A/N- In this one shot, you're Lan Zhan's older sibling. I'm sorry that for a lot of Lan Zhan oneshots, I make you his sibling. It's just easier to write (and more fun) that way. Also in this oneshot there's going to be mentions of self-harm and blood so I'll mark off where those start and end for you guys.

AFTER WEI YING died, Lan Zhan no longer found a meaning to life. Everyday, he missed the feeling of having Wei Ying's arms around his waist, and he missed the intimate moments that he had shared with his husband.

Both Xichen and you tried to comfort your little brother as much as you could, but it was hard. He locked himself in his room, and he wouldn't even let either of you in. You had to actually go to Grandmaster Quiren and have him order Lan Zhan to come out for you to be able to comfort him. And the loss went far to deep for him to be comforted so easily.

Xichen, being the caring older brother, was very scared for Lan Zhan's health. He spoke to you privately about how he thought that your brother would end up killing himself at this rate. When he said that, the seriousness of the situation sunk in, and you felt devastated. How could you help your precious younger brother realize how much his life mattered, and how much you needed him to be with you in this world?

After Xichen voiced his concerns, you began to pay attention to your younger brother more closely, to make sure that he wasn't suffering too much. Through small actions you did for him, like making him food every day and visiting with him, you hoped he could see how much you appreciated him.

You certainly didn't expect what you saw that one fateful day,

You were walking near the river in the mountains behind Cloud Recesses when you saw a trail of blood and heard the sounds of someone sobbing. Curious, you followed the blood until it stopped, and then lifted your head up from the trail to see Lan Zhan lying against a rock, blood covering his arms and chest.

A/N- Mentions of self-harm start here.

To your horror, you saw Lan Zhan take a knife and cut his forearm, right above his wrist. He began to sob louder and whimpered due to the pain, but then he cut himself again, and again, and again.

A/N- The mentions of self-harm end here.

You threw yourself on top of him, knocking his knife to the ground and pushing him down so that he was lying on the ground with you sitting on top of him. He tried to cover his cuts with his hands, but he ended up crying out because of the pain of moving his arm.

"Wangji di di..." you said (di di is younger brother in Mandarin) "Why are you doing this to yourself? What is so painful that you need to hurt yourself in this way to get it out?"

He looked up at you with his eyes filled with tears, looking so sad it melted your heart.

"Wei Ying..." he whispered. "I miss Wei Ying..."

"Oh Wangji... I know you miss him, but hurting yourself isn't good! You should come to Xichen and me when you're hurting, we can comfort you so that you don't need to cut yourself like this. It hurts doesn't it?"

"Y-yes... i-it hurts s-so much..." he said, tears running down his cheeks. "Make the pain go away... make it go away, please!"

You wrapped your arms around your younger brother and pulled him up to his feet. As soon as he could move again, he covered his cuts with his sleeves so that nobody would see them.

How long have you been doing this for, Wangji? How long have you been hiding your pain from me, from those who love you?

"Let's go to Xichen, alright? He needs to know about this," you said.

"No! N-n-no! Xichen gege... he... he can't handle it!" Lan Zhan sobbed.

"Well, for your sake, he's going to have to," you responded rather harshly. "Come, let's go back home."

"H-home," Lan Zhan whimpered, burying his head in your chest. "G-go home."

You half-dragged, half-carried your younger brother to the gate of Cloud Recesses, then into the Jingshi, where Xichen and... oh great-

Grandmaster Lan Quiren sat there, bent over a book with Xichen by his side. You didn't want him to see this, but it was too late for you to leave, you were already standing in the door. So you gave Lan Zhan a comforting hand squeeze and called out, "Xichen gege! We need to talk to you."

Xichen looked up at you and paled when he saw blood covering his younger brother's chest and wrists. He got up, then staggered down onto his knees and choked up blood, aggravated at seeing his brother so badly injured.

"What is it, A-Huan?" Quiren asked, sounding irritated and calling Xichen by his birth name, which was unusual.

When he saw blood covering his young nephew's hanfu, he choked out so much blood that you were afraid he was going to die, and screamed, "WANGJI!"

You felt Lan Zhan's hand that you were holding start to tremble. To comfort him, you hummed a soothing melody your mother had sung to you when you were younger, and you felt the trembling wane before ending entirely.

"Mama," Lan Zhan whimpered, burying his head in your shoulder. "Mama."

"No, di di. I'm Y/N. Not mama," you whispered, concerned about his mental state at the moment. It was as if he had become completely shattered, like a pot that had been dropped on the ground. How could you put him back together again? How could you get the brother you loved back?

"Wangji..." Xichen said, his voice cracking with unshed tears. "My poor Wangji... poor, suffering Wangji... how can I make it better?"

Lan Zhan broke free of your grasp and threw himself into his older brother's arms, clawing at his back and sobbing loudly.

As Xichen murmured comforting words to his younger brother, you pulled Grandmaster Quiren aside and told him all about his nephew's grief. When the grandmaster heard that Lan Zhan had been cutting himself, he hung his head, feeling ashamed for not noticing the pain of the young man he loved so much before it became this serious.

"He misses Wei Wuxian so much he'll hurt himself over it?" Quiren said questioningly. "I doubt that very highly. There has to be an innate mental issue present in his mind for him to hurt himself over a simple loss of a young man."

You were about to snap at the grandmaster, but then you realized that he didn't know that Wei Ying and Lan Zhan had been in love. To his knowledge, they were just two good friends. And of course, why would a friend get so worked up over the death of a friend?

"Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian were very close. I would even say they were in love with one another," you said.

"Y/N!" Xichen snapped. You knew how much Lan Zhan didn't want his personal life revealed, and you had just revealed a major detail about it. Of course Xichen, the protective ge ge, would get all worked up about it

Forgive me, brothers. But it's necessary.

"In love? Two men! How... how scandalous!" Quiren howled, clearly worked up about this, which was what you had expected.

"It's not scandalous in the least!" Xichen said. Oh, Xichen, how bullheaded you are...

"If two men are in love, let them be in love!"

Quiren looked at his oldest nephew with so much hatred in his eyes it was like an unending river. You felt terrible for Xichen. He was Uncle's favorite, so saying that had completely ruined his standing with the clan.

"You! Lan Huan, you are expelled from the Lan clan until you learn how to carry yourself in a more proper manner!"

Xichen sighed sadly and looked down at his feet. All his confidence had faded, now he was completely broken.

"Yes, Grandmaster," he said, bowing to Uncle Quiren and leaving the room.

You and Lan Zhan stood alone in the Jingshi, staring at one another. Lan Zhan's face looked expressionless, devoid of all emotion. It scared you, so you wrapped your arms around him and whispered, "Wangji. Please, smile for me."

"Smile... I-I can't smile..." he responded. "I-I'm s-so-sorry..."

"Lan Wangji! You will be punished too, with three hundred whips! Due to your... fragile... nature, I'll use a rawhide whip on you rather than the usual wooden planks we beat you with. Go to the courtyard. A servant will punish you. Then return here- if you're still conscious- and we can discuss the rest of your punishment!"

Lan Zhan bowed shakily and said, "Yes, Grandmaster. I'm sorry for breaking the rules. It will never happen again. In fact... you'll never see me again after this moment."

After he said that, he ran to the courtyard, and you were left alone contemplating what he had meant by his last sentence.

When you came to the realization of what he meant- that he would kill himself, and that nobody would see him ever again- your heart began to beat faster. Your sibling instincts kicked in, and you rushed out of the Jingshi without bowing to the grandmaster, which would be considered very disrespectful. At that moment, you didn't care about anything but saving your Lan Zhan. You needed to keep your di di safe.

You ran down the hallways of Cloud Recesses frantically looking for your brother. When you couldn't find him, you sunk to the floor and began to sob huge, violent sobs that shook your entire body. You kept your eyes closed, immersed in silence that was being broken only by the loud sounds of your sobs.

And by the pitter-patter of footsteps...

Footsteps!

Your eyes opened and you shot up to your feet, running towards the footsteps you heard. From afar, you could recognize the familiar body of your brother, and you ran as fast as you could to reach him. When you reached his side, you threw your arms around him and began to sob again. He spun around and grabbed ahold of your arms, holding you at arms length from him and silently watching you cry.

"I'm sorry..." he said softly. "I'm sorry for everything."

"No! You don't need to be sorry! It's the entire Lan clan who needs to be sorry! Whoever made the foolish rule that two men can't be in love deserves to be flogged, not you," you said.

Lan Zhan laughed a sad, broken laugh, then let you go and said, "I need to leave, Y/N. I need to leave this world. I'm not welcome here. This world... it hurts me, it cuts me deeper than any wound I can ever inflict on myself. I need to leave, to be with my Wei Ying."

He started to go, but you held tightly on to him, putting all your force and weight behind stopping his motion. It worked, but you were weaker than him, so he ended up moving and dragging your body behind him.

Your body hit the hard floor over and over again, and you could tell which hits would leave a bruise and which ones wouldn't.  You let yourself go through the pain of the injuries, telling yourself it was nothing compared to the pain your di di was feeling right now. You let him drag you into the courtyard, then drop you by a tree as if you were nothing, just an object he could manipulate at will.

He unsheathed his sword and placed it to his throat. You screamed and jumped up to your feet, grabbing his wrist and trying to force the sword down. Yet, due to your accursed weakness, you could do nothing more but delay the inevitable.

A/N- Self-harm/ mentions of blood begin again now.

In one smooth motion, Lan Zhan brought his sword across his throat, and collapsed to the ground, blood pouring from the wound.

You caught him in your arms and held him tightly to you, trying to blot the rapidly flowing blood with your hanfu. Your heart was pounding fast- too fast- and you could hear your blood roaring in your ears.

"Please, Lan Zhan, please, don't leave me," you begged, applying pressure to the wound to try and make the blood flow slower. It was a useless attempt. You couldn't stop it.

You began to shake with sobs, and took the sword and pressed it to your throat. If your brother was to die, the brother you were responsible for taking care of, died in your arms, it was your fault, and you would punish yourself accordingly.

Your hands trembled on the sword, and you realized that you didn't have the confidence to do it. You didn't have the confidence to end your own life.

You dropped the sword and began to shake with sobs once again.

A/N- Mentions of self-harm and blood end now.

As you cried, you dimly heard the sound of a flute, playing a calming tune. You looked up and saw, through your eyes dimmed with tears, that Xichen, protective, loving, perfect brother Xichen was standing there, playing Liebing with tears in his eyes. (Liebing is the name of his flute, it means cracked ice)

The melody seemed to flow over you like water, healing all your grief and anguish, and making you feel empty and lightheaded. The world began to swim before your eyes, and you anxiously grabbed at Xichen's sleeve, trying to keep yourself centered. The music wouldn't let you do that. It filled your ears, filled your mind, filled your heart, until every last void in you was filled.

Your body collapsed to the ground, and you lost consciousness.

A/N- I really love this oneshot idea, so I'm going to make it into a little story. Next part will be a Xichen POV, and then if I choose not to resolve the story during that part, I can make this an entire story by itself. I hope you enjoyed this oneshot!