Is it ok to tell him? 
Can I trust him? 
Will he leave when he hears my past? 
Can I trust him? 

These thoughts were running in my mind as I closed my eyes and was priming myself to tell why I had been distant from him all these days. Danish was waiting keenly for me to say something. I opened my eyes and turned my head to see the face that made me realize that I should come out of my shell of phobia, if I wanted to be happy for the rest of my life.

"What is it, Elka?" he asked me. 

"Dan, I'm philophobic."

As expected, his brows met together as a wave of befuddlement washed over him. 

"Wh-"

"It's a phobia. Fear of falling in love," I cut him off before he could pester me with any further questions. 

Danish was looking at me as if I just told him a game plan of sabotaging the next flight our President would be taking. Stunned, puzzled, dismayed. It took him a few seconds to break the daze hearing my voice. 

"Dan, Dan..."

"Huh? What?" he asked me.

"You alright?"

"Ye- yeah. I am," he said, shifting his gaze from me to the tall Gulmohar tree in front of us.

His actions made me think I did something wrong which made me stay quiet until Danish opened his mouth. 

"Why didn't you say this to me earlier?" he asked after a few minutes. 

"I didn't say this to anyone. Even Lily and Zinnia came to know about this only a month before. Hell, I found out that I'm philophobic only a few months ago!"

Danish looked at me to which I nodded my head.

"I was ascertained about this on the day I met you, Dan. I still remember like it was yesterday."

"Oh, ok," he said. "How did you find out that you are scared to fall in love?"

"I was talking to Zinnia about my single life that day and when I said I'm actually scared to be in a relationship, Zinnia asked me whether I'm philophobic. And then she stated many things of how one becomes a phobic and I realized that I am one."

"What is your story, Elka?" he asked, his voice as soft as velvet.

I looked at him and bit my bottom lip, asking myself to tell him or not. Danish brought his hands and tugged at my inferior lip, making it free from being squashed between my teeth. 

"It's fine. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I don't want you to be nervous."

My habit of biting my lip when I was nervous was known only to a few people. And it was evident that Danish noticed my little actions all these days. He was trying to make me comfortable which made my heart melt, again. It was rarest of rare to find people who notice and remember the little things in you and I was lucky to find one.

How can I let this guy go? 

"I'm fine. I want you to know. After all, we are dating now," I said. 

"Yeah, we are. Gosh! I almost forgot that," he said which made me let out a chuckle. "So?" he asked and looked at me, his dark brown eyes waiting for me to reveal myself. 

I took a deep breath. 

"I was an introvert and a shy girl who spent my time alone and was socially awkward. I didn't have any friends and I really didn't care about that. This was until 6th. And after that, I changed a lot. I wasn't shy anymore. I became a bit tomboyish who was in lead of everything, let it be sports or studies. Still, I didn't have any girl friends because girls in my class hated me for some reason. Only boys talked to me and invited me to play with them as we shared the same vibe and girls in my class hated this. I never wanted to be a part of their girlish talks and tea parties. I even dressed crookedly as I didn't give a damn about how I looked and all. In a nutshell, they envied me as I was different and also boys' favorite."

"Typical you," Danish said, making me chuckle and nod my head.

"Yeah. So, this continued till 2 more years. When I was in 9th grade, two new students came, Emilia and Tulip. Emilia was a sweet girl while Tulip was an introvert and shy, the former me. The girls in my class abandoned them as they were new and didn't meet up to their standards. These two girls' assigned seats were next to me and it took just a few days for me to get along with them. I felt really happy that I got two best friends and we were having a lot of fun. We went to Whoopee, Emilia loved shopping so we went shopping with her, sleepovers at Tulip's were the best."

"Then what happened?"

I became hesitant with that question as the rest of the story involved a person who was the core reason why I was philophobic. 

"In the midst of all these, I had a crush on a boy. He was in 10th. His name was Elijah. I had known him since 6th grade as we were together in the Sports club. He was tennis while I was in athletics. He was a normal guy who got punished every day from the coach and got benched. He was also weak in studies. I had heard teachers talking about him when I went to the staff room to get books and all. I don't know why I was attracted to him and what I saw in him that made me feel all nervous when he was near me. There wasn't anything special about him. But for me, that guy was special."

Danish nodded his head while looking at the ground. 

"Did you tell him about your little crush?" he asked.

"It wasn't little, Dan. I dreamt about him almost every night and used to write his name on my study table and books. I spaced out more than usual as days passed by. I loved him, Dan."

Danish nodded his head again and pursed his lips into a thin line. 

"And then one day, everything just went upside down, making me break down completely."

"What happened?" Danish asked, his head tilted. 

"When I came to school one day, all eyes were on me. Everyone was whispering something to each other. Many looked at me as if I was something gross while many others giggled and laughed at me. I was so lost that I didn't have the slightest clue about what was happening. I went to my classroom and saw Emilia and Tulip sitting together and when I went towards them, they said to stop talking to them and leave them alone. They said they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. When I asked them what happened, they said I was a slut."

"What?" Danish asked loudly. 

I nodded my head. 

"Wh- why did your friends say that? What happened? Wh-"

"Let me finish, will ya?" I asked to which he nodded his head and gestured to continue. 

"I didn't tell Emilia and Tulip about my crush because I thought it wasn't necessary and even if I had told them, Emilia would tease me saying his name which I didn't wanna happen. So that day, I was crying when my class teacher asked me to meet the principal. Still, I didn't know what was happening. When I entered the principal's office, I saw Elijah standing there along with my parents. I was so fucking confused I couldn't move anymore. I wanted answers but no one was willing to give me. The principal called me closer to her and handed me a piece of folded paper. I looked at my parents and saw my mom looking as if she wanted to rip me apart and dad's eyes were fixed on the ground. I took the letter and unfolded to see a writing that started with 'me and Elijah did it in the boys washroom...'"

"Who wrote that?"

"I didn't know." I shook my head. "The writing was about dirty things I did with Elijah, which I haven't even thought about. I had dreams of kissing him but this was nothing close to innocent love. It was like an erotic fiction. I didn't read the whole thing. I didn't understand much of it to be honest. I felt like puking because it was about me and Elijah, my first love. The handwriting was somewhat similar to mine. So my parents, teachers, principal and students believed it, even though it was hard for them to accept it at first. I told the principal that I didn't know anything about this and everything was a lie. But when she asked Elijah whether everything stated in that piece of paper was true, he nodded his head."

"What?"

"Yeah. He did fucking nod his head as if it was all true. Everything seemed to stop at that moment. I couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything, couldn't feel anything. I went numb and my stomach was churning. I shook my head and shouted at him for lying with tears flowing continuously and that fucker didn't move a muscle. Instead he said something that made me want to dig a hole and never return to this world. He said I forced him into doing that."

Tears started brimming in my eyes as that day flashed in my mind. The pain, the tears, the embarrassment and everything I faced all alone was so much that a girl of 14 could ever take. I didn't do anything but was still accused of something that gave me a tagline of slut. All I did was love Elijah. And that was my worst mistake. 

Falling in love was my worst mistake.

"The principal suspended me for five days for the obnoxious activity. All those days my parents didn't talk to me, neglected me, refused to hear me out. I tried calling Emilia and Tulip but they cut my calls and eventually blocked me. No one was there to help me. I was all alone. And that pain was something that no one will ever understand, Danish."

He nodded his head.

"And after that day, I didn't know what fun was. My friends left me, no one talked to me and I was constantly bullied. My grades went down, sports didn't interest me anymore and I skipped classes just to avoid my once favorite teacher's gaze of hatred on me. Students who didn't even know my full name would stick up notes on my locker saying 'slut', 'go die', 'ugly whore' and all. Other than coming to school, attending classes, eating lunch alone on the ground and crying in the washroom, tearing up those sticky notes was my job. I felt weak, vulnerable, and destroyed. I didn't have any energy left in me to fight back. My eyes were drained."

"What about that fucker?"

"Elijah? He was happy, as always. He wasn't affected a bit. I saw him walking with his friends, laughing in the corridors. And when his friends pointed at me and screamed 'slut', he kept his head low and walked away without saying anything."

"Why did he do that?"

I shrugged my shoulders. 

"During the end of 10th grade, he came to me to talk when I was sitting alone on the ground. He said he was sorry to which I turned my nose up. Without asking, he told me everything. The paper note was done by the girls who disliked me in my class. I gave my book to a minion of the mean girl to complete notes and it was so dumb of me to not strike off Elijah's name with small hearts on the last pages of my book before giving it to her. They all saw his name in my book and planned this for fun. They seeked help from a boy in 10th who was also the boyfriend of that bitch to write that smut and that boy was a friend of Elijah. They said to him to play along with them and it would be fun and he did. It was fun for them but their short term fun costed my life. I wasn't surprised to hear this because I have been shocked to death when people changed in an instant for a whole fucking year. But the next thing what Elijah said to made me dumbstruck as fuck."

"What did he say?"

"He said he loved me."

"What?" Danish asked. 

"Yeah, I know. Hard to believe but it's the truth. He had loved me from the beginning but was afraid to confess as I was a heather while he was a zero. He was scared of rejection."

"What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything. I walked to him and gave him a slap across his cheek and ran away from there. Then I went to my classroom and punched that bitch black and blue until she cried for me to show mercy. After all she did, she was asking for mercy. I was suspended for ten days for violating the school's code of conduct. But I didn't give a fuck because I was satisfied with what I had done. And after 10th, I changed my school."

"Did you tell your friends what Elijah told you?"

"I didn't have to say anything. Elijah told them everything and the next day they were at my doorstep, asking for forgiveness. And I did forgive them because I didn't wanna hold any grudges against them. After all, they were my first best friends. But I didn't accept them as my friends again. They became strangers to me the moment they believed someone over me."

"What about your parents?"

"My parents?" I asked and chuckled to myself which made Danish baffled. "They are another reason why I'm philophobic."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"How? What did they do?"

"Well, my parents' relationship isn't normal. If it wasn't for my grandfather, then they would've separated long ago. When I was five, they were on the verge of signing divorce papers. My dad is a businessman and all he cares about is his company. My mom was a middle child and she grew up being ignored by her parents. After marriage, her husband was also doing the same. And with that, there were rumors flying around saying my dad was having a relationship with his new Italian secretary. My mom confronted him to which he ignored her saying how lame she was to trust others over her husband. She couldn't stand my dad's attitude and ignorance anymore, so she left the house when I was six and returned two years later, after my grandfather went and talked to her. She came home but wasn't herself anymore. She went her way and my dad went his way, even though they lived under the same roof. And in between was me, who didn't get my parents' love and affection when I needed it the most. All I had at that time was my grandpa in my family. Only he knew how much I missed my mom's goodnight kiss and the night walk I used to have with my dad. There isn't love between my parents, Danish. All that is there are some commitments based on fucking reputation of the family. I literally grew up watching this. How could I believe in love when my own parents don't share that?"

Danish nodded and took a deep breath. 

"I'm sorry, Elka," he said, making me confused with his sudden apology. "I felt I pushed you out of your comfort zone. If I knew this before, I swear, I wouldn't have asked you out. I would've given your time and space but now, it feels I pushed you to the point where you are obliged to date me. I'm sorry."

"Dan, stop," I said, making his head snap towards me.

"You are the reason why I want to overcome my phobia in the first place. You are the one who made me realise that I deserve so much rather than using my phobia as an excuse and being on my own. You didn't push me. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Well, it wasn't my comfort zone in the first place. It was a fucking wall, Dan. I pulled down that wall by breaking the bricks day by day. I trained myself to be a girl who wants to know what is love and that's why I didn't contact you for a whole fucking month. So stop being sorry when all you did was save me from drowning."

His lips broke into a smile as I finished. 

"Ok."

"So yeah, that's my story of how I became a fucking philophobic," I said, throwing my hands in air dramatically. 

"And that is some deep story, Elka. It will be very hard for people to believe that you have a past like this. But let me tell you this, you're so fucking strong. Despite all this, you didn't give up. You fought for yourself and stood again on your feet. You nurtured yourself into an amazing girl that has her own charms and can make anyone lose their sanity. You're just amazing, Elka. And thanks for trusting me, it means a lot."

I looked at him and flashed a smile. There were tears that were threatening to fall from my red eyes that I kept in-checked by blinking continuously. After closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I looked at Danish who had a sly smile on his lips.

Taking my hands in his, he said, "It's fine. Just let it go."

The second those words rolled off from his mouth, I broke down. I couldn't hold my tears anymore after narrating my past to him. And I was grateful to him for reminding me that it was normal to cry. That it was okay to not be okay. 

I was crying so hard that my shoulders were shaking like a leaf. I took my hands from his grip and covered my face. I felt Danish wrapping his arms around and engulfing me in a tight, warm hug. His hand caressed my hair as he kept repeating the words, 'I'm here for you.'

»»---------------------►

"Thanks," I said as I got off his bike and stood next to him.

"No mention." He smiled. "So, tomorrow?"

"Give me a break, dude," I said to which he laughed. 

"Yeah, sure."

Our eyes interlocked as I stood there looking at him. Scenes of kiss after date from movies played on reels in my mind. And I was sure that Danish was refraining himself from leaning forward.

He took a deep breath and said, "Elka, please don't hate me after this."

I frowned and poked my chin out. 

"After wh-"

The words got stuck on my throat when I felt his lips on my right cheek. It wasn't a peck. It was a freaking kiss. I closed my eyes and stood still as my body froze up in a trice. His lips lost the contact of my skin as he retreated, followed by a string of sorrys.

"I'm sorry. I tried to control but fuck!" he said, making me laugh. 

"It's fine, even though I didn't like it. You're excused this time, but don't repeat it." I warned him.

"Ok, noted!" 

"Bye, Dan. See you on Monday," I said as I took steps back.

"Yeah, bye. Take care," he said. 

I turned my heels and walked towards my house as he rode off after we exchanged waves. A smile kept lingering on my lips with my face turning scarlet as I still felt the warmth of his lips on my cheek. A new kind of feeling was educed that couldn't be described in some mere words. I wasn't sure what this was. But I was sure about one thing, this was what I wanted. And I was finally getting it.

Don't run away
I'll keep you safe
Safe in my arms
Don't be afraid
I feel the change
Within my heart