the cafeteria or ground. As I want to be in a more silent and peaceful place, I thought the theater class would be a perfect spot.

As we reached there, I opened the sizable wooden doors of the class. I walked down the aisle with Zinnia following me. I had always loved this place. It had an antiquated and vintage style that calmed me whenever I was here. The palatial stage with wooden floors, the midsize windows that were covered with dark red drapes gave the class an eerie ambience as well. Both sides of the class were pitch dark because of the drapes, letting rays of sun through the two small exhaust fans being the only light that paved us a way to the stage. I climbed the stairs of the main stage and put my bag down and strolled around the ample stage. Zinnia sat at the edge of the stage with her legs dangling. I sat near her after taking the itsy-bitsy stroll.

I pulled out a Doritos I had in my bag and ripped it open. I took one and so did Zinnia. We were munching on Doritos happily, talking about random stuff. This was what I needed to take my mind off the morning conversation we had about a philophobic or better said, me.

"Lily looked so happy, right?" asked Zinnia, after taking Doritos.

"Yeah." I nodded my head as I also went for another one.

"Do you hate Andrew?" Zinnia asked me out of nowhere. 

I looked at her with half of the Doritos between my lips. "Why would you ask that?" I took a small bite.

"So you do hate him?" asked Zinnia.

"No, I don't hate him," I said.

"Then why do you have this unnecessary anger towards him?"

"See, I don't have anything against Andrew. It's just that I'm worried for Lily. She had been in a luckless relationship twice. And it wasn't easy for her. She felt her world was drifting apart. She even found it hard to breathe," I said, my eyes holding nothing but sadness as I had seen what Lily had gone through.

Zinnia nodded her head. "I know."

"Yeah, so I just don't want to see her being broken by someone anymore. She deserves the world. She should be happy instead of grasping for breath. And I think this Andrew guy isn't the one for her. I mean, she deserves to be treated like a queen but this guy stood her up twice and then came up with lame excuses," I said as I got furious. 

"Yeah but he took her on a date yesterday to make it upto her," Zinnia said.

"Yeah he did but still... Hey, why are you supporting him?" I asked Zinnia as I got irritated with her taking his side.

"It's because I know him, Elka. He's not at all a person who you assume him to be."

I looked at Zinnia with my eyes narrowed. "How do you know him very well?"

"I know him better than you because Lily told me about him," Zinnia said, wiping her hands with a tissue.

"What is it that you know about him?"

"You should hear it from Lily. That's the right way."

"But Lily didn't tell me anything."

"Really? When you flare-up just by hearing his name?" asked Zinnia, smirking.

"Yeah. You're right," I said and I went for another bite.

"Maybe you could just ask her. I'm sure she will be ready to share it with you as all Lily wants is you to accept him."

I nodded my head. 

After finishing the Doritos, we started talking about another topic, diverting ourselves from Lily and Andrew. 

Zinnia was grilling me with her dad jokes. I had to agree, some were shit but most of it cracked me up. 

While I was smiling at Zinnia when she was telling me the story of how she got addicted to dad jokes because of her grandfather, we heard a male voice out of thin air saying,

"You have got a beautiful smile."

I'm a philophobia myself! And no, I'm not hesitant to tell that to people cuz why should I be? And people who are on the same boat as me, don't worry. One day, the sun will shine brightly above your head, breaking the dark and dull clouds. Trust me!